She walks toward the bright sky.
Her face glowing from the rays of the evening light.

And she tries to forget all that she's felt.
Everything from the past and the present, that she try's to stay sane in.

She longs for warm arms to embrace her.
Cold heart breaking with despair.

Her heartbeat races and palpates.
A sudden feeling of loss and grief encircling her.

All she can do now is breathe.
Slowly and calmly.

As she stares out in to the sky,
Now twilight.
She inhales and exhales.
Smells the scent of the memories she's left far behind.

A past she longs to forget.
A relationship she desperately wants back.
To feel normal again.

The wind slowly starts to pick up.
As if it reads her thoughts,
and abruptly,
blows her thoughts into the darkened night sky.

She stands alone in the dark.
Waiting for a sign of hope.
Waiting for her thoughts of him to diminish.

It dawns on her that it will never be gone.
She will never be fee nor alone.
Everything she's felt for him.
Everything she's heard and witnessed.
It'll never leave her side.
And will remain in her heart.
Like an invisible needle disguised between threads.

She stays in her silent solitude.
Hoping the more she tries to move on.
She can and will eventually be happy again.
And will be able to feel nothing but that.
Even with him.

"Time will tell", says a quiet voice in her head.
And she thinks no more.

You weave in and out of my life
Like silk
in the palm of my hand.

You stay for a while
Then leave right when I need you.

You possess me with your words and your lies.
You caress me gently with your whispers
You vowel that you'll never forget me.

I know it's a lie.

You've said that too many times before.
And I won't fall for it again.

I've got you this time.
I hold you in my own hands now.
Not the other way around,
like how it was back then.

I will crush your dreams
Like you did to me.

Watch you fall
Numb
On to the floor.

See you weep.
And it'll give me a sense of freedom.

You've given me nothing but hate.
So I'm only returning the favour.

Watch the lights go out from my eyes.
I have no sympathy for you
You turned my heart to stone.
You broke me.

And I changed my life.

Temptation strikes again.
I think I'm already in.

I feel it come back.
Urging me to shed the fat
That I've neglected for too long.

Memories oaf him and I
Torment my mind and body.

I'm tired of this game.
Starving for your affection.
Bleeding for redemption.

You still don't see.

You left me with the burden
With the guilt
The shame

Of not being able to control these feelings I have for you.
I hate you.
I love you.

I miss you.
I never want to see you.

When will you let me go.
When will this all be over.

When will you step up and tell me the truth
The reasons to why you forced me in to the shower that night.

Tell me you wanted it.
Because you could't take my “no” for an answer.

I feel pathetic writing about you like this.
Why can't I just cut you out of my life
Like you did to me back then.

Why does starving sound so peaceful
Whenever I'm overwhelmed
By your threatening words
And actions.

You'll never admit the truth.
You're just too **** proud
of giving to charity.
Being the good guy.

You're only making it harder for me.

I wish I had the guts to ask you if you can ask for forgiveness.
But, even if I did
I know you'll never succumb.

I fear ruining your career by asking you.
You really put me in a ****** up situation
that I've been holding
for too long.

I've imploded.

I'm fighting with my self.
You made me feel this way.
And I know you'll never stop it
or realize
or even care.

Tell me if I'm childish for not being able to forget.
Tell me again,
that I am ****** up and seeking attention for starving myself
Or for accusing you.

I'm tired of this game with myself
Of self destructive acts.
Yet I need it to keep moving on from you.

I hope someday.
Maybe on your deathbed.

You'll finally gain the courage to say
“I'm sorry, i know what I did was sick and inexcusable.".
All I want is the truth.
To why you did all that you did.
Set me straight for once.

I hear the water
As I stand in the shower
I feel the water running down my hair.

My anxiety starts to subside.

Suddenly the light goes out.
Darkness envelopes my thoughts.

I hear the shower door slide open
I see his shadow

Large figure looming toward me.
Well aware of what he is about to do to me.

He tells me to face away
Towards the wall

I do
Slowly

My heart skips a few beats.

Time stops
And I feel like I've died.

He touches me in ways I never wanted him to.

I didm't ask for this.
I didm't want him touching me.

I could't move.
I was paralyzed

He told me to not tell mother
To not tell anyone.

He threatened me
A couple of years later
after I confronted him.

I feel weak and vulnerable
All over again.

I'm 17 again,
And covered in the first cuts I've sliced in to my skin.
Coping with what he did.

I keep thinking I should be gratful that he never did it again.

But
I can't help feeling trapped
Even till this day.

I have still kept our secret.
I still feel he won this fight.

Fear of ruining my loved ones lives
His deadly threats
Prevented me from speaking the truth.

It's too late to seek justice.
I lost my one chance.

I wonder
How much longer can I really stay quiet.

And if I do tell them.
Would it even matter to them?
I know my mother didn't care.

I guess it's wishful thinking.

I need to continue coping.
Not by bleeding this time-
But by using the memories and hurt.

Write
Read.

Learn to be stronger than a person
who would shun their loved one from their life.
Because he is afraid to see the truth.

I will always still love you.
But I will take what you've done
To the grave with me.

Everything I feel.
Every memory that comes back to haunt me.

I just keep running from them.
Knowing they can never be redeemed.

Some days are a burden on me.
Other days, I see a ray of hope.

I need to remind myself
To stay in the present.

Ignore the things that cannot be changed.
And face my future
With a smile.

No matter how difficult some days can be.

Like glass.
He saw right through me.

Right down to my core-
Where everything was in pieces.

Lost with a fragile heart.

Verbally and emotionally abused.
Shunned from reality.

To bleed was her escape.
She had her words taken away one night.

Voiceless
Suicidal.
Too distorted to have a mind of her own.

Selling herself to strangers.
She never left so numb.

The world was bleak.
She only lived in her shadow.
The memories of him.

She took her luck too far
She made a deal with life-
Choose the wrong path and you'll come face to face with Death.

Death came and took her soul.
'I love you' it whispered.
Silence enveloped her body.

Shattered in to pieces,
Naked on deaths bed.
She was cremated into a lost soul.

No number of cuts were enough
To take the agony away.

An imprint of her identity was sewn on to her heart.

How much longer will I have to remember?
How many times will I have to tell myself to 'just forget it'?

I can not seek revenge,
I mustn't let death win.

One day
I will have the power to **** off the memories of you.

i will keep living.
Give hope to others.

I will create poetry
from this reality you've given me.
I will break this silence
which you've permanently stitched in to me
and made a part of my life.

Lost in time
These words aren't mine.

Unable to see reality
I plunge in to the darkness.

My hopes distort my dreams.
It seems I can’t tell them apart.

I fear I will never find my calling.
I feel alienated
By my own consciousness.

I don't feel I am ever on the right track.
Everything shifts
From one place to the next.

An uncontrolled mind
Feeding me only lies.

I am my own burden.

I'm walking on glass.
Every step is a risk I take.

Only to fall through the fragile shattered pieces.

And from there
I start again.