I love and hate staring at blank pages.
Love that it's empty, free for my thoughts to flow..
Hate the fear of running out of things to say.. not true.
Fear of my words and what they might be revealing to unforgiving eyes, what they might be saying to untrustworthy fiends.

These pages are always accepting.
Whatever it is I may be feeling,
unable usually to address,
these pages are doors ready to be locked and loaded with each emotion.

truth?

I wonder where the source of happiness lies.
I'm learning all these lessons, accepting all these feelings
my heart is crying..
There is a constant burning in my chest,
I couldn't possibly endure anymore.
I wish I could love freely but my recent lessons prevent me from doing just that..

Everything within it's time I guess.
Every moment felt,
we breathe through our pain.
through the hurt, anger and frustration.
'It's hard. This weight on my chest..
I have no escape from this mess..

I’ve been far too comfortable.
That’s not true.
I’ve been tolerating my discomfort, living amongst my pain, cuddling my burdens and stroking my grief.
I’ve mothered my depression into adulthood.

Far closer than my shadow it has become molded to me. A second skin.
It smiles with me,
We model new shoes, try new food and do crazy things together.

Every news is the same.
We’ve lost interest in this world.
If you had options, would you stay on this planet? Exist in this universe ? Is it that the stars  are against us ?

We don’t have options though, do we..
With each heavy breath,
it is enough that I still breathe.

In the beginning it’s beautiful, I hate that.
I’d forgotten before the reason for love.
Why we search in earnest for pain.
Pain you can’t ignore even if you try.
Pain that drives you to seek peace, even in the depths of depravity.
How we ache for relief, yearn for freedom..
To be free from what life thought love would never be.
Don’t ask for an explanation.
Take from this what you will.

How easily they forget..
so easy to forget..
Selfish being, you are the worst of them.
“Let your guard down, you’ll be safe with me. “
Lies. Fool.

I’ve given up on what’s left of love in my heart.
No longer eager to find what the world thinks I need to feel complete.
I’m tired and empty.
Nothing left to offer,
And even if I did,
my fear of being robbed of the last bit of me is too constricting.
What hurts more than realizing you meant nothing to someone who you thought was everything?
Ah, I’m done.

I don’t think about you.
Instead, I think of ways to be happy.
You are not a part of that.

In my mind, love comes to me.
Loud and clear without hesitation,
Love finds me.

For this to be true,
I know it isn’t you.

Before,
The sun was my reason.
The stars, moon, galaxies, never ending space,
Guiding light, journey without end.
More than fairytales..

Love that is real.
Love that means more..