There's a part of my soul
That exists on an alternate timeline
One where
I didn't leave you
One where
I learned to grow before running away
Before leaving us to burn behind me
An alternate universe where we grew older
Grew closer
Changed and struggled together
And also survived and thrived
That part of my soul
Lives deep inside me somewhere
That hidden piece of myself
Still loves you

Everything about you is unexpected
From the vibe when we first spoke
To the safety and peace between us
When I first realized I liked you
I figured the feelings would fade away
Like ashes in the wind
Drifting into nothingness
I didn't think you'd like me back
Or that we'd ever really talk about it
Yet here I am stumbling over myself
Trying to process feelings I don't understand
A complicated and beautiful maze
Walls of green, laced with delicate flowers

"What do we do about this?"
You ask with our hands intertwined
I breathe in my fear
Breathe it out calmly
I don't have any answers
I only know how I feel
And if they ask me if I love you
I might just say yes

Theres a tear in my heart
And it hurts like hell
I don't want you to see me
But the pain is real

I'm afraid for when you leave
Because I already feel disconnected
You ask me what I need
But nothing you say can help this

I want to stay in the moment
To feel through this together
I'm tracing the lines in your face
Because you are all I want to remember

I am so confused.
When I'm near you, it's like my body, electrified, simply wants to collide with yours. Not even in a ****** way, I just want to hold your hand and to walk next to each other with our arms touching.

I had been staring at your hand for probably an hour and all I wanted to do was hold it.
And I knew that was okay because we talked about it,
but I was scared to try.

Yet, when our hands collided, it was pure explosions across my entire body and you felt like home. We were together for hours and it felt like mere minutes.

Your voice and your laugh and your smile are amazing and I would do a lot for that.

It's driving me crazy that it's all in my head
And then I wonder if it really is all in my head
and if I am just that broken

Your hand in mine,
I feel grounded
When I'm with you
The stress melts away
My body on yours is electric
Both exciting and calming you say
It still feels so inconceivable
That we met and I've fallen
So hard for your gorgeous soul
Luck and the universe were good to me
Chance and coincidence my allys
And for being a part of your life
I'm grateful beyond words

Have you ever heard your truth
Echoed back to you from another's lips?
Like a droplet into still water
Their words reverberated through my soul
They mirrored back my struggle with trauma
With their walls of fiery anger
Holding onto rage like a lifejacket
We've been floating in similar waters
Preparing for battle in every moment
While we're the ones aiming the guns
Grasping so tightly to our secret truth
That one day the pain will **** us
We're acting like we're already dead
Before we ever learned how to live

I'm walking to therapy
The sun is hot on my black clothing
I feel calm as i let my mind wander
I wonder what I'll talk about today
I could discuss my relationship
Since its been a bit rocky lately
Or I could talk about harder stuff
Like you
I could talk about you

Just the thought dries my lungs out
Takes my breath away from me again
You're always doing that
The buildings around me feel taller now
More suffocating, closing in around me
And the office, I can see is just 2 blocks down,
Suddenly stretches like a band
Pulling further away from me
With a tension that makes me dizzy
Its like im walking down a tunnel and
The soles of my shoes feel like boulders
Weighing me down, throwing off my balance
I don't want to get there now
I no longer feel real
Thoughts of you change everything
I don't want to talk about you
And that's exactly why I need to

Fiery light from a dying star
Cools against your mocha thigh.
Desire formed like fingers
Rustles your hair’s dark light.

Body to body and breath to breath,
We are here and nowhere else.
Unposted selves,
Love without likes,
Hands without keyboards,
Voices in air,
The absence of absence.

At the edge of a cliff
My heart sprints like a bullet
My arms tremble impatiently
Waiting for my decision
Do I stay on solid ground
Where the illusion of safety is a blanket
Only faintly covering
The truth of impending doom?
Or do I dive into the unknown
Hoping to splash into water
And avoid the jagged land?

Dear, it breaks me as much to write this
as I know would do you when you read
but time has come to reveal the secret
to tell you, I love you still,
have loved you all this time
and I doubt if I can love her more
the woman I'm leaving you for
who right now seems to possess something
worth more than all you have given to me
and who the urges inside me tell
would make me happier more than you could
would find me another home different
better, brighter..
and my dream for the time to come is such strong
that I'm ready to commit anything for that
even parting from you seems not high a price
except that I can't imagine how you would look
when you read this and break down
with my hands not beside to hold in comfort
wipe away the torrents
when surrounds you a loneliness
you never knew existed all these years.

*The home is as yet unbroken.
He now loves her more than ever.

The letter was never posted.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
hearts of gold, never to rust.

swallowtails aloft, flutterings better dead,
dampened by years of love left unsaid.

box of promises, vials of lies,
waves crashing within ocean eyes.

bloodied wrists, a scarlet letter
sealed envelope, unposted endeavour

eternal fairytale, lover and her muse,
destined to love yet scared to lose.

wilted bouquets, abandoned gardens,
memories burn while resolves harden.

etched in stars, writ in stone,
identity crisis, fate unknown.

Life's canvas, shades of grey,
dreams crumpled, hope led astray

stairways to Eris, rising only to fall
Lone poetess loving her Wonderwall

:
..
....
........
...........

As often as a human's breath,
deadlines and restrictions pop up
simultaneous with emergencies
chores, and necessities...all in a fast
pace, many things are prioritized
...though, most are unnecessary and
occupy precious space in our lives...

everyday, we struggle...silent battles
and tribulations stir the soul...
for some reason, some things cannot
be changed...some people play deaf
and stay the same.....neither could
thoughts towards them, be altered...
sometimes, our ties with useless stuff,
and useless people...need to be severed.
moments come when, we've had enough
..............of rules and regulations.
...................we just get fed up...

life is precious and short.....a part of me
....awaits a break......a cold phase,
.........when all my discontent would freeze
..............when all queasy feelings
...................this fidgeting within,
........................would turn to ice
..............................permanently.....
.................­......
...................
.............
.........
......
....
..­
.

Sally

© Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
(an old unposted poem from 2014)

I don't really think, there are words explain,
this thing that I'm feeling, this terrible pain,
I know I stuffed up, like I always do,
but I'm too scared to admit, how I feel about you,
except in the words, that you won't even read,
and in the unposted poems, that my heart seems to bleed.

one minute the written piece
will be so nicely posted
then in the very next minute
it will be quickly unposted

an indecisive mind works
on the submission page
switching the on and off switch
with an unregulated gauge  

numerous times
this pattern
has occurred to confuse
numerous times
this pattern
frequently does get a use

before offering
any pieces for posting
the submitter needs
to be sure of the hosting

two suede secrets

a blue violin plays instrumental come-ons with flamenco hints,
various pleasures merge, a three lane highway becomes a
county road with slow and steady the unposted speed limit
I am well and full accompanied and accomplished

and I am alone

my hands laurel my temples, my head is crowning,
laughing from the pleasure given to me to give to me,
snare drum solitary keeps my time, my two palms say psalms,
guttural and cultural, my emissions, emptying my commissions,

and I am alone

a-poem came with this morn to mind, and pleasure me, it did;
music and flesh, words and tissue untested but harmonizing,
hands prancing on strings of sterling silvered guitar body mine,
shouting glory glory, am risen am fallen, salved, soothed,

I am alone, refreshingly happy, my poem *******


and and and
both of us will die in due course, dead unread, alone together

3/17/18 9:05 AM

I'd be lying
if I said I was okay
I haven't seen the sun
For the last 3 days
Deep down I know
I'm not okay but
It's pretty hard to see
When my feels get in the way

Here, on my knees
I'm begging for answers
Gravel cuts into my flesh
Ripping right through me
The blood stained rubble
Loudly recalls my humanity
Tears made of dust and dirt
Are suspended indefinitely
I am alone in the darkness
Cold down through my bones
There are lights in the distance
A million roads lay before me
But I can't tell what's real
From all the illusions

If natural disaster was to call.
And we were all to fall.
Will there be anyone left?
To log into our phones,
And read our unposted;
Thoughts.
Poems.
Playlist songs.
Prayers.
Notes.
To do lists.
Bucket lists.
Wishlists.
Uncleared shopping carts.
Liked videos.
Saved videos.
Favorite videos.
Watch later.
Retweeted.
Loved.
Reposted.
Unfiltered pictures.
DIY projects.
Ten minute crafts.
Absolute must haves.
Spend the day with mes.
Get ready with mes.
Food orders.
Takealot orders.
Amazon orders.
Day in the life.
What I feed my dog in a day.
What I eat in a day.
Daily vlogs.
Daily blogs.
Unread texts.
Check ins.
Drafts.
Downloads.
Watch lists.
Google history.
Unread emails.
Tinder matches.
Netflix must watch.
Gen Z versus millenials.
Private subscriptions.
And think to themselves,
What the actual f**k?
What happened to us?
What has the world become?
Personally,
I hope he writes the new Bible.
What would God think?

.......melancholy is impossible
to deal with...it enfolds you, and
messes with the day's pressures...

........and why is it, that,

on some days,
sad winds just don't whisper,
sweet, blissful thoughts take shape,
and arrest painful memories...then,

a smile suddenly graces my face...

thereupon, flows ....remembrance,
old feelings, old faces come back...
once spoken words of love, of wisdom,
create an atmosphere of calm...

feelings that couldn't be writ
become unposted poems...they drift
in dark waters of an inner hell,
........... keeping truths to tell,
.........................raring to be read
to a distant heart...praying they'll be heard
one day....when on the same grounds,
....where unruffled moments surround,
when closest, and feeling the warmth
..................of our every breath...

some days,
sad realities and sorrows are silenced
by faith and hope...good times dance,
creating sparks in the dark firmament...
.........like dazzling meteors and comets,
we temporarily forget painful moments...
...........
..................
.....................
.­........................
........................................­..
(a sudden bout of sadness, and of being silly :))
ahh, it feels good to be silly at times.....to be free!)


Sally

Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan
September 16, 2019

Revisited
on top of this mountain  
ice translates the morning  
into textured hues

holding space
a tempered mood
the gaps within the crevices
await their next patient
cover the sleet of past years
after Innocent expansion founded

prepared and ready to hear time to use its wiser words
readying to speak out on behalf of itself

the clocks of experience taught its distance in a cold hiding place
calling out beyond the peaks of this mountain: the shadow of its
fearful chasm persisted:

“You must find another way” shouted the early tinges of this sun’s glare
like a vein’s intentional gaze
Purple and green light
you're somewhere out there this mountain felt it
for all the sunsets God has ever named  proclaimed it (in me)
heaven heeded the specific tone
the only thing needed: was to listen to it's causality
and so it acted upon the thought
like a silent note swirling around
unlettered
unposted
franked for some time in the future
passing as bicycles
fading out
cross crossing the steep of this mountain’s hill

It got out of a maze that swiveled and turned at its intersection
no stick needed
shift and change positions
until it fits in
just
thoughts imagine colors
the picture stays in mind
I didn't act until I felt time holding my waist
the arteries opened up
wrapping me around in Chenille
moves its wand
whispers in this mountain’s ear

habits focus on the final flower
selected once
revisited in the dreams of the observed human looking down

persistence enwraps itself around the crevices
fills them graciously with consideration
the taste of specificity
In its human rapport
had been selected

This mountain’s end
does not replace the past
it’s fullness predicts the future
To be whole

(The most beautiful opportunity to live and to reign your love in)