i see a light, far ahead
i see myself, no longer dead
i see the sun, i see the rain
i have lived through the storm
i have seen the hurricane

i wrote words, when i couldnt speak
now hear my voice, watch me scream
break the silence
break the rules
break out of my zone

been waiting too long for the sun to shine
instead of learning to dance in the rain

4am smells like freedom
i am no longer on the bathroom floors
i rise like the sun
and i'm thankful to have seen the colors
of the sky
change
one more time
everytime

Forgive me for the mess on the floor
I left my socks and dreams all over the carpet
Spilled my coffee and lies on the table
I clean it along as I clean up my broken pieces
Those that broke for you
Those that broke before you
You take off your shoes at the door as if it would make a difference
Don’t mind the mess, I tell you
I tell you so many other things too
Like I got that couch from my mother
And the bruise from my father
My sister got me that blanket
My brother hasn’t called in 7 months
I apologize for the mess
I don’t let people in very often
You’re looking at the pictures at the wall
You ask me when it started to go wrong
I shrug it off because let’s avoid talking about my broken past
I made that mistake one too many times
Don’t make me the topic of this conversation
I don’t want to talk about me let’s talk about you
I don’t want to be reminded of what I can see in the mirror
I’m living this life you shouldn’t do it too
Maybe I shouldn’t have let you in
But you knocked so nicely

You grew up thinking losing someone ends with goodbye
Have you ever said goodbye to someone you loved?
Because that’s when losing them starts

you lose them everytime you close your eyes and picture them
their hands on all the right places on your skin
through your hair touching your face

You lose them all over again when you hear their name,
voice or favorite song
Or any song that reminds you of them
You lose them everytime you pass the street you used to walk through daily to the bus station
You lose them every night you can’t sleep,
knowing there’s someone like them out there, alive
You lose them whenever you turn the lights on and they’re not next to you in bed
You lose them when your bed sheets don’t smell like them
and their hair isn’t all over the place  anymore

If you really think goodbye is loss
You must have never said it to someone you loved

Oh I was never lost
I just decided to never go home

Maybe because feeling homesick in your arms
Is better than being home

Loving may break me
But I’d rather never feel whole

If breathing was easier
Maybe then I could speak
Tell you about my dreams
And why I can’t sleep

Forgive me if my pain has touched you in ways my hands never have
You’ve got wounds I should have kissed gently and fire beneath your skin

Instead I bought you flowers you’re allergic to and wrote poems about your tears

Some days I tend to over-romanticise your bleeding lips that you never stop biting
Other days I can’t stand the way your lips curve when you laugh and the freckles on your hands

I’m a mess but believe me when I say my hands are clean
I’m just trying to love you
Even if it’s the wrong way

I was woken up by thunder and rain
heavy drops on my window sounding familiar
as my heart beats through sleepless nights
I turn to the other side of the bed
reaching for the missing comfort
my lungs are strangers in my body, breathing is impossible  
suffocating on the loneliness in my head
Reminded of those I love and those I’ve lost, reminded of tragedy and pain and people’s eyes and my lost dreams

Where do I start, teach me how to pick the pen
I can’t stop shaking
All night I’ve been thinking
I need to write the poem
I need to pick the pen

I never meant for my pain to ruin you
like a strangers cold fingertips on your bare skin
ruin you like it did me

I wanted to protect you from the world but I couldn’t protect you from myself