I understand that I'm not the first book you would pick up, that is if you were looking at the cover.
For there are so many books with alluring colors, and I am one dim color with a tattered binding.
But understand one thing; just because what your eyes see first isn't what your mind will interpret later on.
Yeah, an eye-catching outside layer is nice to look at, but what about the inside?
I promise you that even though I may not catch your eye, I have an unique story that has descriptive details that will over take you and your senses.
I will leave you breathless.
When you are finished with me and set me down, you will not be done with me.
You will refer to me about many things and one day my storyline may cross your mind.

You see me sitting there, oblivious to what is surrounding me.
And I appear normal and good to you so you decide I'm the one you want.
You're excited that you found me and how perfect I seem.
Once we get home you start to explore me, only to be shocked.
One the inside I am not the quality you saw on the outside.
Silly human, only the strong and good ones make it through what we experience.
Imagine being ripped away from your home, going to unknown places alone, heard words of different tones.
Being put into a crate with no way to escape.
I'm sorry I'm not who you expected me to be, I'm not one of the strong or good ones you see.

**** it.
           **** myself.
Why do I miss you?
       Why do I do this to myself?
It's like I'm addicted to the pain it brings.
       To my heart, my mind.
                 When it makes my body ache.
I don't want you back.
   At least not like that.
          But it'd be nice to talk to you.
I'm beyond confused
        trying to figure out living without you
And when I shed a tear
   it's because things have become less clear
And to know you won't ever be near
         Really tears me apart, my dear.

Laying here engulfed in your arms,
              nothing could seem more perfect.
As my hand slowly makes its way up your  
              perfectly defined chest,        
                            I wonder.
How could I become so lucky to have you?
                    I find your chest hair.
                         Then your eyes.
              Intensity fills the moment               So much about you leaves me breathless.
                    I can't get enough.
Love, affection, and lust fulfill our actions     for the rest of the night.
                        Breathless.

You came to me in time of despair even though the way I was treating you wasn't fair.
You'd hold my hand and tell me I'd soon be fine, because I think you knew I wanted to die.
There would be days I'd seem a million miles away and begin to cry, or days I would be running around not acting one bit shy.
Regardless of the day, your actions would find a funny way to tell me you loved me everyday.
Due to my thoughts I wasn't sure what to believe, I guess I had to be taught.
I lived and I learned and soon the tables were turned.
Through a long painstaking process you taught me the unbelievable.
You opened my eyes to a life full of beauty and self-worth, and opened my heart to an irreplaceable, beautiful love.
I love you and everything you have taught me, I wouldn't trade any moment we have shared for the world.
You're my best friend and life wouldn't have such a complete feeling without you, and every emotion you make me feel.

Oh how my body aches
Sadness and hate filling what was once happiness and love
How living had become just breathing and only feeling anything around one person
And when that person cannot comfort me I am in a stage of limbo
Somewhere between lost and trying to be found
My heart begs for one man's comfort and love, tearing me apart when it is not there

I've never really enjoyed Brown eyes, since mine are a shade of brown and Amber.
Yet, when I gaze into your dark brown eyes, I see life and feel emotions I never knew existed.

I would like to write but right now that's not going to happen.
I cannot grasp nearly enough words to describe how I feel.
sad, disappointed, confused, hurt, alone
Those are some, but only scratch the surface. So for now I will continue searching.
Not only for words, but for myself, and how to live without you.

I am in love with your biological makeup
Your mess of countless diverse cells
The cells that form the epidermis that wraps around you and calls you home.
Those cells that are constantly replacing old for new
The dead layer unnoticeably falling off with no harm when you touch me.
The dead cells that make mine feel alive
To the point I only feel alive with your cells which are plummeting to death but regenerating mine back to life.
The cells that come together in an array of ways to compose your beautiful, yet, intriguing soul are the same ones that help compose who I am.
Even though the ones that touch me are dead, they are the ones that make me feel alive.
And I cannot live without them.

I don't know who I am, let alone who I've let myself become. I used to care and be full of love and now I am cold. It happened so fast I still don't know what to make of it. I'm not sure who I am. To youiI may be, but inside I'm not me. I spend my time thinking and I'm destroying myself. Not eating the way I should is already showing up. Maybe that's what I want to do, destroy myself. Yet in a peaceful horrid way. Slowly self destruct myself with my own thoughts and self hate. I feel like part of me is gone, but I have no motivation to go find myself. So, here phone writing again trying to organize my thoughts..

My heart and eyes are heavy yet my soul is somewhere else trying to fly

It's like I was a sprout waiting for water. And you came and poured down on me and I sprouted instantly. You cared for me, gave me everything I needed. Taught me some lessons on how to survive the hottest and coolest times. I took in all of what you said, it was always in the back of my head. Then before you know it, slowly but surely I became the sunflower that wouldn't turn towards the sun, knowing it would harm me. Waiting for the sun to come to me. Disregarding all you said, constantly telling my conscience to shut up. I knew what I had to do to make it by, but I was afraid. The sun is so beautiful and provides us with heat and what not, but it burns, for it is fire, and I became scared of beautiful things. Afraid to turn away from the darkness into the light. Solely because in the dark you can't see that much, yourself and your thoughts. But in the light you can see anything you open your eyes to, which is terrifying. Either way I knew I had to do what made me happy. That's what you taught me, and I never thought I'd truly have to make myself happy until now.

My heart still breaks a little when I look at pictures of us.
Or read the little notes or cards you would write me.
I feel as if my body will always ache for you, because now I long for your touch.
I miss you telling me, "It's going to be okay." And the smile it'd bring to my face.
I miss the way our bodies would vibe off one another, and the feeling it would make me feel inside.
I miss the simplicity, yet overwhelming compassion a smile or kiss could make me feel.
I miss exploring your features, even though I knew them. And you doing the same.
I miss hearing your voice say my name, or things you would do to make me laugh.
More so, I miss you, your smile, your stunning, intimidating appearance, how I felt so powerful together.
And what hurts the most is someone new will get to experience all these things with you.
She will probably be better than me, and if you're happy then that's okay.
But I hope you don't forget me because you shaped me into a young woman I love.
And taught me so much to take on the world with.
After everything, I couldn't even say I hate you. Mainly because it would be a lie.

******* and all the bad habits you're making me create.

You always made my body experience new feelings.
But never would I of guess the most recent.
The tremble that takes over my body, and the way my whole body aches when a simple thought of you crosses my mind.

I try my hardest to show my strong side to you, but don't you see the crack emerging from the other side?
Crumbling

I love you, but I resent you.

Childish boy, you think I don't know?
It's funny because if you think I need you to grow.
The answer is simply no.

You see a smile but don't feel the pain
or know how much courage I've had go gain
To even act a bit sane, to stay tame.
You see and smile and happiness but you don't know the secret of the game.
Happiness is an illusion

let me come back home, because without you, I am forgetting how to feel.

There was a day we sat and cried, and we couldn't understand peoples way.
You looked for an answer in me I did not know, asking me why.
And now honey, now that I'm without you, I know why.

You used to be my cup of tea, now you're my cup of coffee with Bailey's

It still makes my heart crack when I read something you wrote for me.
I think of how easily the pencil glided across the paper as you wrote a book of love.
How you're words, oh so sweet, made me smile so bright.
Then hearing you say them made me feel like a child in a candy store, overwhelmed with excitement and paralyzed with happiness.
Now, I shake when I hold what used to be our love story.
The words in front of me engraved in my head with your voice, and the way you blushed while reading them to me.
So, I'm stuck with a memory reaching out for you, making the crack bigger.
When will it be that the crack is hit by a big enough earth quake that I will no longer have anything left to hold onto?

I look in the mirror and I don't even know who is staring back at me
My eyes don't light up the same and my figure is over twelve pounds lighter
I'm confused as hell as to who I've become the past few months because I don't even know
And all that I can think is that the answer lies at the bottom of many empty bottles

I could write a sweet sounding symphony based off of what it feels like to be held by your arms.
An infinite amount of photos could never capture what your eyes speak to me.
I could write down every thought of you that crosses my mind, but could never express how much you mean to me.
An infinite amount of mouths could smile back at me, yet never make me as happy as yours.
Nothing can do the justice of explaining how thankful I am for you and how much *I love you

Simplicity is a bliss when you see how you can make someone you love smile the biggest smile with the tiniest gesture

What do I have to worry about? I have found some type of peace within myself and am creating a girl I adore. But I hate myself so much.
Then again, what if I become 'high on life' and happy all the time.
Is that normal?
I hear people speak of it, but I have never experienced not being sad.
My mind wanders much too far.

My heart has started beating again, although it never stopped I can now feel it powering my body instead of just keeping me alive.

I've undergone a change
A one in which the love in my heart has been replaced with hate, and the hate on my mind has been replaced with love.
Hate and sadness now runs throughout my whole body
Sending what seems to be more and more with every pump
A thought of love may cross my mind and I'll feel like I am warm again
Only to be fooled
*Pump

It ******* hurts

You shattered my life. But I thank you because I have learned so much

And I scream out to the Gods pleading for help from above

I love you and your simplicity.
How happy you make me.
And most of all how I feel alive again.

One is none, two is one.

"How do you deal with it?"
                       -"I don't."