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i still remember so clear,
how both we are so dear.
how we smile along
all the path we use to thread.
The fight, the play,
The good, the bad,
Much more thing we often share.

ooo, how time flies away,
moments fall by the way.
We are but a victim,
How things fall apart.
but i will carry on the pain,
no matter how it weight.
this is a feeling,
that have come to stay.

i will watch and pray
i will hope that someday
the sky and star will shine
as bright as they can
but if they wont
it's okay, it's fine


ooo, i will wait,
i will wait,
for any chance for us to meet again
BitterSweet memories
 May 2018 Anna-Marie Rose
summer
being alone
2. spiders
3. ghosts and demons
4. being watched by a ghost
5. creepy noises when I’m sleeping
6. my anxiety consuming me
7. my depression consuming me
8. the dark of my bad days
9. death…
10. you leaving me
11. you lying to me about how you feel
12. you cheating on me
13. you loving another girl while you’re with me
14. you just learning to love someone else
15. that I’m not enough
16. that I’m not enough for you…
17. that everything you have ever told me has all been a lie
18. that one day I will be a bad mother
19. that one day I will be a bad wife
20. that I will remain a bad person forever
21. that I might ever not learn to love myself the way I deserve
22. that I won’t be happy
23. that I actually am a bad person
24. that people talk about me behind my back
25. that no one actually likes me for who I am
26. that everybody is faking
27. that everybody really hates me
28. that I deserve all of this…
29. bugs
30. bats
31. ants
32. snakes
33. creepy old men
34. the internet
35. people who don’t know me
36. people who will hurt me
37. people who think I deserve the way they treat me
38. people who hurt me regardless
39. people who don’t care about me
40. being broken again and again and again…
call them fears, i am just scared of these things. you don't need to understand, but i do want you to know. maybe you'll love me less, maybe you won't. only one way to find out, right?
I need someone to hold my hand.
I need to feel the warmth of the skin.
I need you to understand I might be sad even when you do this.
Don't be alarmed if I suddenly break out into tears.
It's not you, I'm glad your here holding my hand.
Sometimes though even when I know someone is here for me.
I still feel the need to cry.
Because I feel things, and I see things, and life happens and it's hard at times.
So, don't run away when my eyes become filled with tears.
Because if you weren't here, holding my hand, it might be worse.
It happened one day when i was in my room.
I was watching a movie, and this girl was self-harming.
I went back to this video a few times.
She looked happy, the truth is, she probably wasn't.
After getting deeper into videos, movies, and blogs.
It sounded like a good release to my pain i was going through at the time.
So i watched the movie once again and did what she had done.
Then i did it again.
It became an every-day thing i did.
Then i stopped.
Telling myself to stop.
Stop.
I started again.
I reached out to a family member, and he knew.
He asked to take pictures of my wrists.
He said no one would find out.
He told me that it would be our secret.
He grabbed my wrists one time and I pushed him away uncomfortable.
He hid my secret from everyone.
Days, weeks, months, 1 year had passed.
Another year had gone by.
Until it turned into 3 years.
Then i stopped once again, thinking that I would relapse again.
I got to 20 days.
Until it turned into months.
I know I have been talking about this lately.
It has been weighing heavy on my mind.
I found that talking about it helps.
I'm 7 months and 10 days self-harm free.
It is possible to stop, if that's what you want.
If someone you know, or you are struggling with this yourself, please reach out to someone you know.
Please, get help, even if you think you can do it alone.
Because I find it helps to talk to people who know my story.
It doesn't make you weak to reach out.
You deserve the help!
The victims deal with the abuse.
Then when they get enough courage to leave, they have to go into hiding.
Afraid every-time the phone goes off, that it is them.
Every-time someone knocks on the door, they wonder.
Have I been found? Will I have to move again?
When they go out, they look behind them constantly making sure no one is following them.
Careful to post any information on social media, so they cannot be cyber stalked by them.
A friend request on the internet makes them suspicious, wondering if that could be them.
Someone who is friendly sets off alarms, wondering if somehow this person could be related to their abuser.
The victim did not ask for any of this yet, the only way to survive is to leave and hide.
Forever wondering if they will be found and put through the abuse again.
There are many forms of abuse.
If you know someone or suspect they are going through abuse please reach out to them.
Or someone who can help them.
Because they need to get out of  the situation, even if the abuse has happened once or many times.
Because often times it will keep happening until it goes to far and the victim dies.
Or becomes seriously hurt physically or mentally.
They tried to build me.
They tried to build me so I didn't fall again.
They kept failing though.
I kept crashing back down.
They started getting tired.
Because they had their own life, they had to build up other people who meant more to them.
I was left, crashing slowly each day.
Until I became something I never thought I would be.
Then he reached out, and I started building myself up.
But I would stumble and fall.
He would stay and watch me.
Making sure I didn't fall to far.
He was there at night when I needed someone.
He counts the days with me.
I have to admit, at first I thought he would leave.
If he hadn't been here.
I don't think I would be where I am.
Slowly building myself up every-day.
Slowly becoming who I want to be.
I look for you in everyone.
Because I don't want to get hurt anymore.
Yes, I look for you in everyone.
So no one else can do, what you did to me.
If someday I run into you, don't expect me to say sorry for speaking up.
Don't expect a hug, because you don't deserve feeling my warmth.
Don't expect me to listen to you, when you try to tell me, that you did nothing.
I don't want you to even admit you did anything, because I know what happened.
I don't need anything from you, leave me alone.
Please, don't look for me, don't knock on my door.
Please, don't reach out.
The only thing you need to know is that I'm doing fine without you.
The only thing you need to know is that you did not keep me down.
The only thing you will find, is a different girl.
A girl who doesn't let people do what you did.
You have taken enough from me.
No, I don't forgive you.
 May 2018 Anna-Marie Rose
Renji
We're all two faced ,
One left to  be never found
The other just an illusive smile.
So which do we choose to show?

I'm glad mine is still within the shadows,
I never hope to bring it out... Don't force me to.
It's a cruel ******* world out there.... never thought I'd be able to compress my feelings into poems.
 May 2018 Anna-Marie Rose
celey
she furiously scribbles down on her tiny notebook
that she keeps hidden

trying with all her might to ****
and continue starving herself

because apparently pretty hurts
You said you'd love me
No matter what I did--
I understand

You said it was alright
To have bad days--
I understand

You said that I could
Make my own decision--
I understand

You said it was okay
If we disagreed--
I understand

I understand that they were
Empty words
And that in actuality
You want me to be
A Sunshine Girl
All the time

I understand.
I'll go back to faking my smile.
I'll go back to crying in secret.
If you want me to be happy
I will be.
Don't worry about me--
If you ever have, I mean.
It's alright.
I understand.
If you don't want me to show you who I really, please don't say you do.
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