Doing this alone
Making my world turn upside down .. I got pregnant
Now its been 9 months
Im here at the end
Battle over

Thoughts and decisions
Racing throughout my head
Its bottled up, afraid of releasing these emotions
In fear that i will give in
Washing away my life

A flood of tears making their way down my
Cheeks
Wet puddles pooling on the floor in front of me

Stuck in a rut
Wondering if i will
Ever break free of this curse
Fetal position in a ball
Bawling in a corner
Reluctant to fight


Huge choice
Cant take it back
Wisest thing
I will ever do
Unconditional love
Comes from the strength to
Give them the lives
They deserve
Without being selfish
A path engraved in dirt!

By Anna marie rose
January 1 2017

Abstract shapes displayed on walls
It seems it will consume each person
Lock our voices in a box
You won't find what we look for
Outside in the open
Rather inside someone's heart

Starting to have feelings
For you
Swear its running throughout my head
Wishing I could cuddle with you in bed ..
Wishing you would grab my hand...
Needing for you to understand.
Longing to have you love me back
To see you need me back
Dreams of making love
Seem to overflow my brain
Cant tell you that because im
So afraid of rejection you see
If i dont tell you
It cant be proved wrong
Tears that have fallen
Dont really have a place
I belong
A game of tug a war
It seems
Jumping up to see what you need
Trusting enough to
Show you my seams
Even if it goes to extremes
Rambling on like a fool
Maybe I am crazy about you
Secrets my friend
We can find comfort again
Easing my mind so I dont
Cry.. Why is it that
Im falling down
To get the fire i need to
Have the desire to feed
Possibility of a future with
You
I hope its true
And im not just walking into
A gap of rejection like
A rat in a trap
*** i think my poem is crap

I wasn't strong, my knees were weakened by the addiction that feeds  my forsaken life..

To be a amazing person with the ability to overcome it and show the world I'm different then the rest...
To bad so sad I failed the test.

My addiction never fooled ANYONE
I had no idea how strong of a grasp it had on my soul, it took the innocence
And left a big hole.

To think I would  be just fine
That it wouldn't
been blawing my eyes out
Because I lost months of my life..

Disappeared in the blink of an eye..
Wrong of me to think that I would be an exception.

Now this battlefield in my life
A wrecking ball with cracking frames, writhing dreams,
Shattered hopes,
Devastated CRYS
And don't forget guilt ridden
Thoughts separated family
Children with unanswered questions
And fears that **** the soul
For I can't let them know
I chose to not try
And now..
2YEARS LATER I WANT TO SHOW THEM MOMMYS GONNA NOT FAIL
BUT TOO LATE ..
I BAILED
And failed my sweet babies sooo extremely much
---
A few thoughts of suicide entered my brain but that won't solve a thing

So I have 13 years I have to miss of the memories I can't have  but with time .

I can ensure my life will be on the right track
When their 18 with a head on their shoulders. . My chance to be the mother I was supposed  to be
Will be at my feet!

For now its only hopes in my dreams

my addictions & afflictions,

The decision I need to make
On whether to give up or give in

Just maybe I need to disappear from sight

Melt a bowl
Cracking it back
Just one time
I'm escaping
The reality of my life

I choose to stop this  
Responsibility  of hard work
And
Now I light it up
I get higher
Then the clouds
Distancing myself

From the
that part of me don't think
The parts of me that don't deal no need to speak

Jump straight the hole
Dig deeper now

Cursed by the lies

My struggle with addiction has not only caused damage and destruction in my personal life but in my childrens lives if not more so then mine.

My own fear of not being good enough or not being worthy of my children was my reasoning in the process of self sabotaging and giving up
I lost myself in the methamphetamines

That was the reality of my situation failure to provide the necessities and to protect the well being's of my children
  I ignored my childrens pain
I failed to notice their silent pleads for  Attention
That is where I now come to understand
The reason
Counseling is truely necessary
I want to overcome this weakness
This fear ..
THE ONLY REASON I
Still have faith I can overcome and succeed is
Because
Jesus gave me the strength to
Overcome my fears.

I WILL SOMEDAY HAVE  RELATIONSHIPS with my children

Maybe not in the near future but someday and that is good enough for me to continue to put forth effort in improving my situation every day

I have a sickness I
Cannot lie

It craves to feed
The fatal
Eyes

A greedy lust
A need for The sickening
Strangers touch
The need 
So strong

It haunts my mind
A
Ever flowing
Urge

To be naughty
All the time
To moan and shake
To feel the pain


Deep down Inside
Begs to make
A extremely wet
Mess
A soaking bed
Almost a lake

The illness I have
Is overwhelming
Indeed

I have a problem
An issue of sorts
No Im not joking
Or Exaggerating at all

I crave a sin so pure
I fight a demonic
Beast a
Biting, gnawing, growling
Full force
****** feast
The is my
Mental disease

Hanging my head in regret
I smear my eyeliner
And quiver as I try to fight the tears that my emotions create.

My heart feels empty
My mind is overflowing
Thoughts of my past
Spill forth
Puddles of tears
Forcing the world to see
What I have buried in my soul for so so long....
Witness my fears
My bare truth

beauty is a selfless being,
she seldomly sees herself such, wondering what the world must think, she traps herself in her books reading and writing keeps her hooked.

The Beast does paces back and forth in his castle.
He has locked himself in a creature in a cage or if the world seen him they would laugh in his face or be frightened and run away.
He keeps himself hidden.
He wasn't always an ugly Beast.

There was a witch she cursed him
A magical Rose this truth the fact that you must find true love
Before the last petal or he will be be trapped as an ugly beast for all eternity..

He thinks to himself how could it be how will she fall in love with me I'm just an ugly beast she'll be fearful of me and run the other way
Beauty ..

My favorite friend whose now my lover
Says kind things to  me all the time.
Its so uplifting and heartwarming
That he most the time it makes me blush.
Thats because when he says it is heartfelt!

My sweet love
You hold my heart
in your hands.
A fierce wind blows up
Memories
Of our lives
Knowing that you
Are the reason why
I want to be alive
Better than the alternative
Loathing my life
Has been a long saddened pain
Hopefully I can see
Thru the rain, to a better day.
As you hold my hand along the way
Thru and thru
You been there to
Help me up when I fall
I glad you have been there thru it all
It's the same reason that
I know things will be alright
Being able to someday sing
Will be a delight

I get on my knees,
Aiming to please,
Look in your eye,
And zip down your fly.

I throw you a smile,
Show you my style,
Your **** I take out,
And open my mouth.

I make like a fiend,
get on with my chore,
Look like a queen,
A ******* machine.

I feel like a glutton,
I over indulge,
Pull back my head,
I wait to get fed.

I close my eyes,
and get a surprise,
My mouth it fills up,
When will it stop!

Time for a treat,
Something to eat,
Your *** I ingest,
Get some on my breast.

Finished my work,
I give you a smirk,
You say Im the best,
Now your obsessed.

Solely afflicted by my own mind.
Your perfect Little girl is left wondering how to survive
This broken arrow that now penetrates my heart.
My delicate emotions are ludicrous.
I sit back and peek over to you several times,
Memorizing lengths of time and recollections of everything I have come to cherish.
My cheeks stained with newly fallen tears.
All the explosion of loud noise that burst from my lips 💋
(Confusion and fog in my head!* Hazard Signsand Caution red lights 💡 only in my brain!). Oh, what to do?
I just want you!

Feeling so lost
Unable to get by
Trapped in all the reasons why

Im feel like  the pain is so deep
Its just grows and grows
Been through so much
Pain I  maybe going insane
just when I thought there was hope
I GET THROWN OUT
not even a joke
What is this life
When all I try for get torn apart .
Made a mockery of this chaos
A dangerous place
You wont see
nothing left but empty seas
a good thing that is now bend
A lovers grief is strained
Not more passion to gain
a broke promise to  hold on
Why do I feel so wrong
A door now Shut in my face a downhill path with a fresh dig grave
A metal cage for ones who need
To be gone
Now Its fond memories of us never last so long
and all that was there was a very truthful stare.
All the I loves yous and words of phrase
Alk thw Im sorrys
And now we must part ways

Not really sorry .
Not really truth
Just a lie or two because
hamging out with me was fun
Amd now its not fun
and you really dont even care you just shame me and derail
I will take this knife in hand and cut out my heart
Will you please hold it for me
Cuz I can look at it no more
Its so much trouble
I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE

Broken, cracked
But slightly intacted
Memories of battles
Still conquers my soul
Forward on new journeys maybe fate
Intuition as seen
Instability become stable indeed I must
Action Now accepted
My step that i now  taken
I am owner of mine thoughts I can feel my face if I believe myself without saying it's too late

Written  by Anna Howard

No one can say this world's the palace  of wonderful  things,
When born into a broken home,
Where the love given isn't shown
A concrete hell
A saddened reality
Where we see a corrupt sight

My mother with a depressed life
Seeked herion to feel numb.
A brother rebel of his own making
Tool, pantera and slayer his music engraved his soul
Marilyn Manson echoed his ROOM Nothing but anger. ..
Loomed...
A sister thoughts outlined in chalk
Her addiction to liquor flowed forth HIDDEN
Away .. to cover the years that were in a disarray
She always wanted a perfect size two body
To show off... anorexic and bulimic disorders covered her pain..
Innocent and still so very young
I was locked away in My fantasy world
Barbies and Polly pocket... and my teddy bear Bentley. .
I climb the tree in my front yard to protect myself somehow.

Teasing me my sibling would say..
Hahaha your the adopted one
The truthfulness wasn't there
Why did no one care
Issues of a broken home
Memories come flooding back

Without U my world is blue
My heart is restricted
My eyes are damp
My joy is gone
I'm a broken disgrace.

You were the light in life
The smile on my face the
Beat of my heart
Now all I hAve is this
Pain.

Pain to get up and live another day
Sad and depressed in every single way.
Nothing  is ever going to be the same
I gave up on life in a way.

My purpose in life is gone
My energy to try isn't there
I don't seem to even remotely care
I haven't even brushed my hair.

I miss you smell
I miss watching you sleep
I miss your laugh
And your cute tiny feet.

Why did I lose control
Why do people offer to help
When the truth is their robbing  the innocence of our souls
Signing away their life

I wish I could rewind time
Go back and be more wise
To open my *******  eyes
Only that can't happen
I'm empty inside

I would rather be dead than alive
Being  a mommy  was the only thing  I ever wanted
Now I'm a worthless  piece of garbage
Take me out when u take out the trash
I might as well be thrown out on my ***.

I want to
curl up into a ball
I want to give up on life
And cry.. even  bawl
Throw everything I own at a wall
Disappear and all.

My fire within started in my teens,
The rage of some kids
Bullying me..
It started a flame.
That ignited a blaze
No I could not win..
So I began to fight
I was afraid..
Which filled me with hate.
Not sure whether or not
I would really be okay
It started a battle not with
the kids but the fuel in me
I could not resist..
I started to cut then it became a must for everything that went abust
I consumed this lust for my own blood
Which I felt like a battle around..me that stopped the inner pain
What is this I really gained?
That started to mock me
So I began to lock myself into my room
With a knife and a blaze
I lashed at the wounds
My abuse to myself
Was a relief to my mind
But to the outsider nothing but a crime..

Once people saw my shirt covered by blood
They ask me about it
Not knowing I'd run
To the top of the town
Where that water well was
To sit in my secret place and sink into my thoughts and feelings
There was the reason for me to believe

My cutting wasn't attention to gain but a access to myself to exit my pain ...
So bullying prevention is a must have thing

To keep other kids from going insane....

By Anna Marie Rose Howard
2/6/2016

Stepping on toes
Walking around blocks
Twisting and turning
Untying the box
Uncovering the truth

At all costs
Stop hiding the answers

Buried deep down in your memory


Are layers of pain

Filled in a suitcase and lockedaway


Wander the path that leads to the place
Where people go
To wipe the slate clean and start
Anew


The best beginnings start
When you close that door
And have faith again

I have been lost in this like place, like I get lose in outer space.. As I walk down this Path .. I hang my head in disgrace.
All broken and crumbled and scratched. I see the fire At the end of the path...it burns brighter and has a evil laugh...
I look Up in wonder ... And see your dark soul bust In to embers amd dance to the floor::
Your the exact reason I now crave for more,

I have this hungry branded in my mind i got to have to ., and i will stand up amd fight .., you keep.me. amused .. Your smile. Makes my smile widen
By Anna Marie Rose Howard March 2016

Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
that lies there somewhere in between your
memory and reality...
Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
and there is no one to hold you,to embrace
you,to put their feet between yours..
Every night you are cuddling with a shadow
there is no easing out of this pain,you
will get through it,but I know you will
be forever cuddling with a shadow

The way he holds me in his arms
The smile on his handsome face,
The look in his blue eyes
The way in which he smells,
The sound of his  gentle voice.

The sound of his laughter
His sweet kisses
Being wrapped in his love
Feeling the warmth of his skin
The way he always spoils me
he always calls me "Annie"

16 weeks pregnant
No father just a ***** donor
             .....***
one second LATER
☆BaM☆




**** THIS ****
ITS NOT Fair

Broken world
Government starts being overbearing
As the earth turns


Scary things
Monster
In the REAL WORLD
SECRETS AND LIES
NOTHING IS SECURE
NO DEFENSE

TO BRING A SOUL INTO THIS WORLD

Scares the **** OUT  of me

If only there were people
That would counts stars like I dream of sparkling shards! I could dance in puddles of you

My sweet lover
Stop this agony!

That's one look from his eyes
you're hypnotized
More than your lips could muster wish that your lips was totally press against buying in silence our tongues intertwine electric shock waves tingle and dance through my lips into yours hearts race bodies crave more starving for affection Blissful and pure ripping your clothes off as we explore

A spiral of smoke
       Satin rose petals
         Delicate tears
            leaks
From your Deepest thoughts

She cries crimson tears
The sadness tortures her
    every thought
Its like a knife stabbing
  Her over and over
   A mother without
   The babies she bore
Is a devastating destruction
That kills her very slow!

This disarray in my head
is a unhinged reality.

Everything's unstable  
The plans become void
As always enabling each other, a destructive cyclone of dysfunctional
Life.

Uneven ground, I stumble around trying to catch my footing

My head is foggy and everything seems unreal
Not sure if I am just dreaming or if it's real

My hands shake as if I'm
Nervous but my
Mind can't grasp reality

Not on anything
But this constant
Dizzy feeling
Dares me to stray

A warrior stuck in a maze,
A sick or troubled obstacle lays in her wake.
A metal fence replaces the walls that before held all those pains.
A  coarse  burden  her flesh does withstand.
A burial seem close at hand,
So do as the mocking bird
And play along
And fake reality
Will embrace your
perception
Like a false hope
A calm before a big storm

Dougie, you are the man of my dreams
You are my only true king
I will give you my all
N show you only the truthfulness I'm living
I promise you Baby, as you Look in my eyes and until the end of time. You will always be mine

Her fair porcelain skin was exceptiona soft and radiant
Her face a rare beauty
Those eyes a spectacular dark  green
Never mind the scars deep into her core
Because she remained the same every day.
So easy to trick her sanity
She chooses the  make-believe world

The manner in which they move around the room
His arms stretch out to he pulls her in
The dances that last all night
The pair seems to be a beautiful sight
The audience cheers
Applause all around
The clock ticks on by
In the enchanted  realm
It could survive the hardest  part
Growing old and forgetting the moments that keep her alive


Soon the world goes dark
As she sits alone in the empty room
Though she tries as she closes her eyes
She remembers it all
Twirling around
The star of the ball

Tears began in
to fall, Once again
Its all past
Reliving the continuous life that
She wishes would have
Lingered

She opens her eyes
Touching her face and looking in the mirror
She once again notices the wrinkles on her old skin
And thoughts of him so near
Loving him so much
When he died so young
The only world she lives in is the one in her head
Where they are 25
having the time of their lives
Routines
And early morning hours
Prancing
Around swinging here and there
Tripping and falling
And giggling and having a wonderful time
To be in love so young
Only nothing last forever time does move on
Her heart begins to break
This is more then she can take
She comes to the dance floor every evening after 4 pm
To pick up her granddaughter who practices every day
She promises her lover
To continue with her dreams
But she can't so she live thru her granddaughter.

My love for you my dearest friend
Has been the only
Truth i know


Your smile
The  
Highlight of my day

my best friend
Always making sure
Im okay!

Starting to have feelings
For you
Swear its running throughout my head
Wishing I could cuddle with you in bed ..
Wishing you would grab my hand...
Needing for you to understand.
Longing to have you love me back
To see you need me back
Dreams of making love
Seem to overflow my brain
Cant tell you that because im
So afraid of rejection you see
If i dont tell you
It cant be proved wrong
Tears that have fallen
Dont really have a place
I belong
A game of tug a war
It seems
Jumping up to see what you need
Trusting enough to
Show you my seams
Even if it goes to extremes
Rambling on like a fool
Maybe I am crazy about you
Secrets my friend
We can find comfort again
Easing my mind so I dont
Cry.. Why is it that
Im falling down
To get the fire i need to
Have the desire to feed
Possibility of a future with
You
I hope its true
And im not just walking into
A gap of rejection like
A rat in a trap
*** i think my poem is crap