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Feb 25 · 32
Grey Feb 25
Chaotic and violent thrashing of thunder and cracks of lightning
A tortured soul and a burdened mind.
Within a life that seemed destined to be nothing more than bleak and surviving alone,
There she was.
The one who heart and soul I was meant to find.
Her kind and gentle soul filled with love and compassion,
Someone who has seen and lived through pain and suffering yet,
Her smile beams and radiates joy throughout a room.
The smell of her hair and her touch ever so loving.
To a young man who’s stated never again to love,
How could someone so beautiful and so perfect love someone like him?
His dark past, the nights filled with torment and though she’s seen his darkest moments…
She loves with her all and day by day she is teaching him to know the truest love,
How to give and how to receive.
It’s okay not to be okay.
To be open and never have to worry about feeling alone.
Her hand in mine,
The promise of never again will we have to suffer another heartbreak (other than who ate the last bite on the plate)
Truly love is a wonderful and beautiful thing,
To find in a vane way of saying perfection when there is no such thing,
Here she is.
My beautiful wife,
Love of my life.
The one I adore and hope each day I’m becoming a better man for.
Truly I love you and have searched for you.
Forever and Always, Always and Forever.
Across the galaxies and across the pages of time I will always love you.
Aug 2023 · 223
Grey Aug 2023
I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will
Aug 2023 · 593
Grey Aug 2023
I love And will lose.
To the end of an era,
She’ll be clinging to the past,
When the world revolves
Aug 2023 · 60
Grey Aug 2023
Two worlds, separate expectations.
Two soul, separate by idealizations.
One chooses family, the other isolation.
One hindered by idealism, the other by pragmatism.
Have I truly lost the one?
Is this the curse of the the ******* son?
Mar 2023 · 88
Grey Mar 2023
Truly I believed I knew hate…
I knew the purest feeling of rage,
The raw untamed feeling of anger…
This is different.
I’ll burn the world down.
Mar 2023 · 91
Grey Mar 2023
Demons from the past have come to haunt me.
Her cries seemed sincere.
Her voice was broken.
The mere utterance of I love you was true.
The girl id played in the summer suns for hours,
Mud pies, digging canals and eating snow cones with…
Her voice was shaky.
It was full of truth that I didn’t hear…
Full of love I dare not accept..
She was running.
Like I did.
Running only I had escaped and she never did…
The girl with the brightest smile dimmed by a father who never knew love only showed discipline in his words.
A family that lasted generations,
Now ends…
Not with me.
With the brightest star in all of heaven.
The woman who found her courage…
The woman I turned my back on while I chased a life we both longed for…
My dear beloved sister you won’t be forgotten…
I’ll forget many throughout my life but only you will remain in my heart…
I hated you even resented you…
Now I only wish to feel your hugs once again.
Those hugs full of love that I never had yet now I know you loved me.
You protected me as best as you could…
I’ll hate them forever for what they’ve done to you…
Our lives have always been secretive and silent..
Yet even now with you gone…
I feel an emptiness I’ve never known…
I curse this cruel world.
Were there actual people who cared then maybe you’d still be here..
A pipe dream because the truth is there is no such thing…
The good ones die,
The rotten get to live
Jan 2023 · 354
Grey Jan 2023
I found beauty in the darkness.
Most fear there unknown,
Many avoid the possibility and uniqueness.
There is beauty within the darkest parts of one’s soul.
The purity of it.
Which is where I learned never to judge one based on their past.
Dec 2022 · 72
Grey Dec 2022
Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.
Dec 2022 · 92
Grey Dec 2022
Another year coming to a close,
The truth standing in front of me.
I enjoy the pain and the hurt,
I don’t like hurting people.
I surround myself with those with the worst intentions,
The pain keeps me blurred and moving.
How incredibly pathetic of me,
Yet I now know this is my life and how it was destined to be.
Sep 2022 · 238
Grey Sep 2022
If it is was a lie,
If I was deceitful.
I wouldn’t be here:
Trying every time hoping that you’d see.
It’s you.
Sep 2022 · 55
Grey Sep 2022
I’ve not slept for a week,
The pain is excruciating.
It’s all a blur now,
Every blink remains fuzzy.
Any attempt to sleep is met by haunting nightmares that violently clash with reality.
The pain comes in waves and heartbeat pounds echoing in my head.
Everyone laughed when I would say eventually I’d be hurt beyond repair,
From broken ribs, to the broken bone in my hand.
The cracked hip,
The sternum that sharp stabbing pain.
Now I suffer the truth I begged them all to see.
I begged for peace in my life before it got to this point.
They’ve all promised peace and happiness yet I am always met with violence and chaos.
I have no room left for anyone,
Pain is now my only friend.
Yet I still smile for the world to see so I do not have to bear others pity.
I suffer in the silence,
So others will never notice a thing.
Even she promised that she loved me,
The first person I ever believed.
She left all the same.
The girl with golden pocket brown eyes that I trusted wholeheartedly.
She would probably be happy that I live this way now.
She seemed to love others pain.
Least I could I do this to make her happy one more time.
Sep 2022 · 414
Grey Sep 2022
The world and everyone won.
I’ve lost everything and everyone.
I lost myself in the process and now I am left to rebuild from the nothingness once again.
Turns out doing the right thing leaves you empty with no one and nothing.
Yet I find the beauty in being alone.
No pressure or no one to tell you that you’re not good enough.
Sep 2022 · 248
Grey Sep 2022
I’m not giving up on you,
How could I?
I made a promise.
Aug 2022 · 54
Grey Aug 2022
I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.
Aug 2022 · 59
Grey Aug 2022
Even admits the horror of that room,
She stayed.
She held onto me as long as she could before I needed to head to the emergency room.
Even now she wonders everyday asking how I am.
How could someone so beautiful be with me?
It never ceases to amaze of how much she’s lost yet she always has the biggest and brightest smile.
Holding her as her arms wrapped around my chest is the most safe place for both us.
Laughing over who gets the last chicken strip or watching the Office.
Listening to the sound of a thunderstorm and showing her there’s beauty in the storm and her teaching me that there’s also danger.
She’s my other half,
The one I was searching for.
She’s the reason I found that all the love stories and poems, books, songs, movies, shows.
All was written for.
Her family is open and kind.
Her hugs are warm yet she always says she’s cold
Which she did just tell me today that she loves my hugs that why she always says she’s cold haha
Aug 2022 · 44
Grey Aug 2022
Death was comforting,
It was silent, still & peaceful.
Then I heard the rumbling, the cracking.
It was the first time I saw the thunderclouds roaring their tremendous roar.
The lightning piercing the sky and the hill.
I heard “not yet”
That’s when I felt the air in my lungs again,
She was still ontop of me punching with all of her might,
Choking me once again.
Smile on her face.
I used whatever I had left to push her off me,
I pushed her back so she was standing and I could finally stand up.
I knew my family was right outside that hotel room door and I couldn’t see out of my right eye but I opened the door. They walked in looks of horror as they saw my bloodied beaten face.
I turned back and there she was sitting as if nothing happened.
The irony of all this is that I never hit her once.
I didn’t want to hurt her,
Regardless of me not fighting back,
She enjoyed it.
Aug 2022 · 69
The Painter & The Poet
Grey Aug 2022
Seeing her with her paintbrush,
The small details she focuses on.
The little eyebrow scrunch and deep breathes.
Then calm & serenity.
Every line with new colors blending and becoming something only she could’ve seen.
She brings it to life,
The little smile when she notices I’m in awe of her.
Etching the wonders of her mind,
Coffee break as she asks for a poem.
I didn’t realize she would paint it out,
And that’s how the poet fell for the painter.
Aug 2022 · 60
Grey Aug 2022
Thunder cracks & rumbles
The lightning flashes like the sun.
Most run & hide in fear,
Yet some smile & bask in awe as nature cries.
Happiness or anger,
The storm brews.
She says I dance in the midst of the rumbling.
I dance with the lightning as my tempo,
The thunder as the bass.
She sees that my name was given because I was born and named for the thunderstorm.
She’s the first to say what my ancestors and family have known.
Jul 2022 · 73
Grey Jul 2022
I could never hate you,
You were the brightest light of my life.
The girl I wanted to marry and wake up next to every morning.
The girl id hoped was to be the mother of our children.
The girl I loved more than anything,
The girl who’s father I promised to always take care of.
You’re also the girl who hurt me the most,
And I needed that.
I needed to be broken and destroyed to my core,
If it wasn’t for everything I wouldn’t have grown up.
I wouldn’t have become who I am now and will be.
Again I could never hate you only smile when you come into my life even if it’s only to leave again.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
My promise stays true,
And if you aren’t the one then I know the one will never misunderstand that I am going to keep my word till the day I die.
I truly just want to live and be happy.
Goof around and watch my shows,
Go to work and accomplish wonders.
I suppose time always does tell.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
Jul 2022 · 59
Grey Jul 2022
She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.
Jul 2022 · 77
Grey Jul 2022
Binge watching Stranger Things,
Her favorite show.
Come to find out 80s show that I stayed away from for god knows why.
Something about her,
Breath of fresh air.
Before I clock into work she tells me to be safe & she’ll be up at 3 am when I get off from work.
Just like clock work she’s up and sends a video of her with the biggest smile because I sent her videos and pictures of what I’m working on that night.
I get home and right away snacks and stranger things.
Sometimes we cook dinner well early breakfast.
I find a record for us to listen to, it’s just us for those early morning hours.
Sleep has never felt so amazing before in my life.
I’ve loved you forever
And forever will I always love you
Jul 2022 · 205
Grey Jul 2022
We cling to what we know.
The anger,
Everything we’re taught yet….
Peace regardless of the agony.
Love within the anger.
Calm within the chaos:
The dragon who within the fire & flame,
She was and will be, the dragon.
Jul 2022 · 67
Grey Jul 2022
After everything I’ve been through,
Coming to the conclusion that I will never trust or love anyone again.
There she is,
And without hesitation I fell
Jul 2022 · 286
Grey Jul 2022
It was the first hug,
We always talked about how nervous and shy we’d be.
Yet that first hug,
The second we saw each other you ran,
I scooped you up in my arms and that was the best and warmest embrace.
You asked when did I know it was always supposed to be you I said my heart was yours that moment.
Day by day since then it’s grown more and more.
My love for you has deepened,
Forever will I love you.
Jul 2022 · 53
Grey Jul 2022
They say a man is the most dangerous man when he’s lost all he’s ever loved.
This is true,
What I’ve come to learn is that a man is more protective of what he’s found after he’s lost it all and somehow or someway,
He was blessed to find a woman who loves him flaws and all.
Who he’ll build a house for, and yet she makes it a home.
Who blesses him the most beautiful gift of all,
With little hands and little feet that will grow to hands that will endure.
With laughter and smiles that he can’t help but smile when those pop in his head when he’s at lowest.
The reason he always kept on going and found a way to make it through any and all hardships he faced alone.
Now he must face a new season of living,
Be a better man each day.
Be a better father each day.
And never give up.
If he ever falters, she’s there and never gives up on him.
This is the love and the hope he held onto through many broken nights,
Many times he prayed for the right moment, the right woman, the right time.
Nevertheless, every single time he can’t help but feel pride and joy.
This is it,
She’s the one.
Always has been and Always will be.
Jul 2022 · 72
Grey Jul 2022
She stays awake to make sure I get home safely.
We tease each other and have been talking almost nonstop every day.
Her smile is warm and she isn’t scared to be a little goofy.
Honestly I’m glad I didn’t just jump into a relationship,
Because I can’t imagine ever hurting her.
I use to be a really immature guy but with her I can’t imagine ever being like that.
She inspires me,
To be better to grow.
To be the better man than I know I can be,
And to give her the world.
She deserves it,
And I’ll find the way to make it happen
Jul 2022 · 48
You’re Welcome
Grey Jul 2022
I would like to start off with you’re welcome.
For being the first boy she lied to,
For being the one she was able to break down completely,
For being the one she was to destroy mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
For being the one that she needed to break so she could learn what love actually is.
For being the one who showed her that it’s possible to love someone that evil and never judge them.
For being the one who forgave her every time she found a new way to torment.
For being the one she used all of her toxic behaviors on.
For being the one who’s heart was tried & tested yet always find a way to still love her.
So of course when you hurt her, it pains me.
Because you got it easy.
You didn’t get the endless nights of drunken rage,
The lies.
The running around with people she said I could trust,
They ended up being the least trustworthy.
The endless insults.
The twisting of words,
The manipulation.
You’re welcome that all you had to do was be the one she could trust but turns out you two are just the same.
You’re welcome,
For being as toxic as she is.
Now the both of you can ruin each other’s lives while I still somehow get the drunken phone calls and crying.
Welcome to hell I tried to warn you
Jul 2022 · 65
Grey Jul 2022
I hate it when life is going in the right direction,
Then you come back in some how.
It’s almost as if you enjoy derailing peoples lives.
I hate thinking that you would be capable of that.
This time is different,
I look at you and there’s almost nothing left.
Just the feeling of disappointment.
You use me when you’ve put yourself in that dark hole.
Once I show the love you deserve and could have,
You run back to the very thing that hurt you more than I ever could.
That’s when I realized you don’t want love,
Your own words as if you were speaking to a mirrored image of yourself;
“You just love the idea of love.”
Also how you twist things or assume them, then tell me how I do that.
Maybe I do, yet it’s ironic because I’m the sober one.
So this time,
You say this is the last straw, yet you always say that.
The cycle continues with you,
I won’t be a part of it any longer.
To quote my favorite line,
“I’m not going to stop the wheel, I’m going to break the wheel.”
You don’t get to win.
I will keep working, growing and becoming the best I can be.
The problem isn’t me, if it was then my life would be terrible everyday.
Yet it only goes south the second you come back into it.
So no more.
And when the day comes and you’re struggling again you’ll see me but you won’t know who I am.
Then again you never did.
I will build my life,
You’ll be lucky enough to see what you could’ve had.
What I wanted to build with you,
But that all went the window the second you slept with him out of spite.
The woman I choose isn’t a girl who plays games with peoples heads.
She loves with her whole heart,
Smiles the biggest smile.
Laughs like there’s no tomorrow.
I lost her twice because of you coming back into my life,
And I ran to help you everytime.
She understood even though I never could if that was me.
Now it’s her.
Because it should’ve been from the beginning.
Jul 2022 · 80
Growing Pains
Grey Jul 2022
I sent messages.
Some I couldn’t take back,
Yet the other i unsent.
Partials of my heart;
The deepest truest parts scattered across the winds.
Now the last remnants of a wholehearted loving boy,
Truly now I am empty.
I have no more.
I am truly hollow.
I am what remains.
Jun 2022 · 55
Grey Jun 2022
Suddenly breathing is harder, abrupt inhales and sharp exhales.
Stomach tightens and jaw clenched.
Whatever you do…
Whether the reaction is positive or negative, it’s all perceived as negative in everyone’s eyes.
You can’t **** up.
You came too far to lose it all by showing what you’re feeling.
Don’t cry
Don’t get angry
Don’t let it hurt
Don’t smile
Don’t scream
Don’t laugh
Don’t Do Anything.
You know that whatever you do it all falls back on you.
The shaking and twitching starts because you’re muscles have been tight for too long.
Just keep a blank face.
It’s okay.
You didn’t do anything wrong…
It was out of your control…
Even standing in the shower away from everyone, tears build up but they can’t come out.
That’s when I realized it’s fear…
Fear of losing everything I’ve worked for.
Fear of not being good enough.
Oh that repetitive thought.
The whole car ride home was intense,
Hearing all the bills piling up, the persistent reminder that I have to save my money but somehow pay all the bills.
I just needed my phone service turned on and listen to music, even that I couldn’t do.
This whole night one thing after another,
I will say I am proud that regardless I somehow have gotten through it.
Now I’m hoping that she reads the message about how my phone service wasn’t on…
Either way…
Just can’t show it.
So I lay here body twitching under the stress.
Knowing that in just a few hours,
It all starts again.
Hopefully it’ll be an easier day.
Just need to get to the weekend.
Jun 2022 · 85
Grey Jun 2022
The blurred line we cross when you are too drunk no one seems to be able to stand you.
You call sobbing, yelling, angry, sad, hurt or broken.
For that night you’re completely happy with me.
I’m your favorite person, you even talk about being together again.
We laugh, talk and jump on apex.
Watch a movie till you go to sleep.
The morning after,
You’re cold.
Suddenly I’m the devil in your eye.
All the problems in the world are somehow my fault.
But how could they be?
You state everytime that you have your own life,
Therefore shouldn’t the problems you bear be of your own making?
You take advantage of people because it seems that you cannot take responsibility for the hurt you cause yourself.
I promised I’d always be here, and yet lately it’s been taking a bigger toll on me.
One day you’re proud of me,
You want to be together again.
You talk of our future and I catch you smiling at me with love in your eyes.
Then I’m not the one for you.
You love me
Then you say you hate me.
You promise to stay again,
Only to leave in the harshest way than you left the other times.
If only you knew how it would be so much better if you’d stay,
And now I’m realizing that if you do.
You’ll always leave and run to the next person who’s only there to use you.
Then you’ll come back when they hurt you again and again and again.
I hope one day you grow up,
I hope one day you’ll see.
And I’ll be there.
Right now it hurts yet I will still be here,
Because that’s you do for someone you love.
Hope and pray that will grow,
That one day hopefully they will see what you’ve always seen in them.
And hope that they choose you too.
Jun 2022 · 120
Life of a NeuroDivergent
Grey Jun 2022
Once again the pressure is on.
I know I can succeed in anything I set my mind to,
I also know that I will eventually hurt myself.
My main worry is that
Everyone expects me to be this great person or to do amazing things.
What hurts is that I just wanted to be happy,
Or able to be me. To be free without judgement of how I like building Lego’s or thinking I can do karate in Walmart but really I’m having fun.
For once I would like to not be ridiculed.
Or have high expectations set for me.
It’s exhausting.
High expectations are a challenge for me,
Challenges I find easy.
Eventually leading to burnout.
Then all of sudden I’m just a lazy ***.
There really is no pleasing anyone.
Only if I work myself to death exceeding any and all expectations.
Only if I push myself way beyond the normal persons breaking point and I just smile while I’m dead and rotting inside.
Sleep is fine,
Dreams are annoying.
Sleep is nice because I don’t have to hear the daily expectations.
I don’t have to mask my energy and act normal like everyone else.
Eventually I know I will break.
I just hope everyone sees that this is what happens when you expect the most from the one who will do it without hesitation.
It’s almost cruel yet they will never know because if they did then they would feel bad.
And that’s annoying.
I hate being blamed when all the signs where there,
They just can’t see them and choose to ignore the smallest ones they can see.
It’s a blessing and curse,
Being NeuroDivergent.
It’s something no one seems to understand,
I truly am…
Jun 2022 · 65
Grey Jun 2022
Well I suppose I did grow up,
I grew cold.
And yet some wonder why still.
Look in the mirror,
I was left to face my battles alone.
I then grew comfortable choosing to fight some alone.
Now sometimes I find myself wondering if growing cold was worth it.
I still give chances,
When those run out I respond in annoyance or brutal honesty.
Once again villain in my former friends stories.
Past loves find me callous at times.
And all I can do is sigh heavily, smoke a cigarette and move forward.
Jun 2022 · 60
Grey Jun 2022
To many that have known me before will only ever see me as the boy I was.
Young, insecure & stupid.
Immature, childish & reckless.
Today no one knows me,
No one took the time to really see who I am or who I’ve become.
I am what they all made me bit by bit.
That young carefree & selfless boy went through hell alone,
They all played their parts in killing that boy.
One by one.
Of course they all said the same things,
You’re amazing you’ll do great things, I love you, I’ll never leave you, I won’t do anything to hurt you.
Those promises lasted about a day for some.
I like to think sometimes that they wonder how I turned out.
Then I remember they never cared so why should I?
I’ve become the ghost I never wanted to be,
But I had to become.
Now no one will ever know who I am.
Being alone, it’s better
It’s safer.
Jun 2022 · 65
Grey Jun 2022
In the End,
Becoming a ghost,
Focusing on myself rather than pleasing everyone.
Truly was the right decision.
The liars exposed, selfish were knocked of their high horses.
All masks one by one all removed.
In the End,
I’m growing, healing, hard working.
All the hard work is paying off.
If only they would’ve just believed in me like I  believed in them.
May 2022 · 77
Grey May 2022
How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way
May 2022 · 88
Grey May 2022
It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.
Apr 2022 · 64
Grey Apr 2022
She always wondering if I was just trying to be her friend because I wanted to get back together with her,
Actually they all thought that.
The truth was I felt bad for her,
When she’d call drunk as hell after they argued.
After she would tell him that she loved me and worse.
The truth is how could I ever be with someone who made me feel horrible about myself everyday.
Who always thought everything I do is never enough,
With someone who’s draining,
Mentally physically and emotionally.
Who’s very existence is selfish because no matter what you do for that person they will always find fault with you.
How could I be with someone like that?
Someone who said they loved me, lying through their smile.
Who said they’d always support me or how much they care.
When really it was only if it was convenient for them.
That happened to be never,
I was never important enough or good enough.
When in reality I was the one who didn’t deserve any of it.
Apr 2022 · 49
Grey Apr 2022
Now that this new step in life is taking hold,
Now everyone will wish they’d treated me better.
They’ll regret what they’ve done.
It’s ironic because they’re the same people I gave up everything for,
Yet now I’m finally choosing to become more.
To prove to myself and all of them that I deserve so much more than they could ever give.
And that I didn’t deserve to be hurt or broken by them.
Apr 2022 · 58
Grey Apr 2022
Eventually it always comes down to the same question.
Hold onto hope that everything we’ve been through will be a part of the journey, & that one day it will all be worth it. To not give up on her, but to give her time. Love her with all my heart and wait. Because one day she’ll see it, that one day we’ll both be old enough finally.
Or let go.
Give up on the one person I saw more than could ever imagine, let her go because getting hurt repeatedly by her is just too much. To accept that she will never love as much as I loved her. She doesn’t understand what kind of love that is, how could she? She’s never been at that low point where you meet that one person who inspires you to be more, to be better. To accept that she’d rather stay in her own ways, that she will always lie when she says she cares for me and loves me. Because if she did, she would’ve tried. No lies, no cheating.
So what’s it going to be?
Hold on through the storm?
Or let go?
Apr 2022 · 50
Grey Apr 2022
There are days where I wish that I hadn’t gotten out of that vehicle that burned & the flames roared.
I should’ve stayed in that seat,
Life wouldve went on for a lot of people.
I’d fade away from memory and existence.
No one would care to even remember why should they?
If I had accepted that it was the end of all things for me,
I’d be at peace now.
Not this hollow shell of whoever I thought I was before.
Terrified of the world
Pressured now to enjoy the life I have.
That’s the problem,
I can’t because there never was any reason to enjoy it before and maybe I had cheated death.
Maybe I was supposed to go.
Next time I wont try to intervene,
Next time I will go gladly
Apr 2022 · 68
Grey Apr 2022
Tonight the dream was me back home,
Visiting my uncles grave.
And you were there with me.
We were happy & somehow it all worked out.
Apr 2022 · 65
Grey Apr 2022
The first dream was the snake,
Then it was the lions in a den.
Next it was you asking me to come down to las cruces again,
You wanted to move away with me.
The plan was we’d move to North Dakota or Minnesota.
Montana was a possibility.
Either way I was to come get you,
So I did.
Everything was going good until he showed up and started arguing.
I kept packing your things and you tried to tell him to leave.
He tried to **** you, lunging at you with that knife.
Instead he had to fight me,
Even though he had stabbed me three times I hit him as hard as I could.
I could’ve killed him, punch after punch.
He was unrecognizable,
Then out of no where a girl plunged the knife in my back.
It was the girl he cheated on you with.
You hated her and knowing she did that, you saw red.
It didn’t take much for you to end things for her.
In the dream I feel like I’m dying but I don’t.
I wake up.
These dreams don’t seem to stop every night it’s a new one
I don’t know.
They terrify me with how clear & precise they are.
Somethings going to happen,
I tried to tell you but as usual you don’t want to listen to anyone but yourself.
So I wait.
Apr 2022 · 47
Last & Low
Grey Apr 2022
I know my place,
Low & Last.
Last resort after there’s no one else to be there.
Yet even though I know my place I still get so excited to be around you.
Then it hurts again because I remember it won’t last long,
There’s always someone or something who will always be better than me.
It’s not pity I want or wish for,
Honestly I want to dull myself, dull that excitement.
Yes I know I am Last & Low.
Apr 2022 · 63
Grey Apr 2022
I forgive you…
It’s hurt so long, kept me awake for many nights.
This is not just meant for one person but all of those that I’ve held so much anger against for hurting me.
I forgive you,
I can’t be angry anymore I can’t hate anymore.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, maybe one day we can be friends again.
All I know is that right now I forgive you and I hold nothing against you,
And if by chance you think of reaching out one day don’t be scared to,
I won’t turn you away instead I will be nothing but happy and glad that you did.
Until then or we never meet again,
I hope and pray all you’ve wished for and work for pays off.
I hope your dreams come true and your life is full of abundances beyond your measure.
I hope that you find the peace you’ve been searching for, I pray that your nights are no longer haunted by nightmares.
I hope one day you can forgive me too, for any and all I’ve ever done to hurt you.
There’s nothing I can say more than I am sorry for ever hurting you,
Maybe that was the reason I was hurt too.
I don’t really know,
Stay safe.
I love you, always will.
Apr 2022 · 89
Grey Apr 2022
I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.
Apr 2022 · 59
Grey Apr 2022
Todays the day everyone decided to have their mental breakdowns.
My mother trashed the house,
My ex blames me for messaging her off random numbers & lost her cat.
My former best friend could be headed to the mental hospital.
Another family member is in the psych ward,
My father nearly wrecked my truck.
My neighbors argued and the result was a busted windshield.
My aunt is filing for divorce after her meltdown.
And ironically I woke up thinking today would be a good day.
All these people have something in common that I find a little funny,
They’ve all told me the same thing.
That when I broke down or when I was hurting I was just being dramatic or they ignored me.
Belittled me, used my past against me, completely degraded me for breaking down.
Or laughed when I cried, smiled when I would say that I couldn’t do it anymore.
And most of them were practically begging for comfort yet I have none to give.
And I warned them all the same,
That I felt it depleting more and more.
So now it’s my turn to laugh and smile.
Enjoy the villain you created
While I enjoy your pain as you’ve enjoyed mine
Apr 2022 · 47
Grey Apr 2022
It’s ironic,
The gift Ive been told I have.
The quote is that everyone wears a mask to hide their true colors,
Throughout my life I’ve been known to be the cause of people showing their true colors.
I always thought this was a dark gift, I don’t like losing people.
Growing up I never understood why & now I’m older I see the benefit of it.
The thing is I don’t do anything, I am comfortable in myself and that makes people uncomfortable.
I speak my mind and say what I feel knowing fully well I can be rejected for anything.
Granted I know my limits, the irony is I try to be as honest as I can be.
And voila, it never fails.
They all blame me for their own reasons,
I laugh because they dig their own graves.
I observe and I try not to forget important things because a lie is easy to catch.
And when you catch them in that lie, they all react the same.
The denial, the anger, the need to play victim to everyone else.
Then comes the silence, and then ego steps in because of how insecure they really are.
It’s a dangerous gift I always thought,
Mainly because I know people do get hurt, people I care about.
In the end I am blamed, unlike them I try not to bring up their past mistakes as they do to me.
As they scratch & claw for anything to turn it around on me.
It hurts still yet I can’t just react that’s never a good thing, but there were times I really wanted to.
Apr 2022 · 47
Grey Apr 2022
Two completely different individuals who are destined to destroy in one way or another.
A dangerous union,
Many have warned about the coming calamity.
One will have praises & the love of many.
The other will have been broken & battered.
One has the heart of a lion yet piously flawed.
The other who’s lived a life as all lone wolves do, hanging on.
A reminder of characters from the tale of Fire & Ice.
One lives their life as if nothing happened,
After they’ve betrayed, lied, laughed & poetically killed the other.
Broke their spirit & destroyed what soul they had left.
In the end the pious lion always goes on & tells the tale of how they were always innocent.
Stalking their next prey,
Yet somehow their forked silver tongue always let’s them get away.
A long list of now broken naive people,
A pile of broken hearts & shattered dreams.
All for one’s ego.
Little did they know that maybe just one would be their greatest mistake.
That one person becomes the monster of their own design,
Now truly there is one who became more than just prey.
Apr 2022 · 69
Grey Apr 2022
It hurt seeing your face…
Hearing your laugh…
Knowing that I know I hurt you many times, choosing someone else who doesn’t even know what it means to truly care for someone.
The distance I’ve put between us is because I know I keep hurting you.
You try,
To explain how it’d better to be in each other’s lives.
Yet I can’t.
I’ve done too much hurt to you and it usually doesn’t work.
Maybe one day I don’t know.
I do know that I love you,
I always have.
Yet the universe always has the best timing.
You’ll always be the bestest friend, the girl I fell in love with.
The girl that no one can compare to.
And also the one I don’t deserve.
I hope you find the man who will not just take care of you but will see you as I always have,
Not a broken girl with a torn up past but someone who’s heart is on her sleeve and so much more.
Our families don’t even understand why I can’t be with you, all I can do is hope one day they do
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