Watching shows like Euphoria
Zendaya’s character speaks wisdom
Years beyond me
It feels good and hurts at the same time
Listening to her talk about
Everything I’ve been through or I’m facing
What’s going to inevitably coming my way
A lot hurts
But so much is numb at the same time
I wish the one person I feel is my family
Doesn’t want to hug me when I need it the most
They have their reasons
I just wish they felt my ache when I don’t feel their touch
Each day that passes without the simplest thing
Pushes me more
Towards letting go of the wheel at full speed
Kids these days like to say “just send it”
I think about that a lot
Maybe then it’ll all hurt less

I travel all over the state
Different jobs, never the same hotel
Always alone in my bed
This week I reddened from the sun
First visit to the beach
Mini vacation to forget what’s in my head
Then I invite him in my room
Both drunk from downing cheap spirits
Scared of the outcome I still say come in
We watch tv and make small talk
An hour passes and we lay side by side
He looks at me and we both know
Under the influence our smiles match
A touch of my leg, his hand is gentle
We hug and he leaves for his room
Not ten minutes pass and I invite him back
All I offer is to cuddle
My face still warm from the burn
I changed to shorts and a cropped sweater
He joins me back and lays in my bed
His arm is comforting around me
Turning to look at him I realize he’s not
who I have been seeing
He is all the bad
But also good that he hides
I can’t remember if I did or if he did
We lean in and his lips are soft
His tongue opens my smile and I accept it
Fitting perfectly in his side I wrap around
His legs entangled with mine
Pulling me closer he grabs me tenderly
It’s another man in love with someone else
Yet here I am being held in his strong arms
Falling back, I remind him of his other
Admitting it’s complicated we just hold each other
A silent kiss is shared once more
He escapes back
The feeling of his hands rubbing my back echos my mind
Kissing my forehead while my eyes are closed, it remains
We’ll act as if it never happened
I’ll live with the memory and try to hate him less at work
Now back home we go
What a trip.

There are certain things you can’t question in life
Like why you are loved
Even when you feel you don’t deserve it
Why you have a beautiful home and good job you worked hard for
Yet feel like you didn’t work hard enough
Why friends hold your hand and hug you on days you feel like you should be left behind
Why you continue to push and survive
After your mind has fought it almost every day
To end the pain that rumbles not only under your temples
But in your heart as it bleeds dry
Why you still smile, with all the torture you’ve faced
Why you continue to laugh after you’ve lost your voice to stand up for yourself
Why you are still here in spite of what you’ve attempted.
There’s a reason and millions of answers
You may never get the answers you want, but know not to question it
It’ll just take time away from you going and living the life you’ve been given
Go and live and love

I’m tired.
Not as lost as I once was
Still as confused as I’ve always been
This day last year
Celebrating the birth of someone
The person I thought to be my best friend
Yet they chose to throw me away later
Making my own decision
For once I wanted to pick me
Look what good that did
Like my every person I knew before
Trust given before it’s asked for
Just to be ripped apart
By myself
A ticking time bomb
Sociopath behind a smile and a laugh
I’ve screamed
Cried loud enough to break eardrums
The silence still was all I heard
Round two
Love of my life and and I’ll never be a wife
They won’t let me implode
Deserving to burn, roast in the suffering
I should cry again
Feeling nothing is somehow
No better
No worse
Nothing
What I feel
I need help but all I get is
Nothing
All I deserve
Is to be
Thrown
Away
Again

I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Before
Please, let this be different