I would be set on the highest pedestal,
seen and smiled upon by everyone,
but no one would notice when I fall,
I blame no one,
I tend to keep some of my humanity hidden.

I would bleed into my poetry,
drain every ounce until I lie lifeless
but no one would notice the blood,
just the crimson words,
the slur of my handwriting,
but never the intensity of the pain.

I would punish my lungs and scream,
scream until I heave,
until the cry for help becomes more painful than the pain,
but it would all be in vain;
A song listened to,..but never heard.

There is nothing poetic about it,
For once,
I just want to love you.

Have you heard of the little girl
Who chased cute boys around the playground
Writing love notes
Asking if they liked her?
This girl who imagined herself a mermaid princess
With the heart of a wolf
Just to have fun
With her friends on the playground
Never thinking a second thought
Past how cute the boy on the swings was?

How about the girl in a new school
Where people are bigger than her
In more than one sense?
Walking through the halls
Looking at how well the girls grew
And she guessed the boys did too.
The girl who thought looking at both
Was what everyone did?
It didn't take long for her to realize
It wasn't.

Ever heard of the girl
Who saw her best friend in a new way
That she never saw before
That lasted years?
The girl who then entered another school
One with faces old and new
Some adults that felt more like brothers and sisters
With new faces of girls who were even more grown
Than any she had seen in a while
Oh, and a couple cool guys walking by?

Have you ever heard of the girl
Who tried to convince herself
That she was normal
Like every other girl she walked by,
But couldn't help but stare
At those passing girls?
This same girl
Who refused to believe
That she wasn't anything like what she saw around her
That she was still that same girl
Who chased cute boys around the playground,
But couldn't keep hiding
That in her head
She was chasing beautiful girls around the playground?

There's this girl
Who spent her whole life
Wishing to be normal,
But found herself happiest
Hand in hand
With her same kind.

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

the count starts now (tired of tired)


I read your outcry at 3:00am
posted on Facebook

you are
tired of tired
sick of sick
the only question, will it ever end...

rise this day,  start another way...

count your blessing
count against all odds
for there are more than merely one

use both hands
both hands chested to feel the heart thrusting,
for living is a wondrous blessing unique
an unbelievable to believe than so many beats,
born and borne,
by you, a strength unequaled,
you a richness possessed

count that one first.
count my hands holding your shoulders.
count that as two, one for me, one for you.

more? more.  

mirror.  find the tiny light in each eye against a yellow backdrop.

add two more. for they are a sparking confidence of confirming.

you felt the heart thrumming
go back, feel the breathing warmth breaching forth.
add another. for now known you can never ever be cold.

wash the face, wash away the caution that sleep leaves,
the coverlet of fear that fears you not to dare,
amazing that tap water plain is sacred when it
miracle breaks you out and anoints thy forehead with pure oil like the kings of yore, be a kingly human being.

go out. do not return
until one act of kind is performed and
count that as a thousand blessed, a sum recurring recounted

walk humble and the path will always appear.
walk contented for you can be both king and servant,
there is no difference - you must be both to be the other
one.

and if you still cannot raise the head,
call me.
that would be a blessing for me
and I will hear your blessings sounds mine merge,
dear friend and no more stranger,
that is the simplest definition of our learning to count to
infinity