We were beautiful children
And we grew up so brave,
We were touched by death and heartbreaks but we stayed just the same.

We listen to jazz all night and drink red wine,
Find ourselves adventure to pass the time,
We don't talk much about the pain we've felt inside,
No more bumps in the road,
Just enjoying the ride.

Our love is too strong to carry weight of what's gone,
We find peace in the sun,
And the belief of being young.

Love of mine in the world,
We are one in the same,
You can laugh while you're crying and be childish when you lose games,
We are fine, we are okay,
We are in love,
And our children someday will be just like us.

Too much ******,
I had to be your heroine,
But I knew I could never save you.

You were suppressed of all your emotions,
The real ones at least.
Telling me lies all the time,
I couldn't trust you anymore.

When you fall asleep with me, you don't keep me warm.
Just a skinny, little shell of a beautiful body
That I miss so much.

Track marks down your arms,
Like little bits of hell.
I feel them and kiss them while you sleep,
Because I love you, I love you so dearly.
I know one day morning I'll wake up and you won't be there.
A long, long battle you stopped fighting forever ago will finally be lost.
You took your last breath, and I wasn't awake for it,
I was dreaming too deeply that when I awoke, things would be different.

I couldn't be your ******, and I couldn't be your heroine either.

His hands,
His hands,
He didn't have the right hands.

They weren't shaped right,
They weren't the right size,
They didn't feel right pressed against my body.
His hands didn't cup my ******* with love.
They didn't look like those of a strong man.

I've dreamed of these hands since I was young,
And I don't know why.
I haven't been able to find the right ones.

The right touch,
The right grasp,
The right hands.

I can see the veins,
Pressing against the surface of his skin.
The small lines sprawled across his palms.
His fingers a certain length,
His knuckles a certain size.
His hands,
The right ones.

Man of my dreams,
Only in my dreams,
His hands in my heart,
His hands the right hands.

We are not the same,
Always playing different games,
Thought I had it right the first time you ever said my name,
But you were impatient and unkind,
The surface hiding what's inside,
And baby, I don't want that.

I missed you last night when I walked down the streets,
Past the local bar we used to always meet,
Where you looked at me like art and lust radiated heat,
Now someone else has got me beat
And baby, I don't want that.

Laying in bed,
Thoughts littered my head,
While I was under someone else
And you were drunk alone again.
Wish we were a old film where you'd come running back,
But I've done all the running,
And baby, I don't want that.

It was October
He was inside me
I was crying.

Driving home at sunset,
I don't remember where I was coming from.
I keep seeing it, a brief image as I passed by,
A boy with a rusty old car,
parked on the side of the road,
Feeding the ducks in the pond small pieces of bread.  
I looked over for only a second and I don't know why but I felt so in love with him.
In my chest and in my stomach,
Like a thousand butterflies being released and  fluttering through my veins and circling my brain.
I just loved him so much and I'd never seen him before in my life.
I keep thinking about it again,
And again,
And again.
The boy feeding ducks and I just happened to pass by,
And I can't help but think that
Maybe I should have stopped to feed the ducks too.

Taking me out to dinner
See the story play out in your eyes,
Said you miss the way I'd lay in your lap,
When I'm not with other guys.

They feel different than you though,
It all tastes the same,
T hey get all tied together,
They're just faces and names.

But you got the lit cigarette out the window,
And words flooding books,
I think I'm getting too old to base love all on looks.

And so I fell asleep on your chest,
In the same car as times before,
Until I woke up to you sighing,
"I don't even know what we are anymore."

Words kept rolling off your tongue,
Escaping your lips,
Like you were holding in all night to tell me all of this.

Said we were always leaving,
Together and then parting ways,
But when would be the time we would both decide to stay?

Now would be my answer,
But you left me on open ends,
So I just paused and you stared at me,
"Babe, are we just friends?"

Luna, I bet you get this all the time
But Luna, you know I'm not like other guys
And Luna I think of you every time on the radio,
when its soft and slow.


Luna, I think I saw you in my dreams
'Cause Luna, you're all I hoped you could be
And Luna you're an angel sent from above,
Gift from god,
Goddess of love.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

Luna, I know this might be a lot
But Luna, you're the only thing I got
And Luna, you're all I see in my dreams at night,
You're my only hope, my guiding light.

Vous allumez ma vie plus que le soleil pourrait jamais

I can't help but believe
That you could be
The greatest love that I'll ever know.

I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others.
But not in the way of if I go to college, my job, my relationships.
I think one of my greatest fears is disappointing others with my looks.

I hate being talked about to others by people who love me.
Giving strangers some sick twisted idea that I'm some sweet, beautiful girl.
People who love you tend to forget about the not so pretty things, the not good enough things.
But I don't forget them.

Because the second I am introduced,
I can see it in their eyes,
Maybe I'm imagining it,
But I can't see past it,
They look disappointed.
So let down.
"I thought she'd be thinner...and more beautiful...oh my god look at her thighs!"
I can see it in your eyes.
In the back of your mind, I know you're thinking this.
You were led to believe I'm something greater than what's in front of you.
I'm crushed.
It's my fault,
I'm sorry.

Your sleepy eyes and broken smile,
Little messages on my voicemail box.

Your smashed guitar and nights binge drinking,
Smelled your fragrance in my sheets.

Unrewarding look, burned your toast,
So apathetic, let's just go down the street.

You're admiring bagels and counting the flavors,
Ripped jeans and leather boots.

I'm glad I'm not dead yet,
Infinite playlist and a song called 'Robbers'.

You spilled your coffee and smiled,
Horrible delivery of kind words.

Mr. Jim Beam,
He gets me,
On a Saturday night when I'm all alone, on the phone, he gets me.
He makes my chest feel warm
When he says, "darlin, I know today's been long."
Yeah, honey, it's been long.
He takes it slow,
His words flood through me like a steady pour,
Then he comes rushing in like a summer night storm.
He fills my head with dreams and soul
And I sing for him till I can't sing anymore.
Mr. Jim Beam,
Tonight it's just him and me.
I never  regret his company.
I'll probably call him tomorrow and the next day too.
He's so sweet, he loves me, he loves everything I do.
He's quick and loyal,
I know he'll always be there for me,
Just to see me smile, I'm his world and I know it.
Mr. Jim Beam and me,
The only thing in the future I can see,
Nights like this are all I'll ever need.
He's all I'll ever need.

You ever get that feeling when you're trying to look into snow as it's falling and you just get lost in where it's coming from and where it's going?

That's kinda how I feel when I look at you.

Babe called me Film Noir
Said my head was darker than onyx, ashes and ebony,
And I was soaking in a solace that was felt with my presence,
Like hot candle wax dripped down the spine.

Film Noir with more than fifty shades of grey,
And messages I liked to leave in his pants pocket
"God is Dead" to deepen his uncertainty of faith.
Merlot on my tongue like a mouthful of blood while I watch him unravel.

Babe called me Film Noir
Said I always felt like home,
Like home was hell and made you anxious and suicidal,
Like a door with nothing behind it.

Film Noir that was art and lovely and terrifying.
And appreciated for it's talent of deepening wounds that were thought to be already healed.
Then kissed them apologetically, stitching them closed,
But so insincere.

Maybe now he's my Film Noir,
So tragically ending our love.
Like broken china on the floor of the parlor,
So precious to look at, but unusable and a waste.
Till the day he took his life
Babe called me Film Noir.

I love you so much
Even when you sleep
And I can't hear your thoughts
And your mouth doesn't speak.

I love you so much
When you breath soft and slow
When you're driving and singing along to the radio.

I love you when you get so frustrated
And look as if you're going to cry
And you just sit down and look at me
Like I'm the best thing in your life.

I love you when you make me lunch on Sundays,
And lay with me in the sun,
Like two cats on the back porch,
I laugh and you come undone.

You're such a gentle soul
I don't know how you ended up here,
But I crave you all the time,
You subside all the sadness and fear.

You're an angel in the mortal world,
Too humble to ever let yourself see it's true,
You're the only one that can make me feel it,
And
I love you
I love you
I love you

Everything's a ******* lie,
I'm hollowed out and empty inside,
I don't regret it at all and that's the worst part,
I love the pain I feel when you **** with my heart.

I'm just a ***** in your car and a friend when you need me,
Use me up until you're  done, kiss my lips and then leave me,
I always do this to myself and it's no different than before,
My head kept begging me to stop but my heart kept wanting more.

I don't care if it hurts I just want it all,
I want the ****** but also the rise and the fall,
Ruin my soul and leave me broken,
But I'll keep my mouth shut,
The girl who's always soft spoken.

I envision you in your Sunday best
Taking off my clothes in my tiny one bedroom apartment.
Just enough space for you and me.
Kissing my neck and moving down my torso,
Down to my heart shaped box.
But I'm stuck here alone,
Just for now.
Touching myself,
I like it so rough.
pretending it's you,
You,
You,
Oh my god, yes you.
I want you so bad right now.
I can see you in my head,
My breathing gets so quick,
I crave your touch every second,
I can't be satisfied.
Give me what I want.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

Lips like candy floss,
Soft, sugary, and sweet
I was just this city to you
But you were the whole world to me.

I lay on my pillow
I reflect on it again and again
Trying to forget
But you're stuck in my head.

Can't move on any further
I'm stuck in one place
Stuck in my mind
Stuck on your face.

How you looked when you laughed
How you looked when you were sad
How you wrote down observations
In your pocket notepad.

It was almost a dream
I couldn't believe
You kissed me, then left
Like the shore and the sea.

We were up in the air,
Or it was love,
Maybe the heat rising as the night set into place.

In the parking lot that glowed with the moon reflecting on the cars,
He brushed the hair from my face with the tips of his fingers,
And cradled my head in his lap,
While Bright Eyes serenaded the night,
Kissing my tired eyes in the middle of all the songs.

I felt specks of lust in my heart,
But more of a sense of adoration,
Affection,
Which is rare for me,
The girl of stone.

I stopped thinking for a good three minutes about how I couldn't offer myself or even a part without the constant anxiety of possible loss,
How the words he would write in the morning love notes weren't always grammatically correct,
How earlier he grabbed my hand without knowing it held a coffee and led it to spill on my sleeve.

He buried small pecks in my hair,
Taking breaths of the floral scent still present from yesterday's washing.

I sat there in the humming of the car radio with a rapid heart beat,
And soon, a feeling of guilt.

"I don't deserve someone who is this good to me."
And while I couldn't think of the reasons why,
The statement stuck in my head,
Forcing me to sit up and stare out the midnight window as if I was expecting a familiar face to show on the other side.

Abruptly leaving was my only option before eating myself alive.
I drove the whole way home missing the eighteen goodnight kisses I ran away from,
And the brightly lit possibilities that hung from the stars.
All because I didn't think I deserved them.
But I did. And I do.

Wanna get to know you,
Feel you inside,
What's your favorite song?
I wanna know what your laugh is like.
Your face looks like the sky after the snow,
Your scent like the rain in a fully bloomed meadow,
I want you in the winter.
Baby, I want you in the winter.

We can wake up and make coffee,
Or maybe just sleep.
I can feel your spirit next to me and it flooding me with electricity,
You ever feel that way?
Well, maybe it's just me.
But I want you in the winter,
Baby I want you in the winter.

Because what is love without a little cold weather?
What is love without a little bite?
Keep me warm with the whiskey and your cigarette breath,
Keep me warm in the blankets of a soft pale moonlight,
The way you light me up like a million strands of tiny bulbs,
I want you in the winter,
Baby, I want you in the winter.

We have different thoughts when we lay awake at night,
You're worried about more alcohol,
I'm just trying to make you feel alright.

I have been trying to cradle your soul,
But it doesn't help it all,
Build you up to be bigger than me,
And you still feel small.

I have been waiting on nothing so it never arrives,
Falling asleep to neon lights through the curtains,
With tears in my eyes.

You said it yourself,
Timing is everything,
It's not just fate,
I'm always early and you're always late.

****
And you said it would be different,
That you were someone I could adore,
But it's all the same,
I give it all to you and end up torn.

What a shame.
What a shame.
Yeah, you were in the wrong
But I took the blame.

Dragging me out the doorway,
Couldn't ever open my mouth,
I always embarrassed you.

I was pulling myself apart from you,
I was no longer just your daughter,
I was Erin, mostly Air, and sometimes, I was Holly.

I felt your icy breath down my neck,
Breathing down insults you would later retract,
Always giving me direction I didn't need,
Orders,
How I ought to conduct myself.

I didn't need it.

Pulling my arm
"We're Leaving."

Let me go
Let me go
Let me go

I miss when you were a child you would pretend you were an airplane,
Spread your arms out and run across the backyard like it was the sky
And you were flying over the baseball parks and lake nearby,
Back when your shoes had Velcro straps because you couldn't tie them,
And you took naps every day so you would grow up tall and good.

I miss when you were a child and you weren't always so apprehensive,
You took chances and had faith in your yourself like a bird with its wings,
And tomorrow wasn't even considered
Because today there was so many things to see.
Back when that mushroom haircut wasn't your decision
And mom only allowed you to have sugar free lollipops after the doctors,

Yeah, I miss that so much.

I miss when you were a child.

I can't even write anything about you,
You're such a ******* it hurts my head too much
To write words that are strung together so sweetly,
Giving perfect metaphors of the things that remind me of you
Like spoiled food, deflated birthday balloons, decaying bodies.
"I'm so sorry, I know you're mad. I'll do anything."
How about you get some counseling and go **** yourself?
No, Really.
There's definitely something wrong up there
In your small dense brain,
Attatched to your spineless disgusting self.
I know you're probably constantly on here,
Checking to see if I've written a beautiful, heartfelt piece about you.
How's this one? you're pathetic.

I've been ****** since I can remember.
Falling into the arms, hearts and wallets of all the men in my life
Who were double my age, but made me happy and free,
However short of a time.
I even loved them without any money.
The ones that bring me to the gas station and gift me,
With cigarettes, slurpees and 99 cent coffee.
Blow him bubblegum kisses from the passenger seat,
And kiss his lips while he drives us along the open highway.
I've only felt comfortable cradled in the arms of a lonely older man,
Whose bed has been empty on one side for years,
As if he had been waiting forever to meet me.
Light of his life, fire of his *****.
So young, I'll never learn.
I would die for them.
However wrong it may be,
However much I crave a long lasting, true love.
This kind of love will always be my favorite.

The connections we have
******* I feel them in my bones
More than the spirits that haunt this house
Like the ghosts of Christmas.

I heard the voices last night
Saying I can do better
And you on the phone pushing me through
Yeah, I'll love you forever.

I ****** it all up,
I moved too fast.
I tried to be different,
innovative.

They got the college boys,
I got the older men,
And no luxury, just secrecy.
Secrets aren't exciting to me.

I wanted to attend the parties but I was two hundred miles away,
Ridden with anxiety,
Now it's a year later,
And I'm stuck in this routine,
Please help me.

I make art and I watch films and I make myself smile through pathetic realization.
When's the last time I went into the city?
Or someone set my heart on fire?
I don't know and it's killing me.

Where did I go wrong?
I keep asking myself over and over.
I can't find any adventure,
My friends barely exist outside of my own head.
I'm dying inside.

I keep waking up everyday just the same,
A little lonesome, a little pain,
But overall I'm okay.

I lost my job last week,
I've been getting by pretty fine.
All I have is my thoughts now to help slowly pass the time.
I'm trying to give myself a purpose,
Since I lost mine with my job,
And I can't answer the phone and say "good morning!"
Or talk to mike about his new dog.

But whatever.

That's what I keep saying.
When I keep thinking about hurting myself,
And I think "you're not that person anymore"
But maybe I am.
Maybe I am so much so I can't even rhyme about it because I'm dead ******* serious.
I'm wasting my life right now,
God, I am so ******* special and I'm wasting it.
And I fill all my voids with tattoos,
Soon I won't have anymore room,
I'll have to address and assess this situation sometime,
But I guess I'll wait till then,
Hopefully it's not too soon.

There I go rhyming again.
Looks like I'm okay after all.

I feel so much better,
On another planet, in another universe,
Not on the couch, after too much wine,
Or in the car, too high.
Watching all their faces,
Watching me,
Look at me,
Look at me.
I lack the the understanding of reality.
Chasing after the stars in the trees,
I am the grass, the flowers all smiling.
I am young but I am distant from the thoughts I was born into,
Just looking at them look at me.
Look at me,
Look at me.

Bury the satire under pillows and sheets,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?
I keep reading the stories of older women who will someday be me,
Why can't I see?
Why can't I see?
In the glasses I fill with wine,
In the rooms that smell of pine,
The cheek that's touching mine,
When will I be?
When will I be?
I am thinking all alone
Calling strangers on the phone
"Hey it's me. It's me. Hello?"
I am reaping what I've sown,
Why is this me?
Why is this me?

Tousled and tired,
She always said weird things after ***,
Always such great details about things I didn't care about,
But I still listened. Mostly.

She was a sparkling gem peeking out of the sheets,
Much thinner now than when we first met,
But her eyes still lit up like fairy lights in the dark.
Always warned me she didn't get attached or love anyone,
But she's a hard candy with a sweet liquid center.

I keep bringing the money back from the casino,
She keeps coming back to my front door,
Always gingerly kissing her forehead before we part ways, as if I love her.
But she's a little bit more than I bargained for.

Floating between heaven and hell,
In the middle of an ocean I've made for myself
I keep feeling so alone,
But that everyone is watching me,
That someone put me on the earth to study my tendencies.
To take me away if I’m not my best,
To teach me a lesson in the art of my death.


Is everything a sign?
Yeah.
And I'll feel when it's about to go wrong.
Like I didn't die in that accident because I bought those kids soda after prom.
And I won't die on the anniversary either,
Because on Friday I went to the club,
And I ran into that lady and thanked her for when she gave me a ride from the pub.


It's like I'm racing the clock and making excuses to be kind,
Because I feel like I have to, in order to survive.
To be polite?
No.
I don't care to be kind,
Well, I do, but I’m also scared I'm going to die.


Prematurely, way too early,
I didn't get to travel or see the world.
Maybe before I hop the plane I'll donate money to a local charity.
So I can have some peace of mind when I'm leaving the states,
That I'm not leaving the world yet,
That I'm in good grace.


Paranoid?
Yeah.
Yeah I'd say so.
But how many second chances until karma lets you go?

In the flashes of heaven's light
In the hallway of my complex
The look in your eyes
Releasing a flight of butterflies
Into the pit of my stomach
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the sleepy dawn's break
In the highlight of my night
I feel you in my chest
Like a soft song on the radio
With the volume turned all the way up
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

In the soft cotton sheets upon my bed,
In the spaces between my mind, body, and soul
I can taste you on my tongue
Like sweet raspberry jam
On a hot summer morning
I wanna undo you.
I wanna undo you.

I feel like ****.
It's hitting me now.
Love doesn't last.
It doesn't last at all.
You can try all you want
But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.

What the **** does that mean?
What the **** does that mean?
It's not meant to work out?
What the **** does that even mean?

You spend years with someone and decide that's it for you.
You don't want to do it anymore.
You don't want to share a bed, or live together.
Or make love after a long day at work.
You'd rather be with someone new.
Start fresh with a stranger.
Why
Why
Why couldn't we have done it?
Why couldn't we have worked it out?
"It's not you, baby, it's me."
No it's me, baby, it's me.
What am i doing wrong?
Baby, tell me.
"I just don't feel the same as i used to."

And that's when it gets rough.
You pull a heart out of a chest and you can't stuff it back in.
You can't shove words back down your throat.
You can't change feelings.
Everybody thinks in love you can change their mind.
But once a mind is made up, it's not going to change.
It just feeds you words that make you want to curl up and disappear.
That make you feel so ******* stupid.
All the things I did for you,
All the time I spent on you,
All the love I gave you.

But sometimes, it's not meant to work out.

I write a lot about being in the passenger seat,
In cars that are beat up,
Or sometimes they're luxe.
About soft linens and and duvets like winter's best angels,
About smoking Marlboro reds on front porch steps.
About cold and blank mornings.

I write a lot about coffee shops.
Looking out the window and watching passerby's,
Feeling the sonder seep into my bones,
About the ones who smile at me,
Those I don't know,
And those I eventually get to meet.

I write about falling in love,
Getting my heart broken,
*** with strange men,
Which was only one time.  
When I felt loss in my chest and got carried away.

And so I want you to feel me the way I feel all of these things that I can't help but be so obsessed with and I don't know why.

I'm constantly giving mixed signals.
I told him that I loved him,
That I missed him,
And that I needed space.

Pull him closer when he goes away,
And push him back once he's close.
I'm surprised he hasn't called me on it yet.

I've got him in the palm of my hand to either hold him next to my heart
Or forget until it's convienent.

Sometimes I catch myself so sunk in his thoughts and his smile,
And other times he's just another pulse in the room.

He gets so torn up and keeps running back.
They say you hate the sin but love the sinner,
And I think that's how this is.
He doesn't understand me and is dangerously intrigued.

I can't tell if it's all in my head or all in my heart.
They give me mixed signals, and I give them to him.

I see him in the driveway and my heart skips a wild beat,
That white van with navy writing I hardly get to see,
His soft cotton uniform, fresh and clean, just for me.
I just love a man in uniform.
I have a uniform of my own, I've been waiting all day for him to see me.
Lacy thigh highs barely peeking out of my favorite cherry print dress,
I like to be a lady.

When he steps through the door, I follow our normal routine.
A glass of lemonade, I just made it.
A sandwich, I'll make him one.
He seems so unknowing of the desire burning within me,
I'm not like this for just any man.
Of course, I won't instigate anything,
Just watch him from the couch as he works.
I could watch him all day.

I tell him things to make him laugh and he takes his time,
As I would expect,
I'm such good company.
I swallow everything he says like it's my last meal,
Sweet, silky, smooth, like chocolate.
He's so relaxed, yet focused on the task at hand,
And I love catching him look up at me while I walk around.

When he's finally done,
He collects his things and I thank him for his time and services.
Such a nice man, dealing with a woman like me all afternoon.
Just to fix the TV.

Her hair smelled of cigarettes and loneliness even while smothered in my affection,
And her eyes glazed over when she spoke to me for too long,
Like she was trying to pretend for me,
But I could always sense the progressive disconnect.
Her mouth smiled with sad eyes when I held her hand through town,
And I knew in my soul that our love was already dead,
But I still let her wander around my life like a ghost for months
Unable to bear the pain of reality.

Everything reminded me of her.
When I went to get coffee on Sunday mornings,
I thought of the time she kissed me for the first time,
The snow falling from the heavens,
The February wind breathing her hair over her face.
I thought of her when I skimmed over the newspaper,
The family circus comics I remembered she said she loved as a child,
Back when we were cocooned under the vast ocean of linens in my bed,
When she still loved me enough to laugh with me,
And her feet lay warm, entwined with mine,
Not so ******* cold.

I even thought of her when I was alone,
How much her eyes reminded me of melted milk chocolates,
All the weird facts she had memorized,
The way she always pecked me three times before going in for the ****,
The way we were so in love.

I am still in love.
We are not.
But we
were.

Give me a sense of normalcy
Back out on me when I feel weak,
Give me something I can work with
Take with me,
There's something strange about you always being in reach.
Take my pride in your hands and don't give it back when I'm breaking,
Keep sending me reminders of all the mistakes I've been making,
Too much kindness in your chest,
You give it all for the taking.
All the flowers and gestures can make me so confused,
I'm waiting on the moment when I'll find out I've been used,
You don't have it in your soul,
I can't see it in your eyes,
Give me a sense of normalcy and spill all the lies.
Burn me like a cigarette on the wrist,
It wouldn't be the first and I'm used to it,
Or you could keep me in love and never make me the same,
Give me a sense of normalcy,
Silence the echoes in my brain.

You're a selfish lover,
Waiting at the end of the bed.
Guess we're done,
You finished.

Felt something inside me that wasn't love,
Wasn't pleasure but warmth.
Here comes the uncertainty,
I need forty seven dollars even.

Taking a shower,
Trying to burn off the sins,
What an unfortunate event.
Stop taking off your shirt.

He said, "Tell them you love them"
But I don't know how,
The words never follow through,
Just always foaming at the mouth.
Like a dog in the heat,
But it's me in his sweater,
Give me one last change to try to get it together.

He said, "Try harder" to me,
But I don't know if I can,
All the pounding in my chest and the weight in my hands,
You know it's harder to be,
Something that which takes effort and time,
Something that'll resemble the girl in the back of your mind.

I'll be a whiskey and a fire,
A burst of burning light,
I'll be the dullness in old dresses
Or your cloudy starless night.

He said, "You need to relax"
And maybe he was right,
Maybe I was holding onto words too tight,
And I could fall into his dream,
And finally breathe,
Bend my bones into the beauty I knew he wanted me to be.

Plunging under the surface,
Swallowing water I won't cough up.
Choking underneath.

The sun beams down onto the surface,
It smiles at me, the most brilliant smile.

"I'm ready."

Reflections flicker like quick flashes of pictures
Of myself as a small child,
Carving pumpkins on the kitchen floor with my mother.
Snorting and laughing,
"Mommy, you're so funny!"
This is all I can think of.

The trees look down on me, disappointed, I can see it.
They wave goodbye to me in the warm summer breeze,
So full of life.

"I'm ready."

The pain in my chest is slowly disappearing.
My head is full of endless possibilities, but no remorse.
I'm surrounded by a glimmer, circling my body.
It's so happy, it's dancing for me.

"I'm ready."

And I can't see anymore,
I am just left with my final thoughts.
But I know in my soul,
It will be beautiful, wherever it is.
Whenever I get there, sooner or later.
A blast of sun shining through my broken spirit.

**"I'm ready."

So I keep asking myself why I keep trying to fight these battles
I know I have already lost,
And never looking forward enough to recognize the cost.
When this had been a train with no stops to let myself recover,
And I was constantly leaving my imprint in the thoughts of all the others.
I was trying to heal without letting it cross my mind,
Of the time I was touched and the choice wasn't mine.
I kept building all my relationships on vanity and lust
When I realized there wasn't anyone left I could trust.
Maybe I needed to grow up a little,
Gain some self respect back,
Stop smoking cigarettes and drinking six packs.
Maybe it was my fault and I miscalculated my moves,
And I was a pawn in chess and he was a black shadow in the corner of the room.
I wish I could've told someone earlier,
Rebuild the barriers that were crossed,
I just keep asking myself why I keep trying to fight these battles
I know I have already lost.

Lately I've been going in strange directions,
I've been going about this all wrong,
And I don't think there was a right way either, but maybe something better.
There's always something better.
I've been counting out all the options and the faults and their placements,
I've been looking in store windows and staring at all the faces I see when I walk down the city streets at night,
I'm just trying to find a way to make this right
How do I make it right?
How do I make it right?
And these nightmares eat my brain when I sleep,
I'm paranoid someone is watching me,
And they know I've been trying to make this right,
When there is no right,
Time to give up the fight?

You're not gonna find it in a few hundred text messages,
Or on the phone singing sweet songs you've written from your head,
I know it's hard, to be alone.
To take months of nights and sleep on your own,

But there's nothing worse than tricking yourself into think you've got the best when you've haven't met it yet.

You can put new faces on the bodies of ghosts and lay in bed like you've got what it takes,
To make amends with the beat in your chest,
Not think about all the mistakes that you've made.

Cover up the scars with tattoos,
Horseshoe giving all its luck to you,
Deep down you know it's not true,
Fall for the boys with same **** attitude.

Nobody can find you if you're blending right in,
Always laughing at the bad jokes,
Always trying to make a win.
You're a cheap trick always down for the sin,
But they don't know just where you've been.

Take them home into your unwashed sheets,
Fall under facade and fill your needs.

It's been drifting through the halls like a breeze sneaking through the window again.
I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

She came in through the door with Merlot stained teeth,
Speaking soft cries for the past in a high pitched voice for a few moments on the phone,
"Remember the first time I told you I loved you?"
"But we were different then."
And man on the other line,
I remembered who he was, with his thick rimmed glasses and bright blue eyes,
Stole the heart of my sister and a bit of her soul,
Now he just gives her a few minutes of his time as a small reminder.

I myself felt unwell.

My chest still felt swollen in a message from a match strike of a love,
Delivered by friends nonchalantly on the couch.
I drowned him in my aura
And set his heart on fire,
Too fast and too soon,
And it broke his heart too.

I'm trying to let it be nothing,
Take it out of myself like loose change in my pockets.
Let it be the nothing like it really almost was.

I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February.
My head on his chest while he sleeps.
Hearing his sweet soul beat into my ear,
Chanting to me in a foreign language.
All the sugar and roses in the world could never be as sweet as my daddy.
I struck a chord in his heartstrings,
And he felt it real good.
I smiled, he laughed, I couldn't help myself.

I got him up to dance with me in the winter air,
But found myself on the verge of tears when the song neared its middle,
And couldn't figure out why.
But I cried, I cried, I cried.

Lay it down for my daddy in the middle of February,
He knows me so well,
My god, he knows me.
He kisses my forehead,
And forgives me for the poison I have slipped him in between my words,
I'm sorry.
I hug his waist and rest my head once again.
I hear his breaths, long and slow,
While he slips back into his dreams,
And hopes I can't hurt his tender heart until he wakes.

Lay it down for my daddy  in the middle of February,
And hope we make it to March.

He said he respected me too much
too take a conversation in unwanted directions
And I didn't try to argue with that.
He was the only guy who ever told me he respected me enough to treat me like the lady I was,
And not just a woman's body,
Or almost nothing
Which made me both happy but sad,
That in my twenty years, he was the only one to think of me as more than just a stupid girl.

For right now, it's just longing,
With a false sense of hope.
For right now, it's hoping the spring will be able to salvage what little winter left in us.

The grounds were still frozen when you passed,
So ashes you are now,
Into the air like heavy smoke,
with no stone to remember your name.
But we will.

For right now, it's trying to make the best out of the worst,
Parties at your house are unsettling,
8 pm without drunk karaoke,
No cowboys hats,
Just the echo of Mr. Johnny Cash.

For right now, it's pretending.
That loss hasn't made its way into our daily routine,
And memories haven't cluttered into every few thoughts.
Maybe we'll feel better in another six months,
Or not,
I don't really know.