876 Miles, the finite distance to an infinite incapability of being where I want to be,
far beyond where the horizon obstructs my sight
loathing distance has never meant more to me.
This pain in my chest is driven by nail with each stage of anxiety
this pit in my stomach sinks further with every inch you seem leave.
Waking after the dawn of a night I cant forget is torture in it's own
when I feel this drifting piece of me fading so far from home.
This vessel I am, cage-conditioned, desolated, derelict,
tries to put back every puzzle piece but none of them seem seem to fit.
I'm cold without your heat
I'm dead without your heartbeat
I breathe with ease but I'm just a husk that's empty where you cant see.
Now you've gone, no anger just pain remains
awaiting eagerly in my eerie state, staging this happy face so that next we meet I wont feel the need to pretend I'm okay.

Breathe in, breathe out
There must be a better way to calm me down
My warped and unstable senses cant tell the differences in imagination and reality.
I fret relentlessly in my moments of depersonalization coaxed by anxiety

I fail to follow on point to the mantras of carpe diem seeing only the obstacles along my path and not how to defeat them

Pacing a blazing trail that takes me nowhere, terrified by the idea of having to live with my failures
I know there's a better place to be for me, but making it there, making that change clutches my lungs, stalls my heart and suspends my breathing

Held down by demons as the room im in starts to feel smaller
Crushing my integrity with cynicism and no one to catch me as I falter

Its episodes like these, where I'm vulnerable and terrorized
That I see I'm the result of myself being at war with my own mind.

I cant harbor solace until I find some remedy that'll free me from this world of constant disturbance
For once to finally feel okay, is the only thing in this life that I lust.
They tell me to breathe in, breathe out
I have to try and calm down
Waking heated, drenched in cold sweat, hairs on end.
encompassed by paranoia, how can I tell myself to calm down when my mind is no longer my friend?

All the colors I see in the dying evergreen are speaking out to me.
I contract the essence of times of pure serenity.
Summer has fallen, the amber leaves have made that clear.
And its here only to fade


The crisp air, the scent of the forests gently giving way to the seasons end
The sensations it brings me, Ive become so attached
I loath the day when the final leaf breaks away and is doomed to silently crash.

I beg for constant autumn to reign
I cry for the leaves to only change
but never die.
I cannot thrive without this perpetual state.
winter will come soon to take my happiness away.

Itll just come and go
Calling out "goodbye"
I want it all
I want immortal fall

Over and over, again and again
Too much is in the way.
The sight of her sparks a freeing sensation, a blaze of infatuating curiosity.
And as I ponder, I wander, I begin to shift to the worlds that exist only when I'm dreaming, when im fully susceptible to my wonder.
I secretly want her, I secretly want to hold her, and feel like I'm not alone.
I want to be drowning in the waves of emotion that wake in her intoxicating aura.
Shes what I want, but can only have when I dream.
the world is ours when I dream. These spaces are a little less lonely when I dream, the air is easier to breathe when I dream.

But there are walls that by code I cannot breach.
The one high I cannot reach.
And by the mocking of the old crows screech, I feel I'm doomed to watch this flower bloom by the light of another man's heat.

The devil on my shoulder cries, to hell with your honor, ****** the man who wont honor her, while my angel implores that I mustn't haste that which I cannot change, how I wasted time sitting idly by, blind to the beauty in front of me. I hadn't shone the light she deserved, the light she needed to flourish. I watch her now, in bloom, in someone else's garden And inside i die a little more with each passing second of this paralyzing predicament. Each second I want to curl up fetal, wishing I had hastened that which I could've changed long before I allowed this much to get in the way.

I'm wide awake
And I'm feeling sick
Drank too much
And I'm still not over it.
Still not over her

It's all my fault
And it's getting worse
****** up, threw it all away
no way out without someone getting hurt
Still I want her back

This tastes about as sweet as my cigarette
While I'm sitting here theres some man in my lovers bed
I tried my hand, just wasnt it
Now I tried it again but this time my hand got bit.
******, I need her back.

It stings worse the more I think about it.
And I wish I could stop thinking about it.
I'm afraid this is it.
God, why did I leave it

How can I live with the guilt?
How did I walk away from the love we built?
Silence surrounds her and her lonesome cries
While I drown in regret knowing how I left wasnt right.

They tell me you dont miss her
You just miss the routine
Which is easy to say knowing I didn't have to see her face
As I told her goodbye from miles away

And now, one month deep
It still doesn't feel real
I guess I'll forgive myself
But I dont think I'll ever forget how I made her feel

Have you ever listened to break up songs
Singing the words aloud
Singing of the hurt they were brought by someone they love indefinitely
Left with their heart bleeding out as it all soaks into the ground, impaled by nail, slain with clout
Then your met with the bone chilling thought, the paralyzing realization.
That you're everything they are singing about.

We grew from nothing
Evolved by natural trial and error
Until consciousness coursed its way in
Unraveling the bonds that lock away intellect.
Giving life to feral minds, opening the eye for the first time.
Understanding had awoken inside,
Somewhere along the line, someone realized the truth

We didnt have to happen, but we are.
We didnt have to know, but we do.
The paralyzing thoughts of the after shock settles in seeing that we have been cursed by retaining.
We are able to hear ourselves in our own heads.
We are able to think beyond our bodies

Pondering away the dawning of genesis
Able to make peace with our conscience
Lusting for a calling that screams "purpose"
Are we truly alive without meaning?
Or are we meerly molded by the order of universal fate that watches without a wavering eye

I believe, the latter we prosper, the former we faulter
We are a Coincidence with a purpose
We live life side by side, we coincide in our existence
Each step forward is a step away from the past as we continue on fates forged paths
Make haste and hasten what must be done before you're satisfied with the dirt under the grass, because from nothing we began marching, step by step leading us to our last.

Forearm violin, and razorbladed bow
Play me the saddest song that you know
Sing me your pain as you cut out each note
Drench the melody in thick crimson woe

Help me understand the disdain that you confide within me
I want to embrace every chord your song screams
I want to be taken by the sway of the rhythm that pervades with every cry of the strings

I hear what you plead, I feel the Grave tempo sweep me through the climactic finale's bend
And In my applause, I pray you never have to play that song again.
Can you accept that each stroke isnt an end with suffering but a suffering with no end?

Turn your face to the sun, then all the shadows will be behind you
Listen to the harmony of the warmth, I beseech you
Though your scars read aloud each bar of your song,
The melody of letting go will cleanse the darkened fog you been subject to all along.

Forearm violin, and razorbladed bow
Play me the saddest song that you know
Sing me your pain as you cut out each note
A melancholy melody drenched in scarlet woe

I feel the burdens you confide within me
I embrace every chord your song screams
Im taken by the weeping will to live that pervades with every cry of the strings

And so the high comes low, the Grave tempo sweeps me through the finale's bend
And In my applause, I pray you never have to play that song again.

Will you accept the final note to bring to your suffering to an end?
Or will you let the past torment you again and again?

As I sit and stare
From my lonely bar chair
While enjoying a casual captain and coke
filling the room with my cigarette smoke
I notice that, in my lonesome, dreary world
I am but a seed among redwoods

I cant comprehend the conundrum that is life
I've been at the edge of the reapers scythe
Caving in to the pressure and strife
Living under the dim, florescent bar lights.

I didn't come from a broken home
But I did create one of my own
In my mind, where no light shone,
In the deepest sanctum, my awareness had undergrown

I sheltered myself, locked away in a cage
Any thoughts of moving on I saved for another page.
I wrapped around the idea that I couldn't make it out on life's stage
21 was the end of the line for me
And going any further I had forbade

But, before I had realized
I rose from the ashes
Overcame the obstacles
And really took in life as is passed

Each fleeting memory I had I grasped it
I now understand how i got here
I've turned my life around, the drugs, the *****, the pain and everything that masked it
I trashed it. I dont want it, I dont need to have it

Here I am.
Moments in front of my parents garage
Suitcases packed,
Friends and family arrive to send me off with a "bon voyage"

I finally got it
The key to happiness was right in front of me
I've had it all along but somewhere I had lost it
I dont know why it was so difficult to see

It's that, we pave our own paths
And anything that is trying to stop us
Is only temporary,
We may hurt from the mistakes in our past
But as long as you are able to get up and own who you are now
Then you will forever be set free

I never understood why theres a code in masculinity
A title shrouded by a defining stigma
That one mustn't break down to a weak mold of vulnerability
As if we aren't allowed to feel or express what hurts us

I try to hold back the tides
theres a finite point to how much I can take
The flood is building, higher it will rise
Until the waves crash over as my sea wall breaks

It will be rebuilt, taller and more fortified
But the waters will find a way inside
They flow harder and with rage intensified
All because of this world where my feeling are forced to hide