The urges and thoughts
toy with my heart
my mind collapsing in
what feels like slow motion

Old habits revitalized
like a dying need
to **** in a breath
after my soul being
bound and *****

A torturous nightmare
intertwined with the shadow
of truth and surrealness

Funny how trauma can forever
stain the mind with so many
shades of colors from the
darkest of blacks to hauntingly white

My quiet hell from the past
where self-sabotage, fear
and delusional trust collide

Deciding to live resiliently
I stride forward while fighting this endless silent war,
to reclaim my sense of self-worth

Putting my heart on paper
I know I am alive

Think about what in 
life makes you the
happiest you can be

Follow the stepping stones
don't shy away from
what you know makes you come alive
and rejuvenated with love, purpose, and passion

And keep it close to your heart
because nobody can take
that away from you

These neverending
thoughts unravel me
limb by limb
by chaos confusion
alone and loss

I keep erasing the steps
I'd already taken
my mind numb
and taken over

I walk this path
jumping from one
emotion-stepping stone to another
existing as a lost cause

The further I play
this game called time
the missing piece
my life's embedded
into me only grows deeper

Intertwined with who I was
breaking her down
to renew my inner being

I shed myself clean of you
piece by piece
cell per cell
getting down to the root of you

These pages I fill
won't ever be enough
a timeless span of confusion
and temporary hurt

All that's happened
all that will be will
only keep me going
kindling my heart and soul

If you told me years ago that I would get married
only to get left in a year, and left alone
to pick up the shattered pieces of my soul

I would have laughed and wondered
who would ever want to actually marry
such a broken-minded person like myself

Back then I didn't know I still
had to work on myself
to fail in love and in life
only to regain my broken,yet more than capable, wings

I can now look back and see
that I have renewed most of my internal scars
I am on my way, aiming high
with an even stronger heart

Life won't ever be perfect constantly,
and setbacks and hurdles will appear,
but we all eventually learn to grow and
teach ourselves to embrace all that comes

Cherish the times of love and happiness
no matter small those moments are in everyday life
since everything is temporary and
time is indeed precious
Always give, and never forget to love

The beautifulest thing about a broken past
is that the present can't be brighter than it already is
because despite the hallow-hearted days,
I let myself shine as I embraced all 
of myself, the old and the new

Found and cherished friendships of gold
miraculously reunited with true love
 after losing it before

I may still be a little bruised here and there,
I may fall down every now and then,
but I'm alive, and I can finally see that
I will forever keep going

Without warning
the past envelopes my senses
distorted and reconfigured
all still deeply ingrained
when I least expect it to be

These moments make me
realize I'd failed to be human
failed to heal
and I'm terrified
this'll never leave

I can never forget your silhouette
that night and what you'd started
these scars I bare share more
than just stories of you

But as long as I'm breathing
this war within myself
will continue to be fought

Cascading down
from the skies
your sense of care
deeply resontes

Time has opened doors
from our insecurities
and onward

Emotions of awe and serenity
soul-stirs my core
and yet I build up these walls
secretly hoping someone
gently breaks them down
with utmost patience

I can't help but wonder if
you feel the same
and perhaps we are unity
destined to intertwine

Sending a wish up into
the stars above
I appreciate all that's between us
and all that may be

Drawn to words and thoughts
I want what's underneath the skin
vulnerability, anxiety
fears and desires

Giving all of who I am in return
plastering naivety and hope
replacing what once was skin

Blinded by hope
heart becoming infected 
by this merciful truth
like an illness life's stitched into me

Hurt and narcissism 
concoct incurable fears
I'm here as I am
living amongst
the soft and
dark-hearted

Every blue moon
memories of you

You'd dismantled
my soul and expect me
to let go so I have
and yet I'm still damaged
beyond repair

I hope you can forgive me
for never being able to
dig a grave deep enough
to forget your soul-distorting
touches and lies

My heart will remain naive
and refuse to see
this inner reality of a world
you'd help me create,
decorated by self inflicted wounds,
where I'll always feel misplaced

I'm no longer human
or so I feel
doused in feelings that cant
tell themselves apart

A heart of purity
soaked in inhumanity
once its been ignited
by the unforseen
flames of insensitivity
and ignorance

I'm a concoction of emotions
digging my own grave

I back away from desired eyes
to avoid the shame and hurt
when my core's been exposed

Will this cycle of
remaining a prisoner 
of my own heart
ever come to an end

Perhaps I wasn't 
meant to be loved at all
but beautifully resilient 
on my own

I feel so alone
isolated from my own
mind and heart

Two beings at constant war 
I just want to feel normal
despite knowing I'd never be

A battle I'd forever be a part of
and I'm simply petrified
an ache in my heart
that'll never be mended

But I will love myself
most of all, cherish those I love
give every cell of my being 
to the few of those who truly see me, 
love me, and accept me
in all that I am and ever can be

Seeping through
freedom with just a blink of an eye
wipsing through the air
up into the sky
becoming one with the clouds above

Birds circling around the
invisible aura of light
that this universe beholds

Enchanted by this lullaby
of simplicity
it soothes my core
in knowing it's all right
to be where I am right now

One leaf at a time
we'll turn it
at our own pace

Reminding ourselves
that we aren't alone

A moment of silence
a shadow in the back of my mind
I don't think I can get away for good this time

Out of the blue
she comes back
it comes back
like it never left
as if its telling me
I am it
and it is me

A part of me is grateful
another part of me is in despair
I didn't think it still
would have a tight hold of me
after all these years

When will it end
would I even want it to end
when will I be free from it

Or is this thing alone
already a sign of me being free 
a sign that life is meant to go on
no matter how happy
or unwell I'd forever be

The burning desire
to live, grow,
and flourish just as you are

Let that guide you,
being your own protector
and advocate,
far into the horizon

Where the
shadows dissipate
and dreams come to life

Feelings of you
created by you
swirl within my heart

And all I can feel is
wholehearted trust for you
and within myself

It feels as if the past
has been shattered into oblivion
nothing else truly matters
but to give all I have to you
I vow to give you every part of me
heart and soul
concocted into who I am

A person still shackled to her past,
but also a person full of compassion and awe,
she’d set your world alight.

You’ve giving me the courage to trust again
and how you make me feel—
this trust I have for you
may forever be ineffable

I guess in the end, it is true
that mastering the mind takes
maybe a lifetime

But even this is alright
because what's important is
this time we take to grow and
be generous to ourselves

We deserve the love
we give too easily,
so willingly,
once trust feels like
it's been formed,
back to ourselves

In fact, we may deserve it the most
but this is difficult to see
or understand
since we are all far too used
to giving more to others
than to ourselves

If only people knew
that we all carried the same fears,
the fear of being
disliked or rejected,
that we all just want to
have a sense of belonging

Maybe then, this world we live in
wouldn't have to feel so beak
or like its always against us at times

I sabotage myself
because of all this hurt
because I fear no one
will love me ever again

And if they do
it will only be temporary
they will view me as
a burden eventually

I am only a stepping stone for others
who don’t want to
get to know the real
vulnerable yet selfless me

All I hope
is for a better beginning
in the long run

Hands shaking from fear
my heart silently shattering

He only loved me and meant well
he cared for me and cherished me
yet I'm still shellshocked
at how we lost everything

Why he kept it from me
why he thought that doing so
meant protecting me

I will never feel free from this
I will always second guess myself
and what love is

I'd give it my all again
if I could turn back time
and embrace him as he is
I'd do all I can to remind myself
he still prioritizes me
and how I should be thankful

My body still shakes
as I write and I recall
all the things I could have been
and should have been and done for him

I regret but I know I shouldn't
this had to happen
to save us both in the long run

He had to stop loving me
for a good reason
he needed to save himself
and I am just glad he did

In return I thank him
for making me resilient
in the long run

No matter how much I want to trust
and love again
I feel as if I’m simply
damaged beyond repair
I gave my all

And as if I was merely some shadow
I felt unwanted and unseen
jealousy among other insecurities
the sense of losing everything

All I could do was either believe
everything would be okay
or withdraw from everyone I knew
including myself

I never knew love could
leave such a mark of self-hate and disgust
of terror and disorientation
about what love meant

I fear being loved again
but crave it
gaining the courage to trust
myself to trust again
is like walking on eggshells

Claiming my self worth and love
has gotten me far
yet this permanent fear
in my mind and heart
has already made a home

I don't expect them to sympathize 
I know how twisted it sounds
yet for me
it was my savior 
from the start

From the beginning 
of when I lost myself
when he took me away from myself
when I had nothing else to let go 
or nothing else to willing give away

He broke me
every time I saw him
I lost another part of myself
just when I thought 
he'd already taken everything I had away

This ongoing struggle will forever remain
but as humans
we all suffer
and gradually
we thrive from it
it slowly builds up
a stronger sense of self
using the pain
to create a brighter future

You took away so much
and left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you
engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell
for others to dig into

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you
I’m still a slave to you
I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself
for wanting to be close to you

You'll have me dead
before I can bring
your unspeakable actions
into the light

I crawl back into the darkness
where nothing can touch me
only the depths of my mind
where seeds of mistrust and longing 
which I plant subconsciously out of caustic fear 
simultaneously start to fester and grow

Struggling to understand
what I'd fight for
who I'd suffer for
never wanting to be forsaken again 
left with a heart that's 
only been distorted with time

Holding iridescent speckles of light 
of my future in my heart
I face life with ambition

You gently take my hand
as you pull me out of the misery
that I so blinded created on my own

You took me in
embraced me
and scared away the dark

You saw who I was 
and came into my life
a godsend
from above
yet so much more

You somehow helped me find myself
a person I never thought I knew
existed within me

You're forever 
my blessing

All that lies within me
this shell of a being
a lonely girl

Trapped in invisible strings
 of self-hate 
and misguidance
only having herself 
as the candle of hope

Lost at sea
it seems every time I let someone in
every time I give my heart
full of hope away
so willingly
yet so blindly
I start all over 
from the beginning

The pain starts to set in
like wildfire
it courses through
my veins like silk

Slowly it eats away 
at my heart
at my sanity

And I lie alone
in the cold darkness
that I call home

Still learning the ropes
of how to survive
how to love myself
and keep my heart protected
while secretly longing for new love
to embrace me as I am

And yet, to guide me through
this treacherous storm
through fields of
lavender and ashes

Staying hopeful
I cling onto what I'd always have
my sense of self
and a heartfelt desire

And ever so slowly
I take another step forward
holding my heart in my hands
longing to be cherished again

Alone but not
when others fail to treat you well
and when you suffer from demons within

You rely on those demons
to come and save you
all over again
a concept I believe
others without demons 
can ever comprehend

Because people can't be trusted
because I'm too ingenuous to see
overly kind and take their side
instead of my own

In my hearts eyes
it's crystal clear 
that I can't always be accepted
who would
but my demons do
so why seek love

Anyone would see me as insane
but I chose to be this way
because I'm done 
burdening others that fall for me
I should be fine on my own

I try to do what I can
to remain resilient
and composed

But deep down
I'm crying
to be seen

To be loved
and embraced
to be valued
and wanted

All I wish
is for that one heart
to collide with mine

And savour all that is
in this world
piece by piece
moment by moment
and never again be forsaken

My heart feels like
it's about to shut down
from all the truths
that only I know

People view me
as kind
selfless
heartfelt
with empathy

Yet once they witness
my darker side
this inner demon
that is always
a few steps behind me

Once they see
the ashes and smeared blood
tainted within my mind and heart

I am once again alone
alone to pick up the pieces 
of a love that never was

I want out
I need out
this plague in my mind

How it takes over all of me
to a point where nothing
else exists of me

I am darkness
I feel nothing
I only sense death 
so close
it's almost comforting

I am so scared to live this life alone
but this is what I get for having 
a mind so corrupted
a soul so lost

I won't always be able to change 
in every way people need me to change

I wish I had the courage to live fully
I wish I had the courage to end it all

Whereas my soul
is smothered in
thick ashes from my past

The only way to move on
is to survive while 
dying to take my final breath

A blinding light enters a room
alighting her as a whole
feeling as if it's meant to be

She tries to hold the light
into the palm of her hands
as it seeps through
silently, like water

She holds the lingering
touch of it
close to her chest
as she hears a little voice

Her inner child
sending her words of comfort
to heal the wounds
from her past

She too now knows
that nothing can harm them
together they will overcome

The voice whispers into her soul
she feels her heart aglow
"Stay with me", she says
she didn't want to break this spell

Her soul speaking
feeling reassured
knowing that time will come

Their time will come
and it will never be too far

I wish I had
the selflessness
the courage
to face death
the one that I'd predicted years from now

I want to run from it all
from my thoughts
that keep me in chains

From the misery that is 
my constant companion

How many relationships
will it take for me to see
that I am forever alone

When will I realize
that I am
to a point
unlovable
when all I 
really want 
is to be seen
and cherished

Can there be a deadline to living
when all you know about yourself
could never be truly accepted by your loved ones

When all others see you as 
is a piece of meat
to devour
or a soul 
to shatter for their own
twisted entertainment 

Too many nights
I've wished for death to take me
but every morning I lie awake
overcoming the shadows 
of fear and insecurity

But it will never be over

A dysfunctional
victim of her own mind
embracing her self and life
one minute
disposing all that she is
the next

When will this come to an end 
when will I stop living
so everlasting sleep 
can save me
from all that I am

I just want to disappear
yet I long to truly be seen
and embraced

Security is what I crave
and words that
allow me to express
my deepest needs,
my darkest fears,
and unfathomable longings

Enveloped by frisson
as certain words
seep, like silk
into my veins
and there
lies everlasting
serenity 
all that I am

Why am I so capable
of destroying myself
in ways that most
can never understand

A constant reminder
I give myself
that I am nothing
yet something

My heart expands
as vast as the sky
I only long
for the that one person
who would decipher my every motions
when insecure
who'd value my every flaws
and scars on my skin

I pray for the night to take me away
knowing all I meet
is better off without me
intruding their lives

I long for that special someone
To take me away from myself
to resurrect me
from all that I am
all that I carry

This constant war
against my mind and heart

I feel it gradually
engulfing my sanity
piece by piece

I feel insanely vulnerable
just by recalling your figure
 in the darkness

By hearing your voice 
all over again
reliving the life-threatening 
fear that rushed in 
and out of my heart

It was the first
and last time
I'd ever sense 
time has stopped

My soul froze
and still remains 
how you left it that night

You may have forever 
shaped and scarred me
but I haven't lost myself

Finding ourselves
is truly an uphill journey
but one we’re always destined to take
no matter your age
or where you are in life

Find gratitude
in obstacles  
in every miracle
no matter how
big or small

Nothing really lasts
Even a fraction of a second
can end as soon as it came

No love can last
None strong enough to endure
The madness that burrows
Itself deep within me

Unfixable
Unforgivable

I am nothing
But a mere shadow
Of existence

Seeking love
In all the
dangerous places

Nothing lasts
Not love
Not I

All that remains is
This illness
That carries me
That will always carry me

It gives me love
a feeling of being wanted 
and accepted

I guess its 
turned my brain

A never-ending 
war I never
want to forsake

Liar whispered
her soul

You feel a part of you chip away
shh, don't say a word
don't let anyone see
this is our little secret

Every time
every second
always longing
for a way out

To stop feeling
his haunting words
his sickening touch

Pressing down
her mind too corrupted
to let her breathe

Nowhere else
to turn
but inwards

Deep
and safe
inside her mind

A world of
self destructive love
Her only way out
never giving up

She comes to play with me again
tempting me
sharing secrets
that no one else can see

I fight to move on
yet I stay
embracing her comfort
I take her hand blindingly

Reminiscing
on how she never left me 
from the start
she took me in

As absurd as it seems
she makes me feel whole
loved
accepted

I fight to stay alive
I fight
hoping 
for a brighter beginning

We weren't meant to ever be together
years of wasted love and time together
only adding fuel to the flames

I've only been pushed further down
into my imaginary world I call home

Where love and kindness can't embrace me
where loneliness is my queen
and misery is my mistress

Colors of emotions
form into the ocean
so vast
dark
its depth immense

The hallow eyes
of a lost and broken child
waiting for a sign
a sliver of hope

Beckoning for a reason
to let her heart stay
while at the same time
knowing nothing will ever change
what's affected her

How the truth
can't be erased

Taking a deep shaky breath
she lets the darkness swallow her
in hopes of finding the light
that seemed so far out of reach

A vulnerable feeling
An entity lost at sea

Alone in the dark
Wishing for something
Someone to claim it as their own

To nurture it with love
To accept it as it really is-
Its true form of never ending sorrow

It affects me to my very core
And because it's a part of me
As I've accepted it to be

I know I affect those around me
Those who care for me deeply

When it and I are both stuck
Glued to our inner world of inner tragedy and loss

A time for self-reflection
To be one with it
And for it to be one with me

See it as a hurting child
Longing for unconditional love
Aching to be held in a loving embrace

And once I do
All I sense is serenity

I only need to nurture it
As I, its host,
Gives it a home to sleep in

Flower petals drift into the stream
stars fall from the sky
as they light up the earth

So close to my heart
I remember the day we first met

Your warmth
your love
your presence flows in and out of me

And like silk you slip away in to the distance
the wind taking you freely into the skies

I long to be with you again
I long to hear your voice
be in your loving embrace once more

You are the light
that always shines brightly
when I'm lost in the dark

Please don't ever change

I feel the rush of existance
it once brought me so long ago
I long to feel alive again
to have the fleeting moment of ecstasy

I tap into my soul
it starts to unfold
as I let it take me there

Everything is lost
and yet emotions are strong

As I let my sanity
wander into oblivion
I am sold

I sell myself to all that lies within me-
emptiness, lust, desire, longings
of needing to feel wanted and alive

I slide another blade down my skin
as red pours over me
I let myself feel soothed
and stay in the stillness I call home

I know
without a doubt
that you'll never leave me

She finds herself trapped
as a wave of darkness
swallows her whole

Thoughts of suicide 
thoughts of intimacy 
race through her mind

Nothing can penetrate her 
for she is untouchable
when in darkness

And yet, feeling trapped
within herself
she longs to be touched

She wishes someone
would help her
find her true self
within the solitude solace gives her

That someone is herself
slowly
gradually
she chips herself away

And painstakingly
she emerges from her shell
anew