Bongiwe

Bongiwe Oct 2017

S&N&N

I had a moment with a three year old today,
I was putting him to bed, he was wailing and fighting,
he didn't want to leave his cousin and his games.
I had a moment where I looked straight into his eyes and reassured him that everything is going to be okay,
I looked into his eyes and he stopped crying,
I realized something in that moment, he trusts me.
I don't think I have ever felt anything more fulfilling,
I had a moment with a three year old today.

If the love you feel for your child is anything close to what I feel when I look at my nephews, I honestly can't wait.

#love #auntie

Bongiwe Sep 2017

Ess

Every time my eyes rest on him I sigh a little and smile,
wow he's beautiful.
I stare for as long as I can before he turns or looks aside then I must look away ,
he can never know.
Tall, with a smile that makes my day, that confident strut and almost brooding look that affects me a little too much, he gets to me.
In my head I create encounters that will never occur, I imagine us as so much more, I hope I exist in your world too.

#crush #hopes #dreams

Bongiwe Sep 2017

It hurts

Ever been lonely in a crowd or within a group of friends?
well I have and I can tell you exactly how it feels.
It feels like grasping on straws, like forced conversations.
It feels like waiting for an opening every two minutes to get a joke in so everyone can laugh and maybe then they won't notice that you don't get their inside jokes,that you don't fit.
It feels like sadness, all the time, from the moment you get there to the minute you leave,
like wanting to cry all day, yeah I mean all day, including during the jokes, the laughter, the games, all of it.
It feels like wanting to walk away but having to stay because by God I won't be that pathetic girl sitting alone during breaks,I won't.
It feels like constantly defending your views,
like ultimatums,
like conditions.
It feels like talking all day but crying yourself to sleep at night because you have no one to talk to.

I finally put my feelings down on paper and yeah that's exactly how I felt throughout my entire high school journey

#past #pain #friends

Sep 2017

Mims

I couldn't think of a title to make you read this

Love,
They say,
It will fix all of your problems,
All your broken,
All your pain,
Love,
Will take that all away,
All I can honestly say to that,
Is how can you put that kind of pressure on someone?

heal me
fix me
save me

Because "you're all I have"
Or "I'm lost without you"
Love,
Will fix everything wrong with me
Don't care if it makes everything wrong with you.

Someone told me,
That love,
Is a lie,
And that we only think we need it,
Because everyone tells us we do,
And we do,
But not from her,
And definitely not from you,
We need love
Because society convinces young girls,
That it will fix everything
And it will.
But its not the kind of love
That is taking over 13 year old girls,
The love,
From another human being
Isn't what's gonna fix you,
you have to,
Because yes,
Love will fix everything,
If you love you.

And believe me,
This is something that I wish I knew long ago,
Because I went so long,
Hating myself,
And wanting love from someone else,
When all the healing I needed to do,
Was inside of me,
When I figured out,
That love for yourself is beautiful,
It makes everything clearer,
Everything,
Makes sense,
My love,
Your love,
Is what'll fix you,
That's not something I can do.

Said love so much, it doesn't even sound like a word anymore

#love #fix #broken #girl #society #human #need #you #me #save

Bongiwe Aug 2017

heartbreak?

I need to let go because I never fell in love with me and I keep looking for people to do it for me,
I need to realise that I'm flawed, not them,
that my burdens are mine alone to weigh.
I've spent so long blaming the people I loved for breaking my heart, but really, I doubt it was ever whole to begin with ,
I think my love for them was nothing but a convenience to me,
sadly, it never was to them, god!
How they loved me so fearlessly, how some fought so hard I felt ashamed of my inability to love them back.
It was about me, always about me,
yet somehow I convinced myself to mourn the loss of something that had never been, still kept up the pretence of heartbreak when they left, how did I always end up the victim of fact?

#self #reflection #me #love

Bongiwe Aug 2017

Ma.

I wanna talk to you,
not the hello, how are you type talks.
I wanna know you,
understand you .
You're my mother but I feel I hardly know you,
your thoughts,
the emotions you keep locked up like we'd all fall apart if we ever saw them.
It's taken distance to expose the fact that you may have given birth to me and raised me,
but maybe you'll never get to know the real me,
maybe we'll stay at this point forever.
I hope not,
because phenomenal women are hard to come by, and I know for a fact that you are one.
I'd like to pick your brain one day,
maybe the effort is mine to make,
I don't know.
But in it all I have never doubted your love for me and mine for you,
You've spent your whole life trying to protect us,
granted it didn't always work,
but you're human too,
you're flawed too,
my only hope is that one day the facades will melt away.

A letter to the woman who holds my heart now and forever, mama.

Bongiwe Jul 2017

Untitled

See I have to ignore what you say,
because I'd never be happy if my happiness was tied to your opinion of me.
You don't think too highly of me ,do you?
The loudness of your voice when you speak,
You don't think me too bright,do you?
I finally realise that it's pointless trying to be the best of me,
you don't want me.
You fell in love with the idea of me,
an illusion of what I could be, an illusion of my own creation fabricated with long nails, perfect make up and clothes to match.
I hid my imperfections,
foolishly thinking you'd dig until you found my truth,
that you'd see beyond my mask and heal my scars,
but now that your love is gone,
it's clear to me that the only person I should learn to love is me.

#self #love #illusions