i tried to find
a song
a poem
a piece of art
something, anything
that felt like
or sounded like
you

i looked
and searched
asked
and wondered
yet no matter what
i tried
there was nothing
that came close

for you
my platonic soulmate
are one of a kind
a light in the dark
warm, soft
kind, loving
selfless
a best friend

i couldn't find anything
because
nothing
nothing is like you

I pretend that I don't care
When really I am screaming
From the frustration of failure
And the disappointment of
Letting you down
I brush off the hurt
With a flick of my wrist
Pretending it's not a big deal
When on the inside I am crying

Fake it till you make it
Has become my new motto
Except I am excellent at the fake it part
But have yet to make it anywhere
All I am good at
Is building up my walls
And constructing masks
To hide what I really feel
So I don't seem like I care
But I assure you
I most definitely do

I keep being told
I need to be more positive
Can't you see that I am trying
I am honestly trying
But it's so hard
When all you can see
Is the dark in everything
Or those demons
That haunt your memories
It's so difficult
When your only enemy
Is yourself
And all of your doubts
Crowd your mind
It's really tough
When nobody can see
How much effort
You put into being happy
And always smiling
It's so hard
When they can't see
How much your trying
To be positive
*Honestly, I am trying

For a minute
I actually thought I was okay
And then
I heard that song
The one we danced to
In the moonlight
Under the stars
At midnight

Please
Don't say it as a friend
Everytime you do
My heart sinks

Please
Don't remind me
That I can never
Have you

Please
Just don't say it at all
I can't hear it
Without breaking

There are so many things
I want to tell you
For you to understand
There are so many reasons
I want you to know
For leaving you behind
It's not your fault
It will never be
The only person to blame
Is me
I seem to ***** up
Every friendship, relationship
Everything I do
I'm the mess, the problem
The huge grenade
I cause disaster and pain
Anywhere I go
So don't worry
It's in no way your fault
The fault is all mine
The ***** up, the mess
The problem, the grenade
It is all my fault

It's monday again
and the rain is still falling
just like the tears on my face
rivulets of pain
track my cheeks
and turn my jeans a darker shade

As the week goes by
my eyes will dry
and the pain will go away
then suddenly
it all comes back
and it's monday again

Being happy is a rare thing these days
And when I am it's like the sun has stop hiding
My smile is a relief from all the pain
And the world seems to be shining
I am grateful to those few people
Who can brighten up my miserable days
Lift up my spirit and state of mind
And turn the grey skies to blue
You have no idea how much you mean
In every single way possible
I just want to thank you and say that
*I am so, so grateful

Why do people have to constantly make me feel bad about myself?
Exercise more
Dress more like a girl
Get a job
Wear make-up
Stop being so sensitive
The list goes on
Instead of making these comments
And forcing my self-esteem further and further
Down into a dark abyss
Where it will be harder to retrieve each time
Can’t you just be happy with who I am?

It scares me that you know
Exactly what I like
You see right though my i'm okay
And all the happy words I write
It scares me that you can
List things that make me laugh
Or the things that make me cry
And always break my heart
It scares me that you know
More about me than I do
And even more than I know
Everything about you
It scares me how much you care
When no one else does
When I am all by myself
With nobody else to love
It scares me how much I need you
To do the things you do
To stay always by my side
And to just be you

How do you say goodbye
To all the things you love
How do you leave
All of it behind
Do you whisper
The words
As quiet as you can
As soft as a breeze
How do you say goodbye
To everything you have
How do you turn away
And never look back
Do you walk
As slow as possible
Or do you run
So quick you're invisible
*how do you say goodbye

I wish you were my valentine
Or knew that I wanted you to be
I wish I wasn't so alone
Or that you would finally see me
I wish I could hold you close
Or whisper in your ear
I wish that I could tell you
How much I really care
I wish you were my valentine
Or even just my friend
I wish you knew who I was
Or loved me until the end

You told me to talk
About the things in my head
Or else I might explode
Into millions of pieces
But there's just one problem
When I try to talk
About the things in my head
No one is there to listen

I keep fantasizing
That maybe it could be me
The girl you long for
Or daydream about
I can see it in your eyes
The distant look
Of a man wishing, wanting
Someone or something
I am clinging tightly
To a small thread of hope
That your feelings for me
Haven't changed
Just as mine haven't
For you
Although I know
I need to stop pretending
I can't help myself
I can't stop myself from dreaming

You're my new dream
and my happy ending
My fairy tale story
and my new beginning

I love lazy, at home days
With sweatpants and ice cream
Cuddling and watching movies
Doing nothing but being silly
Dancing in the kitchen
Board games in the lounge
Hot chocolate in bed
I love the timeless feeling
With that little bit of sun
But enough chill in the air
To bundle up warm
The fuzzy socks and beanies
Blankets strewn everywhere
I just love lazy, at home days

Sweetheart hold your breath
Nobody can hear you
Close your eyes and pray
For another chance
Darling hold it all in
Nobody is listening
Stand by and hope for a new beginning
Watch as life flashes by

*hold your breath

It's okay
I'm used to it
Being a disappointment
I've become numb
To the pain
That comes with it
It's okay
I'm used to it
Being a useless mess
I've become cold
To the ache
That accompanies it
It's okay
I'm used to it
Even though I shouldn't
I no longer feel
The hurt
That comes each day
*it's okay
i'm used to it

Am I so oblivious, that I notice nothing?
Not my friends newly dyed hair or green pea coat.
I miss the looks, the stares,
Stuck or maybe protected in my own little world....

I don't understand why
You all look up to me
You say I'm all these things
That I'm so obviously not

Your saying that I'm perfect
I'm flawless, without fault
But have you looked at me
Underneath my surface

You see beauty, perfection
I see scars and mistakes
You see happiness, light
I see anger and hate

I don't think you realize
I'm not the angel you see
I'm not a role model
I shouldn't be put on a throne

I'll never be perfect
I'll never be free
I'm locked inside self hate
I've thrown away the key

So I still don't understand
What you see in me
Why do you look up to
A person I'm obviously not

I really don't get what you see

There's a girl in the mirror
And I don't know who she is
At least not anymore
Where there once was light
There is now darkness
It seeps through her pores
Her eyes are dull and lifeless
Seeing nothing but the demons
As she stares at the walls
The tears have cut sharp tracks
Into the contours of her cheeks
Ripping her skin as they fall
Where there once were curves
There are sharp, jutting edges
Showing her soul to the core
Her mind no longer thinks
Or works in any single way
As she lies still upon the floor
She no longer belongs here
With the living and breathing
But in the darkness forever more
Pain is her very best friend
And death shall be her lover
As soon as she makes **the call

It's four in the morning
And I am all alone
Except for the shadows
That call me home
The darkness is mingling
With the tears that fall
Giving strength to the demons
That await in the hall

There is nothing left
Of this soul of mine
It has broken away
And it's so hard to find
There's nothing left
For me to show
It's been taken away
By my ghosts

Raindrops splatter
Tears that don't matter
Painting the pain on my skin
Words slice
And create a vice
That breaks the girl within
Thoughts swirl
Emotions whirl
Where can I begin?
Bones break
A heart that aches
Disguises that wear thin
Feeling wrong
Can't sing my song
Will never make up for my sin..

I can't help but compare myself
To everybody else
It's just something I do
She's so much prettier
He's so much smarter
And soon it's all I can think
These thoughts circulate in my mind
And I don't think they'll ever leave

common crowds hold swords
to mock
to frown
to opt for blood

crowds who forgot to stop
now bow to show worth

low fog rolls
cross for old cohorts
who troop
who follow
who go forth to drown

for most worlds
to toss
to hold
to bowl down
sons who droop

crowds do not know
who took stock
sons do not know
who to block

for words do drown
now worlds do brown

only to look lost

It's not been a good afternoon
I feel like I'm going to burst
I just need to say something to anyone
To get rid of some pressure

I am a balloon
That's been blown to the max
And if anything else happens
I will explode

Don't come to close with a pin
Or anything sharp at all
Words, lies, truth
It doesn't matter
Just leave me alone to deflate by myself

I'm a balloon floating away
Living in the clouds
Leave me there to come down in my own
Don't force me or try to coax me down
Just leave me be

I am a balloon

I stood outside
In the pouring rain
I let it soak in
To dilute the pain
Each drop washes
The hurt away
Holding all of those
Unshed tears at bay
I stood outside
The wind it winds
Around my ankles
To corners of my mind
Each whisp clearing
The clutter away
For me to look at
Some other windy day

Erratic breathing
in and out
Tears welling
in and out
Emotions spilling
in and out
Storm brewing
in and out
Stop breathing
in and out
Storm slowing
in and out
Emotions receding
in and out
Tears stopping
in and out
Calm breathing

Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends

That girl
With the sad, tired eyes
Sitting alone in the corner
She's over her life of emptiness
And she just wants to leave

That boy
With the gloomy, grey cloud
Following him wherever he goes
He's finished with his life of darkness
And he just wants to disappear

Those people
With the falling apart lives
Breaking slowly piece by piece
They are done with feeling like this
And they just want to get out of this dark, hopeless world

I'm just tired. Tired of people assuming. Tired of being tired, of not knowing myself or what I want. Tired of wanting to cry all the time, of not being able to sleep. Tired of my past, of the future that's unknown. I'm tired of my ghosts and all the burdens that I carry. Tired of not liking the way I look, of my personality. Tired of not being a good friend, of not being able to keep friends or even make them. Tired of ******* everything up, of hurting people. I'm tired of being hurt, of feeling pain. Tired of all the lies I keep being told, of being afraid and frightened. Tired of constantly wishing I lived in another life, of coming back to reality after each time I finish a book. Tired of waking up after I sleep, of having crazy dreams that make me want to wake but then fall asleep again so I don't have to deal with everything. I'm so tired. But above everything, I'm just tired of being alone.

I lose myself when I walk away from you.

I know.
I'm not supposed to.

I'm meant to be strong and sure.
I'm meant to be brave.
I'm meant to be independent.

And I am.

It's just so much easier with you there.
Right beside me.
Holding my hand.
Lending me strength when I have nothing left to give.

I am independent.
I swear.

Just sometimes I don't want to be.