All the silence does not mean
You are alone,
It is the world waiting for you
To listen;
And in the darkness you are
Found by the light
Of your hope.

And in the tears of your
Pain you are born,
There you become stronger
And it creates order.

Pick up your flesh as your spirit
Lifts,
And speak your happiness
As if the tip of your tongue
Was the mountain's peak
Speaking at the sky,
The burden is a caged bird
And only the conscious can set
It free.
And sing to yourself so that
You know you are never alone
In your body.

Know that your crazy is beautiful
Because it makes you YOU,
Wear your skin like
Your cozy blanket and cuddle
In the warmth of yourself.
     You are not broken,
But scattered like the night
With pieces like stars shining,
    Open your pain and yourself
To the wound of the world and heal
Whatever you choose.

What sad times we live in!

We used to watch a man fall,
and think "I hope he's okay."

Nowadays? We just say:

"****! That would have been
a great YouTube video."

When the topic of conversation in class was about finding meaning in life
I struggled to find a reasoning behind why
I choose to keep fighting
the same **** voice that keeps on illuminating
the parts of my heart that don't need extra lighting
For reasons of staying safe
secure enough to keep from igniting
any other demons that make joy seem uninviting

My heart is tired of trying
to heal

My feelings boil over
like a *** of forgotten water
forcing me to clean up a mess that I did not ask for
I am tired
But still refuse to be fired from life itself

Why do I keep fighting
If my life is not something I admire

I have sisters who wage wars on their bodies too
trying to reach a place where they feel like they are somebody to some body
and not a disease
that strips them of all they were created to be
We are tired

Yet I ride waves of urges so familiar to the ocean of darkness that my heart rages
because I just want to feel free
because my future family and clients need me
because honesty is the key to living authentically
And if I'm being honest then I'm able to see
past the reality
that is my eating disorder

I desire more
which means that I am more
as my worth does not come from being the best me for others
but rather it comes from a deep understanding
that my life is my own and not my own
equally

Realizing that my hands are strong enough
are big enough to hold
even the pieces of my soul
that fail to fit the mold
of what is normal

But why can't normal have permission to be broken
Instead of whole

I don't want to fight it.
Joy pops in just to give you perspective
When sorrow rears its ugly head again.
Loneliness is being alone
And the absence of people
And the absence of love
And the absence of purpose
And the absence of hope
It is empty.
Loneliness will keep you company
Which is as ironic as it gets.
It holds you almost as tight as sadness does
And it's hard to fight against their grip
It's tiring
It's difficult
It's not worth it.
It hurts, it takes, it is relentless.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I don't want to force a smile
I don't want to convince myself to get out of bed
I don't want to struggle to go outside
I don't want to fight it anymore.
"Just breathe" isn't good enough
"It'll get better" won't do it
"Be strong" doesn't help.
Crying is cathartic
But also addictive.
Nobody knows how to ask for help
And even if they do
It's hard
To admit that you are so far gone
To the people that you care about.
And what would help?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I'm battle-worn
Bruised
Fatigued
Scarred
Bleeding
Trembling
Moaning in pain
Baring my soul for all to see but hiding it behind my heart.
It's hard to see through tears
It's hard to speak with a throat so closed
It's hard to walk when you don't want to go
It's hard to stay when you feel suffocated
How do you stop when you're so far in?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
What does a beating heart mean?
That you are alive?
That you feel?
I don't want to fight it anymore.
Nights are the hardest,
Not because it's dark
But because the world slows down
It doesn't bring you places
Or bring people to you
It tells you to rest
But that is when the demons creep in
Whispering
Telling you that you're not good enough
Telling you what's wrong with you
Playing on your heart
Tearing it apart
Playing with your thoughts
Tugging them this way and that.
Rocking back and forth
Pulling at your hair
Biting your fingers
Anything to distract from the pain in your chest
I don't want to fight it.

and all these years
they told you that heartbreak would be
not being able to do anything;
crying most of the days;
not being ok for a long time;
being able to hear the sound of your heart breaking;
'the heart break syndrome', they would say.
'time heals', everyone promised.
'this too shall pass', everyone whispered.
'it will strengthen you', they encouraged.

what they did not tell you
was that
heartbreak would make you do the unthinkable.
crying on your bathroom floor during shower.
muffling your crying on your pillow.
trying to explore yourself.
meditate, read books, watch movies, writing.
waking up with puffy eyes.
and have to go on like nothing happened.
lock yourself in your own room at night when you get home.
laying awake staring at the ceiling.
counting on what you did wrong.
replaying every scenes.
endless pool of tears -
those kind that make you really tired;
not the sleepy kind of tired,
but the 'God-please-end-this' kind of tired.
praying to God to please just end this
for you cannot take more pain.
asking God on what you had done wrong in life
to deserve this kind of pain.
do i even still believe in God?

they did not tell you that heartbreak
change your perspective in life.
that it would feel like you are suffocating;
unable to breath.
where is the air?
even when you sleep,
you wake up and dreaming about him again.
the desperation to end it;
that you would google
'how to deal with heartbreak'
or the desperation to ask people for help.
but you know it's useless
and you don't want to be a burden.
or when you hear others telling you about their relationship
and you can not even give them any advices anymore.
'i used to be so good at giving advices', you think to yourself.
but now not anymore.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you numb
when you are surrounded by people.
the way you get yourself throughout the day
and do the daily routines
laughing,
do random things,
being weird;
'you are still the same old you even after all these things', they would say.
'no i'm not', you tell yourself.
even when your heart is broken
or the way
you would act like you had never got your heart broken
or the way
others would tell you their problems
and you have to act
like you are okay
and you have none

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would make you feel this useless
like how you suddenly think of
'i am so broken'
and yet you could not
even think
of telling anyone
because of how pointless it would be
'what's the use? they don't get it like i do', you would think.

they did not tell you that heartbreak
would take this long to heal
'time heals', i used to say
'this too shall pass', i used to tell my friend.
but now
i am not so sure anymore.
time heals, they say.
*well, i'm still waiting for the time mine would heal