She can walk
          between
             night and day
               never letting either
                  get in her way.
She learned this trick
                     many moons ago
                                by
                     going deep within
           and never letting it show.
Her soul is innocent
her heart is pure
she’s gone through more
than most could endure.
            She’s an angel of light
                 an angel of dark
                 you never know
              what you will spark.
                      You want to hurt her?
                         Please, go ahead and try
                           she’ll be the one to show you
                                  just how well she can
                                                              f
­                                                                l­
                                                                ­  y.
                                  Her soul innocent
                    her heart pure
      but never think for one minute
that she’s not secure.
                                Say what you will
                          please, do what you must
                       but your jealousy and hatred
                             won’t waver her trust!
~

This is not a straightforward illness.
This is a rollercoaster that takes you up and down at random,
and you’re left just hanging on for dear life.
There are days when you are trying so desperately to live and not be numb to the world around you,
but at the same time your mind is consumed with finding a permanent end to it all.
Things you used to love have no meaning anymore,
and nothing seems to quite give you that spark of joy when the fog settles in.
Sleep offers a temporary escape,
but nightmares keep you from finding any peace of mind.
This is a 24/7 illness, it does not take vacations
it waits until you start feeling normal enough to say it’s been a good day before it slams you down and takes you back a few steps.
One of the hardest parts is to regress when you were making progress, but that’s part of this journey - the ups and downs are endless, unpredictable and unstoppable.
My depression might not look like yours, we are all unique in our struggles.
My illness may have gotten the upper hand this time, but it will not win this war. I will keep fighting

"Everything you are doing is wrong"
these words are etched in my brain
I try to run away, I try to will them away
but find no escape as they only grow louder and louder
My thoughts imprison me
They hold me back, they tie me down
they wish to suffocate me by drowning me in self-loathing  
until there is no part of me left untouched
It is only a matter of time
For now, I stumble against these words
fighting with every ounce I have left
but I am tired
The words grow louder, they repeat faster
encircling me and piling on until they crush me
"Everything you are doing is wrong"
louder and faster. Again and again
Nothing I do now can stop them
these words are forever etched in my brain

No one seems to understand
just how heavy this burden is to bear
what it takes to get out of bed
what it’s like to fight your own mind
to face these thoughts daily
and to somehow not give up
to keep fighting though you want to quit
to keep breathing when you wish you would stop
Imagine for a minute, each second is agony
each thought is worse than the last
imagine feeling so heavy
feeling so tired from fighting
just trying to be “normal”
tured of forcing a smile
and you’re told to stop thinking this way
as though you’re in control of this
as if medication is not keeping you afloat
as if this depression can just be turned off
no one understands this burden
longing to die, but dying to live
hoping for anything to pull you back above the surface
so that you don’t drown in the darkness
No one can understand this burden

An empty, endless space
that is all I imagine is inside
I stand before my reflection
and face the enemy that resides within
a darkness that consumes
and tortures every waking second
each day it chips away more
soon there will be nothing left of me

I wonder how this happened
and what led me to this dark place
I seek answers that cannot be found
I wonder aimlessly in search of resolve
now I have to face the truth in this mirror
a shell of my former self stares back
a face cold and tried
and a heart too ****** to love

I lost myself to sad thoughts long ago
my fate seems to be set in stone
after being consumed by darkness for so long
how will I ever see the light again?
Part of me wants to fight this
a stronger part of me longs to surrender
I just do not have the strength
I resign myself to a life in the darkness

I turn away from my reflection
bid farewell to the face I no longer recognize
She is me, I am her
but we will not be meeting again
I push the darkness back down
ensure that only I know it is there
buried deep in my centre
festering, but never to be revealed

When my thoughts are too heavy,
My feelings - too numb,
When my heart is unsteady,
And the tears start to come,

I put on my running shoes.
Tonight I can't hide.
I pace myself, breathing,
Letting go with every stride.

The melody of my footsteps,
The rhythm of my breaths,
Have synchronized into nothing;
A calm stillness inside my head.

I'm light  as a feather.
I let myself fly.
The world is a blur, but tonight,
... I'm alive.

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.