to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful

to maintain a kiss
to be something to miss
to be a wife with kids
you have to be beautiful

likewise, all of us feel we’re the detriment
in a society that loves to see us in bed
but we cry soggy tears on our sheets
and we don’t stop just because a model says we can be beautiful on the inside

to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful
buy a diamond studded dress
and go out in the reeds
and sing a sailor’s song to your bride to be

likewise, all of us feel the world’s back turned
our royal blue skin on her selfish lips  
giving us dead flowers and then wishing us the best
sends us away with so many backhanded compliments

to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful
raise your arms up to the afternoon sun
and remind everyone you were sent from God
and baby, i was too but there’s no use to prove it

likewise, i turn jewelry into stone
i make this critical conditioned heart into gold
i sew my bedsheets to represent some home
i believe the truth comes bleeding out of our eyeballs
our lungs just trying to catch up to this world

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
we all call you by your given name
but you stomp on our fingers
you linger like a bad disease
it doesn’t pay to be kind and pretty

unlike you, i slave the day away
trying to feel the taste that gathers on your tongue
even when you do things wrong
i must try to feed the monster inside of my stomach
but it beats me to a pulp
every time i want something even as widespread as love

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
you don’t need all the credentials
you don’t even have to have potential
as a valued person for anything other than your outer self

likewise, one day i might slip under the rope
being able to stop playing limbo
but what does it matter?
i’m still not a rose quartz in the middle of a stage show

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
dance in alleyways
sing in outer space
be someone who can be replaced



be easily replaced
and then you’re beautiful
in this world

it’s funny, you told me
that i would be popular in high school
you were unbelievably wrong

you said that out loud back then
and i felt like the coolest
person in the room

as you can see, the past
fills my mind, my body, my soul
and it’s not worth letting go
at least after all this time
my tears are still not manufactured

spot me—
under candlelight
because when the night comes
like a tidal wave
all my old victories
present themselves
as fantasies
when in all reality,
i was just as washed up then
as i am currently

before i even had a phone,
you were there.
i snapped photographic pictures
of you and you stayed in my
memory like hot glue
and i got burned and burned and burned
and now i hover around
as a burden in a blood soaked satin dress

you’re funny, until you feel threatened
and call every warm-blooded force
around you
ugly.

it hit the brunt of me,
and you never asked me to dance
i was waiting for you all night
your father kept talking to me
and wouldn’t
shut up for some reason
he always told me the
spotlights exploding
were just our hearts

or at least that’s what i gathered when i
read his mind

you laughed with me, you waited on me,
you conversed with me, you talked about me
and i would dunk
my head in the water beneath me
to rid of the cruelty you pushed on me;
to combat the rings of fire that you hurled me into

all these people who get to talk
about their feelings
yet, you never admitted
how you felt
and i was getting mixed signals
and i was young and dumb
and crazy and selfish and
hateful of myself
and you didn’t help at all
and..you know.. i never needed your help
it just would have been nice to be able to
know that you cared at least a little

i hate that i have to remember you
i don’t like me because of you
although it’s not always about me

    got your driver’s license?
  how does it
feel to not
     be in control
all the time?

it’s not as empowering as you would have liked
and good
your ego doesn’t deserve to be bloated right now

i am not in love with you,
let’s be clear; i never was in love
with you, honestly
who could be?

i was about to see your new flesh
a couple months ago
but a spirit must have taken over your
mind
and the excitement i had
vanished
into the august midnight breeze

don’t you know that:
I DON’T NEED YOU
I NEVER NEEDED YOU
I DON’T WANT YOU TO RETURN
I DON’T WANT YOU AROUND

hopefully our ending can be brutal
but not too brutal
for i need to see you once more

the wilderness is violent, and chaotic and
vapid
fireworks crackle in the golden brown sky
i don’t want to kiss in a busted-up mustang
with a cracked windshield
don’t want to bathe in beer or get drunk in love
unless you want to carve your name on my chest
leave me hanging on the drywall in your bedroom
or leave me outstretched in the dessert
left to my own vices
the heated sun burning marks on my body

from the day we became mirages of our inner selves
and our demons fought in ****** battles that ended in calamity,
we have hid each other in line breaks and kingdoms

the rising sun the single witness of our togetherness
and of the
blisters on my chest
from the tattoos you engraved on the foreign body of mine that didn’t give you the consent

fear,
an emotion i feel
on a daily basis
looking such a human
in the emerald eyes—
terrifying

they like my hair
the curls, the waves
the volume, the aliveness
but i can’t help but
tiptoe over the thought
that
the fondness of it
is disguised hatred…
fear

melancholy, but alone
oxymorons to me
being melancholy and
alone do not exist together
but somehow
when they all leave
my side like blurry ghosts
the sadness creeps up
slowly, painfully, brutally…
fear

the anxiety inside of me
fueled by gasoline
fires on my tongue
buildings dilapidated
lava flows softly
in a thunder city…
fear

children and their
dreams vigorous with
marzipan and cherries
their fake hair
and fake bodies
and overestimated “sorrow”
their heels snap on the floor
like cinderella i sweep
the dirt off the tiles
as they whisper delightfully
about the ball in
a nearby castle…
fear

oh, to be a swan
to swim in streams
that invite me
to glide in waters
that embrace me—
hunters!
they must have seen
our pure white glossy
feathers from afar
do you hear that noise?
heaven sakes, he’s
been shot…
fear

oh, to have a swan funeral
wearing our hearts
on our wings
fly away friend,
go join the sparrows
and doves
and peacocks in
Heaven
i wish i could join you
i’m alone and melancholy
down here where the hunters
roam
where the apple trees
are seasonal
and not forevermore
meet me,
but i doubt you will
given your circumstance
compared to mine…
fear

seized—
deceased people around me
see the anxiety that
towers over me
like a dictator hungry
for tyranny

frightened—
held by the nightmares
that heighten my senses
tighten my vessels
take into account
my unenlightened downfall

conquered—
off my rocker
stabbed with blades,
they knocked her
out and she cried
but not ta’
worry, she’s
bonkers;
shocker

captured—
years since i’ve felt rapture
left my optimism
in a time capsule
fractured my bones
discarded them in a chapter
book
lost my laughter
caught in disaster

just when i assume the worst has passed,
the peril continues
strong and decided
seizing me,
frightening me,
conquering me,
capturing me