The person upstairs
Hasn't lost faith in you
He just comes downstairs
To put you on a level
You can jump from
And keeps doing that
Till you reach Heaven
That is Nirvana

When everyone has abandoned me,
my shadow laid there next to me,
and it whispered “let’s go home”

And when my poems
turned into suicide notes,
I sharpened the knife,
and put it on my pillow
to sing me to sleep

A bottle of pills with
my full name on it
White and motherly,
I heard them call my
name from a distance

I swallowed the pills,
I swallowed the knife,
my shadow swallowed me

I am finally home

I’m a light switch!

You see,
when I‘m switched on
everything turns bright,

and when I’m switched off,
I become one with the darkness

I could be
too bright at times,
or a an utterly dark self

It’s hard to recognize me
when it‘a dark, I’m unseen

But I can’t recognize myself
when it‘s bright, I’m blinded

All I need is the a
trigger to turn
a bright room
into a graveyard

So please be more
careful with me

I am a light switch

For the last couple of days , I’ve been going through one of my many depressive episodes.

Medically, these episodes don’t meet the criteria  to be called “depressive” .
But I call them that because they remind me of the times when I was medically psychologically officially depressed.
Same darkness, same hopelessness.

Yesterday my mood wasn’t low. It was underground. Strong enough to drag me with it and watch me gasping for my breath, and laugh.

But yesterday was different.
for the first time I was depressed, but not lonely.
I had a chest under my head, a hand in my hair, and whispers in my ear: I love you, it’s ok.

Yesterday, for the first time, I wanted to beat my depressive episode.

in order of me to finally leave, i need to fall out of love with the world, my love is nostalgic and it cuts skin, i threw it away for peace, it was disturbing my routine, i hate how much i need, it how much i can't leave it, but feeling like i need to, because days are death in this place, but death has always been lovely, it's sickening to be alive and bored, i prefer fear, i prefer school days the endless loop of friendly abuse, of looking in their eyes and them never looking at me, it was familiar and unpredictable, ******* fun, why is chaos fun, why, why, oh god, i want it all around me, i want it inside me, shaky hands, no breath left from crying, cutting my skin with hairdresser scissors, laughing like a maniac in the middle of the night, drinking until i pass out, i smell *****, it goes everywhere, coming to get me, voices are coming to get me, with their words, how healthy and happy i need to be, and to that i spit  in your face and cry about it later, because you are right, but i am not right, the world isn't for me, so i need to stop loving it and just go.

But my sadness no longer
feels like being drowned.
It was just sinking
and sinking
and sinking.

And sinking some more.

nightmares every night
all of the guilt and shame of the people everywhere
comes inside me
it forces itself in
im paralyzed to my bed
and i just sit there
inviting it
coming inside
it is so heavy i barely manage to breathe
it makes me huge
fat ballon pushing my insides out
my eyes the eyes of a frog
big enough to LOOK AND SEE
and feel
and dream
your dreams
your pain
"not anymore'' i say to you
" its yours take it
care for it
i need to let go
and to leave... "
so i wake up.






but it continues
manic laughter and tears
every night its the same
in the day i forget
in the night im afraid
in the dreams i remember
ignorance is bliss
so i wake up.




and it starts over

today i washed the dishes
but now im sad
i finished a painting
but now im still sad
i took a shower
while i was sad
i went for a walk
walking sadly
i lay in my bed
looking sad
i guess no matter what i do
im going to be sad

digging fingernails in my skin to feel
warmth of blood,passionate and red
the music is loud but my heartbeat is low
ringing sounds in my head, party noises
i'm desperate for a muffled one instead
i travel with a mind lift
lift down in the room the horror dreams prepare you for
at level zero where breathing is a difficult skill
air doesn't exist and minds collapse
i feel the lack, i hear the choking the static, i smell the blood and the illness
clenching my eyes they turn backwards inside my skull
seeing the names of those who destroyed the home i built
always smiling politely they welcome me
as a guest in my own place
''hello there predator
is this basement warm enough for you
are these chains secure enough for you? ''
shaking vigorously no nonono
death is upon me
cursed cursed cursed for eternity
listening to laughter,talking to thoughts imagined
in this basement never to be found