I was 16
I asked you for understanding
You said you'd never pity me
So I stopped reaching up to
Where you placed yourself
Above me on a throne framed
In ivory. Tusks like fences,
You said you didn't feel sorry for me.
You never cared who or what had to die
To make yourself happy.
I got blood from my wrists
On your stark white gown.
You kicked me out for being messy.

I packed my clothes
And cigarettes
I'm moving to the South.
I always romanticized the North East,
And North West but the middle seemed draining and sure, I'm scared. I'm bound by my youth here and I have this exaggerated passion to travel I decorate for the sake of feeling adventurous but I'm actually comfortable with my feet in concrete boots, climbing back to you. You asked if I'm happy and said that it's sad that I'm leaving, we have so many memories. I felt the same way a year ago with you so I said I didn't know if I was. I don't know if waking up every day past noon to down a pill just to leave the room is happy but I know I'll live three miles from the Atlantic ocean, from pink sand in three weeks and you know I always romanticized the way nature could heal a shattered soul, so I'll go.

I hate that you asked me if I'm happy right before I go, I hate that I'm over you but that still make my insides coagulate and tear apart my stomach lining, I hate that I'm lying about why I'm leaving.

I said I'm starting over but I just have some things I haven't let go of, and I can't. So I'm running from them instead. I'll live on the beach. You won't pop up in the coffee shops I pretend to like dark roast in. I won't see your face in public when you aren't really there. It's unfair that I don't know how to go anywhere but towards another person but I'm hoping those morning beach walks might teach me how to go towards something scary instead of something safe. Maybe happiness isn't safety, maybe when you said you missed me that pain in my stomach was irony because a year ago I collapsed in class on a white tile floor when you said you'd never love me the same and now I'm leaving behind white walls and a white door I never painted because I never picked a color that made me happy.

an ode to what I am not
convenient
or skinny
organized
or welcoming
an ode to what you beg of me
all of these things I cannot be,
I will not be not ever
forever is a long time
to spend bending
your image of me
into something
that fits in your wallet
an ode to what I am not
gentle, rose colored china
sunday mornings with herbal tea
your hope or step in your 12 to get up
a beam of light at the edge of blackness
an ode to what I do not possess
healing powers like some 2,000 year old man
you pray to every day and beg I do the same
patience for another human who whats to change
who and what I am not
so I can play the part
I did not even audition for
an ode to what I am taking
back, my life
all of me, front and center
of the floor

I keep having dreams
Like I used to but
In black and white
I still had butterflies
In this one we got married
We were still nineteen
But when the time came
For you to kiss me
I fell sick with agony
Your kiss was laced with venom
I walked the aisle to the blues
The trumpet numbed my ears
I fell out of love with you
But you're still in my sleep
Why do you still make me weak?

Blue cheese chunks
Peanut butter chest pains
Name a food right now
I'll promise to ruin it for you
6 cups of coffee past your limit
Your heart ripped itself out of your
Ribcage an hour ago and is running
Sloppy joe laps around the park trying to ground itself
Angel hair pasta before you break it
Into boiling water but it still has chills
Spoiled milk in lucky charms,
Sugar sticking to the side of the bowl
Pulling at your skin like Colby jack strings
Picking at derma like an orange
But you aren't sweet or refreshing
You're wilting like that salad you bought
And let rot for a month
Because THIS was the last time
You'd start over your lifestyle
Almond bark emotions
And candy cane apologies
Name a food and I promise
Anxiety will ruin it for you

I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday I was 17 laying in bed with the person that loves the boy I loved rather suddenly I didn't feel safe I blamed it on him because I didn't know what was happening I got mad so I started throwing things has your books and blankets because my arms are tingling and I couldn't stop couldn't shake that feeling that so petrified I slept with my mom and dad until I can finally feel my feet asking me what was wrong but I didn't have an answer everything nothing to do with it