That I've lost more tears than words
That I've been scared of being intimate since the boy that abused me
That I'm hurting inside so badly that all I can do is laugh about it because I can't cope with the feelings in my head
That my mother is so depressed that the whole house is shaking
That my father cries silently in his room at night
That my sister is rather not at home
They don't know
They don't know why I wear scars like a crown
Why I wear bones like pearls
They don't know why I push them away
Why I love flowers more when they are dead
They don't know
Because I choose to
I need to be strong for my family
I need to keep the mask on
They don't know I'm wearing a mask
They just hear my name and associate it with the things I spill on the table
They will never know
I won't let them know

I know they do
They wish I wasn't born
They want me to be gone
They hate me
They hate me
They hate me

And baby she's so tired
So tired of holding the corners of her mouth
She's so tired of faking a smile
And baby she's so scared
So scared of all the people
Telling her she can't
And baby she's so angry
So angry at herself
The cuts never went deep enough
And baby she's so done
So done with life
It never was good to her

She plays violin on her wrists
Sinfully beautiful symphonies appear on her skin
Like paper sheets her blood will flow
With eyes determined on the price
She watches the last bit of her soul seep out of her wounds
A lonely sound escapes her lips
The last lonely sound she'll ever make
Now she's in a different place
And replaced the violin for clouds

what if I told you every scratch on my arm, every scar and every drop of blood and every trace of smoke is there for a reason. Would you understand? I don't think so. I do understand that. But even if I do I want to say to you that I can't tell you that I'm sorry about this. The pain in my head is so unbearable that my skin is numb to the touch. Every drop of blood has a little pain in it, untill all the pain is gone. You could say my skin is a faucet. It lets the pain flow outside. The scars aren't pretty, but they keep me alive. The faucet isn't working properly, but it works good enough to keep me breathing

Why the hell is everybody on their phone?
Why is the answer to life on the ******* phone?
And is the answer to my happiness in the cloud?
And if I die will anyone notice if I'm not around?
Why is the gram more interesting than paper in your hand?
And why am I the only one who doesn't understand?
It's like they got the instruction while I live in destruction
Why are people smiling while they're all so sad?
I dare to tell you a part wished they were dead
And why the hell is the temperature rising?
Why the **** don't we talk about that
Because all we care about is our streak on snapchat

' You are the reason why my marriage isn't working' - dad

'you are worthless' - mom

'do something with your life, you look stupid doing nothing and being depressed all day' - mom

'you aren't depressed, you are just going though a phase' - dad

'You tear me apart' - mom

'you are egoistic, trying to **** yourself' - dad

'it's your own fault, just eat' - mom

'JUST STOP BEING YOU' - mom

'I don't trust you' - mom

'I love you' - mom & dad

I'm dissociating again
I can't connect with my body
My head's just floating in thin air, tired and at the verge of being psychotic
I can't remember what I did yesterday or the day before
I'm anxious, feel like everyone is watching me
I feel the need to hurt myself or worse for that matter
I made plans to end it again
At night nightmares haunt me
At day I feel like the body I'm in isn't mine
I'm scared to get a psychosis
I'm scared I'll suddenly start to lose my grip on reality

I am the one with the big eyes
I am the one who's always standing tall
I am the one with scars on her arms
I am the one who bites cheeks when being anxious
I am the one who wiggles her toes when waking up
I am the one who's always trying to help friends
I am the one with freckles
I am the one who drinks an oddly amount of tea
I am the one who tattoos herself with a cheap tattookit from the internet
I am the one who cries when seeing old people
I am the one who can't walk without thinking about every step
I am the one who likes to go to vintage stores to fantasize about the people who used to wear the clothes
I am the one who likes her book the old fashioned way, just paper
I am the one who's always cold
I am the one surrounded with art
I am the one in most things
But am I the one for you?

And he thinks it's so easy
Because he knows how to love
But I never met that feeling
I've had a dark cloud above my head and my heart for as long as I can remember
Who even am I?
My brain tells me it's perfect
But my feelings got stuck behind this wall
I can't seem to find them.
Every day I pretend. I pretend that I'm fine.
'yes I ate my dinner, yes I took my medicine, yes I love you'
These lies became a friendly play.
But the glue behind the mask is wearing off and slowly reveals the broken pieces left of me.
I don't know anymore
My brain divided itself into little fragments, hovering all over the place.
The only safetynet is myself, and I can't seem to find her.

I had a plan for the future
But I feel like this plan is falling apart
I purged for the first time in a year
It made me feel empty again
I don't know why I need to feel empty all the time, or maybe I do  
I am so scared of feeling things
So ******* scared of life that I rather live like a zombie
I try to break free from this grip depression has on me, but all it causes is blood to flow
I don't want to disappoint people
I don't want people to worry about me
but I'm getting bad again
I need pain, high and starvation to make me feel like I'm in control
but the truth is I'm not
I don't know what the **** god's plan for me is, but I'm sick of being his puppet
He can't own me. Nobody can
I will never be owned
I don't like restriction, I don't like people telling me I'm theirs
I';m scared that people have high expectations and will get disappointed once they find out what a mess I really am
I'm sick of myself
I'm sick of being this way
I want to feel happy again, I can't even remember how it feels to be ******* truly happy
that isn't normal, I'm a freak.
I can't live like this any longer
I'm so scared of life, I can't live any longer
it feels like I can't breathe
like the ground is disappearing underneath me and I'm falling in a ******* hole
I'm scared and my parents aren't there to help me
I'm scared of what I will do to myself
I don't want to leave the people I love behind, but I can't live like this any longer
I'm in so much pain and I can't even explain it
I can't even tell you how much it is
it's like every bone in my body, every part of my soul just shattered and is cutting up my innards
I can't do this anymore
I AM SCARED

You can't have me
You can't own me
You can watch me burn in the smoke of cigarettes and ****
You can hear me screaming, defending my end
You can see me ruin things, all things at once
You can feel my energy rushing through my bones
It's trapped in a body with a lack of capability
I am a wildchild
I do what i want, when i want
You can't own me
You can't tell me what to do
I'm my own personal hell
I like the destruction in ways I can't describe
Watch me dance like a crazy person when I listen to music
Watch the rain fall on my tongue when i step outside
Watch me chew my cheeks when i think
You will never know what i am thinking about
Maybe that's what interests you in me
You like the way i am uncontrollable
You like the way i refuse to live by standards

nothing better to do, I'm yelling '*******'
I'm trying to figure it out
ruined my shoes trying to kick the dirt
trying to clean the blood off my shirt
I'm trying to figure it out
Nothing here to see, just a wild kid like me trying to figure it out
nothing better to do, I'm stuck here with you
I'm still here trying to figure it out
Licking lollypops with men watching me walk by
they want a piece of me but I'm all mine
enjoying the sun with glasses bigger than my face
I've learned to love what seems to be the race
dancing with my shoulders out, I planned it out, I don't care I figured it out
walking like the catwalk is my place to go, now let me show you I figured it out
Smoking a cigarette and stay in bed I figured it out
I love the danger, I figured it out
I'm officially off the rails, you should try it

It's not going so well right now
They say fake it till you make it
So I do that
I fake it every day
I smile, I tell people what they want to hear
'yes I'm okay, it's going to be allright, I feel fine'
But I'm burning inside
This raging fire ate away at my innards
It only left some fog to fill my brain
I'm not okay and it's not gonna be okay.
I don't know how to end this without ending myself
But there are things to fight for
They keep me alive
My arms are getting tired and I'm covered in bruises
I don't know how much longer I can take the punches
They are slowly killing me

I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
You are in my blood
You are all that's left
And it scares me
What if you don't want me anymore
What if, after all this time, you'll get bored of the way I smile, or the way I cry
All those other people did
They beat me until I couldn't get up anymore, treated me like I was nothing
What if I'm nothing to you?
I know that's not the truth
But this fear keeps creeping up on me
I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
What if you take yourself away from me
I'll be left without something to keep me from choking