on the first date
she confided in me
i have a chromosomal disorder, disorder, disorder
i need love and pain strangely mixed together
my elixirs
i suffer reality distoooorrtions
a ghastly Vatican of ****** compulsions
my soul is black matter
my **** a seething cauldron of despicable desire
my *** cries for homicidal cruelty

mold me into a *******
fold me like a two dollar beach chair
the wrong way
tear me to bits
unwind my intestine
eat me like a blood ******* ghoul
make me squirm like an anime victim

i thought oh finally a soul mate
with soul

strange as a Dionysian mad hatter on hallucinogenics
hot girl creeping
grimacing at me
meandering conjurations by ****** contortions
stunning impersonations of a Fellini impaling
shes a famous artist
keeps broodish bowels and blood tampons in stainless vitrines
spot lighted
ready for her debut at the
Museum of Modern Art

she blows torrents of snot like ****
her beautiful desperate tongue searching the upper lip
a salty runny viscoses snack
oozy
finding it finally with her frenetic tongue
feeding her gooey ****
with wet fingers
oh yummy yum goo
up her *** too

first smiling then hideous scowls
exposed teeth
posing with a knife
wana see me cut my self bad boy, she taunts
wana see my impersonation of pizza with extra tomato sauce

blood blood *** in the be in the bed
wipe it up with ginger bread

some how she miraculously bulges her eyes out
then performs, ******* lips as if a minnow in a fish jar

pointing to her ***
giving me that **** hurt me twisted look
how about a peanut butter jelly ******* sandwich
with a side of ****** feet
**** and **** on toes
its especially prized this day of the month
as her **** tears like a vampires mouth, a torrent of blood
pouting **** with white red stained thighs that break a mans heart
*** nothing at all she quips
just a little accident
do you like it?
as she glares like an invitation
to play slip and slide bare foot in her puddle of blood

oh she made me *****
my cherry red **** having a nervous breakdown
from apoplectic horror gasms
a dose of heavens hell

i want her
she is voluptuous like a dozen venomous snakes
copulating in warm soup dark water everglades
she is slither theater

curdling screams
then muggling *******
brought on by the first belly stab
falling to her knees
looking up shocked
mouth gaping
eyes wide
grinning
glance steady
holding holding holding
the belly cut
a cacophonous modern dance of agony
followed by rapturous convulsing *******
that went on and on and on

get a bat she implored

she is a real ******* movie star
the Greta Garbo of *****
a dark jewel
a must have
a hell wife
goddess of dread
a ******* *** genius
my best girl ever

fused by desire
we kissed like **** loving catholic priests
in adoration of their savior
young boy *** castrato hitting the high notes


she looked up with desperation
eyes with glittering tears
and said
are you my black knight?
do you know how to hurt a girl
are you my
Vex Mallus
Dr Satan
Marquis De Sick
Nick Nick
Dark Officer
Remus the Werewolf
Dom Sugar Daddy
Pit Bull
Tommy the Tummy Gutter
5 o'clock Shadow
London Cabby
Amputee ******
Uncle Surgery Gone Wrong
King of the Carpathian Vampires
my sweet kissy Kitten

ooohh yes i said
i am all that for loves sake
albeit twisted
i am what you crave.. your no taboo lover boy
your ******* licking foot slave with a razor in hand
a bubble of poison between my legs
your homicidal suicidal cockealiciousness

she said good,
now that we have that settled
can we go out for dinner
ill be dressed in a jiffy
if i can find my dead skirt
of soft white gauze
with that lovely motif of dread red
and my precious toe tag jewelery

It’s 3 am and I miss the way yours arm wrap around me
The lat time we saw each other we cuddled and fell asleep
I go to bed now and miss the gentle, loving touches we shared
Why do you plague my memory this way when you aren’t even there?

And it saddens me that I won’t feel you any longer
You’re a distant memory of the past where our love will no longer foster
You plague me with the memory of your arms around me
Oh how I long to be held by you again, even just once more, to feel complete

(11/8/22; 3:04 am)

My friends sent me a series of photos of you
Apparently you were spotted in the flesh

It feels like a distant memory that I was once that close to you

In the pictures you’re smiling
And I can’t help but smile looking at you with that smile on your face
“You look like you’re doing well”
I think to myself

It’s not that im not doing well,
Im doing pretty okay, I’d like to think

But I’m happy you’re okay
I wonder if you think the same of me

I look at you fondly reliving the good times, and well, the bad too
I’m happy you’re happy
Even if it wasn’t, it isn’t me

You once meant the world to me
And I care about you deeply
But all I ever wanted was to see you happy

And as I look at you from a photograph,
Reminding me of the distance between us,
I’m just really happy you’re happy.

(6/28/23; 12:19 AM)

I was on my laptop playing a high stress game
And I switched tabs and saw that telegram had a notif
My heart beat a million times per second
I could feel it beating through my chest
Much like the time we spent in my backseat, professing our love to each other

My heart beat fast
Palms sweaty
It’s a lot like falling in love
But you aren’t here

I check the message and it’s not you
My heart continues to beat as loud and as fast as it was
Am I relieved that it wasn’t you?
Why did I feel so anxious, thinking it had been you
I wished it was you
I really wished

I hoped you talked to me again
And yes
I am upset that it wasn’t you

Why do we reserve things for special people in our lives?
That thing just gets ruined when they’re no longer there

My heart still beats fast
Trying to calm down
I felt all the symptoms of nervousness all at once
I really hoped it was you
But alas you’ve left my life
I should stop hoping it’s you

I am disappointed it’s not you
Please come back.

I can’t help but smile
Watching that 3 minute video of us kissing
It reminds me of our memories
The good times we shared together

And I don’t know if it’s just me being delusional
But I still smile when I think of you
Yes there were bad times
But it’s as if I’m always focusing on the bad
We had some very very good times too

We had fun
And it was easy
And I really loved you

But now I feel the tears forming in my eyes
I miss the possibility of what we could have been
I miss the way you’d hold me and put your arm around my shoulder in public
Unashamed if anyone was watching — even my friends and family
I miss the feeling of being yours
And I miss when we were good

My friend says it was 2 weeks worth of good
And although there is truth to that,
The rest of it wasn’t all bad

And I miss you.
I just miss you and the you who I started dating
Because we were good and happy and in love
And I don’t know what happened to that

We did have good memories, right?
I was willing to fight the world for you
To make you only happy
But somehow my love turned into annoyance
Why were you always so mad at me? So annoyed?

It’s as if we spent no good times together

And I look back at our photos and videos and see you smile
Why don’t you smile like that anymore when I’m around you?
I had to ask you to face me — ask you to look at me the last time we met up

How ironic that the place we started— when I first met you and drove to your house after I visited that secret gallery on Mother Iglecia, and when I met you again after the time we didn’t talk— after I found out you liked me and wanted to try dating me, and to the point in time where you told me you loved me in the backseat of my car and then eventually asked me to be your girlfriend— would be the place where we ended it all.

I just miss you okay? And the memories we made when we were happy together

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Although we didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy
I was happy to meet you and be with you and to know you
But sometimes we are meant to take our own paths in our lives, one’s that meet at one point but never meet again

We intersect and it’s good,
Until that intersection starts disappearing and we start disconnecting

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
Knowing that the times weren’t all bad
To me, at least, we were happy
We were happy, weren’t we?

I still smile when I think of you
I am sad yes but I’m also happy with the memories we shared

How fulfilling that this prose was made a week after we officially parted ways
I tell myself I’m okay, I’m over it
But am I really?

I am still sad and I obviously miss you
But somehow, in spite of your absence, I am happy

The memories of us replay in my head like a music video, a kaleidoscope of memories, an album of the good times we shared
I do hope you think of me fondly still, despite our partition
Because I sure do and you know I don’t like it when my feelings aren’t reciprocated

I look back on our photos and videos and smile
I really did love you
I’m happy we met
I don’t know if it still applies now but hey,
I love you

(5/29/23; 12:02 AM)