Clutching the teddy bear you gave me,
scrolling through the feed of pictures we shared,
I stop at the video I took of you-
the one where you play your video game,
the one you love, while I laugh at your pretend frustration,
which you orchestrate for my entertainment.
I stop at the picture of young you-
wearing red, holding hands with Santa, looking at his hat-
we joked that our kid would look like that.
Clutching the teddy bear you gave me,
my heart breaks again,
hearing our song on repeat.

Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-Flop,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-ip, Flop-op,
Flip-Flip, Flop-Flop.
Flip. Flop.
Flip. Flop.
Flip.

We're all addicts-
addicted to sadness,
because no one else can put us down if we're already there.
addicted to anxiety,
because life can't shock us if we've seen the worst case scenario.
addicted to disappointment,
because we don't want to expect the best anymore.
addicted to loneliness,
because there's no one to leave us.
We're all addicted to this pretend power,
synthetic strength,
this desensitization and unwillingness to feel,
because it's better to get used to the darkness,
than to see the light only for a moment,
and spend the rest of our days reminiscing over the shadows.

I've taken everything off, undressed completely,
So why don't I feel naked?
Why does it still feel like I'm carrying ten layers of clothing -
Why is it still heavy?
I'm only chasing clarity- what else can I give?
My head is still muddled like a vision behind blurry eyes
I still cannot see
And before I can see anything - I cannot see you.
I need to jump into the water,
the terrifying, freezing water,
the stormy, dark water,
and be ok with that -
Only then can I feel you if you're still there,
Only then can I see anything other than a silhouette,
Only then can I hear you speak and finally understand something other than a mumble.
I need to be naked, before I can strip in front of you.
The thought of being naked alone,
naked and alone,
terrifies me to the core;
but I need to shed off my skin, I need to break my chains, I need to leave this prison, this twenty pound anchor dragging me down,
and I need to jump.
And if I fly, I promise darling, I will fly back to you.

There was once a normal girl
With normal friends in a normal school
This little girl was happy as can be
Knowing not that her fate was cruel

She found a lump on her collar bone
Smiled, oblivious, as a stone,
Doctor said: "Emergency!"
"Oh well," thought she, "How bad can it be?"

For all her life she'd known no harm
Sweet as chocolate, in a happy farm
Young and laying in mother's arm
Innocent.

But this little girl was smart.
And laying in a hospital bed with her eyes all red
and a lump in her throat and a lump in her neck
She prayed to God - no thanked him! -
For this wasn't Aids! or Cancer!
...Thought she... it couldn't, was it?

After lots of needles and many a test,
This little girl was allowed to rest
Until doctor came in with her mum and her dad
And an expression as emotionless as it can get

He led her to a new ward with walls painted bright
And told her everything was going to be allright
- still with the emotionless expression on his face
But with as much gentleness as he could fake.

Cancer. Crying. Bald, and Ache.
Eye of toad and tongue of snake
Doctors, nurses. Sleep and wake.
Salt on wound. Poison (Chemo)
Shake.

But that story's old now
No one likes it anymore
5 years later I lay here
a shadow on the floor

And now's when I should thank him,
Now that "It's all gone"
But I guess one thank you is enough
for god's ironic plans.

Here lays another normal girl
With normal friends in a normal school
Not even close to happy is she
For no one understands.

I have a monster inside me
She makes me anxious and insecure
She wants to get better
But says theres no cure
She screams for attention
But shuts people out
Shes alone but she doesn’t want
To be out and about
She drives me crazy
Thinking thinking thinking
She makes me lazy
Replaces working with drinking
And I would be so better off
If she wasn’t around
I would thrive I would grow
All my thoughts would be sound

But I wouldn’t be a poet or a lover
I would miss the way she can feel someone’s pain
I would miss how excited she gets when it rains
I would miss how intense scary movies can get
I would miss how passionate she is about dance
Coz I cant ever feel the rhythm without her around
Without her I’m logic, I’m proper, I’m proud
She’s my monster, I love her,
When she’s happy she cries
She’s so cute when she’s dreaming
I’m glad we’re allies.

Passers by
We've barely scratched the surface
Dug deep into the ground
To find no water
No diamonds, just rock
A solid foundation surely
But this is not all I am
There is water there and I want you to see it
We've made ripples before but that's not enough
I want waves, tides and splashes
But all there is is rock
and death
and ashes.

I'm tired of boys
And how they like all the girls
And somehow you're never enough
How they still believe their instinct is an excuse
How they call themselves animals
Yet better than us
Yet they took over the world

I'm tired of girls
Who use their bodies to ******
Who don't care about relationships
Who continue the cycle of disrespect
While crying 'freedom'
Happy that all the boys are sharing their picture
Maybe that ONE guy they care about will care
Honey, he's looking at all the others

I'm tired of the world
And trying to hold a relationship
While the world tells him to find other women
It's only a picture
It's only ****
It's only an instagram girl
It's only VR
It's only a *******
For a bachelor party
It's only a massage

I'm tired of fighting uphill
into the wind
and the rain
and the fire
against the Devil

My life is going at 80 miles an hour,
My head is going at 100 miles an hour,
and my heart is stopped.
It has not worked in years;
I exist as a walking cliché- a suit of my profession;
I have not loved in years, I do not feel,
except for jealousy because the ******* the bus has prettier wrists than I do,
and shame because I let my boyfriend shout at me and said nothing;
and I feel lost because I made it
to where I wanted to be
ten years ago.

I shall write about November
I shall write the truth
The relative unspeaking truth that hides
Comes out, then hides again - of youth
Of the awaited doom: December
Of love and how it dies
Of you, your hug, my worried sick
Of hurt and how it cries
Of laughter, playing, foolin' round
Of that last whisper in the dark
Of how every bleak day I remember
Cold o cold November.

And now the world has sent me trouble
Magic potions, toil and trouble
And all I want’s to run to you-
To know you only want that too
And I could lose all my belongings
Could shrivel up into a song
If numbing myself’s all it takes
I would smile all along.

So please I say, I say again
This time permanently
Hoping my memory will allow-
Can i not end this poem right now?
Please will you hold me a little while longer?
Please just until I get a bit stronger
And never break your vow.

Listen to me while I talk to the moon
Look at me, I beg
With every added cry I die more still
Talk to me and do it soon
Tell me that I'm not the only one left here
Tell me that it's all in my head and I'm daft here
Shout scream and yell and then put me to bed
But for God's sake say something and silence my head
Just hold me and hug me and leave me to die,
I knew I would end this rhyme with a sigh,
Just hold me and hug me, just, please, I...

A mistake along the way,
Somewhere, lost at sea,
There are many men who thought they found it-
Fixed it - But none but he;

Could with a look that begs of honesty
Trust and love and shame,
Fix me up with butterfly stitches-
He was not the same;

But as he turned around to leave
His finger caught my stitch-
And oh!- how quick the blood gushed out
No time for just a twitch;

So here lies open and ashamed,
Here lies love so ****** stained,
Here lie lies that protect the heart
From protection, care and a new start;

Either that or it's delusion:
That may also be,
Is it denial or fate that rejects that
It's a big possibility?

That this is not a story
Of Love, a hero and a damsel in distress.
But this is just a story
Of Poems, a liar and a big fat mess.

As thoughts fog my brain like thick clouds in the sky,
I remember the night when I was still alive.
I remember the story - I know how it goes;
You stab me, you **** me, you take off my clothes.

You draw in your sword - you think I'm not looking;
I'm lost, right where you want me; I gave you permission
I remember the sound; the intake of breath,
With that push I collapse, in the mud, in the dirt.

I recall the scene with perfect precision,
You drew out your sword without losing my vision;
The blood came rushing out as did my cry of pain,
As I died in your arms I left my ****** stain.

My eyes watered up whilst you made sure I'm dead
Thought you were the hero, you're the villain instead.
Dead in the eyes, heart of stone, as you moan,
You've taken my life, now the ashes are blown.

You're gone now, heart breaker, you villain of love;
You're done with my body, hidden, dug and shoved.
But you can't **** me twice now, I'm back, I'm immortal-
You're away but I'll haunt you - this poem's our portal.

Have you ever not realised something about yourself,
until someone else pointed it out,
and then it's all you can see?
It used to happen all the time-
but back then he pointed out the bad,
so often and so forcefully
that the good started to slip away-
I could not see it anymore,
I could not feel it.
And then you came along,
and even though I thought there was nothing left-
you saw me.
And you not only saw me- you pointed it out.
You saw me before I saw myself.
You cleared my blur,
and now it's all I can see.
You raised me up only to where I was meant to be,
you never put me on a pedestal, you simply put me back,
to where my bar was set to be,
and taught me to stand there with pride.
And you might not think you're a hero,
but I think you have superpowers.

So here we are babe,
In the aftermath of infidelity
I’ve drawn up the list like you asked.

Yes it’s a long one,
I’m making demand after demand
And I’ll add more before you get to the last.

Let’s settle the score babe,
Just do one more thing for me,
They said trust can be restored like faith.

Jump through hoops for me babe,
I will keep adding more,
Watching you tire in this endless charade.

I need you to only want me
Even though I can’t stand myself
I demand you be loyal to me
While I compare you to someone else

And don’t tell me any white lie
Ignore the Everest I’ve hid from you
Make me the only object of your desire
I promise one day you’ll be mine too.

Here we are babe,
And I will keep making demands
Till you cannot meet them anymore.

And when fatigue gets the best of you babe,
I will blame you for making empty promises.

I will blame you for letting me down again
Like you did when she touched you
Like you did when you called.

I will smile that I was right to build a wall
And I will blame you for making me need proof-
Proof I'm enough.

And then I will tell you to go, babe,
And will I be asking too much
If my final demand is for you to return
Even though I don't want you?

And if you do hang around, babe,
Then will I be asking too much
If my final demand is for you to be certain
Of what I’m certainly not?

I used to hate-
How I stayed within the lines,
In the pictures I portrayed.
I used to hate-
How I thought once, twice, three times,
And still could not decide,
What I wanted to make.
I used to hate-
The bubble I was stuck in,
The structure I never punctured,
The rules in my head,
Like some wings I could not spread;

While I observed the beautiful swirling imperfect creations of my peers,
Who would draw on their Converse - add piercings to their ears;
Magical and free. I admired their creativity,
As I let the gas settle back in my shaken-up bottle,
Thinking will I eventually run out of throttle?
Grabbing moments of impulsivity, always followed by second, third and fourth thoughts -
Till they pass, and I'm back to my indecisive self.

But now I like my thought-out decisions,
I like the tasks I deem worthy to finish.
Not as free as my peers, and I still like their beauty-
But this world need us both: the fun and the duty.

I've lived half my life in my head
Playing out scenarios
While reality passes by
As a dull grey line
But I never wanted to draw outside the line.

Meticulously I stayed in
Chasing perfection;
Yet I always loved other people's drawings
Beautiful and creative,
Free and imperfect,
Brave and bold-
Whilst I drew the face in peach,
the lips in red,
the hair in brown.

The walls grow thicker
As does the air.
And the screams in my head grow louder
But I keep still in line.

Can you believe it? They were right.
It does get better.
But they left out an important detail-
It gets worse again.
It comes and goes in waves of terror and relief
And the broken you who survived on the promise
That it gets better
Has to ride through the waves, again and again.
I wonder what is easier
Sinking numbly, or struggling to float.

It's been five years
So why do I still wonder?
Why do I still stay up at night?
Why do I lie here and ponder
the possibility?
If it's been five years,
and you're happy now
and I am too, at least in some ways
So why do I still dream?
Is it obsession that draws me;
Is it the questions and what ifs;
Or is it more than honest motives?
Or is it just the aftermath of
How much you broke me
That it's been five years
Yet it still hurts.