Maybe this time will be different,
In such a way I could only hope and dream about,
Or in thoughts I fall asleep so warmly nestled in.
Maybe this time will be better,
Then any other love in my life thus far,
In sweetness of Lilies, kind words, and candlelit dinners.
Upon rooftops, cars, and bridges.  
I might be getting too far ahead of myself,
But maybe this time will be real,
Not one sided, not possessive,
Caught up in a ring of smoke, drugs and money,
Of guns, lies and games.
I don't want to be bad anymore,
I want this to be good.
With kisses sweet like cherries on a checkered picnic blanket.
So maybe,
Maybe this time will take a bit more than the others,
But maybe this time will last.

So drunk I can barely feel my feet
But let me tell you something:
I'm not a stupid girl.
I've lived a thousand lives before,
I know what's happening.

I'm utterly nervous and uncomfortable
And I feel everything so very deeply
It gets to my core within seconds.
I want you to know that I'm still lovely
Even with my strange habits
And my inability to figure out what exactly I'm doing,
But I've always been true in all my life,
Because that is the most important thing to me.
Everything I have told you is true,
And I hope my words radiate your bones tomorrow morning.
I don't want to scare you away.
I hope you know that this could be right.
I'm not just that girl from high school anymore,
I'm a real person.
Remember that.

I have so many thoughts clotting up my brain, one day they'll probably just **** me, but to you, I'm still just a girl with no life experience,
Barely a person with any real worth.

There's serpents circling around in my head,
Biting at me so venomously,
And you lay your ignorance on my chest like being ten years older really means anything at all.

I'm falling over with uncertainty
I'm trying to get back on my feet,
Until I get pushed back down like I'm not doing enough,
I'm just trying to tell myself I'm not scared,
and you're making it impossible for me.

I need a new distraction,
And would ya look at you
Your tattoos,
Cigarette breath, and old leather shoes,
Oh my,  
God spent some extra time on you.
The way you walk,
You look so cool,
Rolling Stones tshirt,
Keep it old school.
A wild ride,
I can see it in your eyes,
I can hear it in your stories
I'm sure half of them are lies.
But oh ****,
You got it.
That thing that makes me crazy,
I didn't know what I was missing until I saw you, baby.
I need a new distraction and you're perfect,
There's nothing I can do
You walked into my sight and I can't keep my eyes off you.

I don't want to think about what could have been,
I don't really want to know.

Time doesn't heal wounds,
The wisdom that comes with time does.

You give me that feeling
Like I've been missing out on something my whole life.
You washed ashore from the bar into my doorway,
Kissed my sleepy eyes.
I wanna take you all the way,
I ran out of things to say an hour ago
But I can't lose you now.

A state of gymnophoria I'm not well adjusted to,
Sink your teeth into my soul,
Just a little,
You could be the one I've been looking for.

I think I might be in too deep already
Taking a plunge into rose colored lips
I wanna see you more than just one night,
I wanna see you tomorrow morning.

He said he respected me too much
too take a conversation in unwanted directions
And I didn't try to argue with that.
He was the only guy who ever told me he respected me enough to treat me like the lady I was,
And not just a woman's body,
Or almost nothing
Which made me both happy but sad,
That in my twenty years, he was the only one to think of me as more than just a stupid girl.

I don't really want to write a poem about you.
I don't want to try to fit you into a group of words, like you were just a quick beautiful nothing that fluttered in my sight.
I don't want to think about how you only exist in my memories now, and that I feel terrible to say and feel that these past three years have passed me by so quickly.
I hate to say my most vivid memory of you is the way your lifeless body lay in your casket,
Your braces still on your teeth.
And how I had to leave my biology class because I couldn't stop crying,
I didn't understand.

You'll always be seventeen,
But I keep growing older.
I keep looking at the same pictures of you,
Nothing new.
I think that makes it feel even more real: when that's the only place you're tangible,
If only in the tiniest bit.

He wasn't very beautiful, no.
Nothing extraordinary.
But he was everything I was looking for.
Car rides from school have been imprinted in my memory like hands in wet stone.
His cigarettes filling up my lungs with smoke and leaving my brain rushing and wild.
The way he looked at me, I couldn't even tell you.
I never had anyone look at me that way and haven't since.
It wasn't as dreamy and beautiful as I might make it seem,
Still remembering it with my former teenaged mind,
I spent most of my time wanting him to **** me in the cleaning closet upstairs at our after school job,
Or at least touch me, nervously.
But that never happened.
I did however find myself touching him.
Reaching into his soul and pulling him out until he couldn't hide from me anymore.
I made myself his home and stored his thoughts, desires and pains in myself,
Like his suicidal tendencies,
His misunderstandings and anger,
His love for my friend, Katie.
Different than ours.
I felt heartbroken,
Yet so happy as long he was,
And while it seemed unfair
I finally passed infatuation and found love in its purest form,
No matter how unfair it was.

You captured my heart in the waking dawn of a warm summer morning.
Gold flecks caught in your eyes, shimmering like pixies in the sun.
Running through dewy patches of newly blossomed flowers, I felt newly blossomed too.
Under trees and in between leaves,
I found love in your body and soul, enchanting and enticing,
Throwing my head back laughing at everything you said to me.
And I saw it in your gypsy smile,
That this wasn't to be forever,
But I didn't mind.
I laid in meadows of wildflowers and spelled your name out in petals, until the wind swept them up to some place far away.
The taste on your lips like sweet nectar dripping onto my tongue,
Your hands soft and gentle, caressing my face like a child.
I unbox my nostalgia, piece by piece like little russian nesting dolls as I speak of you now,
and consider you almost a dream,
so long ago and so brief,
It almost doesn't feel real to me anymore.

Luna, I bet you get this all the time
But Luna, you know I'm not like other guys
And Luna I think of you every time on the radio,
when its soft and slow.


Luna, I think I saw you in my dreams
'Cause Luna, you're all I hoped you could be
And Luna you're an angel sent from above,
Gift from god,
Goddess of love.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

Luna, I know this might be a lot
But Luna, you're the only thing I got
And Luna, you're all I see in my dreams at night,
You're my only hope, my guiding light.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

I can't help but believe
That you could be
The greatest love that I'll ever know.

She was New York in the winter,
Paris in the summer,
Los Angeles in spring
And
Boston in the fall.

Just beautiful.

I see him in the driveway and my heart skips a wild beat,
That white van with navy writing I hardly get to see,
His soft cotton uniform, fresh and clean, just for me.
I just love a man in uniform.
I have a uniform of my own, I've been waiting all day for him to see me.
Lacy thigh highs barely peeking out of my favorite cherry print dress,
I like to be a lady.

When he steps through the door, I follow our normal routine.
A glass of lemonade, I just made it.
A sandwich, I'll make him one.
He seems so unknowing of the desire burning within me,
I'm not like this for just any man.
Of course, I won't instigate anything,
Just watch him from the couch as he works.
I could watch him all day.

I tell him things to make him laugh and he takes his time,
As I would expect,
I'm such good company.
I swallow everything he says like it's my last meal,
Sweet, silky, smooth, like chocolate.
He's so relaxed, yet focused on the task at hand,
And I love catching him look up at me while I walk around.

When he's finally done,
He collects his things and I thank him for his time and services.
Such a nice man, dealing with a woman like me all afternoon.
Just to fix the TV.

It's all in your head.

That's what he said to me.
When I couldn't drink another sip of coffee,
Or sit still for another moment
Because my heart was racing so fast,
And everyone was staring at me.
Oh my god, my makeup is rubbing off.
I look so hideous.
I don't want to talk anymore,
I think I'm going to be sick.

It's all in your head.

How could it be in my head?
I'm not even a real person.
Who am I?
I feel like I died so long ago,
I think.
I feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes,
Just a ghost, occupying a body that isn't mine.
My feet don't feel attached to me,
I NEED TO GO HOME.


It's all in your head.

Is it?
Is it all in my head, so congested yet still racing, trying to escape all these thoughts?
Is it all in my heart, beating like an angry man's drum?
Is it all in my lungs, gasping for breath?

It's all in my head.

It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
It's all in your head.
That's what he said to me.

Too much of a woman to keep being a girl.

I've been ****** since I can remember.
Falling into the arms, hearts and wallets of all the men in my life
Who were double my age, but made me happy and free,
However short of a time.
I even loved them without any money.
The ones that bring me to the gas station and gift me,
With cigarettes, slurpees and 99 cent coffee.
Blow him bubblegum kisses from the passenger seat,
And kiss his lips while he drives us along the open highway.
I've only felt comfortable cradled in the arms of a lonely older man,
Whose bed has been empty on one side for years,
As if he had been waiting forever to meet me.
Light of his life, fire of his *****.
So young, I'll never learn.
I would die for them.
However wrong it may be,
However much I crave a long lasting, true love.
This kind of love will always be my favorite.

I can't even write anything about you,
You're such a ******* it hurts my head too much
To write words that are strung together so sweetly,
Giving perfect metaphors of the things that remind me of you
Like spoiled food, deflated birthday balloons, decaying bodies.
"I'm so sorry, I know you're mad. I'll do anything."
How about you get some counseling and go **** yourself?
No, Really.
There's definitely something wrong up there
In your small dense brain,
Attatched to your spineless disgusting self.
I know you're probably constantly on here,
Checking to see if I've written a beautiful, heartfelt piece about you.
How's this one? you're pathetic.

In the flashes of heaven's light
In the hallway of my complex
The look in your eyes
Releasing a flight of butterflies
Into the pit of my stomach
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the sleepy dawn's break
In the highlight of my night
I feel you in my chest
Like a soft song on the radio
With the volume turned all the way up
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the soft cotton sheets upon my bed,
In the spaces between my mind, body, and soul
I can taste you on my tongue
Like sweet raspberry jam
On a hot summer morning
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

Lips like candy floss,
Soft, sugary, and sweet
I was just this city to you
But you were the whole world to me.

I lay on my pillow
I reflect on it again and again
Trying to forget
But you're stuck in my head.

Can't move on any further
I'm stuck in one place
Stuck in my mind
Stuck on your face.

How you looked when you laughed
How you looked when you were sad
How you wrote down observations
In your pocket notepad.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

The world doesn't feel real
Like a million of us could fit in a measuring cup
So make something good,
Something sweet.
All the odds and ends adding up to something,
Something that could be beautiful when it ends.
Even though I feel so lost,
I know I have it all together.
Little pieces like a puzzle,
I just can't figure out where they belong.
The wisdom will come to me,
I know it.
Through a cloud, the universe or age.
It'll all be alright.
Someone kiss me through the night.
While I hold a few bottles of wine in my young hands.
Someone hold me till I can think straight,
Someone hold me until I am whole.
I'm finally a real person,
I'm finally alive.

Too much ******,
I had to be your heroine,
But I knew I could never save you.

You were suppressed of all your emotions,
The real ones at least.
Telling me lies all the time,
I couldn't trust you anymore.

When you fall asleep with me, you don't keep me warm.
Just a skinny, little shell of a beautiful body
That I miss so much.

Track marks down your arms,
Like little bits of hell.
I feel them and kiss them while you sleep,
Because I love you, I love you so dearly.
I know one day morning I'll wake up and you won't be there.
A long, long battle you stopped fighting forever ago will finally be lost.
You took your last breath, and I wasn't awake for it,
I was dreaming too deeply that when I awoke, things would be different.

I couldn't be your ******, and I couldn't be your heroine either.

Dragging me out the doorway,
Couldn't ever open my mouth,
I always embarrassed you.

I was pulling myself apart from you,
I was no longer just your daughter,
I was Erin, mostly Air, and sometimes, I was Holly.

I felt your icy breath down my neck,
Breathing down insults you would later retract,
Always giving me direction I didn't need,
Orders,
How I ought to conduct myself.

I didn't need it.

Pulling my arm
"We're Leaving."

Let me go
Let me go
Let me go

It's weird when people you knew die.
Especially when you're young.
I'm not terribly upset though,
Death doesn't hit me like it used to, I've sort of become adjusted.
But sometimes I think:
I'll never run into them at the grocery store and catch up a bit,
They will never get married to the love of their life,
Or have children,
But I might.
By the time I am dying,
They will barely be but a memory
Deep in the brain of someone who knew them 60 years ago,
Someone like me.
How strange.

I can see the face,
Hear the voice,
But It's all in my head.
I'll never see or hear it again.

I envision you in your Sunday best
Taking off my clothes in my tiny one bedroom apartment.
Just enough space for you and me.
Kissing my neck and moving down my torso,
Down to my heart shaped box.
But I'm stuck here alone,
Just for now.
Touching myself,
I like it so rough.
pretending it's you,
You,
You,
Oh my god, yes you.
I want you so bad right now.
I can see you in my head,
My breathing gets so quick,
I crave your touch every second,
I can't be satisfied.
Give me what I want.

I'm starting to get distant again, it's scaring me.
But what's scaring me most is that I'm okay with it.
I'm sitting in my hole of depression and am no longer struggling to climb out.
I've accepted that this is my life.
A big cloud over my head, but this won't last forever.
It gets better.
The sun will come out and shine upon my hair,
Like a new life, the one I had forgotten how to live.
For the first time, in a long time, I will be happy again.
But I'll always be stuck in my hole, unable to escape.
I know the clouds will come back, they always do.

I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others.
But not in the way of if I go to college, my job, my relationships.
I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others with my looks.

I hate being talked about to others by people who love me.
Giving strangers some sick twisted idea that I'm some sweet, beautiful girl.
People who love you tend to forget about the not so pretty things, the not good enough things.
But I don't forget them.

Because the second I am introduced,
I can see it in their eyes,
Maybe I'm imagining it,
But I can't see past it,
They look disappointed.
So let down.
"I thought she'd be thinner...and more beautiful...oh my god look at her thighs!"
I can see it in your eyes.
In the back of your mind, I know you're thinking this.
You were led to believe I'm something greater than what's in front of you.
I'm crushed.
It's my fault,
I'm sorry.

Shouting like a siren in the back of your mind,
In the back of your yesterdays.

I understood well,
My place in your heart,
My place in your dresser drawers,
My place in your bed.
Shivering like the twigs on a cold winter morning, after a long heavy snow,
With wings gliding the surface of dead rose bushes,
A wish I might be granted if you'd give it to me.
Shaking your fist in the air,
You had just forgotten and now you've remembered me again after eight ******* years,
Your eyes still hungry to see my face light up in the passenger seat of your car,
Left alone for eternity by a stranger,
What a waste.
Looking up at the sky forever but I can't remember the phases of the moon,
You could never find me,
Disappeared like a cookie on the counter.

A Thursday is no day to sit inside and cry,
I'm fine.

Every beginning starts in its own lovely way,
Sometimes easily, a quick slip that leads the way without any effort,
And then there's the ones that take all the patience and faith you have in your being.

But both lead to the same place.
And that's where I always get stuck.

In between here and there,
Between the start and finish,
Left without real directions
Except for the thought

Where do we go from here?

And that's as far as I get every time,
While I sit and watch the beginning fade like it never even happened.

I heard once,
Actually, on several occasions,
That our hearts are as big as our fists.

And I believe there could be a love,
Somewhere,
That is untouched by age, time, looks...

But I think how small my heart must be,
My tiny fist,
Not even suitable for my size,
And I'm unsure if this could ever be attainable,
Though my ***** size has nothing to do with my emotional capabilities.

Or maybe I'm wrong...

I'm constantly giving mixed signals.
I told him that I loved him,
That I missed him,
And that I needed space.

Pull him closer when he goes away,
And push him back once he's close.
I'm surprised he hasn't called me on it yet.

I've got him in the palm of my hand to either hold him next to my heart
Or forget until it's convienent.

Sometimes I catch myself so sunk in his thoughts and his smile,
And other times he's just another pulse in the room.

He gets so torn up and keeps running back.
They say you hate the sin but love the sinner,
And I think that's how this is.
He doesn't understand me and is dangerously intrigued.

I can't tell if it's all in my head or all in my heart.
They give me mixed signals, and I give them to him.

Plunging under the surface,
Swallowing water I won't cough up.
Choking underneath.

The sun beams down onto the surface,
It smiles at me, the most brilliant smile.

"I'm ready."

Reflections flicker like quick flashes of pictures
Of myself as a small child,
Carving pumpkins on the kitchen floor with my mother.
Snorting and laughing,
"Mommy, you're so funny!"
This is all I can think of.

The trees look down on me, disappointed, I can see it.
They wave goodbye to me in the warm summer breeze,
So full of life.

"I'm ready."

The pain in my chest is slowly disappearing.
My head is full of endless possibilities, but no remorse.
I'm surrounded by a glimmer, circling my body.
It's so happy, it's dancing for me.

"I'm ready."

And I can't see anymore,
I am just left with my final thoughts.
But I know in my soul,
It will be beautiful, wherever it is.
Whenever I get there, sooner or later.
A blast of sun shining through my broken spirit.

**"I'm ready."

I listened to the album we used to listen to for the first time in years.
Hard to admit, but my eyes burned a little
Trying to hold tears back.
I can still remember the smell of your car,
A mixture of those tree shaped fresheners
Cherry, new car, pine
And cigarettes that "weren't yours"

"You can shut it down, down, down..."
This was my favorite song, I think it was yours too.
This is the one that brings it all back.

These lyrics were stupid and sounded forced,
But we gave them some meaning, I suppose.
I hadn't listened to them since the day that you left
I think the CD was still in your car when they brought to the junk yard.
It all happened too soon.

It's weird.

In high school you feel invincible.
And I know that everyone says that but I didn't realize until after.
We didn't have any plans for the future and we didn't care,
All of us.
We thought things would stay good forever.
And then nothing was the same.
All we really have left are our memories,
Not even the CD survived.

Haha.

You can't go around loving girls like me.
Too young,
Too outspoken,
Too wild,
Too free.
A big heart under fake *****,
Size DD.
I smile so big,
Pour my man some sweet tea,
He can have whatever he wants,
As long as he wants me.

Then I consider my options,
Think of what things could be,
I run away with my heart,
But always keep it on my sleeve.
Find myself in new arms, new beds, new dreams.
These men get lost in brains of girls like me.

I wanna say that I regret it,
But I'm where I wanna be,
Finally happy, finally serene.
So I hold onto him for the moment,
Until, once again, I need to be free,
Wish he could see you just can't love the girls like me.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February.
My head on his chest while he sleeps.
Hearing his sweet soul beat into my ear,
Chanting to me in a foreign language.
All the sugar and roses in the world could never be as sweet as my daddy.
I struck a chord in his heartstrings,
And he felt it real good.
I smiled, he laughed, I couldn't help myself.

I got him up to dance with me in the winter air,
But found myself on the verge of tears when the song neared its middle,
And couldn't figure out why.
But I cried, I cried, I cried.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February,
He knows me so well,
My god, he knows me.
He kisses my forehead,
And forgives me for the poison I have slipped him in between my words,
I'm sorry.
I hug his waist and rest my head once again.
I hear his breaths, long and slow,
While he slips back into his dreams,
And hopes I can't hurt his tender heart until he wakes.

Lay it down for my daddy  in the middle of February,
And hope we make it to March.

His hands,
His hands,
He didn't have the right hands.

They weren't shaped right,
They weren't the right size,
They didn't feel right pressed against my body.
His hands didn't cup my ******* with love.
They didn't look like those of a strong man.

I've dreamed of these hands since I was young,
And I don't know why.
I haven't been able to find the right ones.

The right touch,
The right grasp,
The right hands.

I can see the veins,
Pressing against the surface of his skin.
The small lines sprawled across his palms.
His fingers a certain length,
His knuckles a certain size.
His hands,
The right ones.

Man of my dreams,
Only in my dreams,
His hands in my heart,
His hands the right hands.

Boxes on the highway,
Going too fast to catch a glimpse of faces.
This is all I've ever known and still, I find it strange.
Drivers and passengers,
Living lives I know nothing about,
Though there is a possibility I have passed them before, at some point,
And this makes me think.
Everywhere I look:
Ahead.
To the side.
In my rear view mirror.
So many boxes on wheels,
Racing on a road carved out of nature,
Where the rock and trees still remain but don't catch many eyes anymore.
Small, big,
Four doors, Two.
With so many people,
Conversing with each other,
Or thinking to themselves,
And none of them thinking about this.

Their confusion was real.
His chief stating feathers swayed down his back,
While he laughed with the children,
And made sure they were always happy,
For they could do no wrong in his eyes.
He adored his leadership,
He raised his head proudly,
And smiled a gentle smile.
His people would never doubt him,
For he had led the longest.
But one day,
He threw his feathers into the river,
Said a solemn, short goodbye,
And walked down a trail of tears to join another tribe.
Nobody quite understood,
He was so happy, so loving,
The one to look up to,
But they never saw him again.

I fell asleep last night with her in my bed.
My Floridian princess,
Call her my Miami Vice.
She summons euphoria in a dystopia.
She makes me sing.
I find her so perfect when she lays there in her natural beauty.
So pure.
And find myself drawn to those lips,
even when shes dressed up in lace.
So much power, she scares me sometimes, I love her.
Just wanna hold her.
My baby.
The way she makes me melt,
Until I'm just liquid wax at the bottom of my favorite candle,
I couldn't compare to anything.
She kisses my lips, my cheeks and my third eye, ever so softly.
Then lingers around my head, and my bed for hours until she finally leaves.
While I sit and just miss her.

I feel like ****.
It's hitting me now.
Love doesn't last.
It doesn't last at all.
You can try all you want
But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.

What the **** does that mean?
What the **** does that mean?
It's not meant to work out?
What the **** does that even mean?

You spend years with someone and decide that's it for you.
You don't want to do it anymore.
You don't want to share a bed, or live together.
Or make love after a long day at work.
You'd rather be with someone new.
Start fresh with a stranger.
Why
Why
Why couldn't we have done it?
Why couldn't we have worked it out?
"It's not you, baby, it's me."
No it's me, baby, it's me.
What am i doing wrong?
Baby, tell me.
"I just don't feel the same as i used to."

And that's when it gets rough.
You pull a heart out of a chest and you can't stuff it back in.
You can't shove words back down your throat.
You can't change feelings.
Everybody thinks in love you can change their mind.
But once a mind is made up, it's not going to change.
It just feeds you words that make you want to curl up and disappear.
That make you feel so ******* stupid.
All the things I did for you,
All the time I spent on you,
All the love I gave you.

But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.