Numb.
I cannot feel the sunburn on my back.
I cannot feel pain as I glide the blade against my skin.
I no longer feel the spark in my heart.

My head is constantly crowded with nonsense.
All I can see is a little red-headed boy.
He plays with blocks in a sepia-toned room.
I know he is not real.
I have never seen him before, but I know this imagery all too well.
He comes from a photograph from long ago.
He is my reality now.

He lays on the carpet tinted a light green.
He is stacking blocks with different letters on them.
I feel as if I should pay attention to their order.
Is he trying to tell me something?
The letters are blurry, as if I am reading without my glasses.
What could this boy be trying to tell me?
I lean in closer when his image ripples away as if this photograph was dipped into a chemical bath.
Reaching out my hand, I cannot touch him.
I remember he is just a hallucination.
Reality hits me aggressively.

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, blade in my hand when my phone lights up.
Grabbing my phone, I let the blade fall.
I can feel my heart pound for the first time in months.
I am hoping to hear from a friend.
Instead, a game is inviting me to come back and play.
I know it now.

I am alone.

I am alone with my thoughts and with this boy who isn't real.
I crave human interaction.
I look at the blade on the floor.
I look at my skin tinted red.
I crave being in the same sepia photograph as that boy.
I wouldn't be alone.
I wouldn't be red.
But I only know one way to travel back to him.
I pick up the blade once more and press it hard into my skin.

Numb.
I cannot feel the sunburn on my back.
I cannot feel pain as I glide the blade against my skin.
I no longer feel the spark in my heart.

I cannot stand to be alone anymore.

Sing or die
Dance again
And go today
Make it or break it
A revolution
Your motions
Like planets
All in alignment
To be or not to be
To do or not to do
And really
To know or not to
Is whether or not
To live is your leisure
For you to find out

The blood splatter dripped and pooled at the floor
       Even time slipped amidst all the gore

I've been smiling
The entire time
I've been trying
To be happy
Then i remember
That you can't see me
I stop smiling
I sit down
Hold my head in my hands
I disintegrate
My soul dissipates
An ocean of madness
Becomes a river of sadness
Becomes my stream of consciousness
Spiraling down,
I see rock bottom
So familiar
I'm hoping i don't end up there again
But i know
I was lucky
Just to feel that way
For as long as i did

It's like
Not being able
To see a painter
Or his painting
But peering
Into his mind
And seeing
Exactly
What he wants
To portray