I have since learned how to temper the storm that is me.
On the outside at least.
Inside however the wind still rages.
The waves still beat with an unforgiving furry.
I have not known stillness in quite some time.
With stillness, peace has also been a stranger.
Every day I fear that the storm I have caged will break free and show the world it’s wrath.

I hate looking at myself with no clothes on
I want to have *** but most of the time I tear apart my body and talk myself out of it
I even hate letting my spouse see me naked
I wish I could remember my childhood
I hate the things I do remember
I don’t know why I always cry
I want to save every one because no one saved me
I’m a people pleaser because I don’t think I’m enough
Sometimes I cry because I don’t want to go to sleep
The nightmares never stay away for long
I need everyone to love me and have a good opinion of me
I don’t want to die
Some days I just don’t want to exist
Sometimes it’s hard to remember who I really am
I’m so used being who I think everyone wants me to be
Most days I hate myself
I wonder how anyone else could not hate me to
I resent the kids at school that bullied me
I resent the family that were just as bad as the kids at school
I resent not having a safe space to grow up
I gave parts of myself away that I shouldn’t have because I felt wanted

I haven’t been truly “fine” in a long time
I’ve mastered the art of smiling
And crying when no ones around
But the mask I so carefully crafted is slowly chipping away
I’m starting to stumble over the steps in this play I put on everyday
Maybe it’s time to let the world see what happens when the curtains close and the performance ends

Talking the people I love off of the ledge is what keeps me from jumping over
I know that if I leave I might be the reason someone finally decides to take that final step
Thinking about the pain I would cause by not being here makes my pain just a little more bearable