if you went back in time
and found my eighth grade self

you would find long sleeves
pulled way down her arms
and you might notice
she was hiding something
that she got awfully tired of hiding
and tired of stares when she wasn't

i'll give you a hint
my ninth grade self
had bright red scars
seared into her shoulders

my tenth grade self
was still finding leftover
pink horizon lines from
safety razors on her thighs

my eleventh grade self
found all her skin remarkably
pale but her coping
mechanisms still unhealthy

and my twelfth-grade self
she was the weakest one of all
just had the strongest
jaw to hide behind
and enough self-confidence to
stretch thin across her neuroses

but if you could go back
and find my eighth-grade self

please tell her
something for me
she won't believe it
but i just have to tell her

that in four years she will buy
the most beautiful sleeveless
white dress with navy lace
and she will wear it with
sneakers and bruises on her knees
a smile the overexposed
color of her insecurity

and nobody
will say a
**** thing
about her scars
bleached into
a memory.

it's been quite some time
since we've spoken, or seen
each other in person.
our brother still doesn't understand.
mom and dad don't talk about
you anymore, nobody really does.
maybe it's because of the distance,
or maybe it's because everybody
thinks since you're an adult you don't
need us anymore. but to me, you are still much more than name or a face in a photo album.
I used to tell so many stories of you and I.
from our late night talks, to how I used
to jump into your arms whenever you walked
into the room.
I'm sorry I have become silent in recent years, for I have found the presence of a sister in many friends. it fills up the empty space you left in my heart, but I always leave space for you in my mind.
I still look through the pictures
of us, and it still hurts that you're not
there to see them too.
I still wonder about you all the time.
I wonder if your hair is still short, if I'm still taller than you, or if you really
joined the military or if you decided on getting a degree instead.
I wonder if your address is still in florida,
or if you've moved across the globe like
you always wanted to. sometimes I can't
help but wonder if you live amongst the
stars now, and the only thing left of you is a stone. and I really hope that isn't the case.
I just hope, wherever you are whatever you
are doing you are smiling. I hope I cross your
mind every once in awhile, even if it's just
for a second. I hope we meet again and the silence will broken between us. and if you are in the stars, I hope I can make you proud.