I got two hours of sleep last night

No, it wasn’t because I was working on the essay that was due today
I couldn’t care less about the essay

Actually, I could
Because I care too much about everything
and that’s why I was up all night

I’ve spent countless sleepless nights worrying about every moment that’s gone wrong
Wincing about every word I stuttered over
Analyzing every glance I received
And it makes me wake up with bruises underneath my eyes

My mom didn’t make me go to school today, even though she knew I should
She wants to scream at me to get out of bed, to do something with myself
But I think my empty stare and my cheeks stained raw like a ripe pomegranate
stop her from making me do anything

I haven’t washed my hair in three days
The thought of leaving my room ties a knot in my stomach that can’t be undone
And why doesn’t my dad understand
That I don’t feel like dragging my body around because it’s as if it’s a bag of sand?

My doctor told me that I have anxiety
headaches
trembling
nausea
lightheadedness
trouble swallowing food
excessive, o  n  g  o  i  n  g worrying and tension
difficulty concentrating
trouble falling asleep
                                       or
                                              staying
        ­                                                     asleep

I didn’t get to sleep tonight

They lay on Normandy.
Two hundred miles away, the empty shells of humans
Who lie below the streets
Felt the poison that lurked above.

They shuffled out of the underground,
Boarding trains and ships like corpses
And dropping bombs from miles above.

A little French boy is spared.
His brother whispers “Bon courage,”
As the rest of the family are taken out back
And shot like mad dogs.

Twenty years later, he stands on the beach
With his young wife
Watching their sons roll and play in the sand.

His tongue tastes a warm salt
That couldn't come from the ocean.
All he can taste from the ocean is blood.

I can see my grandfather clearly
With tears falling down his face
As his mother shuts the piano.
“There will be no music,” she says quietly.

She is an immigrant
And I wonder if she questions the choice
That brought her son to a country where he might lay down his life
For strangers, four thousand miles away.

I can feel him now
Hiding in the apple trees,
High above the others.
He is in Sainte-Mère-Église, and there are enemies below.

And now I take them in my arms
Cradling them like children
“Je vous embrasse, les deux,”
And I lie down on the edge of the ocean at Normandy.

I exhale and hold them close.
The sun is shining, and I do not cry;
It is nothing but salt and water to me.

Five years ago I died.
I don't know if I revived.

****, thirteen really was hard,
But it was the best played card.

Seems like every day in the past
Still continues, overlaps, and lasts.

I don't know if I'm living in the future,
Or staying behind like an immobile creature.

I don't know what happened.
I don't know what's happening.

People just come and people just go,
'Cause relative to arrival, departure is slow.

You want to see the reality of me?
Good luck finding it, if it may be.

I died five years ago.
Nobody noticed.

My mom said she loves me.
My father did, too.

I think I believed her more than him.
I think he only cares about himself.

That's were I got my **** from.
I can't say I'm better than that.

It's all I was taught.
And now it's hard to get rid of it.

I'm pretty gone, now.
Trying to get rid of some things erased me.

It was an overshot,
But it was a shot.

I say **** a lot of things.
A lot people say **** me.

But I'm not them.
They're not me.

What does it mean to be lost?
I might be, even though I thought I found my way.

I thought I stood up,
To get off the ground.

I think it was *****.
That must've been it.

But I think I just crawled into a chair.
I'm a pretty lazy guy.

From a couple feet higher,
I can see where to go.

But without my feet carrying me,
I can't go anywhere.

And though I know a lot of things,
Getting all the way isn't one of them.

I think I died one day.
It may have been five years ago.

I've met the same person eight million times.
She didn't exist.

I did a lot for her.
She was inside my head.

I did a lot for me.
'Cause I'm not quite selfless.

But I could be.
Could I be?

I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things.

It makes me unsure.
It makes me unsafe.

One day that will **** me.
If I'm still alive.

But I think I died one day.
It was maybe two years ago.

Five years ago, I wanted to die.
But only two years ago, my heart stopped beating.

It was all a process.
It was a matter of time.

'Cause no death is instantaneous,
But it happens in a single instant.

I think I still exist.
If not, there'd be no head for this to be in.

It's not all just inside my head.
That's one thing I'm sure of.

But not completely sure.
Only a little bit.

She left two years ago.
She's not here anymore.

I made a new her two years ago.
She's inside my head.

She left two years ago.
I met her seven million nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred ninety nine times after.

But only for an instant each time.
Then she would always turn into another person.

I got used to the phrase.
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I wished she'd come back.
But not anymore.

I died two years ago.
She'd be wasting her time here.

But maybe she wouldn't be.
She wouldn't come for me after all.

She would come for other people.
To see people that surely still exist.

Why waste time on the dead?
Better to waste time on the living.

I might not be either of them,
Since I might not exist anymore.

Or I might.
I might still be a few songs, some words on a page, and some marijuana smoke.

I don't know a lot of things.
So I can't be sure of anything.

I started dying five years ago and might have finished two.
I don't know if revived, if I ever made through.

I promise baby I trust you
And oh, you know I love you

But do you still want me ?
Your little baby
Is so very sick
sick
sick
in the head

Now don't lie to me
Whisper to me quietly
Would I still look as pretty dead?
May I take a peak inside your head?

I need to know

If your favourite colour is red
Or is it blue?
Both seem just as alluring to you

But how should I know?
Is your heart on your sleeve is just a show?
I'll ask, but I already know

you are as lovely within
as you are on the skin

For you
my grinch heart grew
3 sizes, did you say?
Must be our lucky day

send me to the chorus
tropical tunes take me away
drop the bass
let the reverb fade

I have all the time in the world to waste on thoughts of passing yesterdays and let the sky unfold in front of me like one of Picasso's masterpieces-
for the most part it leaves me speechless.
Skill grander than all- you cannot simply teach this

                                     ~

And i feel like lately the thing that kept me (in)sane
was all of that whiskey,
cheap food and *******
dont worry baby
I swear my whole brain chemistrys changed but just keep in mind
all my demons left untamed

No, I don't think I'll never be the same me
I'll always be a little crazy
All because of these
finely ground, exhilerating white lines
in between petty crimes

from bathroom stalls to thousand dollar coffee tables
each cut a string loose
that was keeping my floaty mind stable
coming back to reality,
a complex cat's cradles
all going on under the table

With everything so sporatic, did you read all of my tale?
But only those with displayed dedication know if it is fact or fable.

Silence
This idleness is driving me insane
My life is in the hands of the pilots
As I wait in this plane

I'm weighed down by a fog like haze
As I drift through this cloud
My thoughts are trapped in a maze
And there's no way out

Suddenly I feel a strange sensation
I awake from the dreamlike state
My body is impatient
I can't stand to wait

There's something grabbing at my heart
Attracting me like a magnet
I want to jump into the dark
To satisfy the need for attachment

My soul leaves my body
I'm soaring through the sky
The raindrops wave to me
As I pass them by

I'm drawn to the feeling
Like a moth to a flame
My thirst for oneness is unyielding
As I take my aim

I see the peaks of mountains
And the raw power of rivers
I visit city fountains
But as I travel through the forest my soul quivers

You're there among the trees
The tugging on my being is stronger than ever
I come to you like a cool breeze
My soul meets your heart, we are finally together

I realize what love is
And I feel complete
But than everything changes
And I'm back in my seat