The thought of food alone
Sends a shiver through me
My inability to fathom
How such compost could be fuel
The sight of people eating
Makes my stomach grow weak
Filling me with nausea
A hollow sort of ache in my chest
My heart pounding in my ears
Cold sweat trickling down my back
Feeble bones aching for rest

A dim candle flickers,
In moments lost, and dreams deferred,
Life's tapestry frayed, colors blurred,

In this darkness.

Large orbs spinning around us
Doing triple and quadruple pirouettes
Withholding a power of such magnitude
We couldn't begin to envision
The dark clouds obscuring our vision
Preventing us from seeing through this mist
Past the rainy clouds and dark ages
Pieces of the past that were misplaced
Like a deck of shuffled tarot cards in my mind
Blocking us from looking towards the future
A place we didn't know existed
We sat uneasy and silent like lost ghosts
Beneath prison walls built by our very own hands
Curious lights hiding behind glass eyes
Glowing a painful sort of unseen ray
Spewing words unknown to man kind
Whispering secrets lost to our ears and humanity
Burning holes through my eyelids
Casting shadows on my battered heart
Cursing wailing begging for exile
From this physical form of fear and terror
Such are the things we look at
But not see for we dare not acknowledge
Despite their ever prominent presence

I starred,
more through you than at you.
My eyes,
vacant as a desert.

You took,
my hand and whispered in.
My ears,
its alright it'll be fine.

I tried,
to come back to the present.
To you,
me and everything real.

But still,
I linger in between.
A place,
None can fathom or see.

There are no stars in the night sky today
On days like this u wonder if you are there
Maybe without that's why I can't find them
Were you like those hidden stars in the dark sky
Is that why we don't connect on days like this
Where have you gone when you hide away
When I look up and realise the sky's empty
I think maybe that's why you're not there too

15:50

They cannot know we exist; we do not possess a mind of our own beyond this shared conscience or have the ability to make choices beyond the variables they've anticipated.

16:29

Even if everything lies in the one choice
It's all just a show for them.

16:54
            
You need to go and I need to stop questioning the possibilities.
We are just an infinitesimal chance of being.

16:57       There's someone here I can't talk

17:35
            
There was someone at the door but it wasn't the right person. I know you heard someone talking to "me", but that wasn't really me you heard. And it wasn't the right someone who should've been there, because they've been removed and replaced/(replicated).

.

The barren hall echoes
When my heavy feet falls
Knuckles stained white
From the dust on the walls
Silence was never louder
Than this endless void
Not a single strain of light
Running through the darkness
Only clouds of dirt
Swept up by my wake
My veins run green and blue
Below my battered skin
My limbs are black and blue
From my endless abuse
The misuse of power
Over my clueless ghost

****** child
It's time you grew up
Make that banal choice
You could be a *****
**** them wrinkled *****
Or be a ******* man
Welcome to the real world
Be it a fever be it cancer
No one gives a ****

This is life

Cold in the brightest days
Shivering in the dark
My bones ached as I moved
Too tired to move on
I have gone too far to give up
After all this is just it
We just amount to this much
What more could I ask
Lost in this skin coated skeleton
Buried beneath daydreams
Lost in my minds warped fantasies

You don't want to believe, or admit it is true because if you stay ignorant and in denial, there's just a tiny possibility a sliver of hope that it wouldn't be.

I did not realise it at first but the using, it increases, consumes more and more of your time, rather drastically I would dare say. Before you know it the lines turn to blur and your life as you know has become a turbulent sleep wake cycle of chasing rabbits in the sky, in a drug induced trance of sorts. All things magnified and twisted, yet null and absent; for the lack of ability to make lasting new memories. The pain & Joy's of forgetting, the forgotten, unsure if I want to recall.

I'm so confused
What is the truth
Why are people blinded by their scars
Why do we hide behind our past
Denying each situation
Hiding in the lies our past told
Leaving the pain to mark our present
Why does hatred run so deep
We can't find it to forgive
Even the dearest of kin
What is the meaning
Of life on the darkness
What is the reason to live on
When it's still yesterday

That night the stars aligned
You forgot to catch them
As we gazed into each others eyes
Lost in this benign affection
Your eyes filled my heart
With whispered empty promises
My decisions leaving you baffled
As the pouring rain in your door step

17:24      If everything was stripped down to the core, where only the essence would remain.
We would've taken out the unnecessaries (others like myself)
The core of all, like the spine of a book; the core of the earth where gravitational force decreases linearly, visible yet intangible , uncorrupted...  

17:53       We are not who we think we are or the people we know ourselves to be; we are but a mere shadow, a shell of our former selves. Like oil spills and chemical waste; pollutants lying in our customized puddle of ignorance, that doesn't make us any more innocent. Doesn't absolve us of our guilt.

18:04       We will be in touch.

No music, no sound, no scream
Could justify the magnitude;
Slice through or overcome this storm.
You held the power, the love,
Strong enough to lift me
From the edge of a cliff;
To pull me out of the ocean
Back to a land where I stood alone.

Once upon, not too long ago
You had that bit of faith
That I needed, to ground me:
Hold my broken parts close
Steady my crumbling walls
Keep my world from falling apart.
Overwhelm this oppression;
A breath of fresh air amidst smoke.

There are so many beautiful things in the world
Yet we only have two hands and one heart
How do I hold onto you without losing others
I looked for answers everywhere you went
I looked to see if you hid the answers from me
So you could have me as none other than your own
Naively forgetting how much you hurt me
With your beating heart you held me too tightly
Even when I couldn't catch my breath I loved you

Catchy phrases
Sketchy places
People passing through
The same tunnel
I sit in my bubble

Coursing through my veins
Not blood but sadness
An unknown substance
So bleak and strong
It cannot be tamed

I become less
Smoke in an empty shell
Down lower than sorrow
Embracing the pain
Weeping for tomorrow

My head hurts
Hearts beating like it wants out
From my ribs
It's cages
Even the pills can't stop
The incessant chatter
In my overcrowded mind
I want to scream
To claw at my face
Rip my disfigured body apart
I feel caged up
Just like my heart
I'm a prisoner
Of my mind mine no more

The first day is harsh
I haven't found my way out of the marsh
to the ocean
The sand covers my feet now 
Yet I'm alone.
I remember none that has happened
sleeping painfully
All those emotions I believed
Now where am I? 
I'm stranded, alone
Days turn to weeks, months to years
How long have I been
Am I even alive?
If this is my punishment
What is my fate
My blood was red
Now it turns blue.
I was happy
When I thought of you
I barely remember a face
A smell, a touch.
I miss my family, I miss my face
I can't see them
they think I've vanished without a trace...

its Magically tragic...

The silence ringing in my ears
Pleas from my silicone heart
An empty shell acting as a machine
Holding too many responsibilities
Too much for her to bare
Resulting in countless errors
Systems malfunctioning
I just want to be loved
To be held in your arms
To have you ruffle my hair
Tell me everything will be better
What's wrong with being a child

The agony of being buried in your own grave
The terror of losing those you've not lost
The melancholy of being different the odd
We lost our direction and our compass
Leaving our minds to wander the darkness
Trembling alone in this turmoil of anguish
The pain the fear the endless disasters

How could it be
I just didn't understand
How can someone
Stay so innocent
After seeing so much
How can someone
So seemingly nice
Contain so much hate
How can someone
with so much life
Die so silently
Life slipping through
My very fingertips
Me not acknowledging

14:39    

Time passes slower in this version of life, so I can understand why it seems like forever since we spoke, but really it's just yesterday for you. Seems like what feels like months have passed for me, years maybe.

Maybe.

What's your poison?
Love or hate
*** or drugs
Facts or dreams
Starvation or hunger
Madness or control
Innocence or sin

I dare you to ask yourself.

it could be anything
Or

E. V. E. R. Y. T. H. I. N. G.

Unable to take away
The differences between
Separating semi from whole
Lest two become one
As a whole creating a hole
Ripped apart like limbs
Off a rag dolls frayed ends
Raging fire racing thoughts
Sped through unmarked territories
Parched land scorching with
A touch by the sun

Things unsaid done
What I did didn't
Same changes
I've been molten
Glossy marble
Framing vision
Dusty guesses
Fixed unbroken
The way I see
Seems fitting
Don't have long
I'm okay

Perhaps there's no perfect
Time cut short
Who's isn't
Nothing's truly okay

The street lights were so bright
I couldn't find my star anymore
Under those artificial lights
I fell into the embrace of darkness
Dreaming of a time you found me
Dancing alone to the music
Those lyrics only heard in my ears
You walked away not looking back

They say there is really nothing wrong
But then why do I feel this way
If it is all just a matter of willpower
Why can't I overcome
Why can't I just snap out of it
Maybe they are wrong
But maybe I am

People deny my memories
I don't remember anything they said
The confusion is getting to me
I don't know who to believe
I forgot where reality ends and lies began

The stars aligned
I teared for their presence
In this hateful world
This never ending nightmare

The silence ranged
In my choking windpipe
I tried to scream
That tumultuous hurricane

The darkness reigned
I embraced their sarcasm
Insults rained down
This is my downfall

My demise

coming back
a dark place
beckons

i crawl back
into your cradle
tarnished silver

flickering flames
and our ghosts

Not sure what to do
What to say
How to act
With you around
Without you
The imagined need
The real want
The impossible battle
Between two lies
Two lives
Two choices

Twinkle twinkle little glass
you've turned my life into dust
saving up to pay my debts
or perhaps to get another set

Twinkle twinkle little glass
crushed into a powdery dust
fill a glass and bring a light
fly us to another high

Its almost been a year
and yet I'm still unsure
of the possibility
of a life of sobriety

with each passing day
the cravings coddle
my sweaty and jittery palms
the restless hopeless mind