-Could I, should I? I won't, defiantly not.
-I'm missing something, probably missing that one person but no defiantly not.
-I need a cigarette, lots of cigarettes.
-it's too cold, it feels nice.
-Fuckfuckfuck
-I'm not lost, I'm home. You're home. We're home, I think.. We'll reach there.
-Don't try, it's not worth the effort.
-it's not your fault, it mostly is but at least not completely. Please believe that.
-You look crazy, take a sip of something.
-Wasted youth? Blekh
-Do you believe that we have our own scents? Just like flowers, and just like flowers I want a pretty color to be. I think I hate flowers sometimes, only a bit. No I don't hate flowers, I like them more than humans so yeah, no. I like flowers, I love orchids.
-Think, think, think of the happiest things it's the same as having wings. Not quite.
-What you fear is probably what you're going to lose, fear that. Fear less, fearless.
-don't talk, it'll come out as nonsense and just be annoying noise to them.
-don't, don't go there. Oh ****.
Okay.

I am a failure.
Yes, I understand this.
Thank you
For reminding me though
I really needed that.

I know I am clumsy,
I know I talk funny,
I know all this.
No need to remind me.

I know I am worthless
I know I am hopeless
I already tell myself this
No need for you to also

Yes,
I know I am a failure.
I know this
I know this
I know this

Please though,
Do not remind me,
Let me talk to people,
And not feel guilty
Once in awhile

I know I am a failure,
Now do me a favor,
And quit reminding me

Do not be mistaken,
I understand
All too well
How blessed I am.

I have a house,
Food,
Family,
And friends.

I live among trees,
And I still get to be a child
Occasionally

My friends
Give encouragement
When I need it,
So pretty much all the time
And will
Talk with me
If I can't sleep

I can post on this site
And not be laughed at,
A nice respite

I am smart,
At least I work hard
Anyway

My parents love me,
Even if they don't understand me,
Which is more than some can say

So for all this,
And many things more
I am forever grateful

*Thank you

Lungs filled with blue smoke, eyes filled with tears, hands trembling, soul filled with fear and worry, if you can see me now, I am sorry for disappointing you, but there is no one to guide me through the right path anymore, and you were wrong, I am not smart enough to walk alone. I am sorry for getting used to all the infinite love, I don't even know what that means anymore, I am ruining myself with my bare hands and you're not here to stop me, please come back and stop me, guide me, teach me more, advise me, love me, talk to me just come back and talk to me, I'll listen, I swear to God I will, I just need to hear your calming voice as a reminder, visit me in my dreams, I started believing in signs now so please give me s ******* sign God ******. I'm sorry, I'm just filled with anger all the time for some reason. I've been looking for you in people, I think the whole family is, your brother is putting so much effort into it it's driving him crazy, your mother misses you and we're all trying to be there for her, she's a mess, mom is being strong about this and I have no idea how she's doing it, your daughters, us we're all ****** up. I think we need you more than ever, send us signs so we'd stop recking ourselves. We miss you and your memory is haunting us. Remember when I told you about how hope can ruin a man? how it's so dangerous and you wouldn't believe me and you thought I was being childish about it like everything else? well look at me now, I'm going crazy hoping endlessly, I hope we'll get to see you in another life, I hope I'll have the chance to make it up to you, I hope I'll get to tell you I love you and hug you all the time and make you a nice cup of tea while sharing all the things you've missed, I hope you'd be smiling and not filled with disappointment, I hope we'll get to talk more about our music, I'm listening to The Beatles while writing this, yes I'm still your Beatles Girl, and I hope to share my poetry with you like you hoped but I never did. I would now, I'll read you each and every one of them, I'll keep no more secrets, I'll carry your love around like a mother carrying her first child for the first time and brag about it and how beautiful it is, I just ******* miss you. You visited me in my dreams, I started crying in the dream and mumbling: "You are my happiest thought and my saddest thought, all at once" over and over again. I've met a lot of people, I know you wouldn't like most of them but there's one person that I'd **** for you to meet, I'm drowning in this person, it's consuming me in every way possible, give me limits. I hope I'll get to tell you all about it. In another life. In another life. In another life. God help me, God may you rest in peace. God, I miss you. I'm sorry for swearing, you used to swear a lot, if you thought no one was listening when you I did, I always did. Okay, I know that doesn't give me the right but I'm taking advantage of you not being around as well, I'm sorry about that too.
Goodbye? I don't believe so. Not just yet.