come on,
be yourself.


make sure your house
inside is filled with joy.


start off with
your first walk,
tiny step
I fall,
now I stand tall.


smile.


sing your soul out.
smoothing and calming
bang bang
you're dead
shot in the head
3 times, 2 times, one.


tears.


dance your heart
out. breathe in
and
sweat.
bang bang
50 people are dead.


kiss,
hug
and hold.


nothing else can be told.
disasters, and misery
in busy streets.


flowers
and candles on the floor,
I'm sorry they're not here anymore.


these people,
put guns in their houses
and looked at their watches.
time ticked and ticked
and all we heard was gun shots.


people are crying,
and sighing yet
guns are still in their houses.


bang bang.

I need to stay
sane
while my blurry
head catches up
with the depression,
that wants to swallow
me in
whole.

why did
you have to slowly come
back when I was ready?
I wasn't steady,
and stable for this.

let it fade away,
that's when you
know it's going
to go.

it won't.

my heads blurry,
filled up
with a rush
of thoughts.

I don't feel good,
I don't feel good enough.

it won't go.

I'm scared you’re  going to stay,
and won't let it fade away.
on this day,
I'm trying to be okay.
I don't want it to stay.

just drink up,
your cup of tea.
sit tight,
you'll be okay.

let's hope
it won't stay for long.

just open the door,
let it be comfortably
numb.
give it a place
to sit, on this
comforting place.
go at your own pace,
it's okay. (I hope)

I know
I fancy you
Because
I got a notification on my emails
Telling me that you messaged me
And I was surprised
That it gave me butterflies
But that message was from
Yesterday when we were
Both busy

I know
I fancy you
Because I’m nervous
About when we’re
Going to be alone
Together
Instead of
Always hanging out in a group
And
Wondering
If I’m leaving
or staying  

I would stay if
It was just me
And you  

I know
I fancy you
Because I know that
On the other side
Of the phone
You’re probably nervous too

After breaking your heart
I listened to Radiohead, really I was
Still trying to go over
The times you played Radiohead
Once,  I was just trying to
Remember the words you said

Now,
I just sit
And listen
To Radiohead
Because  
You never played them
More than once
And I will probably
End up playing their music
To someone else
Instead.

I kissed
Someone last night
And it wasn’t you
But I wish it was

Not even dancing against
His body  
Was enough for me

I just wish it was you
Kissing me instead
Out the club
And not in  

I wish it was you
Kissing me instead

I kissed someone
Last night

I was too drunk
but not drunk
enough

To still think
About kissing you
Instead

you told your mother
multiple
times
that I was the sweetest girl
you’ve ever met out of all the
girls who were your lovers
but you decided
to tear me apart
and make me the other women
whilst kissing another girl
at a Christmas Fair
that we were supposed to go to together

luckily I’m my own person
And I never was really the
other women you wanted me to be
all you managed to do to me
was hurt me
so very easily
and that time,
you didn’t tell your mother

This Christmas
I will be spending it
alone
with my family
thinking of another person
who I want to sit
and talk to about
how he’s here (right now)  
whilst I am too

and this time, I was the one
who I did tell my mother
about him.

Why is it that
In a room
Of people

That I still want to die
Right in front of everyone
But really
I would just disappear
And I wouldn’t be in front
Of anyone
But myself.

Death would be a fine thing
If I could magically disappear
For one second
And temporarily never come back.

Isn’t it such a fine thing to feel
Like I’m going to die alone.
What a fine thing if
I could forget how to feel,
For one second.

Death would be a fine thing
To dissapear for one second only

I don’t want to share my body
With you
I want to be with somebody
Instead of sharing
Every naked bit of
Myself
To someone who probably
Won’t fall in love with me

I don’t want to share my body
With you
Unless you want to get
That close to me
Without destroying me
Through the process
Of touching me,

Can’t we just kiss
Instead ?
I’ll learn about
The little things inside your head


I don’t want to share my body
With you
Until you want to be with me
For things other than,
Other than exploring
My naked skin
Against your small hands
Touching every part of me.
I want to learn about you,
Instead.

What do I think
About that?
I do not think
At all
I just sit
In the quiet spaces
Trying to not think at all

If I could sink
Into nothingness
I would probably
Learn about the stillness
Around me
And then I would get
Told that I have no
Mental illness

What do you think about that?
I am not thinking
I am just sinking into nothingness

If I told you
I wanted to die
Right now
Would it be a lie ?
Because I would
Probably cry

I’m sick of
Feeling like
I’m going to die
Everyday
The thought
Of wanting to die feels
Peaceful within this numbness
Of my anxiety drowning me in
Everyday

If I told you
I wanted to die
Right now would it be a lie ?