Now this is just me venting.
So, however this may come across,
I love my best friend.
But sometimes I don't agree with the way you do things.

You may think that I don't know **** about life.
If I'm being honest that's how you always make me feel.
But you should know by now that I don't lie to my friends.
I don't care how much you may want me to tell you what you wanna hear.
I'm just not the one.

You may have not had real friends in your life.
And it's kinda sad that I have to do this...
But hi, I'm what a real loyal friend looks like.
Surprise!!!
I would never steer you the wrong way.

So I listen to all your concerns.
I listen to you vent.
I listen to you cry.
And when you have no options or ideas on how to change certain situations in your life.
I am there every single time supplying you with them.

And you have an excuse for every single thing I suggest.

So naturally...
I've grown upset.
Naturally I'm frustrated.
Naturally this has ****** me off.

You think you know best about everything, and if that were true I don't believe you'd actually be in the mess you're in.

So For the millionth and final time, let me tell you this...
You cannot just expect your life and your situation to change by ******* about it.
To get something different, you must do something different.
If you want your situation or your life to change then you need to be willing to do something you've never done.



But what the hell do I know.

Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

My best dreams,
and my nightmares...
Always have the same people in them...



You.

Journal Entry #7

I have a beautiful one year old, harlequin, Great Dane and she's huge.  
I'm use to people staring but I was not prepared for today.

So they we were, walking in the snow.
I had my headphones on.
Music blasting.
Minding my own **** business and these two very attractive guys pull over and yell, "hey" loudly at me.
I stop and turn and they say to me,
"what's your baby's name?"

(Mind you, I am awkward as **** when it comes to interacting with men in anyway, and this entire interaction caught me completely off guard.)

So I smiled awkwardly and replied, "Sawyer."
They both smiled widely at me and the driver leaned forward and yelled "Hiiiiii Sawyer."
All I could do was laugh because to me this was just hilarious.
Still smiling at me, both the driver and the guy in the passenger seat finally wave and say bye and all I could come up with at the time was the words,
"ok."

Which brings me to the conclusion that if you're dog is getting more attention than you I should just assume the title forever alone.

He says,
"Do you love me?"
I tell him...
"Only partly, I only love my bed and my momma, I'm sorry.
I even got it tatted on me.

Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.