i hate when you say things that sound like me in another language
things i know i've said in another lifetime
maybe even this lifetime
maybe i've said them to you

i hate it because i have already fought myself
a million times
i always lose

i hate it because i know how weak i am
and i know how much it hurts to be me
i hate to see you mirroring me
walking in my shoes


on my drive home from work today
i started crying
thinking about how a week ago i had a plan
i told you about it
kinda
i said it like it was a joke
but i had a plan
to dive off the cliff by my old house
the one where my brothers grew up
its about a 200 foot drop from that cliff to the water
i did the research
that’s far enough to do it
you were the only reason i didn’t

this might be a stupid comparison but
when i watched a star is born last year
i hated bradley cooper for what he did
for leaving and hurting his loved ones
when he had such a beautiful love and a beautiful future
he had come so far
and he let it all go
why?

last week, if i hadn’t thought so hard before starting my car
i could’ve done the same

tonight i am *****
i am stained by unwanted hands
i want to lay in the bathtub and let the water soak it all off
to scrub at my skin until it is gone
to let a new, clean layer take its place
every voice is his voice
weathered by the years, who knows what it sounds like
when i close my eyes, every touch is his touch
i shiver beneath it
i am afraid of softness
of beautiful brown eyes
of shy smiles and ‘im sorrys’ and whispers of ****** hair
i am just plain ashamed
tonight i am wearing a shirt to bed
and pants
and socks that go all the way up my legs
tonight i am sleeping faced away from my mirror
surrounded by empty ice cream bowls
hurting
just like the good old days.

the night in november
when he took me from me
i always remember it
all the other times bob up and down
in the sea that is my mind
but that day is steady
it is always there
the red
it is burnt into the backs of my eyes
the red of my shirt
the red of the chair he ****** me over
the red of my blood, persistent
the sting was red
the sky was red
that day has gained power with time
after it happened i just showered and went to sleep
numb
but since
it has become as sure a presence as the sun in the sky
no one can touch me
no one can look at me
if i never let anyone close,
no one can take me from me again

i wish i could hold the things that hurt you in my hands
so i could crush them like dry leaves
they would crumble to dust between my fingers
and i would blow them away in one breath
off to somewhere they can’t reach you

i am eighteen years old
i am overgrown grass and wildflowers
the smell of dust, and crumbs on the couch
i am too slow and too fast at once
some people can’t keep up
some people don’t have the patience to wait
the girl i love is the smell of new shoes
she has pretty blue eyes and a pristine little smile
i love the way her hands feel
my best friend is the world after rain
they are everything i wish i was
and everything i’m glad i am not
at once

i am not the daughter my father wanted.
i am too apologetic and too aloof.
i am not the daughter my mother wanted.
i am too damaged. i think i always will be.
i am not the granddaughter my grandmother wanted.
i am not girl enough. not even close.
my legs are too hairy and i don’t like boys enough and i’m too blunt.
i am not the best friend my best friend wanted.
i am too self centered and full of excuses and just too much.
i am not ever enough for anyone.
i will never be the person my loved ones want me to be.
i don’t even know who i want to be.
just when i thought i had become a person i could be proud of
i look around at all the people i’ve majorly disappointed,
and i realize that i can’t win.

no more speaking
i know you love to drown me in your words
but hush
breathe me in
let the silence fill the room like oxygen
embrace the nothing
let my lips tell silent stories
hold still and you may understand