It slips through our fingers.
At the end of it all,
there will be only a few
questions.

Did you love enough?
Did you give everything you could?
Did you spend your life on what mattered?

It rules us all.
Careful it does not pass you by
while you are busy sleeping.

You are not poor if you
love something, someone,
humanity maybe, and have faith
that you will somewhere,
sometime be satisfied, though you
know not how.

You may even feel that your
sorrow is but a school to teach
you the virtues of sympathy and
gentleness, that will avail
you hereafter, though you know
not where.

I am not always on the highway
that leads to this hilltop,
but I have seen the lighted road
stretching on and on;
sometimes I have even fancied
that I saw the windows of
the castle all aglow.

And I have hastened my steps
to be in time for the feast,
and taken counsel of my courage
lest I falter and fall on the way.

May I keep this vision of
the castle ever before my eyes,
and a belief in my heart
that the journey is worthwhile,
and the castle and the glow
in the windows not all illusion.

I love you, but I am scared of you
I am scared of what you know
Of how you think and how you feel
Of how you are
I am scared of how you see the world
I am scared of how much you know of me
that I don't know of myself
I am scared of your ability
to hurt
to maim
perhaps
to ****
I am scared of how dangerous you can be
Of how dangerous you are
Of your dark tendencies
And your twisted mind
I am scared of what is in your head

You are evil
You threaten me
Blackmail me
Use your power over me
You say 'You don't know what I am capable of'
And I don't
And that is what scares me most
The unknown

Your mind is uncharted waters
I am scared to venture into deep
For fear of being hurt in the crossfire
Because when I am close to you
I fear that you will hurt me
Sometimes, when you are angry
I fear you
I fear for myself
I fear that I am only a pawn in your wicked games
You say you can do things to me
Though I know you never would
It scares me
That you could

You know too much
And see too much
Everywhere you go your eyes flit around
You breathe in everything
You take in every detail
I am scared
of what you take in
about me

Don't you see?
How you terrify me?
You barbarian
So violent, ruthless, unpredictable
Sometimes
It is as if I don't know you
You are a demon
A devil
The spawn of Satan himself
But I love you
I love you
But I am scared of you

I don't think in linear paths
I think in images, not words.
I think through what I see
                       what I hear
                       what I feel

For instance, that night,
I found my sisters body
I saw her lifeless body hanging there
I saw my mother fall to the ground, a strangled mix between a scream and a gasp escaping her lips
I saw the red eyes of my father
I had never seen them before and I've seen them too many times since
I saw the strongest people I've ever known fall to their knees in the rubble of my family
I saw my family fragment, break and stumble under the weight of our grief
But I also saw my family stand up, rise, fight and pull the ripping seams together with our knuckles turning white

I heard my father's panic
I heard my mother's cries
I heard my own disconnected voice as my body and brain worked separately
I heard the voice of the 911 operator in my ear
I heard the sirens
      the ones that now echo in my ears
I hear an unknown voice say "I'm sorry, we couldn't revive her. She's gone," as my mother crumpled into my father.


I felt my blood racing through my veins
I felt my heart pounding in my chest
I felt my muscles moving and tearing and ripping as I ran, fueled by adrenaline
I felt the loss
I felt the icy numbness blanketing my family

I saw a life end that night and dozens of others permanently altered

Her life ended that night and ours changed and came crashing to a halt but we got back up
I got back up

I only hope that wherever she is, she's finally happy

Happier than she was here