I am sorry, my dear, for everything.
I did not know I could still feel,
this good, this bad,
and all that jazz.
Maybe just human, after all,
twisted and tortured.

You are the prize, and the punishment,
“Guilty!” I plea, guilty as charged.
Like Icarus I fell in love with the sun,
like him I flew too high,
like his, my wings were cut,
and I fall, fall, fall...

I see the rocks as I hit the ground,
my bones and heart are ripped apart.
I cannot fix myself,
In pain I scream the only cure,
your name!
How pathetic, how dreary.

What place do I have in this world
filled with lies and cruelty.
I don't want to be evil,
I feel that I am empty.

How can I love,
when my love died so long ago?
And all that was good in me,
died with it.

How will you make me believe
there is yet some hope?
How can I even bleed,
when all my blood is gone!

Every time I try to reach
out of my own shadow,
I get burn by the light,
like a vampire
******* on someone else's life
and I am done!

No!
There is no cure,
or hope!
I am already dead,
just alive.
I am a broken mirror,
with the shattered glass.

Silence.
Silence in my heart.
Because you were there
and now it's empty.
Hold me,
please, hold me...

It's endless,
It was gone,
now it's back,
scratching chambers of my heart,
digging holes in my soul.
It's a game over.

No more lives left.
I want to live
no more.
All the choices I made,
it's all ending today.
Game over.

I remember the day
we met the first time.
You shined like sun,
with your beautiful smile.
I knew I was in for a ride
and we started to fly.

Caroline,
you fueled my life
like gasoline.
With sparkles in your eyes,
you lit me up.
Now I am burning down.
God, I am burning out.

I don't know when we started,
but I know we were
falling down.
We were so closed
and yet we split apart,
tearing our hearts!

For God's sake,
Caroline!
Now I am so weak,
that I weep,
when I say your name,
Caroline!

So, do you hate me now?
Because I know, I can't.

I had become
empty space
between lines of your life.
Something you don't mind
skipping.

I don't know what to write,
but you know what?
We can both pretend
I don't exist.
I'm done.

I need to **** myself inside.
Just drinking this bottle to be sterilized.
Feels great not to feel.
To be completely numb.

I am all ****** up inside.
God, I need someone to ****.
Just a complete stranger.
No strings attached.

Am I drunk enough?
Good, lets get this started right now!
Don't really care if blonde or brown.
I think I see her smoking at the bar.

"Hello, princess!
What a pretty dress!"
(and awesome *******,
8 out of 10, I guess)

"Did someone ever told you
how beautiful your eyes are?
Bright and yet so dark,
like streetlights at night."

Her tongue touched her lips,
another shot of absinth,
lets get some ***** mixed in,
wrecked, like I've never been.

"Boy, you know how to play the game,
lets have a smoke outside" and we went,
half insane with lust, bit afraid.
Drowning in stupidity of youth.

We smoked ***, cigars,
talked about gods, religion,
wars, crimes, lies,
electric chair, death...

Trials, nights, dreams,
our bodies touched,
nightmares, blues, insanity,
we ******.

Right there,
behind someone's car,
under the stars,
screaming in ecstasy.

Like in some surrealistic film,
went into a public toilet,
the smell of **** and ****,
the smell of her filterless cigarettes...

We went to my place,
wanting to **** again,
and again, and again,
endlessly, until we die or faint.

Her naked, trembling, sweating body,
graced by night, graced by all saints.
I scratched her back, bite her neck,
inside, she's all wet.

We danced like mad,
hearts beating fast,
dissolving into each other,
taking the final breath.

The last hug of love,
that never existed,
last kiss in the dark,
and I will leave you there.

I woke up, vomiting.
Feeling so cold, dead.
Took a shower to wash it all away.
All, the memories, kisses and sins.

Counting the scratches,
remembering wild flashes
of yesterday's coma,
tears, tearing heart.

Last night,
fire was burning bright,
but like the cigarette's ash
we fall apart.

There will be no calls,
no pretentious drama of love,
no fading away back into the night,
No nothing, get lost!

I'm just a heap of flesh,
caged in a madhouse,
executed, electrified,
spitting in the face of God
in white suit,
dancing with Satan.

Seduced and sedated,
chained to my bed.
Hallucinating heaven,
hiding from hell,
and the seraphs strike again
with a fiery blade.

Down on my knees I fell,
breaking my own back
to become “human,”
soulless, faceless, thoughtless.
Without brain, insane,
I transcend.

Imprinting soul in these walls,
painted with blood.
With nails writing on doors
stories of past.
Where are they taking me?
No! Just stop!

Fourteen attempts of death
was not enough
to get me out.
They chained my mind
to this prison of dark
'till death do us part.

Long night winter cold,
it only gets worse as I get old.
Woken up by my own scream,
why do I die in my own dreams?

Why do pills taste so sour?
Why can't I sleep more than hour?
Why it feels this will devour
my last piece of sanity?

Why my mind gets dark at night?
Why my body feels so tight?
Who cut these scars into my thighs?
Am I awake or is it dream?

But what is real?
Just another lie
we tell and believe
it will be alright.

Nightmares kiss you goodnight.

I'm so ******* unhappy
and I wish somebody could sit here
and tell me tomorrow will be better
but truthfully
I've been through so many tomorrows
and so many last nights
that no matter how many pretty words they whisper
nothing will change.
So close your eyes, my love, and I promise you
nothing will change.
And I'll keep walking slower
and not listening
because I've got nowhere to be and nothing to hear
in this god forsaken, obscurely dark world.

More words will not help me
in curing my insanity,
they had become so empty.
I'm in a maze with no exit.

You were the hand holding my pen,
It's over, don't bother with pity.
My life is held by a few paper clips
and you still think that's what I wanted.

Go away!
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.
I'm not OK.