I am now without a muse,
Apply for the position.
What colour are your eyes?
Are you to be my newest addiction?

Is your hair long,
curly, coloured fawn?
Or is it straight and dark,
to match your mysterious heart?

Will you mock the movies,
and teasingly hint at dates?
Or will you be serious,
Emotion, and humour behind closed gates?

Will you hide behind smiles
and laugh like no one's watching?
Or will you simply do nothing
For already, my attention, you are catching.

Whoever you may be,
I couldn't care less.
Just hurry up and materialize
So in poems I may confess.

Because I think my muse
may truly be a thought
The idea of love, it is.
My experience is nought.

if water was made to taste sweet
and pure and fluid in motion
then why do I look in your eyes
and see a most stormy ocean
where boats do sink
and love is but a barren
island, almost swallowed by
the waves of self loathing.
Where boats do sink,
and lonely travellers need no hope
because they all think
that you are enough.
Your minutes sustain them,
like sand running through
their fingertips till
they're done with you.
And boats do sink
before they wash ashore
you cast out an anchor
but they want more
And so you remain, an island
untouched
your love is barren,
you are not enough.

my head is mess
of thoughts that i dress
with an over the top
scheming smile

my head is a mess
with thoughts, i confess
that nothings as it seems
at least for a while

my head is a mess
and though it is less
appreciated for it's
beauty

my head is a mess
of my thoughts that i dress
with lies, i wish
you could see right through me.

When you're not around,
I feel weighted
Like I can barely hold myself up
looking in the mirror.

I feel average,
morose,
usually easily pleased with everything i see
now angered,
ill minded.

It's like I'm bitter,
that I'm not hanging around your
over boyish charm,
your know-it-all attitude,
your breathy voice (especially when it's my name on your lips)
your teasing antics,
your gorgeous smile

and oh god,
does it make me fall apart

I've never had this feeling
Never lost something I never had
Never had a heartbreak
Where I didn't hand him my heart
It's genuinely a baffling feeling

I don't want him,
Because I can't have him,
it's simple.
He's not mine to have,
not a single other way about it.

But somehow,
despite all his flaws,
despite mine,
despite my own raging objections,
When the lightnings striking,
the winds are howling,
and he's just staring at me,
light hitting his eyes and smiling,
I want him.

I'm not familiar with this feeling,
this ache,
this warmth,
the longing

lying in bed,
stretching my hands out,
reaching,
searching,
wishing
for his

If I am sad I'll let you know
through no eye contact and smiles

They often say I'm a contradiction
and it used to be worth the while

But now I guess it's just too much
for too little return.

The effort made on either side,
too much to ever learn

Hold my hand through no mans land
where innocent soldiers lie
buried beneath, their last words
bequeathed upon you
To live and let die

Follow me here, where nothing is dear
and all is a harrowing black.
Stumble around til you fall to the
Ground and slip through
the narrowest cracks.

Come with me, and you'll soon see
this world is yours for the taking,
but all you will find is human husks
lined with the scent of
a billion hearts breaking.

Line by line,
Stroke by stroke,
It is high time I wrote this note.

This arrangement of letters
to words on a page
To explain why from this world I disengage.

To explain how I felt when you held my hand
And how it was from the moment we ran.
But we started too late and now here I am
Writing this note with the very same hand.

Truth be told, I hope no one ever sees
The note on which I have diseased
with my poisonous thoughts.
Perhaps I should leave.

But what kind of friend leaves without a note?
No piece of paper on which they have wrote
A note excusing why this is what they chose?

But what does it matter if I even try,
At any given moment, we all live or die.
And if that makes you sad, go ahead. Go on, cry.
A note with an excuse, is a note with a lie.

Maybe I deserve this.
Maybe I am the overlooked one
And maybe I ****** up the whole dynamic
I wasn't supposed to be the stoner
The smoker
The "borderline alcoholic"
I wasn't supposed to **** away my money
Or drop out
I was supposed to finish things
Because I'm smarter and I'm supposed to have learned from your mistakes mistakes, mistakes.
I'd you're worried about him then fine.
He's a drug addict and always has been
But lucky him hes invincible and smart and hell sober up well in time before he starts something that will ruin him.
The first one is going fine, he's got a stable job, and life, and ego.
Second one is the fixer, same **** and less ego. He'll pick us all up when we fall.
Maybe you do see what I'm trying and failing to hide
And you talk and worry about me like you talk and worry about them.
But why do I get the short end of the stick?
The one who truly ****** up you leave alone
Yet its me you scream at
Its me you can't seem to cut a break
I don't know what to do
I keep trying to ask for help
I'm just so ******* lost
So instead I turn to this newly acquired taste of liqour and nicotine
To dull this incessant noise in my head
And it ******* helps more than you do.

Some people say change comes from within
that if you want to change, you will.
Some people say that change
comes with the rain.
That we don't have a choice in the matter,
that mother nature decides when, where, and how
we wash away who we were
and replace it with an entirely new
picture.
I feel as though I'm at the whim of
something I don't even understand.
That nothing is ever the same for
two mornings.
my days are like snowflakes,
completely unique of each other,
yet my evenings are always the same.
I'm never who I was,
and I'm always becoming.
Waiting for that moment where I find
"The Real Me(TM)"
The rain is coming,
and there's no where to run,
so again my little chalk outline is washed away,
to be replaced again with
a new picture.

Dragging your hand up my thigh,
Stopping before it becomes indecent,
A sideways glance to you, and yep.
You’re wearing a sly smile.

I continue to type, and watch my show,
While you’re putting one on for the lads across the room.
Stop it I whisper
You couldn’t care less

Your head hits my shoulder,
Our hands intertwined,
Just one of mine sits there lonely

I long to put the other one atop yours, to stroke your cheek.
But that would turn a friend into something else entirely,
We’re not ready for that yet..

Only in these moments,
I feel like there’s more.
Only in these moments,
I love you.

Paint me with new colours,
wipe away my dreams,
Take off all my clothes
undo me at the seams
Take out all my stuffing,
replace with feather down
sprinkle in some personality
but don't let me drown
make me the ideal
puppet on a string
make it so that I
don't feel anything
Sew me right back up
and paint on me, a smile
Make it so it doesn't wear off
at least not for a while

It's almost as if
I change like my hair

Smiling
faces
in a
Forced
“Candid”
Polaroid.

I keep
You
In my
wallet.
Immortalised
At 16
Years
Old.

Remind me of a haunting past
so shallow, here you creep.
At night when I have drawn the curtains
laid down my head to sleep.
And here it is, when I close me eyes
is when I first hear your peep
the ever haunting, traumatised
the scarring on your soul is too deep.

I hear your voice, it carries
through the caverns of my heart
The places left untouched, unsettled
unmasked by your own dark
You strike a match to light ablaze
a fire, not yet burnt
but by the time it's out, I'm betting
you'll have learnt

I'm not a soul to be played with
I feel all too intensely
The emotions that I carry are a hazard
A tornado of these thoughts
that I feel so immensely

I love you but it's time
to let you be at peace.
I no longer hope you realize
for my love's begun to cease.

~

I want to say I trusted you,
But the truth is, I never did.
You fed me lies, and alibis,
And behind them, you and I hid.

~

She snuck around and collided with He's heart
and then left as quickly as She came,
Funny how the beginning can mirror the end,
It was the same.

Just softer


But He did not forget that one and final collision.


And neither did I

I want to be super popular
I want to have lots of friends
I want to have flowy hair
With no pesky split ends
I want to be a superstar
Like no ones ever seen
I want to have the whitest teeth
That actually hurt when they gleam
I want to be super thin
Like a model starved for the runway
I want to have bigger lips
Like I’ve eaten a six inch subway
I want to have a small personality
That everyone can enjoy
I want to be the sorta girl
Who would never be a toy
I want to be kind and smart
And treated kind of nicely
Because I’d be the kind of person
You’d actually want to treat nicely.
I guess I drew the short straw in this life
A girl who’s completely opposite
But if I ever become this blessed girl
I’ll know that I’ll have earnt it.

I'm drowning myself,
Anchoring myself to the bottom of the sea.
I've tethered myself to misery, and I could easily slip from the rope
I could easily free myself from the shipwreck of my life
But I'll just take the easy path
And tighten the knot
No longer straining to be free,
Rather yearning to be another lost soul
Sleeping with the fishes

You should’ve told me that you weren’t gonna wait
You should’ve told me that I was too late
And I ask you if it’s alright if we share all our demons while we lay together tonight

I’m telling you how I feel but you’re not listening
And I’m showing you where my heart is, but you’re not looking at me
Smoke and mirrors, making it clear (for me)
Smoke and mirrors, I’m sorry that I can see
You

You’re saying all the right things, like you could do no wrong
You’re telling me the right things, leading me on.

Tell me about your boyfriend, write in on my wall.
Tell me about your secrets, because I know them all

I’m telling you how I feel but you’re not listening
And I’m showing you where my heart is, but you’re not looking at me
Smoke and mirrors, making it clear (for me)
Smoke and mirrors, I’m sorry that I can see
You