Drowning my antidepressant with a cup of tea, waiting for sleep to overtake me.
I've learn to ignore the begging of my stomach, I only have enough energy to feed one *****, and my heart is screaming for attention.
"If you take these pills you'll get out of bed" One pill two pills three pills four.
I'm out of bed and on the floor, crying silent tears.
"If you take these pills you'll worry less"
One pill two pills three pills four.
No weary thoughts cross my mind,
I'm indulged in sleep that seems to be the reason why.
Isn't this medicine supposed to keep me out of bed?
"If you take these pills you'll learn self harm isn't the answer"
One pill two pills three pills four.
I haven't binged in a week, I've been too busy with a panic attack spree.
If this isn't self harm then its self sabotage.
"If you take these pills you may have some side effects"
One pill two pills three pills- a
years supply later.
My face is stained with tears.
That seems to be the only thing I feel.
I think I'm done.
Or so I wish it was done.
I take four green pills.
I'm addicted and scared.
I reach for more by force of habit,
Before I finish I'm consumed by darkness.
...
No I didn't overdose on anti psychotics,
but i've had my last dose of self pity.
Diagnosed, but not cured.
Enough with the pills.
Enough with these journal entries, and pitiful pep talks.
Enough with self indulgence.
I'm ill, not dead.
Sixteen years lived,
Two years defining me as anxious and depressed.
Its 2016 I call this "The Awakening"
If you fight for your sanity your drug intake won't define you.
One pill two pills three-
Who's counting?
Medication and therapy can help but ultimately it's up to you to get better. The scary things is it's not a demon nor a shadow it's all in your head. You didn't choose to have this disorder but you can choose to fight it.