She didn’t recognize her own daughter’s voice
How sane can she be?
If she chose him over me
Sometimes I wonder if she ever loved me
Does she still think of me?

Soft lips curl into mine
Your hands caress my face
I can’t get enough of you
We talk for hours
But I just want to see you in person
And be with you always
Maybe that’s weird

I should have said something
I should have done something
I should have done anything
But I didn’t
And I can’t help imagining
What my life would be
If I had?

Missing you has taught me
That you can both love and hate someone
So much at the same time
Even though it sometimes feels like every part of me is filled with hatred for you
That I can’t close my eyes without seeing what you’ve let happen to me
But I still cry out for you
My dreams are filled with memories of you
Daydreams consists of you coming back for me
Loving me again
Choosing me
Believing me
You’re not someone I should dream of
You’re someone I should hate completely without emotion
But I still have so many feelings
That I can’t explain
Loving you is hurting me
But hating you is killing me

I need to change
I don’t stand up for myself
Because I’m tired of fighting
But I need to
I’m going to
Because I can’t keep living in fear that someone will yell at me
Who the hell cares?

Mom
Didn't you know I needed you?
Momma
Don't you know I still need you?

You hold bones just to break them
You saw me drowning in a shallow kitty pool
The one that you filled up
With  years of little nitpicks about my body
And my own self worth
You acted surprised when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer
My bones weren't strong enough to handle your snaps
Weak from the lack of calcium
From the lack of food in general
Why didn’t you say anything the first time you heard the tsunami coming from the upstairs bathroom?
When my tears could fill an entire mason jar you bought for the sole purpose of drinking your morning coffee
Why didn’t you tell me I was wrong?
I was 115 pounds and thought I was too big
Maybe you did too
Is that Why didn’t you say anything?

My mother loved all the wrong men
She always loved the ones who didn’t love her back
Didn’t care enough to call
Ones that didn’t like us
Her children
It’s wicked
Twisted
How the world could deny my mother of the love she truly desired
Love from us wasn’t enough
Every man she’s been with
Has abused her
Beat her
Cheated on her
And everything that has happened to her has happened to us
Her own children
She stood back and watched
Waited until it was over
Then climbed in bed with the men who hurt us
She’s wicked
She’s twisted
But she’s not
She always seemed like the victim in all of this
But we were the victims
And She was the accomplice
Wicked
Twisted
I know

Hair tucked neatly behind her ear
She moves in the same direction never straying the path that is mine
Leading to my heart
Swaying to the parts of her I never knew I needed
Beautiful in the way I remember her last
Breath inhaled sharply turn to see her leave
I’m not ready to believe she can be happy without me
But nervous in the same way I can never be free of her presence
Haunting me, her softness
Still teases me
I wonder if she dreams of me
Lips puckered, pink cherry blossom
To the sound of my voice
“Come here”
“Leave”
These words sound the same
Only my twisted mind is to be blamed

You care about me
Something I’ve wanted for so long
And now it’s right in front of me
This is something I can trust and believe in
This is something good to put my faith in
When I kissed you
I knew
I knew that even if we don’t stay together forever
At least we have this
At least we have each other
Our friendship
Our trust
And I know that even if we fall out of love though I don’t see that happening soon
I know that when I think of you, you’ll still make my heart swoon
And even if we don’t stay together
I know that we’ll still care about each other
Everything that we’ve done and everything that we’ve been through
I know you feel the way I do
When I tell you
I love you
And I mean that
I’ve only written about people who’ve broken me
But now it’s time for something new
You

Momma, let me see your teeth
All I’ve seen is your frown
Did he turn your world upsidedown
He told you he would change everything
That you’d never be scared or sad again
Is that why he’s the only one who gets to see you happy?
Is that why you rather spend a lifetime with him than a moment with me?
Because you’re shackled to him, with the love you thought would set you free
He was right about one thing, everything did change
You’re not my momma anymore
You don’t care that my heart is broken
You give me reasons to cry
We said our goodbyes in a courtroom
Everyone said you looked like a battered women
But I couldn’t see that staring at you sitting next to his family
The same family who never accepted you
You were scared of him, I know Momma
But did you ever stop to think of how scared I was?
I was a little girl and I trusted him
He took advantage of me right under your nose
And you believed him when I finally told you
Sometimes I wonder what I did for you not to love me anymore
What happened to the Momma who needed me?
Who tucked me into bed and read me stories
Dressed up on Halloween just to surprise me
She’s gone, so is her smile
At least for me

Momma
This ones for you
I remember you when you were young, late twenties
Blonde hair
Reckless but loving
I thought of you
At least
I’ve written about you so much
But mostly the bad
I hope you don’t mind
But this is about how wonderful my life could've been when you were in my world
You can tell everybody
So maybe they’ll stop talking so badly
Some of it you deserve
But I’ll always love you
And I’ll always remember the good momma
You could’ve been