i hate the way your lips curve saying goodbye
i only like them straight up pressed against mine

i see your eyes through your curls
and the light is shining through
i feel the ocean waves through my vains
when i look at you,
my belly turns and i wonder if this is love

then i see your tired eyes in the morning
and i feel your heart beat in my hand when i hold you
your voice over the phone when you say you miss me
and the way you talk about what saves you
and when you dream nobody can stop you
the cold winter wind hasnt been there lately
since i met you you're all i could see clearly
some say we're too young to live this purely
frankly i do not give a ****

they dont see you through my eyes
could you even blame them?
they've probably never heard you laugh
it  makes my heart warm for a second it doesnt ache

and i know it's love

i usually write the pain away
i drink and smoke through the day
since you've left my colors have been grey

my biggest fear must be loss
i cant leg go i wont even try
i will grip on to hope
even if my eyes never dry

i've only had empty pages since you've left
how can i call myself a poet
when i cant even put in words
how empty i feel
how hard its been
to sleep through
to not feel blue

people have been talking
doesnt mean its true
people have been asking
how do i stop falling back into
the night i lost you

tell me if i'm asking for too much
but would it be ok if i left the lights on for you?
i understand we cant to be in the same room
but the keys are still in the same place they're in my shoe
please watch out for the boxes stacked up against the door
i packed up everything i've ever written and poured my heart into
ill make sure the lights are on
so you don't stumble upon our memories hid under the carpet
i took down the pictures we framed in the kitchen
i painted the walls and i threw away the couch

but i'll still leave the lights on for you
the keys will stay in my red shoe
just in case

Healing is eating dinner with your mother at the table again
Healing is looking both ways when crossing the streets,
And maybe healing is not more than a shuddered sigh,
some hope inhaled, and a heart unveiled
We talk about healing like it’s a life goal we set up so high
But, what if healing was merely tapping your feet to an old song
Singing along the lyrics you know are wrong
Healing was never supposed to happen over night,
But maybe it’s about staying up counting stars
Rather than counting lovers that left after the first fight

You blame yourself ,you say time will heal
You go through it all, never know what you feel
Now it’s been some time,
yet you still cannot listen to that song
It’s been some time,
You haven’t slept alone in so long
You say time heals
But it’s been a while
And you still carry a lump in your throat when you hear their name—
Maybe time doesn’t heal
Maybe healing is solely calling up your father for a chat,
Remembering to water your plants
And writing down a list of things you could forget

Perhaps healing is forgiving, not anyone in particular
But yourself
For feeling what you feel
For needing to heal

Wearing your sweater covered in memories
Wearing my heart like the holes in my jeans
My shoes red like the fire you set in me
You left me blue
And now i wish i could breathe
As easily as you did leave
My friends all told me I’d bleed
Who would have thought it’s you that I’d need
My parents warned me about the drugs in the streets
But never the ones with green eyes and a heart beat
So when will we meet?
no more between the sheets
Perhaps one day on the streets
Wearing the same old red shoes on my feet
And your sweater on me still so neat

you have this fear of answers
but cant stop overthinking questions

this world has taught you to dream
to live a different life
never yours
always somebodys

don't you dare color outside the lines
dont forget to look around
ask if youre doing it right

so you wake up on a daily
in an unfamiliar body
never yours
always some body
you travel through the bed sheets
you find your dreams under the pillow
so you leave them there
just like momma taught you
''dreaming is not for the likes of us''

but what if-
what if you leave your bed
you carry your dreams
your heart on your sleeves
dare speak up
even if your voice shakes
dare break out of the cell you were born in
what if-
this is everything you've been waiting for?
what if you open your eyes in the mirror and finally say
welcome home?
what if the thunder breaking your windows was for your own good
at least now the sun can shine through

what if this time,
this life
is everything you've ever lost
returned back to you?

i see a light, far ahead
i see myself, no longer dead
i see the sun, i see the rain
i have lived through the storm
i have seen the hurricane

i wrote words, when i couldnt speak
now hear my voice, watch me scream
break the silence
break the rules
break out of my zone

been waiting too long for the sun to shine
instead of learning to dance in the rain

4am smells like freedom
i am no longer on the bathroom floors
i rise like the sun
and i'm thankful to have seen the colors
of the sky
change
one more time
everytime

Forgive me for the mess on the floor
I left my socks and dreams all over the carpet
Spilled my coffee and lies on the table
I clean it along as I clean up my broken pieces
Those that broke for you
Those that broke before you
You take off your shoes at the door as if it would make a difference
Don’t mind the mess, I tell you
I tell you so many other things too
Like I got that couch from my mother
And the bruise from my father
My sister got me that blanket
My brother hasn’t called in 7 months
I apologize for the mess
I don’t let people in very often
You’re looking at the pictures at the wall
You ask me when it started to go wrong
I shrug it off because let’s avoid talking about my broken past
I made that mistake one too many times
Don’t make me the topic of this conversation
I don’t want to talk about me let’s talk about you
I don’t want to be reminded of what I can see in the mirror
I’m living this life you shouldn’t do it too
Maybe I shouldn’t have let you in
But you knocked so nicely

You grew up thinking losing someone ends with goodbye
Have you ever said goodbye to someone you loved?
Because that’s when losing them starts

you lose them everytime you close your eyes and picture them
their hands on all the right places on your skin
through your hair touching your face

You lose them all over again when you hear their name,
voice or favorite song
Or any song that reminds you of them
You lose them everytime you pass the street you used to walk through daily to the bus station
You lose them every night you can’t sleep,
knowing there’s someone like them out there, alive
You lose them whenever you turn the lights on and they’re not next to you in bed
You lose them when your bed sheets don’t smell like them
and their hair isn’t all over the place  anymore

If you really think goodbye is loss
You must have never said it to someone you loved

Oh I was never lost
I just decided to never go home

Maybe because feeling homesick in your arms
Is better than being home

Loving may break me
But I’d rather never feel whole

If breathing was easier
Maybe then I could speak
Tell you about my dreams
And why I can’t sleep

Forgive me if my pain has touched you in ways my hands never have
You’ve got wounds I should have kissed gently and fire beneath your skin

Instead I bought you flowers you’re allergic to and wrote poems about your tears

Some days I tend to over-romanticise your bleeding lips that you never stop biting
Other days I can’t stand the way your lips curve when you laugh and the freckles on your hands

I’m a mess but believe me when I say my hands are clean
I’m just trying to love you
Even if it’s the wrong way

I was woken up by thunder and rain
heavy drops on my window sounding familiar
as my heart beats through sleepless nights
I turn to the other side of the bed
reaching for the missing comfort
my lungs are strangers in my body, breathing is impossible  
suffocating on the loneliness in my head
Reminded of those I love and those I’ve lost, reminded of tragedy and pain and people’s eyes and my lost dreams

Where do I start, teach me how to pick the pen
I can’t stop shaking
All night I’ve been thinking
I need to write the poem
I need to pick the pen

I never meant for my pain to ruin you
like a strangers cold fingertips on your bare skin
ruin you like it did me

I wanted to protect you from the world but I couldn’t protect you from myself

the poem started with your lips on mine
but ended with some tears and wine

lies dripping from his lips like honey
tastes so sweet
i think it’s kind of funny
i saw it coming as i was falling-
like the leaves i was falling-
he leaves and i’m still falling-
in my sleep,in my dreams i see him falling-
in? no, out-
of me, of love


and i dive in honey
sweet lies
between my thighs
he dives-

I spill my heart out on paper
Bleed words that I carry, unspoken
I write and write and write
I write just to cross it all out just to crumple the paper
And miss the bin

Everything’s unfinished
The poem,
The painting,
My coffee.
The phone call,
Our talk,
The text.

They say I’m too ******* myself
But how can I not be
When all I know is half
Never full
Never whole
I never seem to make up my mind

I change my outfit according to my mood
Cut and dye my hair to match it to the sunrise that keeps me awake at 5am
Yet nothing feels right

I have to change
be more of who I’m not
Less of what I think I should be
Others seek happiness
I seek change

She wears jewelry around her neck
Diamonds
Suffocating her in her sleep
Bracelets of gold leaving her wrists bruised and blue

Sweet little girl was a gift to a stranger thrice her age
She is warned to never disrespect him, to always put his happiness first
Daddy crying out of happiness
Mommy crying, out of happiness

Everyone cheering and dancing as she is forced on a chair bigger than her, in a dress she should have worn for prom first

At the age of 14 told to act like a woman
Carrying a ring on her finger, soon lives of her own

She fears the night now
As they are cheering in daylight,
There will be no one to cheer at night
Besides him

I could never love another,
I could hold his hand and make love to his lips
drown in his arms and talk about his eyes
tell him about my fears and favourite books
explain the scar on my knee, call him when I can't sleep
but I will never love him
I will never write about him and how he makes my heart beat when he walks into the room, I'd be lying if I said I dreamt of him
your scent is still all over my bed
I will never take him to places we went or show him my secret spot
when he touches my bare skin I will breathe, and think of you

I could never love another

it's been 6 years since you last seen her
8, since you last talked
you wonder where she is, or how she's doing
you left with no goodbye, no let's keep in touch

it's Sunday evening and you miss her,
sitting on your terrace wishing you could kiss her,
wondering in whose arms she slept last night,
you stare into your half-filled glass of coffee and notice the resemblance to her eyes, her dark brown eyes you never thought were special

all you can think about is the sound of her laugh and how she loved to hold your hand
you know on her shoulders she carried the world
she didn't have much to offer but she promised you her world
so fragile yet certain to keep going
a universe as big as this, she always talked of meant to be
I guess we weren't, you think to yourself

as you light another cigarette you wish you had kissed her
she told you she loved you and you panicked, letting her slip through your fingers and now wishing you had held on to her a little tighter
all you can think about is who else is kissing her, does she tell strangers about him and write poems about his eyes?

the sun has set, your mug is empty yet your heart is filled with regret and anger
you know you can't get her back now
you know you've never seen eyes as beautiful as hers,
you just hope she's laying in the right arms,
even if you're not

let me kiss the sorrow on your skin
let me kiss the pain away, grow flowers inside of you
water them, pour my heart out to see them beautifully blooming
come as you are, along with your thorns and sharp edges
I will not heal you, do not count on that
I will hold your hand, remind you of the flowers within you
when you cannot sleep, i will sing to you
songs that have been written about you, us  
long before we were alive

When I called to make  reservations, they asked how many will be present
And I had to take a deep breath
Before I could say
Dinner for two
I hung up the phone
On the lady with the deep voice
I imagine her hair short and blonde, dyed
Beautiful dark eyes highlighting her defined face along with the a sharp jaw
Long legs, thin thighs
I imagine her thinking what an idiot I must be
Who calls like that? Who hangs up like that?
Probably thinks I'm lonely
No one to have dinner with
She must have told her friends about me, sitting in the kitchen and laughing
Imagining my hands shaking as I put my phone back in my bag

This is how
I ended up with
Dinner for one
This is why
I never called you
My hands were still shaking from that first call

I sometimes remind myself of you
with your ****** fists and smelly breath
you breathe out the anger,
you've been bottling up inside of yourself,
all in my face
funny it smells like alcohol

just as I thought I was over you and your hatred
I notice I still have your eyes and your nose
your fists too

I hate that I find pieces of you within me
and I cannot escape
to be who I want to be
you're holding me hostage inside my own body
I see you in my dreams telling me it's all going to be alright
I see you in the mirror, you've been crying all night

I hate that I blame you, you used to blame me too
for what's going on in your head
you let your fists speak first
I'm becoming more like you

we might look like
same eyes, the same nose

your heart is nothing like mine
i forgave you every single time

I'm an unfinished letter
a poem you would never read out loud
the cup of coffee you never finish
and the sweater you keep in your closet
unworn, brand new
the book you're forced to read
and the color that ruins the painting

everything that I say is far from who I am
don't believe my words
I know no trust
no such thing as simple or easy

there is no home in my body
run away before you're next I
will welcome you with arms open
you will be forced to stay
the emptiness will suffocate you
like it did me

I was never a half
you never completed me
though I've have always felt a little empty in the summer
then you held my hand in the winter
I ran of space
tried to catch my breath
you started talking about my eyes and how they shine
as dark as the night sky
they shine
like the lights in Paris
they shine
I stopped listening
you smiled
I was lost

within me, the voice mumbles
along the lyrics
when standing around
and in between my own ghosts and their friends
and my friends
they don't recognize me
do they even see me?


my lips no longer carry the taste of yours
everyone I have ever loved
I no longer feel in my bones

as I walk up the stairs
groceries in my hand
I mumble along the lyrics
the loneliness in my head
I remember the milk I forgot
so I drink my coffee black
and urge to fall asleep

it's 3 am and I wish I hadn't forgotten the milk

it's 4.30 I'm the only one left at the party
but the room is full

its 5.25 when i realize im alone in my bed
in my head

i used to fear death
and what comes after
now i only fear death after you
and what comes after

the darkness of his shadow she claimed her home
locked in a room, with the keys in her hand
she doesn't dare look out the window
terrified to see something that could save her

I try reaching for her hands
yet they're too busy holding on to hope
that the person that she once loved
might turn on the light and save her -
she is not to be saved by anyone but herself

I watched her slip through my fingers
she let herself fall
into a mans trap
who had no intentions of ever freeing her
who only called her beautiful when the blanket was covering her
and her bare skin
his voice filled the room, hers was barely used

mother, I tired to save you
but you are not to be saved by me
by him, anyone
but yourself

I know all about self love and respect
I know better than to blame myself for someone else's hurt
but how do I sleep at night knowing if I had been there
a little longer
a little better
maybe none of this would have happened

how do I sleep at night knowing you have given me everything
expecting something in return most likely
but I have absolutely nothing

how do I sleep at night with your sweet sleeping sound in my ear
knowing I'm barely even there with you anymore

how do I sleep at night when I haven't looked you in the eyes for almost two years already
time flies, doesn't it?

your bitter voice rings in my head at night
tell me how do I sleep
when everything comes crashing down at once
and I starting feeling empty again

how ironic it is to be in a room full of people
yet you feel emptier as ever
how ironic it is to be seen as a popular girl
yet you find it hard to belong somewhere, anywhere
I'm not who you think I am
I am nothing like the lilac sky you compare me to
sometimes I find it hard to breathe, being caught up in my thoughts
in my head
I am not who you think I am
I don't paint flowers and blue clear sky
I paint myself as a hurricane
I spill out my soul and hide it between words
I need you to listen
give me an answer

what is it about me that attracts loneliness?
why does the sun have to set so soon?

you are everything I have ever lost returned back to me

tell me about all those things you hate about yourself
and I will love them
and make sure
you go to sleep loving them too
tell me about the people you've done wrong
and I will forgive you
tell me about the love you've wasted
and I will return it back to you
tell me about all the hate and hurt
that has been caused to you
and I swear I will fill you with love and happiness
tell me about your broken heart
and I will give you the pieces left of mine

as you walked into my life
I welcomed you
arms wide open
completely unarmed
fully aware of heartbreak
giving you the power
to break this fragile heart I've been carrying

it's funny how I had lost the will
to ever fall in love again
didn't even know where to start
but as you showed up
you untied me from my sorrow
you watered my heart, helped it grow
told me my beauty could make men go to war for
my smile is to die for

you're the colour of the sky at sunset
you're the feeling when the lights go down at a concert
your smile is cure
I could write songs about your eyes
you told me you loved me
I forgot how to breathe
I have fallen in love with your mind
your soul is precious I want to keep it in a safe
buried deep down my heart
for as long as I'm alive
I will never let go

you know to never tie me down
you let me be as  free as a bird
,,say I'm a bird
now say you're a bird too''

our souls were made for each other
dear lover,
I am truly, madly, deeply
thankful for your existence
no matter the distance,
I will fearlessly fight through the miles between us
I know we were made for each other
I know our souls will grow old together

you're worth the wait

in silence we find comfort
yet we also find ourselves
in the middle of the night
when everybody is asleep
face pressed to the pillow, screaming
in silence

where is the comfort in that?

not forever
but for as long as you're alive
don't forget about me

remember me for who I was
remember us
for who we used to be

I know for sure
I will not forget you
I couldn't, even if I tried
you're in my veins

I might misplace my keys from time to time,
I'll forget to buy milk and do the laundry,
my mother calls me irresponsible
cannot blame her, she doesn't understand;
my mind is busy
analyzing peoples lips when they talk, the way they smile
or when they walk
observe their fingers as they hold on to something
do they hold it tightly? does the way they hold it influence their need for it?
I like to study peoples eyes the most
when they laugh
when they cry
when they talk or just listen
the glory is each individual eye and the way the color changes in sunlight
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday
the names of the movies we watched
I didn't mean to ignore your calls, i promised I'd call back
I will

As a poet
I am expected to romanticize the **** out of you
spill my heart out on paper write about the way you drink your tea so calmly and how it reminds me of the sun going down
sliding my fingers through your messy hair is like running through a field of sunflowers, I'd write
none of this really fits though
after all, I'm a poet

when you sleep
I'll admire the peace and beauty that lie within your precious, resting face

I'll write about the shades of green your eyes hold
and go in detail about how different they are from each other

I'll fall asleep next to you and hold you tight when you're not sleeping right

I'll be the breeze in the summer
not the disturbing type that ruins your hair
but the type you crave when the hat is running down your neck, spine
(everything will be fine)

I'll kiss you
wait, no
I'll gently press my lower lip against yours
breathing in the air I've been missing out on
placing my thumbs on your cheeks, carefully
I'll kiss you like my life depended on it

As delicate as a poets soul may be, my soul

I'll be the first sip of coffee that burns your tongue
the insomnia sweeping into your bed at 3am
baby please stay up with me
I'll be the discomfort in silence, the wrong color that ruins a painting
(pardon my screaming I can't hear myself with all these voices in my head)


call me a poet

Ever since you left
I've been getting more calls from people asking about you and everytime I had to explain that you're no longer here.
They never understood, they thought you were perfect.

What they didn't know is that the seek for perfection is what you left for, you didn't find it within me you looked somewhere else

Ever since you left,
I've been seeing you in the mirror from time to time, telling me to please, oh please cover my freckles.
But they're a part of me, unlike you
You no longer are

Ever since you left,
The place seemed emptier than ever
So i decided to fill it with everything I love and you hate
I'm making space for what my heart desires and for what you never wanted to have around

Ever since you left,
I've been wearing the pair of jeans you told me looked so weird and that I couldn't ever pull off
They're my favorite jeans now

Ever since you left
I've been growing my hair
You said long hair makes me look like a child though
I've been happier
I've been listening to slow songs you could never dance to
I've been writing and reading more,
I've been doing everything that I love



This a message to my old self
Ever since you left
I've been happier
Don't come back

i promise you i will walk these streets like i own them
if i have to, i will even go walk on the moon like my name is carved on it
i will no longer sink my head, or dreams
my echo will fill the halls that made me feel the smallest
i will speak up, use my voice to break the walls
dive through the  hate and grow love
(grow, love)
grow flowers inside each broken soul
water them with assurance that eventually things work out
i will help look for the pieces missing of your heart
i will give you what's left of mine
grab my hand
let's walk these streets like we own them

i am what people call
a void
you find me in the darkness
you find me in the skies
in empty halls
in broken souls
maybe in your heart - that's ok
you find me everywhere
the void
you cannot avoid

I picked flowers, for her
Dropped my dreams, for her
Never questioned why and where
I went along, with her
Over time you see that the look in her eyes never changed
It's been dark and ashy, don't remember the last time she smiled
I apologize every night, wondering if it's something that I did that got her upset
She says no but he hasn't spoken to me in years
Not one honest word
The lies come out of her mouth
like it's nothing
Like I'm nothing
The I love you's are the worst,
You don't look me in the eyes anymore




------------



Mother, I love you
While you probably can't even tell my eye color

i am still learning to forgive you
though most importantly

i am learning to forgive


myself

First things first,
I miss your eyes
Mostly your lies
The lies you used to wrap around my neck and hang me from the 7th cloud you put me on, making your lips vibrate on my skin
They warned me
But could you blame me?
I only saw the good in you
You brought out the best in me
And kept it for you
I was left with the worst of me
It was too much for you
So you left me
Hanging still from the 7th cloud I don't dare to move
Tell me,
Why do I miss your eyes
Mostly your lies

If it was up to me
I'd paint these walls the brightest with flowers and butterflies all over them
If it was up to me
I'd apologize for all the screaming
And fighting
And hate
And hurt
That has been going on between these  
Four walls
You'd think that
Four beating hearts would make a home, within these four walls
Care for, and love them
Feed them with love
But just like friends and lovers get tired of each other
These four walls
Got tired of not being put to their best use, a home
They have never heard the words I love you or I need you or even you look beautiful
In fact, they heard nothing but silence
If these four walls could speak
They'd cry midsentece