My sister held on to me
Like she was afraid to let go
I told her about my past
About what I didn’t want anyone to know
I told my suffering to my savior
And she held me tight
And told me she would take care of it
Tonight I cried
Because a little part of me died
When I told
What no one should ever know
Now no one can tell me
That I didn’t scream loud enough
That I didn’t cry hard enough
That it didn’t happen
Because my sister is here and she’s taking care of it
These are my secrets

Make sense of me
Tell me what I should do
Because I can’t function
When it comes to you

My sister is one year old
She has our mother
And a father separate from mine
Caos, screaming, and violence
My mother leaves
My sister is four years old
Our mother takes her to the mall
To get orange Julius
They have a tiny kitty pool
In the backyard
Of our mother’s small townhouse
My sister is six years old
Our mother gets married  
To a man who would later die
Taking nothing but horrible memories with him
My sister is seven years old
I am born and she loves me
She holds me in her small arms
And knows that she has to protect me
Because if she doesn’t no one else will
If she doesn’t love me more than our mother does
Then I will never truly know kindness and love
That I would never have known how it feels to be held and loved with the force that no mother could give
My sister is twelve years old
My father dies
Not much else to say
Tragedy follows suit
Our mother spirals out of control
My strong sister takes again the role of a parent
To both my mother and I
Who thought she could take care of herself
My sister is fourteen years old
My mother remarries
To a man, she barely knows
Who screams and throws things
Who made us feel less because we stood our ground
My sister is sixteen
She is suicidal and feels there's nothing else to live for
Except for me
My sister is seventeen
She leaves to prepare her life for me
My sister is twenty-three
She accepts me into her home
When I am fifteen
And we have never been so happy

My mother’s love is a burning house
It’s a white picket fence trampled in the dirt
My mother used to love us
She cradled my sister and I in her arms
She once told me she had a dream that we were both babies and she carried us one on each arm
My mother didn’t care if we got hurt
Only if it affected her in some way
She always talks about the “good old days”
Before we could talk before we could walk before we could give her our opinions
I know my mother loves me
Deep down in my soul I know she really does
I think in some deep hidden part of her she does feel bad for what she’s done to us
What she’s let happen to us
I love my mother but I don’t trust her anymore
I don’t trust her to make decisions for me
I don’t trust her to not let anyone ever hurt me
Because I know she just goes along with the crowd
When my mother’s feelings are hurt
She won’t talk to us
Even if all she’s hearing is the truth
Even if she’s heard it a million times played backwards
A broken record that she’s lived through
My mother doesn’t like the truth
It doesn’t paint her in a very pretty picture
She doesn’t want to talk about it  or think about it
And in some ways I understand that
But some things need to be talked about
Some things need to be out in the open
Before they burst and explode
And only people are left
Crying
My mother took care of us as babies
At least that’s what she said
We could see in pictures
Our earnest begging eyes
Staring up at her
Wanting more and more from her that she couldn’t give
I love my mother and through all of this, everything
I just want her to know that

The girl who wouldn’t have said anything
The girl who kept her mouth shut
She is gone
That girl had been through too much
Her mouth wired shut
I throw flowers at her grave
That girl
Frozen in fear
She is gone
She died, but not with my bad memories
The girl who would wear braids in her hair
The girl who was too afraid of male strangers
The little girl who was not protected
The girl with trust issues
She is okay now
She is letting go
She is healing

She’s gone
I tried everything
I could
I can’t handle change
I loved her
Done everything I could think of
But it wasn’t enough

Dressed like a daydream
Prepared for heaven
Fast beauty
Forgotten lover
Scorned
Swimming in circles
Until someone held her under
Shallow grave
Cover her so no one will find out
No one will know what happened
Unless her corpse lips speak
Scream
No one heard her
No one saw her
It’s like she was never there

Stop telling me she only did this because she was scared
I was scared too
I was a little girl
She was an adult
She brought him into my life
She watched him hurt me
Kept him around because he made her happy
Because she didn’t get the same kind of treatment her kids got
She got something out of the relationship
All we got was terrorized
For no reason
Because we existed
Because we were there and wanted to stand up for ourselves and our mother
We were hated because we had voices
That kept speaking out whenever he was loud
She is not a battered women
She was not so abused that she couldn’t stand up for herself
There were many times she stood up for herself and said she would leave him
But she would never leave him because of something he had done to us
Only her
She wanted him
Because she needed someone to hold her up
Because she couldn’t take care of herself
Even though she had two children doing their best to hold her
She put all of her weight on us
And all we expected her to do in return
Is be a mother
She wasn’t a mother
She watched us be whipped with belts
We stared up at her waiting for her to tell him to stop
To push him away to do anything
But she wouldn’t she stared at the ground
We told her many times about each man she had brought into our lives
The ones that sexually abused us
Three children came to her for help
One pregnant
She denied each the help they needed
Didn’t believe them, instead asked the abusers for their side of the story
Then the man got arrested
She lied to the police and told them she had no idea
About the beatings about the abuse
Like she hadn’t watched or seen our red, bleeding welts
She still visited him before his trial
Until the very end
Until his “accident” that she claims he caused
After she was so destroyed
She didn’t cry though
Not during the funeral
Not when she found out
She was dry-eyed and angry
She spun out of control for years
We didn’t talk about my father
We didn’t talk about anything
She was never home
Always working
Mainly partying
Coming home skinnier and hyper
Coming home happy until her next fix
All the while my twelve-year-old sister took care of me
Day and night
From the time I was four until I was seven
My mother was a **** head
She got angry quickly
But was so hyper
Leaving all the responsibility to my young sister
To parent both me and her
My sister had always taken the majority of the care for me
But these years it only got worse
At this time, we all slept in the same bed
A five-year-old, and thirteen year old and a thirty-four-year-old
I had put all of my stuffed animals into the bed to sleep with us
It was my mother's idea that she and my sister slept on top of them
And so my sister listened
And they moved their bodies atop my toys
I pulled at my favorite
Because I slept with it every night
My mom got angry and slammed my head into her metal bed frame
Hard
I cried and she apologized but the damage was still done
She met another man
Who cleared her of her sorrows
And made her from a ****** to a trophy wife
She was so happy
So it seemed at first
So was I
At first
He charmed us with restaurants
And fun activities
Structure and attention
That lasted about two weeks
He charmed my mom into marrying him
At this point, we were scared of him
He would yell at us for the smallest mundane things
And punish us without reason
He would hide in our closets
Then pop out when we started talking about him
He would scream at us
I don’t know how to explain how bad this was
You don’t understand unless you were there
You can’t imagine unless you’ve lived through it again and again
His face would get red
His eyes looked like ice
Normally you thought they were blue but when he was angry they looked icy
Like all the fire from his soul was burning him alive and his eyes were trying frantically to put them out
He used a threatening demeanor
He got close to you
Like he was going to hit you
He balled his fist
And told you how pathetic you were
How stupid
How fat
And worthless
First, he’d say it in a cold voice
Then get scream at you
Then he would kick things around
And break them
Like the time he broke my mom's doorway
Kicked it in so much that she couldn’t shut it
He hit me only once
He pushed me into the rocks and struck me hard three times on my bottom
He also threw my makeup bag at me while I was in the shower It hit my head then fell to the ground
My makeup spilled out and my nail polish broke
It spilled all over the bag and all over the shower
He hit my mom a least once I can remember
I told my mom about him sexually abusing me
I told her about him adjusting my bras and touching my *****
Which should have been enough to send a mother haywire
But it wasn’t
I was so ashamed and embarrassed about all of the other things
The things that were so so much worse because I was so scared he’d yell at me
That I just let him touch me, I just let him do the things he wanted to
I’ll forever be mad at myself for that and feel guilty
My mom told me from the start she didn’t believe me
But I didn’t truly believe her until she lied on the stand testifying for her beloved husband
Testifying against the daughter who had tried to protect her so many times
She broke my heart
I haven’t been the same since and that was almost three months ago
No, I don’t forgive my mother
She is not a mother
She was an accomplice to my abuser
She neglected me
She didn’t care and only loved herself
She was scared
But I was too

I screamed so loud
Without making a sound
I didn’t move
I didn’t say anything
Silent
“Keep your mouth shut”
And if you didn’t
“You’re lying”
He’d say
But I wasn’t
“Stop!”
But I didn’t say that
I just stood there
And waited for him to be done
For him to go home
I held my tears for a long time
I didn’t cry until weeks later
Because I refused to think about it
Because it was just too painful to relive it
The guilt
The disgust
The embarrassment
The Silence

Dry heaving your sorrows
Past flooded gates of stress
Teary eyes and your runny nose
Won’t make those problems go away
Receive the truth
Speak only lies
Hush your own ****** fluid
Until it can be mistaken for silence
Relapse
A quiet lullaby
Of hungered dreams
That only makes me seem smaller
Problems, so many problems
You have one more to overcome

He stood ten feet tall
With shining silver armor
But for some reason today he seemed small
I won’t bleed when I fall
For you
When you couldn’t love me the way I wanted you to
That’s okay because It wasn’t your fault I fell
And bruised my knees
I sunk, Waiting for you to dive in
While you flew high
You moved the clouds to show me what you saw
The stars shone brighter because you smiled
I want to give you all of my love
When I am sinking, you fly above
I thought I was stronger
That I could hold the world above my shoulders
Without all my problems crashing down onto you
My heart is heavy
It just shows how weak I am
When I should’ve let you go
So you’ll  be happy
And I’ll try too

I thought you loved me too, but I should know better
Because when I love someone I put my whole heart into it and put more effort than I need to
So eventually the other person will think they don’t have to
Every relationship I’ve had has ended messily
Maybe it’s because I’m complicated, my life is cluttered
My emotions come out to play when everything is calm
When everyone is happy, I create problems
I’m broken glass, sharp, harsh
When you step on me, I’ll bite back
I’ll cling to you, ivy on brick walls
Because you were there for me
When I asked you to
You were the happiest thing in my life
Because I made you be there
And you didn’t say no
You didn’t love me back
But also didn’t say so
I can never make anyone stay
I can never make feelings stick
I wanted this to work so much it made me sick
But it’s over, and that’s okay
It’s okay
Even if it’s not
I’m okay
Even if I’m not
That’s okay too
You’re just a boy
They’re just boys
There’s nothing wrong with them
Just me

I stood up for myself
For the first time in months
I think this might
Be the start to forgiving
Myself

Your mother and you have arrived, you sit on the sofa belonging to your stepfathers aunt
You know the names of everyone in the room, but they do not know you
The men ignore you, the ladies ignore you, except to tell you they like what you’ve done with your hair
Your mother is glued to your side, sitting as close to you as she possibly can
You go down stairs with the little kids even though you are old enough to have conceived one of your own
At least you would think that they would accept you as their own but no they have picked up the cues from their parents who didn’t realize they were giving
What a joy it is living in such a small, small  town
Expensive couch pillows stuffed with down
And then before you know it the food is done, the real reason your mother insisted you go
Not to listen to small-minded chatter or to watch the ladies show off their new babies and the ever present football game on tv screen that is a necessity
Now it is time to say grace, you stand in the same spot you have stood  in every year copying what your mother does, wondering if anyone here ever thinks about jesus at this time
You would think that the floorboards would have sunk for every time you have stood in this spot but no the floorboards gleam the scene is pristine the turkey shines
The food they remind you took money and time infused with just a hint of lime
Whether you like it or not this is family
You have to love your family
Even if they don’t know your here, your uncle is filled with beer
Even though you spend the entire rest of the day alone and down
This is your family in your small small town

Snakes wrapped around her legs
Pulling her down
Into the mud
Where all she can hear is negative
Makes her like them
She’s already starting to slip
She’s becoming mean
Negative
She looks to the sky
And sees a rainbow
All she’s gotta do is pull

I used to think of myself as broken glass
So breakable and fragile who couldn’t handle being dropped
A girl balancing on the edge of okay
If I had hurt myself or someone hurt me
I would pick up the pieces
But cut myself again on the sharp edges
No boy could ever love me enough
When I thought that them loving me is the only way I’d feel completely totally enough
Not too much
Lord knows I was already too much space to waste on a self when you could have much prettier dainty things
truly perfect and imperfect but in the most magical ways
Like girls in movies
Quirky but also crazy
Beautiful and they love themselves
Because there's nothing not to love
I’m realizing now that I’m not breakable
That I can’t just be tossed away and thrown to the side
I have spirit
And that can never be cracked
With everyone who has ever loved me
Or stopped loving me, or never loved me
It will only start to matter when I love me
When I am perfect to me
And my quirks are only part of the package
Not wrapped for someone else
But for me
I’m the one who has to live in this body, in this mind
I can handle having a couple of scratches and fogged glass
But I am not broken

Linoleum, single white floor tile
Stare at the ceiling for three hours
Follow me round the bend
To make sure I’m taking care of myself
When things got hard, free-flying into hard mattresses slamming cold, white catch yourself doors
Looking out the big barred window to see the humans below you who haven’t been caught not coping with their feelings yet
When the scratching started and didn’t stop until the clock struck six
Maybe it was the med cart that saved you that day
Shadows flicker in the dim light that glows to remind you that you are cared for, but only if you ask
You’re thought of only if reminded
You’re a priority but remember there is always someone else openly slamming that door while you lie and say you’re fine
You must believe I will get better to be with me
You must believe in me to be around me
Don’t spread your doubt about what you don’t know
To poison my tired mind
Because I am trying
And that’s all I can promise you

Breathe me in
Just to spit me out
If you’re not going to stay
Just leave already
I’m done
But I’ve said so many times that it feels almost normal
I forgot the word No
The word go
It’s time to focus on myself
Everything me
The spaces between
Everything from the outside to the middle
I don’t need anybody
I’m fine by myself
You’re nothing to me
But once you were my everything
I saw myself in you
Now I can’t recognize my reflection
I look for you everywhere
But you’re nowhere to be found

Could we stay friends?
No
I don’t think so
We don’t even make eye contact
For the first time in weeks
I messaged you
Starting with sorry to bother you
Because that’s all I ever did
Bother you
I asked about our mutual friend
And everything seemed
So formal
So business-like
Friendly?
Transactional interaction
You don’t like me anymore
That’s okay I guess
I mean I’d never force you
To be with me
Even though you should have told me sooner
Instead of leading me on
For so long
When you just weren't feeling it
You should have told me the truth
So I wouldn’t have wasted my time
Fighting for your attention
I’ve written a million poems about you
And I’ll write a million more

I still love you
But I care about you enough to let you go

I could hear him crumpling paper behind me as I talked
Scribbling on a piece of paper furiously
His face was bright red like a tomato
And his fist were balled in anger
I have to remind myself that he can’t hurt me anymore
That he’s not watching me
That he’s not following me
I’m not scared
I’m not scared
But I am
I’m not
I’ll never be there again
I’m fine
You’re fine
Everything’s fine
So why are you crying?
Stop
Just everything
Stop
I don’t want to hear it anymore
Stop it
I’m fine
I’m perfect
I’m okay
I’m everything
I’m nothing
I really don’t know
This doesn’t mean anything
It’s just me and my thoughts
And everything I’ve ever said and done
Things that had been done
And things that have not been done
And everything in between
Sometimes It’s hard being a teen
Or just a person in general

Trying to be the superstar
I’m trying to be the best
I can be
I’m trying to strive
Succeed
To impede the need
For break, bend, and snap
Crack under the pressure
I need to stay positive
To do my best
I can do it!
I have to do this!
I love this!
This is my life!
Don’t give up!
Yes you can!
You can do this!
Strive
Perfect
Achieve

I feel so useless
I feel so
So
I don’t know
Stupid
Dumb
Worthless
If I can’t do this
I can’t do anything
It’s easy to hate yourself
So I’ll try not to
Just like I thought I was trying today
I hate everyhting
But I also don’t
I just hate right now
The spaces between right now
Before and after
I hate the silence after something you just said
And you didn’t think anything of it
But then you relize that you messed up
And you can’t take it back
Now everyone is going to remember it
Think judgement on you
But everythings fine
It’s fine
You’re fine
But if you’re not fine
That’s fine too
You’re not stupid
It just feels that way

Summer is blue skies
Summer is pink lemonade daydreams
Summer is me and you
Winter is cold
Winter is leaving behind the old
Winter is me without you
Summer is warm, bright
Summer is happy days
Summer is when you held me tight
Winter is snowy, white
Winter is missing the flowers you used to bring me
Winter is saying goodbye

Sweet Tea wrote 3 months after I turned 15, 2018


Before you, I was a girl devastated by things I couldn’t change
Trapped in an endless bitter reality from which there was no escape
Sinking into a dark, spiraling well, from which I reached my hands and found a pool of light
You were my light, a haloed sunshine angel, who graced me with his presence for what seemed so long and ended so abruptly
The sound of your voice seemed to be honey, so sweet, attracting the bees, attracting me
My sunshine sweetheart, angel lover You’ve done your time so now you can leave
Why would you want to stay with me? I’m only a cement brick that will bring you down
A loose thread that will tear you down, a yammering parakeet who will wear you down
One time you told me that I thought too  highly of you
How couldn’t I? With someone who made me feel so confident with my body, somebody who praised me, someone who thought I was worth their time at least for the time being
In a way it’s better that you left, you’ll never be forced to see what I had to see looking in the mirror hating every inch of myself, hating the way I acted, and the way I interacted with everyone and hating the way no one seemed to like me
But you liked me, but it’s better this way because I’m a letdown
It’s Like when you thought you had bought sweet tea
But it’s actually unsweetened



The new version
Sweet Tea wrote 1 month before my 18 birthday, 2021

Before you, I was a girl alone
Being molested every day by the people who said they would take care of me
I was a fourteen-year-old girl who was taught at a young age to get yourself a man to save you
So I tried everything to keep you because talking to you distracted me from the fact my fourty-year-old stepdad was touching me
But what I definitely didn’t need was a twenty-year-old man messaging me
Telling me all the things he wanted to do to me
When the law would finally unclaim me and allow me to give someone a part of me he doesn’t deserve
You made me feel so much more alone
Somebody who told me he’d touch me
But instead of giving me what I’ll need he’ll leave
“Lick me up like an ice cream cone” huh Luke?
yes I thought highly of you
Because you made it seem like you’d never hurt me
You were the biggest disappointment
You always will be

I had an episode yesterday
I didn’t mean to
I just couldn’t stop crying
I was hyperventilating
Crying so hard that I could be heard in the next room
Harsh loud sobs that I had to cover with a shirt because I kept getting yelled at
I gagged and eventually, I had to take it out but I just couldn’t stop crying
I couldn’t stop thinking that I was a mistake and how I didn’t deserve to live
How everyone does everything for me and I just take it for granted
I try not to talk back but I get so defensive and I don’t think before I talk
I get into things and don’t listen even though I’m 17 and I’m old enough to know
My brain just keeps thinking about it and thinking about it
Then I tell myself no
But then I think about it again
And take only a little bit because then no one will notice
But they do
Then when I get in trouble I cry
Because I feel like I’m no good
And I feel so guilty
I know it’s my fault
I know I ******* up
But I can’t stop crying
Then I got so upset that my nose started bleeding
I was rocking, holding the stuffed cow my mom gave me
And I thought It was just hot tears coming out fast
But they started to rain faster
And I looked down, It was blood
All over my cow
So I started to ball
Because I was afraid he was ruined
That I could never hold him again
And think of the good parts of my old life
The horrible life I can’t seem to throw away
So I put him into the washer
Got detergent everywhere because I was rushing
Got yelled at again about how I can’t just do that
Got yelled at again to stop crying
Told there's nothing to cry about
And there wasn’t
It’s been a week since I’ve taken my meds
I take anti-depressants and antipsychotics
It’s hard to go cold turkey
It’s been more like a week and a half
I don’t know but it seems like forever
Nothing makes me happy
I’ve been depressed for weeks
First I was angry for months
Now I can’t even be the same person I was
Except on holidays
Except when I’m having a lowkey day
And finally, pull myself together
No one believes that I’m suicidal
Like it’s such a rare thing to be
I want to cut
I want to throw myself off a cliff into a river
I want to do something
I want to overdose like I always resort to doing
But I can’t because the pills in the cabinet aren't mine
And I’m not going to steal from the people who care about me the most
I just wish they’d kick me out
Stop caring so much
Because I don’t deserve it
I done so many dumb stupid mean things
I can’t let it go
I can’t get over it when everyone thinks I’m so nice and sweet and perfect
I’m not
I didn’t want to get up this morning
I just wanted to lay there
I still do
Because the blanket is so warm
When the rest of me is freezing
Like a big warm hug
I can’t show this to anyone
Because they’d just put me in a hospital
And I can’t go back
I don’t deserve the friends I have
Most of them are so good to me
But they have other people they’re best friends with
And I ditched them all when I shouldn’t have
Now I regret it
I’m not mad at anyone
I just don’t want to talk
Explain myself again
When no one understands
Or belives me
And tries to tell me
That what I’m feeling isn’t really what I’m feeling
How would they know
They haven’t been inside my head
I probably need to go to a hospital
Even I know this
But I can’t
I have school I have to go to
I have everything I could possibly want
I shouldn’t be upset

Apple cider vinegar boosts your metabolism and reduces hunger
I didn’t realize I had an appetite anymore
The feeling of food makes you sick when you can only imagine it coming back up
Spilling word ***** onto nice freshly cleaned carpets
Teeth stained, hospital gowns
I Need some mouthwash
If nobody knows about the problem that means it doesn’t exist right?
If no one can see your face, hallowed then you don’t take up space right?
Wrong, “you’re too fat, you’re too fat” You scream into the mirror
Haunching over the toilet, trying, crying to stand back up but no words come out and your legs won’t move for help
My illness is hard not to hate somedays when your throat is sore from five times of binging and purging today
Six rounds each
Maybe more if you can stomach it
Your nose will smell it and you’ll gag up more
Your mind  is the worst weapon you can use against yourself
Counting every calorie as a new way to punish yourself for existing
You’re so afraid of taking up space that you will resort to slicing your belly in half in order to achieve inner peace
Baby, it doesn’t work that way
Listen I know that somedays you look to see your pretty skinny friends
And you feel bad about your body and how one of your thighs could barely fit through the head of her skintight t-shirt
But I have been there, I have seen **** you couldn’t even imagine
Girls who want to become bulimic or anorexic, get ready for your teeth to wear down and chip from the acid from below your belly
Rumbling with the force of regret, the food you just ate but didn't want the weight
Get ready for the hole in your throat right next to your tongue down your esophagus
That burned its way coming up as it did down
Get ready to see your mom or your dad walk in to see you on your knees praying to the gods above as below anything over the throne,
Get ready for the disappointment, the extra eyes, get ready for the tears the fears
Why can’t you just eat? The rehab, The relapse
Get ready for hating your body, lack of control
The spiral
Get ready because ana and mia don’t give a **** if you were happy before
Because  they just want to be skinny

It’s the end
Or at least it’s coming soon
Hopefully
The bomb has gone off
And only I am left
Because I pushed everyone away
I’m swimming in regret
I’m drowning in self-hatred
Because If I would have spoken up sooner
Nothing would be bad
If I had only done something
I literally didn’t do anything
At all
I stood there
I let it happen
I let him hurt me
And I was embarrassed
To tell
I was afraid that if I didn’t do what he wanted me too
That he would take away my toys and yell at me
How stupid does that sound?
He takes away my computer privileges
And my DS
THAT’S what I was concerned about
THAT is why I didn’t move
Because I was afraid to get yelled at
So I let him touch my body
When I didn’t want him too
I was young and very very dumb
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live
Because maybe I’m so damaged
I could never make someone happy
I could never be happy myself
I have thoughts like that all the time
But I know I can’t act on them
Even though I want to
I’m just struggling right now
I don’t know
But I can’t sleep
I have nightmares about what happened
About the occurrences
About everything that's happened

Denial and Isolation
All you want to be is alone
You were always
Lonely
So you started talking to yourself
Like you were two people
You were left alone for so long
Now you choose to be alone
Because all you want to do is sleep
But no one will let you
You can’t believe she would do this to you
You can’t understand
What she could have possibly been thinking
She choose him over you
You are her daughter
She held you close
Rocked and nursed you
You thought she cared about you
How could she?
Why?
Why wasn’t I good enough for her?
2. Anger
I hate her
I don’t miss her
I remember everything she’s ever done
Like the time she slammed my head into her headboard
I remember how she let him scream at me and drag me into his pickup against my will
When I begged and screamed I didn’t want to go
And she said, “Nola, You have too.”
Because I knew what would happen
And so did she
Every time I was screamed at in front of her
When I told her I was suicidal
And she said I’d get therapy
That she would help me
But she never did
3.  Bargaining
If I had told someone sooner
If only I had done something
Anything
Moved, spoke
Told my mom everything that happened the moment it happened
Maybe just maybe
She would have believed me
Over him
When I have done nothing wrong
And he is everything wrong with our life
But she just can’t seem to kick him out
4. Depression
There’s nothing you can do
So why try?
Why do anything?
When nothing goes your way
No one understands
Every day something new happens
And it seems like the world is pinned against you
Like no one will give you a break
5. Acceptance
There will come a day
When you no longer
Daydream of what you should’ve been
Nothing you could have ever done warrants this kind of torture

I want to paint my face with makeup
Cake it on heavily with care
Then cry and ruin it all
Like the mess I am
I want people to think something when they look at me
Not just negative thoughts
“She’s ugly”
“She’s fat”
“She’s stupid”
“She thinks she’s all that”
That’s all I hear in my own head
I wish it’d stop
I wish that I could stop thinking
I wish I would stop acting like I’m stupid all the time
Because I’m not
I become what’s most comfortable for the other person
What doesn’t get me in trouble
But my existence isn’t there to make other people comfortable
I wish I could tell the little girl who was abused that she was enough
I wish I could tell the little girl with an eating disorder that she wasn’t too much
Part of me
Deep inside me
That little girl is still there
With all the things she had to go through
All the scars and trauma that was left behind
That she does matter
That she needs to keep trying
Even when she gets knocked down
One million times

When I was 130 pounds
I was always jealous of my 90-pound mother
One day I told her I wished she was fat too
Instead of telling me I wasn’t
She said “that’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me”

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

It’s because of you this happened
Everything is because of you
And her
My mother
Because she didn’t protect me
And because you didn’t care about me
It’s because of you that I’m always scared
And mad
Mad that this happened to me
When God knows it shouldn’t have
I have no job experience
I have no volunteer experience
Because I sat in that house neglected for entire days by myself with no means of transportation
The only volunteer experience I have was with you when you molested me
And I’m not putting that down
So thank you
Thank you for making me cry in random classes at random times of the day
Because I can’t stop thinking about what you did to me
Now I can’t finish my homework
Because I don’t know what to put down
I’m writing this so I don’t get emotional
When I shouldn’t be
Because nothing is wrong anymore
I’m not hungry anymore
I’m not by myself
And I don’t have to be scared of you anymore
But I still am
And I wish I wasn’t
I wish that I was normal
And I had a real chance to survive in this world like everyone else did
I wish that I would have taken chances
I wish that I would have told sooner
I wish that my mom would’ve cared enough to help me
But she didn’t and I didn’t and you didn’t
No one did anything
And now I’m here
In this class
Writing this
When I should be doing my homework
Angry, When I should be happy
Remembering what never should have happened
I really don’t know what to put down
Because I just don’t
And I don’t want to put your name down
Your name makes me ***** in my mouth
I hate you
I wish you would just drop over dead
But I know God doesn’t want me to do that
He wants me to pray for you
But I don’t know if I can
Because I don’t wish anything good for you
I wish you everything you have ever done to me or my family ten times over
I wish you ever word, every touch bite against skin brass knuckles bruised lips from not speaking a word
I wish you all the hell you ever did on to me
I wish you a lifetime of tears
I wish you poor body image and low self esteem
I wish you every tear I ever shed because of you
In an ocean that would drown you
But because I’m a good person
I wish you realization
Correction
I wish you not a happy time
But a time of learning

My truth hurts her
My mommas crying
Because I told
Locked her king away
For abusing his family
A castle of tragedy
Princess locked away in her room
Queen lighting up a cigarette
Now everybody knows
What I went through
That hurts you
Because everyone looks at you differently
My birthday is a week away
I wonder if she’ll think of me
If she’ll imagine about how I’m doing
And wish I’d talk to her
Hope that she still has the courage to ask for another chance

I don’t hate gym
it’s not my best class but it also not the worst
I will do push ups
I will run, do sit-ups, crunches and burpees
I will do everything you ask of me
Except play the games
Volleyball, Kickball, baseball
I just can’t
My body tenses, my lips quiver, my head freezes
Everyone’s just so much better than me
Runs faster than me, plays better than me
They look like their having fun
Like everything worth being alive
They look better than me
Dress better than me
This is what I think about during gym
Besides that, girls
Thin girls, thick girls, pretty girls, ugly girls
Who am I? And where do I fit in
Where do I belong?
Not here
In this gym, sweat pouring down my chin
legs wobbly, body tense with anticipation
Muscles weak, brain tired
From shouting
Over and over again
In my head, how useless I am
This is why I don’t participate in gym

If the stars continue to shine
Consider yourself mine
Therefore I love you
If the grass will grow
I’ll  never let you go
Therefore I love you
If you promise never to deceive
It will be my heart that you receive
Therefore I love you
It is your inner and outer beauty witch I behold
I will wrap my arms around you so you never get cold
Therefore I love you
If the sky stays blue
I will always be true
Therefore I love you
If your tears continue to pour
I will be there, for sure
Therefore I love you
And if you shall ever leave my eyes will miss the way you smile at me
And my lips will miss the way your lips fit so perfectly into mine, like a puzzle piece once lost and now found
And my arms will miss the way I held you, and was held by so close
And my heart will miss the way you made it race and pound with affection
If my heart was a glass vase
I bid you not to drop it
For when you do it will shatter, and never will the pieces be whole again
Therefore I love you

The truth about monsters is that they look like real people
They will disguise themselves as your uncle or your stepdad
Or your too-friendly neighbor, a wolf in sheep's cloth
They will ask you to come over, and you will without thinking
Because they just seem so nice
And you’d never expect something to happen to you
But as soon as the doorway opens and they get the first chance
They will bite into your skin, leaving deep scars to last you a lifetime
Blemishes you will have to hide in case someone will ask how you’re doing
Excuses he has made incase you shout
That it wasn’t him, he cares too much, why would he do something like that to you
When he is just such a nice guy
Nobody believes you at first when you tell on him for the not so nice thing he did to you
Because nobody wants to believe he’s a monster
Instead, they will cast blame to you
Well, why were you there? What were you wearing?
You must have done something, because why else would he want to insert himself in your life so much

“I don’t blame you”
“You were young”
Influenced
Verbatim
You said while still ******* me with your eyes
You called me a liar
In the same sentence, you asked me to change in front of you
Into a blue and green bikini
I asked if I could change in the bathroom
You said you wouldn’t hurt me
You were an adult
And your job was to protect me
I wonder if that’s why your daughters left
Because you protected them too much
You made me stretch out on the floor
I can’t say I was naked
But I think I was
Because you wanted me to do situps
Then you wanted to blow on my stomach
But said you couldn’t because I was too old
You asked me what the worst thing I ever did was
I panicked because I didn’t want to get in trouble with anything I said
So I said something about my friend
And how I ditched her in third grade
For another friend
You said the worst thing I ever did was lying about you watching me in the shower
When I was in fourth grade
It was weird
Because no one had ever monitored me while I showered before
No one had ever opened the curtain and directed me
I was a big girl I could’ve taken my own shower
While talking to my mom about it years later
I found out you lied
You told her you were outside the door
Not the curtain
The worst thing I ever did
Was not telling sooner

I had to go through all of this
To make sure
An evil person
Couldn’t hurt
Anyone else
I just gotta keep reminding myself
He can’t hurt anyone else anymore
Even though he hurt me
To protect myself
I say
He never did this to a sixteen-year-old
When my birthday past
When I gained weight
He did this to a 150-pound girl
Not a 170-pound girl
He did this to a girl with long curly brown hair
And with short blonde hair
And pink hair
And blue
He didn’t do this to a sandy blonde brown short-haired girl
Who straightens her hair every morning
He didn’t do this to a girl who loves life now
He did this to a girl who wanted to **** herself every single day
Because of the pain, he had caused
But sitting in the courtroom
Him in front of me
I looked him straight in the eyes
And I wasn’t just that girl anymore
I was the girl who took him down
The powerful girl
The strong girl who refused to be scared
The one who didn’t let him intimidate me any longer
I’m the girl who got justice

Locked into each other's arms
Passion burning in the pit of my stomach
We slow danced to Conway Twitty
As we stared into each other's eyes
I’ve never felt so secure
As our hearts wandered past the sea
Now all I know all need is to be with you
To touch you, talk to you
Stare into those deep meaningful brown eyes
And know that so much happier times are coming

Under, inside
Peeling from skin
Break free
Shivers from unknown sources
Anxiety cannot be defined
I might be scared
Lose your mind
Pick off the thorns
Set fire to the roses
You’ll be fine

Twenty two minutes
An hour
Ten days
How much longer with this last
In this body
Trapped in this mind
How much longer till I break free
The negativity is breaking me down
Weighing me down
Sinking into the deeps of the ocean
Descending to the core of the earth
When I am no longer in this body
When I am somewhere
The earth doesn’t call home
I’ll know, deep in my soul
That I tried my best
That everything I’ve done
And everything that I am
Happened for a reason
When I go
Where science doesn’t back up
I’ll be okay
Because in the end I always am

These poems are about me not you
About the pieces, I've given away
Not about what you've done to them

I have spent  my entire life at war with my body
Raised in a home, where pretty is small
And if you weren't you weren’t much at all
Two years ago, I found my sister’s diet journal
Her bulimic blog, her anorexic aesthetic
For some reason skinny is important
Society has trained little girls with big dreams and big thighs
To cut themselves in half, then fold themselves 26 times
To achieve model perfection, size zero you are my hero
Little girls,I will tell you this, something you will hear a thousand times but never enough
It does not matter what size you are, how thick your thighs, how tight your mother’s dress is around your waist
You are not your body
You are much more than your body
That is just a mere covering to hold your greatness
Your body will rebel when you mistreat it
Like when your cat ran away when you forgot to feed it
Your stomach will cave in, your bright eyes will sink , your hair will fade and dry, your muscles will wither
I know that it’s hard, it’s hard to stop thinking when you can only think in the form of crunching numbers
When you couldn’t stop counting calories to save your life
When all you wanted to do is be skinny or die
And even when you achieve that goal, you look in the mirror and you still look the same, you still look like that fat girl who ruined your life, you’re still are the girl that nobody likes
Habits are hard to get rid of
Like how you bite your nails and tap your toes
I know how hard it is to stop but you must stop, you are killing yourself you are stunting the growth of your greatness
Little girls with big dreams, no matter what your size, YOU matter not your body

Forbidden Forrest
The one you always go back to in your nightmares
Trees hiding the view from people who would protect you

A false remembrance of trust
“You must trust me” He commands
Commend me to stand
Lean on Him for the strength I was too weak to have
He says
“I am your protector”
Trust
I don’t remember it that way

When has life ever been fair?
Sandstorm, stomp the ground
Scream! Get it all out
Anger and devastation has to come out
And you’ll be okay
I promise
Keep trying <3 ‘

There’s nothing to be said
But so much I wanted to scream
Angry, punching walls
Breaking down the doors that separated her from the outside world
She was crazy
It was getting harder to breathe
Under the water, trapped in a small room getting smaller
You felt like you were going to explode
All the things you wanted to say stuck inside your brain like a melody
But only nonsense spilled out onto the carpeted floor
He’s angry
But you didn’t say anything
He screams at you to speak
But your eyes are glued to the floor
And your lips stuck shut
You’re shaking
But he can’t see that
He’s staring at the reflection of himself in your eyes
But for some reason he can’t see how terrifying and unreasonabele he is
She can see everything around her start to move
Shaky, dizzy
Suddenly she’s on the ground
The sky spinning above her
She’s never felt like this before
So out of control
Crazy
You can hear the voices of people
But you don’t see anything
You look around
But it is only you
Like it always was
Breath in shallow gasps
I turn around
He’s gone

Cascading waves of uncertainty
I wonder if I am nothing more than a warm body
If I gave it up too soon
Sweat, the heat under the blanket
If he loves me
If he could love me
Why am I so attached
I hate myself for my dependency
Please fall in love with me
If not please break my heart
I’d probably let you