I loved you because you were broken
my soul could look at yours and see home

every minute we spend together was like drowing in the ocean
I would sink deeper and deeper and eventually I would choke
but the darkness of the water never botherd me, I liked it
maybe because you were always there with me

in the morning I would look up and see the sunlight
coming through my window, the lights would touch my face
and every single morning when I would open my eyes
the first thing I always think of is you and how much I love you

I wish I could have you near me, like everyday
but we both know that never was a great idea
after a while we would remember how much we are a like
and I would hate you for being that way, you would hate me
maybe that is why you are my soulmate, why I love you

Im looking for parts of myself in the people I love
it gives me comfort knowing there are kids out there who are like me
a little bit mad, a little bit broken, but with golden hearts and voices

I always loved the idea of us being in love forever.

come home.

i'm wearing a yellow sweater with the sleeves pushed up and it's cold it's dark and i can't find you where are you
there are stripes on my arm and it's dark it's dark i can't see my eyelids are so heavy and
i can't stay
is carved on the floorboards and i hear yelling and maybe that's you?
it's you it's you why are you yelling? darling don't yell i'm fine except i can only see red and gold and red,
so much red
and i can feel your arms around me and you're carrying me why are you carrying me
where are we going
why is everything so white all i can see is white where are we?
now i'm sitting upright and i can see and you're crying
(why are you crying? stop crying)
and i try to speak but the words stick to the roof of my mouth like a bad memory
i can't move i hurt everywhere i want to move why can't i do this
why do i do everything wrong i can't even die right what's wrong with me
i'm wrong wrong wrong like an answer someone tried to erase but couldn't quite get it done
i'm a failure why are you still here
i yell at you and it's a mess and you still stay and why aren't you giving up on me?
baby it's not worth it, you should go
and i get better and you're smiling and i don't understand why haven't you left?
stop wasting your time on me, go be an actress or something
but you get me in your car and you drive me home and you stay with me and my house is so clean
it's so clean how did it get so clean?
and you stay and you're always there and i keep crying and you just hold me
now i'm scared that you'll leave even though i deserve it but please don't leave
i see you and you're so beautiful what did i do to deserve this?

[to: E] hi, i love you

and you're smiling and you kiss me and why?
you're kissing me and i'm still scared that you'll leave so i kiss you back
and you're smiling, mon ange. even i'm smiling.

[from: E] hi, i love you too
[from: E] please stay

it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake
thinking about how i could never get you to stay,
how i could never get you to understand that you're important in every way.
thinking how did things end up this way
knowing there's no "right" thing to say
knowing though i see you everyday
things will never be the same.

and I'll forever remember our last "proper" conversation,
where you cried because of me leaving.

and I'll never know if those tears were genuine,
if you felt something tug at your heart
or you just didn't want to seem bad.
because in that moment,
all i could think about is how much i miss you,
though you were right there

because at that moment,
all i could feel was you slipping away
though you were in my arms

because at that moment
i realised, things will probably never be the same,                                  
because whatever we are, i still remember the way we were.

and I'm sorry for whatever i had done or whatever I had not done

because all i really wanted was to show you that love is actually real

wanted to show you that someone can actually care for you

wanted to make you happy,

wanted you to feel something you had never felt before

and I'm not angry, neither am i upset.
I am just confused, sad and bitter,
wishing you'd come home
wishing you would say why.

just want you to know that i miss you,
and whenever you're ready,
even if it's never
there'll still be room for us.
(h.s)