You took away so much
left me in the dark
without anyone to trust
or any hope to hold on to

You broke me down
and the belief you'd engraved within me
changed me completely

As a person I was nothing
just an empty shell for others to
dig into
to break me down even further

I’m still feeling my way
through the darkness of you

You slated me with your actions and words
I’m still a slave to you

I love you
and yet I fear you

You’re my living nightmare
and I hate myself for
wanting to be close to you

You’ll never let me free will you
you’ll have me dead
before I can bring your
unspeakable actions
into the light

Naked and alone
I keep myself here
Where he placed me
So long ago

I'm keeping myself here
Because it feels like it's the
only thing I've ever known
The one thing he silently
taught me through his actions

I can't seem to undo
all that he did
Emotionally and
psychologically
He trapped me
within myself

What will it take for
me to feel free
What will it take for
me to just give in

Why did he have
to hurt me

A  twist in my story
created by an unspeakable act

He touched her
and in an instant
he chipped away a piece of her

Self-blame and self-hate
consumed her entirely

Her whole world was bleeding out
all her hurt and unstable emotions
being able to feel alive was everything to her

And despite fearing touch
she craved it at the same time
still a never-ending struggle

Forever bearing a heavy shadow
of doubt
insecurity
and a lost sense of self

I forgive him
but I can't undo the
damage within me
I can't erase these scars

His actions will
live within me
for as long as I'm alive

My reflection
A timeless masterpiece
Of distortion and ruin

My savior and destroyer
A way to feel present
And alive

A drop of madness
Mixed with salvation

Like ink smeared onto a page
We're fused together
A collage that cant be broken

You take a breathe
Of what i exhale
You become all of me
You savor the emptiness
You plant within my mind

Ever so slowly
It grows
Darker and heavier

With every episode
It takes me away from myself

It steals my heart
And disfigures my thoughts

Every part of me is lost
A wish that could never be fulfilled
Only a star
Bound to implode

Words can empower us
It can break us and devour our hearts
Until we're cold as stone

Words
Poetry, fictional stories
are all lifelines to our souls

To help reconnect with each other
To heal the wounded and broken

We are reborn through words
both hurtful and heartfelt

I write to remind myself
That I am never alone
That I can make it through this
I can conquer my darkest fears and the lies

I will prevail

I'm a shard of glass
Splintered in to everyone's lives
Once I implode
Once depression swallows me whole

My mind goes blank
I feel nothing but emptiness
And acts of self harm
swarm inside my heart

When will I feel like I'm enough
When will it all cease to exist
When can I feel unshadowed
by this darkness

Words are what truly saved me
Despite all the harmful acts
I'd put upon myself

Written words became my voice
I couldn't vocalize

Words broke me down
And then recreated me

I will continue
to live and breathe words

You created my darkness
You created my sexuality

I'm stable
I'm uncontrollable
I'm a **** in disguise
What no one else can see

I'm a child
weeping to be heard

I'm a *******
Seeking vengeance
love
and acceptance

I know it's all in my head
The aftermath of the hurt you've made me endure
But I can't find a cure

I'm at an end
Nothing can save me

Alone
I'll forever feel alone

You look me in the eyes 
With a smile so reassuring
You tell me that everything is going to be all right

You hold me close
As my world slowly repairs itself
Turning from ashes to light

You feed my heart and soul
Reviving every cell in my being

You give me all that you have
To save me from myself
You make me whole

You cure me
You complete me

Unbareable feelings
Take me whole

I fear I cant go back
Where I feel at home

Once I'm there
There's no turning back

Im in ruins
As scorching memories
Bruise my mind

I fall
Into unbreakable silence

I fall for you
To please your every need

You linger inside me
Taking all that you can get
Until my mind and body
Succumb to your abuse
And break

And I am nothing

The sky is clear
And as dark as can be
I feel something tugging at my core
From beyond the stars

I rest my soul
And let it wander

It only pulls me deeper into myself
My deepest desires
My fears
Longings I thought I'd lost in time

She reaches out to me
I take her hand and
Ever so gently
She shows me the way into the light
Away from the darkness
I feel freedom sweep over me

All I want is to be here
Swaying with her and the stars
Circling all around us

I inhale bliss
And exhale passion

Time is stunned
And I'm finally at peace with myself

I'm where I belong
With words
And living this life

The shadows of the leaves
Carve soft markings
On the pavement 
 
Crisp autum air
Soothes all my worries
As they fade along with the wind
That blows through my hair

I see my breath in the cool air
And I know I'm alive
 
I want to be absorbed
In this moment of tranquility
 
The world around me
Almost seems surreal

And all I feel is a sense
Of belonging in my heart
 
That I'm in this moment
For a reason

Painting stories of hope
Courage and
Everlasting dreams

She’s back again
Climbs inside me
Like a virus
Just waiting
To be noticed

Blank-minded
Body-obsessed
And invisible

All I feel is you
In my head
In each cell

I draw you out
Like you’re my last resort
In knowing how it feels to be alive

Why can’t you stay away
I feel you come back for more
When I have nothing left to hold on to

Silence
It deafens my world

Numbness that engulfs me whole
I'm nothing but air
Which no one can see

I'm terrified of my own demons
They thrive
Without being seen

My heart
My mind
These demons are intertwined

As silence grows within me
I start to lose all sense
Of what it means to feel alive

Where am I
How can I feel
When all I see
And taste
Is complete darkness

You  hurt me
In more ways than one.

You have no shame
In knowing what you've done.

You threw me under the bus
To save your reputation.

You're  selfish
Sick
Narcissistic
Psychopathic.

I know you'll come back
For me one day
But you don't deserve to be
Forgiven a second time.

What you did will forever
Be engraved into my life
But I won't let it ruin me.

I need this moment
to fuel my heart

Take me away from
all my insecurities
and make me anew

Consumed in the shadows
I take the risk

Soaring
and weaving
into the unknown

And there
lies ingenious

Your words flow in and out of my mind
and goes straight into my heart

Time has stoped
and all I know
is that we were meant to be

Our silluettes
clashing with the sparks
we feel in our hearts

Stardusts
all iridescent
swirl around us
invisible to the naked eye

You will forever be the reason
why I've stayed alive.

It's been my teacher
and observer

A curse
a gift.

They say it’s better to fix it,
become fluent.

When in truth
the cure
is solely acceptance.

I’m slipping  through the cracks again.
But hope tells me to hold on

I wonder if someday
I can weave myself
in and out of my mind

Vivid images
still seared deep inside

Some days I wonder
if I was really meant to stay alive

Write write write
Write to breathe
Write to feel

Write to forget
Write to survive
the turmoil inside my mind

Write in order
to see the light
at the end of the tunnel again.

Music brings us together
We all lean on it
at times.

To feel understood
and heard.

Music and words
are all I'll ever need
to survive in this life.

Feeling is healing.

A familiar sense
of longing
and hopelessness.

I feel her reach
into my mind.

Discreetly twisting the neurones
making me lose all sense of control.

What I feel
is never what I see.

I feel distorted
and completely alone.

I’m my own barrier.

This invisible wall
that cannot be seen
or broken down.

My safe haven
My cell.

Falling in to myself again
I hear her call my name
I pray that she’d save me this time

She pulls me back in
every single time
She know’s I’m still fragile

I fall into her grasp
Hoping it’s the last time

This disease that carries me
Just may be the end of me.

How can I feel alive again.
I want to feel that belonging I felt
back then.

Time has passed
and without a trace
here I am again
standing alone in the dark.

My mind is bombarded
with too many questions
and doubts.

I wish to feel like myself again
I wish to feel free.

I long for the truth of why I exist.

In time
I hope these shattered pieces of confusion
within myself
will slowly start
mending itself back together.

Piece by piece.

These scars I cannot hide
from the world.
I’m still ashamed of them all.

But there’s nothing I can do
to change the fact that
I needed it to save me from myself.

They are shameful stories
itched deeply into my skin.

I was only human.

These wounds are my story
and how I overcame the worst.

Self love and acceptance.
I can do this.

We are all imperfectly perfect.

When you feel trapped in life
Look up at the sky
You’ll know you’re never truly alone.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who is feeling
the exact same way you are.

Somewhere out there
There’s somebody who cares.

Hugs
are silent cures

For mending hearts
and broken minds

When you can’t
find the words

Sometimes,
hugs speak
louder than
words.

At times
I feel
it's slowly eating me alive.

Sacrificing my sanity
in order to save other people's lives.

It's just a habit
I cannot break.

And a gift
I don't take for granted.

We breathe in
the air
that holds all our dreams.

And with every breath
we take
we are vitalized
once again.

My body is still stained
with the scent of you.

My mind is still affected
by your twisted words
and abuse.

Infected by your touch
and like glass
my body chips away at times.

You smile to yourself
knowing you just got
everything you wanted from me.

Now here I am
smiling to myself
knowing I have a far better life
than you ever will.

Your actions were brutal
but you will never keep me on the ground.

This stained glass heart
will never completely break.

The demons in my head
only fuel
my passion to write.

My safe haven
from everything
that sets me apart
from this life.

The one last thing
I have in my life
to save me from myself.

A single strand of hope
it lies within every one of us.

We only need to draw it out.
It’s hidden deep in our hearts
in the darkest places of our minds.

From the ashes
we can create aesthetic poetry.

Fragments
of abandoned dreams
swirl and slither
in between.

My mind
has been infected
and severed.

Temptation blinds me
and I fail
to see your objective.

For all I know
you may never truly leave.
You control me
you own me.

You've infected me
warped my  thoughts
and yet
I still let you in.

I’m lost
in the depths of confusion.

I can’t see
nor hear a sound.
My mind is in ruins.

I try to piece the thoughts back together.
But they are just lost
somewhere in the blinding darkness
of my cluttered mind.

I can’t utter a word.
Only silence escapes my lips
and engolfs me.

In hopes of healing
I write
until I feel the soothing sense of contentment
and release.

In fear
in chaos
and blinded
by the silence inside my head.

I long for words to slip through my lips
to make everything all right again.

This love I share with you.
This love I feel for you.
Without you,
I would have faded years ago.

You took me in
and nourished me with unconditional love.
You gave me the strength to see hope,
and showered me with your smiles and laughter.

You gave me so much that I never knew existed.
Words cannot express what I feel for you.

I need you to stay with me,
for without you,
I fear I'll sink back into the depths of my fearful acts.

I still struggle,
but I want to tell you that your love keeps me moving forward.
I hope you can understand what I'm feeling,
for this will never change.

I will never take our small moments for granted.
These memories are a reminder
of how lucky I am
to have found you.

You're forever the light in my life.

Take the plunge
face your fears.
And through doing so
underlying courage appears.

You saw right through me
the day we met.

And once again
I thought to myself
If this was going to be another meeting
that I would regret.

Although little did I know
that you were not like the others I've met
For you only showed me generosity and respect.

I will never forget the night we slept
you hold me close to your chest
embracing and consoling me as I wept.

Your love that you've given me
will always be cherished and kept.
I never knew that I'd deserve someone like you.

I promise you
that I can't be any happier.

Feeling lost and alone
feeling unloved and abandoned
You take the blade to your wrist one more time.

You lock yourself up in solitude.
Using the hurt
and replacing it with a sense of release.

I want to show you just how much you mean to me.
You are loved
and you always will be.

I want to guide you away from the depths of depression
I want to be there for you every day
every hour
every second.
Just to show you that you are thought of every waking moment.

You are never alone in this fight.
Let me be there for you to talk you out of suicide.

I want to show you all my love.
Reassure you that you don’t need to hurt yourself anymore.
I want to give you hope that this hell won't last forever.

You’re strong.
And in time,
I believe you will make it out of this hellhole.
You are really stronger than you think.

And even if you push me away,
my love for you will never change.

Baby steps.
It's okay to fall once in a while.
As long as you keep your eyes on the prize.
As long as you are determined
To get to where ever you want to go.

Just keep trying
And even if you falter
Just never give up.

Baby steps go a long way.

Even if you’re afraid,
it’s okay to take your time,
but you have to move forward.

Music
is always echoing
inside my heart.
Heavyhearted but on cloud nine.
My safe haven .

I drown myself in music.
To forget everything I feel.
I remember and feel nothing
but what i am hearing at this very moment.

I need to forget it all.
Forget the shame,
the pain,
the agony of it all.

Every line I step across.
I only burden myself.

Every friendship I make turns to ruins.

Every cut
Every blood dropped on to the pavement
was all for you.

You broke me.
And all their touches deformed my heart.

But here I am
Still alive.

These feelings still tie me down.
I’m only abusing myself,
by remembering it all once again.

It shouldn’t disturb me this much.
It’s been years since it all happened.

I just need to let it all go.
Let it all turn to ashes in the fire.
Let them burn out,
until they can’t hurt me anymore.

I need to free myself,
I’m a better person for all that’s happened.
Even the bad things in life
can turn into epiphany.

Life is unpredictable,
life is scary,
but maybe,
Life only wants us to grow and learn.
That even in the darkest times,
we can thrive and find meaning,
why we exist, find a purpose.

We only see the truth
hiding between the lines
after the storm.

A blinding light enters a room.
Alighting her as a whole.

Feeling as if it's meant to be.

She tries to hold the light into the palm of her hands.
It seeps through silently,
like water.

She holds the lingering touch of it
close to her chest

She hears a little voice
Her inner child.
Giving her words of comfort

To heal the wounds from her past.
She too, now knows
Nothing can harm them.

Together they will overcome.
The voice whispers into her soul

She feels her heart aglow.
"Stay with me", she says

She didn't want to break this spell
Her soul speaking.

Feeling reassured
Knowing that time will come.

Her time will come.
It will never be too far.

Sleep to dream.
Escape from reality.

You take my hand and hold it close.
You whisper in to my ear
Words so sweet.

I feel my eyes starting to tear.

Take me away
For you are the only one.
Who can see me for who I am.

Caress me lightly.
And tell me why you love me.

Remind me why you and I
Were meant to be.

Dream of nothingness.
Illusions taking over me.

Sleep just may be
The last thing I really need.

For words are my fuel
An elixir all on its own.

It builds me up
Or tears me down.

In the end,
it will all be worth learning.


For every word
Has potential
Just like we all do.

She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to forget.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

You weave in and out of my life
Like silk
in the palm of my hand.

You stay for a while
Then leave right when I need you.

You possess me with your words and your lies.
You caress me gently with your whispers
You vowel that you'll never forget me.

I know it's a lie.

You've said that too many times before.
And I won't fall for it again.

I've got you this time.
I hold you in my own hands now.
Not the other way around,
like how it was back then.

I will crush your dreams
Like you did to me.

Watch you fall
Numb
On to the floor.

See you weep.
And it'll give me a sense of freedom.

You've given me nothing but hate.
So I'm only returning the favour.

Watch the lights go out from my eyes.
I have no sympathy for you
You turned my heart to stone.
You broke me.

And I changed my life.

Temptation strikes again.
I think I'm already in.

I feel it come back.
Urging me to shed the fat
That I've neglected for too long.

Memories oaf him and I
Torment my mind and body.

I'm tired of this game.
Starving for your affection.
Bleeding for redemption.

You still don't see.

You left me with the burden
With the guilt
The shame

Of not being able to control these feelings I have for you.
I hate you.
I love you.

I miss you.
I never want to see you.

When will you let me go.
When will this all be over.

When will you step up and tell me the truth
The reasons to why you forced me in to the shower that night.

Tell me you wanted it.
Because you could't take my “no” for an answer.

I feel pathetic writing about you like this.
Why can't I just cut you out of my life
Like you did to me back then.

Why does starving sound so peaceful
Whenever I'm overwhelmed
By your threatening words
And actions.

You'll never admit the truth.
You're just too **** proud
of giving to charity.
Being the good guy.

You're only making it harder for me.

I wish I had the guts to ask you if you can ask for forgiveness.
But, even if I did
I know you'll never succumb.

I fear ruining your career by asking you.
You really put me in a ****** up situation
that I've been holding
for too long.

I've imploded.

I'm fighting with my self.
You made me feel this way.
And I know you'll never stop it
or realize
or even care.

Tell me if I'm childish for not being able to forget.
Tell me again,
that I am ****** up and seeking attention for starving myself
Or for accusing you.

I'm tired of this game with myself
Of self destructive acts.
Yet I need it to keep moving on from you.

I hope someday.
Maybe on your deathbed.

You'll finally gain the courage to say
“I'm sorry, i know what I did was sick and inexcusable.".
All I want is the truth.
To why you did all that you did.
Set me straight for once.