firstly: i know one hundred and fifty percent that i will blush when i see your face after all these years. my smile will morph into a full face frenzy of happiness. and i will definitely hide behind my friend that i see basically every single day. sorry, you always brought out my nerves
secondly: i miss you and i have missed you so incredibly much ever since you left and i left too. i don’t want to admit that unless you read my poetry one day, which i might end up giving you the username and you’ll read every poem i have ever written, you will never know what i truly feel about you. breach of privacy, but it’s for you. cause i wrote almost every time i missed you and i tried to summon you as if you would appear outside of my window, throwing rocks, waking me up in the middle of the still night. maybe you don’t miss me?
thirdly: i will struggle making conversation with you. i was always horrible at doing that before, but now it’s gonna be even worse. you will laugh and say i am being awkward and then i will laugh to try to cover the awkward, but it will always creep around the corners where i reside. i am hoping it can be just like before without any hesitation
fourthly: i am gonna show up to impress, probably in ripped jeans that show off my thighs. maybe you will be encapsulated by my features and maybe ask for my number that you never got. who am i kidding? from you stemmed my worst insecurities and the nights when i sobbed the loudest in the pouring rain. but i will still put my heart and my body out on the line, ready for objection and rejection of all kinds. maybe this time you will call me “pretty” or “pleasing.”
and lastly: life hasn’t been the same since i have seen you. i am afraid that i will act differently than you have been expecting. a different girl from a different world in a different form. don’t judge me for shifting my personality to fit in. whatever, as long as you say hi and we all have great recollections of such fantastic memories, i think it will all be ok. in the end, i am the only one who can control what i do and how i speak. i just can’t wait to see you and everyone else. and read my poems :D

i love my body
my waist that isn’t the slimmest
but it’s doing the job
my lips aren’t the fullest
but they can taste
i admit i used to hate my legs
i despised the way they fell together
no thigh gap
plump in the mirror and through my judgmental eyes
but i had body dysmorphia
and she was so cruel to me
hitting me and shaming me for every little crease and imperfection on my body
she obsessed and i listened
and i cried and i watched myself twenty four seven
but now my legs are powerful
they could take down anyone
they’ve got a mind of their own
idk when i started loving every swoop and curve and turn my body took
i still think my stomach is too fat
it’s not flat enough
and i would and still **** in to create an effect as if i didn’t eat the two burgers
that i only ate one
but i know i shouldn’t be perfect
i should be human, after all
but how am i supposed to adore the parts of my stomach that don’t look like other womens’ do?
eat less, don’t bloat, stop drinking or you’ll float
i don’t take that type of criticism anymore
my body ain’t perfect
not even a bit
but i am human
what’s wrong with it?
cause it’s a built in truth teller
i won’t let any man stick around who doesn’t beg at my feet
and touch my body as if it were blessed by God
who doesn’t dream of tracing every edge of me and doesn’t say i’m pretty
he better wanna explore every part and dive in deep
love me in my rawest form, beautifully
i will leave him if he uses me for my body
i will love him if he waits for me
you know a body is just a outer wall
for the goopiness and strength of ones heart
so i will love my body
because it is a part of me
and not obsess over it
because it doesn’t matter at all to me

ice is sharp and cold and you don’t wanna get frostbite during the winter months
i never wanted to step on the cracks
i never wanted to fall in so deep
painfully sobbing and at the very edge of drowning
i never wanted to get hypothermia from my fatal accident
i only wanted to step over the cracks
and return safely to the promised land of warm beds and train tracks

you say you don’t love him anymore
yet you always blush and turn pink when he’s around
you get giddy and you tell me to do things
and if i refuse, you speed walk in the other direction
you still have a bonfire buried deep inside those smoking lungs
your soul keeps gathering sticks
your heart keeps lighting matches
inflaming and heating up the blazes of the man-eating fire
you say you don’t love him anymore
but he still affects your ethereal smile
he still changes your attitude
and you will never not love him
so stop lying to yourself
and stop letting him capture your mood
and put it in a russian doll
layers upon layers
without discovering the truth
you say you don’t love him anymore
but i know you still do

𝙞 𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙘𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙨 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮
𝙞 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪
𝙢𝙮 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙
      ❞𝙘𝙡𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙚𝙮𝙚𝙨
       𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙣
       𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙘𝙧𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙙
       𝙞 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜  
       𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙞𝙣𝙝𝙖𝙡𝙚
       𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜 𝙚𝙭𝙝𝙖𝙡𝙚
       𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙚.❞
𝙞 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙
𝙨𝙡𝙤𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙮 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙛
𝙞 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙨𝙥𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙬𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧
𝙢𝙮 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣
       ❞𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩
         𝙖𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙚.❞
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙
         ❞𝙢𝙖𝙮𝙗𝙚 𝙞𝙩’𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝, 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙚𝙙𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢.❞
𝙢𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙙𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢, 𝙣𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝
         ❞𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙚𝙤𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙨𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚.❞
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣
          ❞𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨
           𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙠𝙮 𝙪𝙥, 𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙣𝙮, 𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙩
           𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧...❞
𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙖𝙨 𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙨
𝙨𝙖𝙮𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨
𝙞 𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙙𝙧𝙞𝙛𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙪𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧
𝙞𝙣𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙙
𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙖𝙮
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙧𝙚𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙚
𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙞𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚’𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙮 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚
𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙚𝙛𝙪𝙡
𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚
𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙙

𝙞 𝙢𝙚𝙙𝙞𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙘𝙡𝙖𝙨𝙨 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮
𝙡𝙚𝙩’𝙨 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙨𝙖𝙮
         𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙮 𝙨𝙖𝙛𝙚 𝙨𝙥𝙖𝙘𝙚 :)

i watched the brightest star in the sky through my melancholy filled eyes
i think i saw your silhouette dancing in the brisk winter air
my pupils became satellites
and if i wasn’t so petrified i woulda cried
but it isn’t on me
and i cry in secrecy

i think i saw you pirouette by the dwindling shine of the star
but that’s just a thought of mine
i thought i’d bring to mind