maybe i was never meant to fit in
i am the bystander
the sidestepper
the ignorant
maybe i was never meant to mean anything
i was supposed to be the “maybe”
or the “later”
and i am so so so so sick of this
my voice is cracking as i speak and yell and scream
notice me!
don’t keep me around if i do no good
this must be torture
or meaningful
for some stupid stupid reason
maybe i should just run to russia
or stop dang TRYING
stop TRYING to impress every stranger
stop TRYING to impress people my age
stop TRYING to become someone i ain’t
stop TRYING to be a friend or a side piece
i will just race my own shadow in a field of flowers
i will ALWAYS win
cause me myself and i can’t ruin anything
that’s exactly how i should be

i write you poems that you’re never going to hear
or read
or understand.
i write you poems since you’re never gonna know my name
or want to
or care.
i write you poems that maybe will make you see an apparition of me in your bedroom
that’s highly unlikely
i’ll stop trying.
and i write you poems so maybe one day you will realize that i love you and hopefully that will be enough for you to stay on this planet for a little longer and stop thinking of the slaughter
in my storyline
you will always be a daisy
and if you just listen to me
i will make you an entire garden
full of reasons why i write to you
and about you
and you will know for certain
that you are loved

you ARE loved

i want to love you

i want to hold you during autumn by the fireplace

i want to cuddle you in the pitch black and know that i am safe

i see plenty
thousands
of people my exact age
with people they love
or they wanna spend
more time with
i ache
i want you so bad
but
who the heck
will you be?

i want to be so engulfed in you that i can’t speak to you
dream of you
or lay awake with you
cause my heart will burn
and cause the cream bedsheets
to become the same exact color
as the fire my heart contains

i want to be able to kiss you
in the midday rain
pieces of you fit in me
glued together

i want to be so far gone
that if you break my heart
i will throw a fit and tantrum
resorting back to who i was
at five or six years old

i want to talk to you for hours
upon hours
forgetting that time means
anything more than numbers
becoming so invested
that the words i write
can only ever be your name

i want to walk with you
in the gloom of the
three a.m
drunk hour
wasted on each
other’s smiles
giggling and chasing
after one another
like in a chic flic
dreaming in
radiant
and gorgeous colors
all over
our clueless yet
satisfied expressions

and all i really want is
to be able
to lay by
you
and not worry
about not making
a peep
be whole
be full
be you
around me
i didn’t sign up
for another
you are the only
you are you
and i am in love
with the ashes
and madness
and nightmares
and insignificance
and flashes
and outlandishness
and you
mr. beyond sadness
lay with me
in the hush
of the nighttime
your flesh
and mine
and only
two hands
holding the flow
together
you and i
once i have
no worry
or anxiety
that’s when
i know
you will
love me
unconditionally

i wanted to be a prodigy at spanish
so i could be better than someone
at something, anything
i guess i will never be better
and i should just accept that sooner
or
later