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 Dec 2017 Existential me
Stxlle
There's no magic here
It's all gone
The room is empty
It's dark and stuffy
There's no one to lean on

So, I take deep breathes
I count to ten
My heart beats fast
I hope I'll last
I swore you won't hurt me again

I won't let you devour me
I won't let you thrive
I will fight
I know I'll be alright
I'll overcome this fear alive

I know you won't hesitate
So, I must be clever
I fought you before
I can do this once more
I will not surrender
I feel like my depression is back
 Dec 2017 Existential me
Cné
she dragged me out of the house
knowing i was feeling down
not allowing me to wallow
in my self pity,

she dressed me,
        painted my face
               fashioned my hair,
that’s my girl friend

at Juliana’s,
small family owned Italian restaurant,
a gem of a find, she said,
Lorenzo, greeted her with familiarity
(she leaves a memorable impression)

she introduced me as her bestie
with a twinkle in her eye
young (as all under 30 people are to me)
handsome, dark thick curly haired,
with dancing eyes,
a serving towel over his left arm
nodded with a genuine smile

i smiled back despite my mood

wine was swirled, smelled,
sampled and selected
a captivating performance,
executed expertly

she watched me
watching him
describe the specials  
with a melodic Italian accent
transforming my mood

garlic knots wafting with his stride,
placed on the table
with a small bowl of marinara sauce
still hovering
in his long lean fingers
it slipped,
splattering red stain
on the pristine white cloth

without skipping a beat
his eyes poured into mine
words emerged
forgive me, your beauty made me nervous
True story,
and yes I left a fat tip!
Best line ever
 Dec 2017 Existential me
Kellin
Almost eight billion souls
And all I see in them
is your absence
His "I love you" came swiftly.
Like the monsoon pouring down on a leaky roof
Those three words broke through my defences.
At first they were an ambrosia;
They sustained my life and our relationship.
At least for a short time.

Then "I love you" became an excuse;
For absences, and purpose-filled accidents.
And I ignored the warning signs, the flashing lights.
I pretended like "I love you" was enough...

...But it wasn't.
His "I love you"s were like band-aids on bullet wounds;
Like using play dough to fix cracks in concrete walls.
But I rationed our good memories,
I held on as tight as I could to our love
And watched as it slipped through my fingers.

His "I love you"s became poison,
That seeped deep into my bones,
And turned blue skies grey,
And turned light into darkness,
And slowly killed whatever semblance of love
I fooled myself into thinking we had left.
Red Rover, Red Rover
Is long ago over
As submachine guns are now slung over our children's shoulder

Hide and Go Seek
Is not for the meek
Now it's played by survivors or victims, the out look is bleak

London Bridge is Falling Down
Wouldn't actually hit the ground
But in today's reality there is probability to be found

War was played with cards
Now human life is of little regard
Open up your eyes, for war is now in  our backyards

©Pauline Russell
Tears like rain, on her cheeks is found
They are always there, falling down

The sorrow is etched in lines on her face
Still she carries herself with beauty and grace

She's always there when someone is in need
Happy to help with every deed

Yet there she sits all alone
Not even a place to call her own

There's no hero for her to call
She feels like a little rag doll

Kicked to the side
A downward slide

cobwebs of memories are forming in her mind
Twisted and contorted she is now misaligned

She's coming undone, seams ripping apart
If only someone would give her their heart


©Pauline Russell

— The End —