I’m exhausted.
The bitter truth is everything I had ever worked for,
Struggled for,
A great job and amazing work experience,
3 vehicles, one I got for my parents 2 I bought for me.
My parents house paid off, an apartment for me and my best friend.
A bond with my family, amazing people in my life.
All home in some way shape or form because of my one decision to love someone who never understood the value of it all.
The hard work it took.
And now even though at times I hate myself for my decision.
I know I can come back stronger.
Even now I have been given the opportunity to reconnect with my family.
And I love them with all my heart and soul.
The decision I made to love someone who was comfortable with telling me to leave my family behind haunts me,
Yet I know I am loved.
And now there is no way to go but up.
With my best friend who’s the most amazing beautiful strong woman by my side,
My two dogs who are the best dogs I swear.
My family who I now know will never turn their backs on me.
Together anything is possible.

I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

Thunder cracks & rumbles
The lightning flashes like the sun.
Most run & hide in fear,
Yet some smile & bask in awe as nature cries.
Happiness or anger,
The storm brews.
She says I dance in the midst of the rumbling.
I dance with the lightning as my tempo,
The thunder as the bass.
She sees that my name was given because I was born and named for the thunderstorm.
She’s the first to say what my ancestors and family have known.

“Who hurt you?”
She asked softly in the dim lit room.
-
“Her among many others, many whom came in the form of love, comfort, safety or the promise of happiness.”
He said while his mind wandered into the dark corners
“She became the best and the worst all so quickly, and I was foolish enough to believe her words of love and kindness for actions do indeed speak louder than words. History repeats and eventually we’re  all pawns in her game.”

Life is full of triggers.
Everyday I get sent back to the fire.
Everyday at some point I am back in the fight or flight mode.
Life is dangerous.
Love is dangerous.
Yet I also remember that I started moving when I could’ve stayed frozen in that moment.
I could’ve stayed still and prayed someone else would’ve helped me.
Instead I chose to move, I chose to find a way out.
I chose to pull myself and her out.
I chose to keep going.
Even when everything started to hurt physically, emotionally, mentally.
When the adrenaline started to wear off on that hospital bed and all I could hear was the echoing roaring flames and popping, the explosions.
And the beeping of the heart monitor skyrocketing.
The moment I saw my sister and the look on her face, I collapsed into her arms and she held me.
I broke down like never before,
In that moment I was vulnerable.
Exposed.
Yet all I felt was love and comfort.
Even to this day I call or my sister checks in and I know there’s a reason I moved.
There’s a reason every single doctor, police officer and firefighter kept telling me over and over that I did something.
I saved someone.
I moved quick and I did everything right.
My aunt telling me that she can’t wait to see how I use my “gift” for something good and great.
How everyone always told me before that my ADHD was something annoying or bad or that I will always be a bother.
I learned that it’s helpful.
I processed everything in my head,
Staying in that van and hoping someone else gets us,
Staying and just accepting that this is it.
Or moving.
“Gotta move. Gotta get us out. We gotta go home. How do we get home.”
In the end,
It was terrifying, it still haunts me.
The pictures and videos are nothing compared to how it was.
They don’t show exactly what it was.
The reality was so much worse.

I pushed her as far away as I could.

We game
We laugh
We joke & even cry.
Always goofy friends with endless hours talking away and laughing even if the video game frustrates us..
Yet suddenly one day i noticed the change in your voice, it was more nervous high pitched.
We started talking about relationships,
Now we FaceTime before going to bed,
Talking about the what ifs.
We look out for each other,
Noticing when somethings wrong…
I think that maybe this time…
I hope this time,
The universe answered my prayers,
And she’s the one.
Of course we are both worried about the what if we break up and it’s hard to be friends again…
That worry comes to mind yet here she is…
Telling me it’s going to be okay, she’s got my back like I have hers.
Now it’s the plane ride over and she’s in my arms
Gently stroking her hair and she snuggles closer to me,
Safety.
The one thing we’ve both longed for.
She sets up her PS4 and we game till we want to watch a movie.
“It’s going to be okay, even if it’s a lot to handle sometimes. Life does that, challenges us.”
She falls asleep so soundly and peacefully,
With her nestled in my arms I too drift off.
I love waking up next to her, as she smiles every morning telling me she loves me dearly
Maybe this time the universe is indeed kind,
We both longed for this,
The safety and peace we never had before.

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

“**** I miss you dude! I miss us all together and stuff ya know what happened to you?”
My response to this was
I’ve learned to be alone, I like it. You are one of many and all that left. One of the many I gave chances after chances, you came and left every time. You know it’s funny when people think we can just pick up where we left off, it doesn’t work like that. I gave too many pieces of me away. Hoping that at least one of you would actually stay and see that’s yes I do care about you I’ll be here no matter what. But you all just took the pieces of me that I gave to make yourselves feel better and when you did you left. I have no more to give. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t recognize myself. The world and all the people who said “they love me” have taken it all and I gladly gave it all, just so you all would be happy. Many of you don’t even realize it or care about it and that’s fine. I even distinctly remember telling everyone the same thing, About how much it hurt how I started to feel myself drain or that I was losing who I was.
And still,
Everyone’s selfish.
Now I found my peace in being alone.
It’s a comfort knowing that no one can hurt me anymore.

I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will

I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.

She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.

I broke my best friends heart, chasing a lover that couldn’t understand my soul

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...

It’s ironic,
The gift Ive been told I have.
The quote is that everyone wears a mask to hide their true colors,
Throughout my life I’ve been known to be the cause of people showing their true colors.
I always thought this was a dark gift, I don’t like losing people.
Growing up I never understood why & now I’m older I see the benefit of it.
The thing is I don’t do anything, I am comfortable in myself and that makes people uncomfortable.
I speak my mind and say what I feel knowing fully well I can be rejected for anything.
Granted I know my limits, the irony is I try to be as honest as I can be.
And voila, it never fails.
They all blame me for their own reasons,
I laugh because they dig their own graves.
I observe and I try not to forget important things because a lie is easy to catch.
And when you catch them in that lie, they all react the same.
The denial, the anger, the need to play victim to everyone else.
Then comes the silence, and then ego steps in because of how insecure they really are.
It’s a dangerous gift I always thought,
Mainly because I know people do get hurt, people I care about.
In the end I am blamed, unlike them I try not to bring up their past mistakes as they do to me.
As they scratch & claw for anything to turn it around on me.
It hurts still yet I can’t just react that’s never a good thing, but there were times I really wanted to.

Isn’t it cruel and profoundly interesting that in the end you play your game with others feelings.
That once again you think yourself innocent while  this whole time I was blind.
Things you want your way and if not you destroy that person.
What kind of a monster did I fall in love with.

Jolted up in a cold sweat,
I remember why I try not to sleep.
The dreams are back again, the horrible nightmares.
Seeing her smile, hearing her voice before I wake up in the dream and I get the call.
“She’s gone”

My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...

I love And will lose.
To the end of an era,
She’ll be clinging to the past,
When the world revolves

She asked me why I don’t want to be in a relationship,
I replied that it wasn’t her fault.
I’ve been told for two straight years how terrible of a person I am,
How nothing I do will ever matter.
I’ve been told that I am not smart, I don’t know what I’m doing.
And a lot more, the problem is I believed her.
I believed her because I loved her.
And that did more damage.
I don’t trust myself or anyone.
How can I?
Her only reply is so simple and so sweet,
“When you’re ready I’m here, until then I hope I can show you that she was wrong. Because I see so much more. I love you even when you don’t love yourself I love you.”
And everyday since she’s told me that she’s definitely kept that promise.
It’s hard, most days I don’t talk to anyone yet she still checks on me.
That’s something that I never got before,
All I can say I don’t deserve her but everyday I hope to be the best I can for her and for me.

Love is a dangerous thing,
You can put yourself on the line over and over again because you care about that one person so much.
In the end they just leave, they’ll never know much you sacrificed for them.
They don’t care why should they?
Being alone is better.

Binge watching Stranger Things,
Her favorite show.
Come to find out 80s show that I stayed away from for god knows why.
Something about her,
Breath of fresh air.
Before I clock into work she tells me to be safe & she’ll be up at 3 am when I get off from work.
Just like clock work she’s up and sends a video of her with the biggest smile because I sent her videos and pictures of what I’m working on that night.
I get home and right away snacks and stranger things.
Sometimes we cook dinner well early breakfast.
I find a record for us to listen to, it’s just us for those early morning hours.
Sleep has never felt so amazing before in my life.
I’ve loved you forever
And forever will I always love you

A text out the blue,
“Hey I’m back in town…I miss you & i overreacted you didn’t deserve that, can we meet up and talk?”
At first I ignored.
Those words kept coming to life in my mind,
As if I could hear her saying the words.
Suddenly I hear the words of Della and others,
Telling me how I shouldn’t have reacted.
I started feeling the same feelings and telling myself,
“Don’t do it, everyone else makes the choices for you. They leave, you don’t get a say or chance. Everyone else knows best, everything you do is wrong. You can’t feel any emotions or show them. No one likes that, you can’t even have opinions, keep your mouth shut. Everyone else that has been in your life has all left because of you. They all say you’re the problem, you broke what you had. It’s all you. And if you meet up with this amazing wonderful woman, you’ll end up alone again once she gets tired of you. They always have a way out”
My only response to her was,
“I can’t.”
Honestly I’d rather be alone from now on,
And it’s for the best anyway

I wish we could’ve met later…
Not when everything was crashing down,
When everything never made sense.
I used these words with someone who didn’t fully understand them.
And I also used these words with her…
The girl who laughs with me all hours of the night,
The girl who cheers me on when I’m playing video games and shows nothing but being proud when I win.
The girl who sings and dances in the snow and the rain because its magical.
The girl who loves watching movies and nonstops talks through them like I do.
The girl who came in when I was at my lowest,
Smiled and showed me it can be okay.
Now we play video games together and kiss each other off to work,
Studying for my ged while you study for college.
We challenge each other but also can be kids at heart.
The universe is harsh and cruel,
Yet somehow the right person comes along after all hope is lost

I tried living a normal life.
Had a best friend who was always there and we talked about everything and hoped dreamed.
Planned traveling the world and going back home.
Everything was perfect.
Until I lost my best friend. My only friend.
Now I have no one.
No lover no best friend
Nothing

Truly I believed I knew hate…
I knew the purest feeling of rage,
The raw untamed feeling of anger…
This…
This is different.
I’ll burn the world down.

Tonight the dream was me back home,
Visiting my uncles grave.
And you were there with me.
We were happy & somehow it all worked out.

Her smile was tender, his heart was stone.
The voices finally won.
The ones he loved at the time dealt the blow.
It was her laughter, that sweet little giggle.
How she never gave up on him,
Through the hard times with no money to show.
The I love yous and the soft kisses.
He wasn’t perfect and she didn’t care about perfection.
Together their life became better than they knew.

I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
-
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.

You were right Delyla.
I can never be a good person even though I tried.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t try harder.

She stays awake to make sure I get home safely.
We tease each other and have been talking almost nonstop every day.
Her smile is warm and she isn’t scared to be a little goofy.
Honestly I’m glad I didn’t just jump into a relationship,
Because I can’t imagine ever hurting her.
I use to be a really immature guy but with her I can’t imagine ever being like that.
She inspires me,
To be better to grow.
To be the better man than I know I can be,
And to give her the world.
She deserves it,
And I’ll find the way to make it happen

I will make them all regret the day they turned their backs on me.
I will rise above more than they could ever accomplish.
I do not believe that the gods have protected me from death numerous times just so I live a small pathetic life like they all wanted me to.
In one way or another they’ve all tried to make me into their own perceptions.
They all have their ideas of me, yet they all made the mistake that they know me.
Or know what they’ve created,
How much I’ve let happen because I believe that people can care about you.
It’s a disgusting lie they tell themselves.
The truth is I was the fool for telling them parts of me that they ultimately used for their own gain.
I’ve been belittled, degraded, betrayed.
I am the fool,
Because I believe their disgusting lie.
Now they will regret it.
They will wish they were better than the **** they are.
And this time when they cry for their losses and their pain deep down I hope they know,
I was always the one who tried to protect them.
No more.
By all the gods I pray for vengeance, revenge.

Words fall short,
There’s no other way of saying that a broken souls love is meaningless to the her.
The conversation of my emotions turns into an argument
I’m never heard
And the twist is she always says it’s just me with the problem

Books, movies tv shows.
I’ve learned many things from them,
One lesson from a show that I remember now,
That in the face of any trial or tribulation,
I can overcome it.
To stick to what’s right, the truth.

Two worlds, separate expectations.
Two soul, separate by idealizations.
One chooses family, the other isolation.
One hindered by idealism, the other by pragmatism.
Have I truly lost the one?
Is this the curse of the the ******* son?

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

I’m self aware & mentally ill
I am overwhelmed by the emotions I’ve suppressed for so long
Being in my relationship with this amazing woman who only asks for love and to not be taken for granted has opened my eyes to everything I’ve blocked and tucked away
My counselor says that I was misdiagnosed, I do have ADHD and also Autism.
I’ve masked my innocence and my loving nature with the benefits of my first diagnosis.
I’ve learned to become a narcissist,
I’ve learned to become what I’ve always tried to protect myself from
And my relationship is suffering as the result of my defensive mode
I am now overwhelmed with the emotions that I’ve constantly called my weakness when they are my strengths as I learn to control them
I hope everyday she sees how much I’ve put into this daily fight
The hardest part of my everyday routine is waking up and feeling everything at once
The heartbreaking part is when my response to protect myself from being hurt is reacting in anger and seeing her hurting
I yelled rather than taking time to calm myself
I went silent before I communicated that I can’t process the battering ram of emotions that crush my chest
My counselor told me that I can do this,
My girlfriend says she loves me and I see that she is patient and also that she could leave because her happiness is what’s important
I can do this.
I am not a bad person.
I am not a narcissist
I am not a bad person.
I am good enough
I can win this fight
I can learn to love me again
I can be free to be happy again
I am going to be okay
I will win this battle against my mental illness
I will learn hope to cope and become a better person
I can and I will

It was then,

That I felt truly
Absolutely
Alone

In the midst of darkness,
Her soft voice quiets my tormented soul.
There’s no judgement, no belittling.
Instead she noticed I wasn’t doing the things I loved,
Her first response was to check on me.
And stayed on the phone as long as we could.
Saying goodnight back and forth,
Everytime getting a little quieter and softer.
Her little laugh and smile.
While the world pushes me to use anger and become the very villain I’ve wanted to escape from.
She only asks that I take a breath and rest.
My niece, her mom (my sister) and cousin all know her now, she wasn’t afraid to get to know them.
Now she knows how much they mean to me and I to them.
She met my family up north, and wants to meet my parents.
She’s gentle and kind.
It’s easy to talk to her,
It’s new.
There’s no pressure only encouragement that goes both ways.
I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us,
And I love every moment I spend with her.

It’s annoying how no one can grasp the idea of me being single.
Apparently “you are too cute! You’re so hot! You are literally the biggest sweetheart”
And no matter how many times I say it,
Everyone chooses for me I suppose.
Everyone else knows best.

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

Two completely different individuals who are destined to destroy in one way or another.
A dangerous union,
Many have warned about the coming calamity.
One will have praises & the love of many.
The other will have been broken & battered.
One has the heart of a lion yet piously flawed.
The other who’s lived a life as all lone wolves do, hanging on.
A reminder of characters from the tale of Fire & Ice.
One lives their life as if nothing happened,
After they’ve betrayed, lied, laughed & poetically killed the other.
Broke their spirit & destroyed what soul they had left.
In the end the pious lion always goes on & tells the tale of how they were always innocent.
Stalking their next prey,
Yet somehow their forked silver tongue always let’s them get away.
A long list of now broken naive people,
A pile of broken hearts & shattered dreams.
All for one’s ego.
Little did they know that maybe just one would be their greatest mistake.
That one person becomes the monster of their own design,
Now truly there is one who became more than just prey.

I could never hate you,
You were the brightest light of my life.
The girl I wanted to marry and wake up next to every morning.
The girl id hoped was to be the mother of our children.
The girl I loved more than anything,
The girl who’s father I promised to always take care of.
You’re also the girl who hurt me the most,
And I needed that.
I needed to be broken and destroyed to my core,
If it wasn’t for everything I wouldn’t have grown up.
I wouldn’t have become who I am now and will be.
Again I could never hate you only smile when you come into my life even if it’s only to leave again.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.
My promise stays true,
And if you aren’t the one then I know the one will never misunderstand that I am going to keep my word till the day I die.
I truly just want to live and be happy.
Goof around and watch my shows,
Go to work and accomplish wonders.
I suppose time always does tell.
Maybe you are the one,
Maybe not.

There are days where I wish that I hadn’t gotten out of that vehicle that burned & the flames roared.
I should’ve stayed in that seat,
Life wouldve went on for a lot of people.
I’d fade away from memory and existence.
No one would care to even remember why should they?
If I had accepted that it was the end of all things for me,
I’d be at peace now.
Not this hollow shell of whoever I thought I was before.
Terrified of the world
Pressured now to enjoy the life I have.
That’s the problem,
I can’t because there never was any reason to enjoy it before and maybe I had cheated death.
Maybe I was supposed to go.
Next time I wont try to intervene,
Next time I will go gladly

If it is was a lie,
If I was deceitful.
I wouldn’t be here:
Trying every time hoping that you’d see.
It’s you.

Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.

Losing your identity because the one you love and that “loves” you takes a bigger toll than you think.
At first Della presented herself as supportive,
Come to find out once again silenced.
I put my head down hoping to lessen the vibes in the room.
Never really got to speak my mind, share my views.
Always met with the disregard,
The instantaneous change of subject.
Luckily now I am able to speak freely,
Now I am with someone who is interested and open to learning more.
Trust me I talk a lot especially when I’m excited :)
It’s refreshing to be able to be proud of who I am and where I come from without the belittling by someone who said they love me

Panic.
Suddenly breathing is harder, abrupt inhales and sharp exhales.
Stomach tightens and jaw clenched.
Whatever you do…
Don’t
React.
Whether the reaction is positive or negative, it’s all perceived as negative in everyone’s eyes.
You can’t **** up.
You came too far to lose it all by showing what you’re feeling.
Don’t cry
Don’t get angry
Don’t let it hurt
Don’t smile
Don’t scream
Don’t laugh
Don’t Do Anything.
You know that whatever you do it all falls back on you.
The shaking and twitching starts because you’re muscles have been tight for too long.
Just keep a blank face.
It’s okay.
You didn’t do anything wrong…
It was out of your control…
Even standing in the shower away from everyone, tears build up but they can’t come out.
That’s when I realized it’s fear…
Fear of losing everything I’ve worked for.
Fear of not being good enough.
Oh that repetitive thought.
The whole car ride home was intense,
Hearing all the bills piling up, the persistent reminder that I have to save my money but somehow pay all the bills.
I just needed my phone service turned on and listen to music, even that I couldn’t do.
This whole night one thing after another,
I will say I am proud that regardless I somehow have gotten through it.
Now I’m hoping that she reads the message about how my phone service wasn’t on…
Either way…
Panic…
Just can’t show it.
So I lay here body twitching under the stress.
Knowing that in just a few hours,
It all starts again.
Hopefully it’ll be an easier day.
Just need to get to the weekend.
Breathe…