How I tire of you and the looks you give me in the mirror
How I tire of bleary eyed sunny days  
(Like I can't see) sun thru smoke fog

Alone I wake, semi truck barreling down my street towards highway
Gray skies do nothing to muffle the noise in the street do nothing
About the metallic pulse in my head groaning dread like a 56k modem

My dowry for this disease of madness - my middle class inheritance
Her white wedding dress and my silymarin milk thistle distress
Equal  distance between us like 'we hardly knew ye'
But You, You were to be my wife

Where did you go, who is this woman
Eggshell grown gown olive skinned melanin beauty
How I tire of pretending to like the new you
Like the old me, he that used to be before
It got to me  - before the bottle bought and sold me
Tarnished ink blot
Instead of the other way around

Stopped the car, narrow country dirt road red
Backing up now rapidly as can go, in reverse, still too slow still
feels like too little too late, slow out of the gate as always (idiot)
No great escape from falling to saving grace
No night and day, just greater shades of gray

Damage done, iron wrought, frostbitten fingers failing me  
'Fate crusades against me'  
Yell paranoid eyeing empty white dusted bottle
Sleep paralysis nightmares of bedroom closing in prison cell
Loom over like human beast double lobectomy
Reptilian brain no higher function
Choke down tears of pure amygdala flight fear

Standing on my head to rid myself of this soul-phlebitis
  An old hobo train jumper trick apparently
All that blood rushing to my previously empty head
      Filling, pooling graciously flow
            (Don't we all know, there's nowhere to go but up)

Abruptly fall head first lurching, crunch
To the cold brittle hardwood boards of nuns in our parent's youth
       Creaking (they whip us good)
                  Is this ink sunken in skin to be yer biggest regret?
     What can pain do for you?
Connecting the mind and body
    Cingulate gyrus integrating
         reptilian brain vagus nerve body influence with higher
              Social functioning
                                      ugh when really it's all a big joke
                                           and the sad clown laughing at the universe
                                                 is me and i am god and god,
                                                      god he weeps
                    Breeding consciousness, somatosensory convergence
                           You make my prefrontal cortex sick
                                   Subsequent serotonin stomach butterflies
                                         The prescience of a dozen acid trip candy flips
                                               Tomorrow's 500 micrograms of blissful gut          
                                                      Awareness in bloom

Home, where's home for the moment?
       Not sure, asking, looking
            And questing to find o yes and where to go and where to stay
                 And with whom and Why
                      Questions called to no one and nothing (but the sea)
                             That can't hear me
                                      As if Nietzsche's 'void' is staring back
EAT ME THEN DAMNABLE VOID
       I cry
    For
What pain is there in true madness,
       sick little toy words
       sick little boy slurs

I see you upside down lying on great
High captain's house ceilings circa 1920
Strange babe you look down on me smiling
Quell my desire like what snowy night
Bus ride did I take to some bleary eyed
Character now too long dead like those
Cold empty nights we used to meet
Walking back alone long miles
Thru bitter wind east coast wind
Thru bitter east coast powder
How sad he seemed then as if he knew
And I knew  too but really knowing does
No good except through our brief
Shared solidarity experience not alone
That same look I now see on yr. twisted
                               Head

So I guess we know now too that really
I don't care for you and you don't love me
Tho we feel like this our last chance
What more chance left our tattered souls
               (If you believe in that kind)

Why speak words no words to wax
I pack up few paltry possessions
You keep old sea captain's house
Now ruined for me like pet geranium
Bloomd once then died from neglect hiddn
I cried 'why did my otter die
                     Why do they do that

I find one bedroom flat
Look over city lights holding cheap beer
Quiet dread you can smell like pheromones
Here staring walls eternity sleep
Cold drafts in bones
                Tho windows sealed shut

Drink Mead
Red like blood
My forefathers
Or so they told me

No warrior here
Valhalla decries me
Hiding in shadows
Would you call me Loki?

Too tired for these metaphors
Young man
Little plans of mice and

Worst laid, underpaid survivor
Going in tomorrow
Renewed ansgt amongst the fire

Glimpses of what could be
In absence of gnawing hole
Stare not too long
Into black zero sum game

As surely as man who
Stares directly at sun
May lose sight

He who peers void-ward too
Blinded from past, present and future
Was it worth it?

'and I realize everybody is just living their lives quietly but it's only me that's insane'
i walk the streets waiting for your call
six lowly lonely hours feet numbed
it never comes and tho i still love
you i hate you and big promises
spring fatuously little pretty lie
perpetual disappointment
in perpetuity i ******
hate you like
suspended
questions

falsities fabricated in your upward inflection  falsetto all goopy
distasteful muck of all our
empty troubled souls
the sea of the corpus which in reality covers most of  our primordial earth
so best pay attention

what are you high - maybe yes ok
probably can't remember honest
words never the less spill from
my mouth I love you yab yum
for i the raucous martyr-*******
to yer neglect bull whip *******
fantasies   (woe)
me up on yer cross
he died *****
as i do, you
cruel
          terrible
                         butcher *****

I feel
Hollow inside
Is cavernous waste

I see myself
Tired and dried out
Like

So much salt cod
Beckons me to the ocean
Empty bottles

Black curtains

Can't block enough light

For these conjunctivitis eyes

My hangover is your demise

Single sickle cell anemia patient

What's your platelet count

Little *****

Don't tell me not to yell

Not always Mr nice guy

These Pacific ocean eyes

Can turn cold and Atlantic

Bicoastal bipolar niche

Freeze you out

"One fast move or I'm gone," I'd thought,
And lo here I am ready to cast everything to the wind like so many sails and
Off again go running, running away from me

dead dying uncles in icu rooms unstable
little weak men old dried up not dried out
you ask i tell, nothing to see here but ashes
time rots everything
so what tell me is the point
of pitiful, joyless struggles
all our own small motives laid bare
so crass and primal the animals we are
mucking about ******* in the mud

A bizarre evening. Pains in my sides
Bleary eyed hmm

Where is this all going to end?
Asking her desperately
Like the answer was my life blood.

****** drunk slurry black dress
White girl drunk heavy mascara
Strung out crying desperate

Tell me I can be good
Tell me it's not too late to forget about all those stupid existential questions

STOP STARING INTO THE ABYSS
pathetic white boy problems
PTSD feels so selfish but can't get threats out of my head feeling sic

What was that you gave me? Little red pill sleepy yes. Don't look too close I'll see right through you

Eat you up

Muffle the sounds of the loud world (they're in the walls scratching and scraping) It's in the air they're poisoning the water and I'm sure poisoning the well.

The water laced with heavy metals
The food is filled with cancer
But doctors say it's eighty percent genetics
Doesn't mean what you think it means anyways

The solution to 21st century decline is Apparently increased competition
Higher grades, better schools, more Degrees, extra curricular activities, Volunteering, unpaid internships

Until you can't keep up anymore and the Rat race falls apart, you're facing mounting Student debt, employers say you are Simultaneously under and overqualified, You've developed mental illness from years Of incessant perfectionism and no one Gives a **** anymore, not even you

Sleepy September rain
pretending life isn't busy
Standing still on slippery edge
Taking in foggy city view
Of little senators and harpies
Playing house of cards
All so quiet up here
On newly constructed condo roof
Little ant people climbing up
Towards the light with fungal parasites
protruding from wet open wounds

Not real today or tomorrow
Fake plays pretending to be people
What's this reflection
This doesn't feel like me
Who is this shadow person
All dead eyes see thru soul sickness
Black blotting out the sun
No eclipse only vast black holes

morning dew causing (un)due inspiration
flowing out of cowards head
i see you there,

looking in as if to say
why can't i have a piece
where is my cake
yer cake is in the dumpster with
evidently unyielding unborn soul
all garbage to be taken to landfill at day's end

to be cubed by crushing collapsing compressing cuber
to be rolled over by great heaving garbage dump cesspool machinery
left to decompose and rot
like magnificent little ghandi trash

all dignified passive resistance inaction
what good is cake to the self-starving man anyway
what good is life to the self-immolated tibetan monk
is that who you are
all in flames sitting there
blue hue'd blackened bone

More of a man at 20 than at 22

All of the passages about One, there were no others

Regressing into sin, no art without misery

That old cliche, right? Right.

I read somewhere that he wanted to be a writer

He wanted to be a great writer, Remembered

Taking, making great sacrifices for art

Alcohol, Benzedrine, Isolation

Checkmate, One and Two and Three

The night (this night) will be my Desolation Peak

For now,

Looking back through the pages

Who exists in this manuscript?

Who is Marg?

Who is Sil?

Won’t you please tell me?

Won’t you come fill my Head. I’m not asking

Won’t you come fill my bed?

So I need not pretend

Were it that I could let you in

Save for those rare times when everyone appears not unctuous

          To my uneasy usurious eyes

In an act of desperate atavism I return to the roots,

To the past, to the Grass,

      (Looking)

           To the glass

Only momentarily half empty

Before it is refilled

Where will we find our answers honey?

When will we cease to believe this positive psychology *******?

You don’t need to be happy

You don’t need to be comfortable

You need to Mean

                 to have

                             Meaning

                                   to create a legacy

Not shrouded in shame

    and neglect

         and fear

It doesn’t have to be the same

New city, new hope, new name

Erase the stain with pen and paper

Evoke change

See the world through baby blue eyes

   The bucolic beauty brilliantly beats and beads down, blooming

        Bright flowers in early mildew sunlight

            Or Big Sur - view from the mountains

                Or the moon

Soon my love, soon

   Swoon, sweetly suggest

       The sight of a lover’s supple *******

            And her name like poetry on your soft still whispering lips

   Tantalizing and tickling tongues

       Tickling and tucking shyly

Soft skin swimming in hushed tones, brushed bones and quiet sighs

   Wide eyed, clenching belies

       The beginning and the end of far more

Sit in crimson sky sunset park
Quiet city sounds
Churches adjacent
Diocese I'm sure
Tho no man'o god
Insulated here
For I'm sure
At home
They're watching

******* feel I can't shake
Like J and his star on the
Wall scars from the fall philosophy
That I don't understand
Beyond as manifestations
Of psyche transference

And the Fibonacci sequence
Part of a quantum spiral clearly seen
Tell him about the Golden Ratio
With trepidation

Fuel to the fire
Say you want to help but
Play mind game chicken with faith

Learned today
1. definition of patois (non-standardized lnguage.)
2. NSAIDs apparently interfere with the action of SSRIs
3. Synonyms for Appetite Suppressant:
Anorectic, anorexic, anorexigenic, anorexiant

How many neural networks formed when your soul eats?

sleepless nights now filled instead with
hopeful tears no longer overcome by fear
I want to give you biggest bear hug o life
dear friend you are to me honestly honesty
between us means the utmost to me
it is okay to be who I am
it is okay to be you my darling, honey
who you are is why I love you dearly
yr. too ******* frustrating cute little you
for all our idiosyncrasies make us whole
we can make it thru don't have to
die or burn out or fade away
there is hope, we can go on
our future exists we're living it

30 tall boys of ****** beer
A loaf of garlic bread
8balls that never make it
To the pool table

I can feel the sickness welling up inside me
Is it too late to put this behind me
Sighing late and tossing
'When I turn the whole universe turns with me'
It's too late start giving things away
Get ready for the last trip
With hollowed eyes pinned
And dry cracked thirsty lips
Each word seeming strange to me

Getting sentimental from drink
Limp along like another
Angry little misanthrope pedant
Don't people get tired of themselves
Like I get tired of me?

Blah blah blah
Looking for a breath of fresh air
When everything and everywhere
Is stale

Wake up groan roll over
last night a dissociative nightmare
strange waking dreams

Of flanging cars whipping by windows
brittle and metallic waves crashing in
32 bit distortion and dark pixillated vision

Coughing, laughing, welcoming insanity
stagger out of bedroom smoke a bowl
bacon and eggs, mozzarella and 9 grains

stare at voluptuous dark haired student
with billowing scarf

She'd get it buddy

Listen to aging hipster talk
About government

*****

you will find not in me quotes
the quotes of great men
(all) great dead men all
rotten up yasss yasss

don't hide in great dead men
or great dead coiled quotes (worm)
eat me boiled up rubbery
squid ink jet black poison eyes
make me wanna ******* raw
(agave honey darling)

hiding between the lines
lying behind the scenes
great cosmic puppet master
pull pulling pithy lil puppet strings
who do you really believe is you
what **** is me anyways (sugar)

An old dull silver tray bought from the thrift store last polished never
Sits between us, holding a half emptied handle of rye, two rock glasses
Adjunct ice bucket and a handful of spansules all neatly lined up in a row
Like candy for the taking
Too late

Existentially snuffed out
'Yes' I thought, there's a good start
But existentialism is so boooooring dear,
such a dry, ******, passe affair, pedantic really
She groans out her words elongated like some big queen of England
Sitting on her royal *** smoking from a long black cigarette holder
I pull her towards me roughly slipping quickly into thick, thickening
Newfound (land) accents
"Listen here missy, you're no Audrey Hepburn"
Brashly kissing bright blooming vermillion lips
"And you're no John Kennedy"

Playing dress up ***; cosplay games de la haute societe
Cruel broken bank account pauvrete down and out facade
Tho this is neither Paris nor London
Nor do we find any satisfaction in our destitution
I am not a plongeur et vous,
Vous etes rien qu'un petit ami du nuit
"I'm not your *****"
All part of the act
Or so I'm told

We've forgotten who we really are behind these vaudeville masks
     The world less lucid, less clear, receding gently tho greatly
         Day by lurid day

tired of poverty
yet spend too much
tow the company line
is it really buying in
how much on offer
stable, bored, isolated
empty vase, limestone deposit

don't want to die anymore
coward in younger eyes
he's gone but i'm still here
what's been made of it

sometimes i wonder
how decomposed he's gotten
grave in central Newfoundland
worm eyed dream coil shuffle
left him there alone
place he hated most
i won't forgive myself
i won't forget

when blurry vision cleared
choppy alcoholic verse stymied
white waters to clear
how i miss sea waves

how do i read
believe it was an accident
if i'm lost at sea
slipped overboard
or climbed

icy atlantic water numb
sinking back to you

you were the type of girl to read Ayn Rand
thinking o what good ideas in this Fountain
I was the type of who'd join a tontine
and play Russian roulette with self
till dead from cop killer bullet to head
or encourage co-conspirators
bury me 6 feet deep

you decried what joy there is in order
I cried out swollen summer sadness
what joy (is there at any joy at all)
in this madness

pointing out the chaos of everything
order in chaos is wishful thinking
for apes liking everything in neat little
wax paper wrapped deli packages

your satisfaction is my dismay
yet I cannot look away
wash me clean after
I sully you suddenly with
sickly sullen pallid mess

Cracks in the foundation -
They don't make 'em like they used to. Chipped concrete, rusted rebar
Fading facade

I make facile arguments
Excuse myself

Blame mental illness
Blame the drugs, the molly years
Blame ****** (I don't choose life)

*******,
Ian McGregor

Blame the ****** February weather
Blame the itchy sweater
That is life

If that truly is life then,
Become I conscientious objector?
Already live in Canada

Blame the city
Blame the *****
Blame yourself

They say we have agency
I grasp, I reach
But the fruits
Are bitter sweet
**** the bed honey
Like Spud lovely

Which lines do I keep?
And who to throw away?

A dog tied to a concrete pole
In vacant parking lot
Mall adjacent
Man's doxology
This is life
Are we living

if this line is last line
know it was a victory lap
rari, 'cedes AMG (ya brazy)
commercial life dream rabies
make fun of commercial rap

still want that mclaren,
yea you starin' baby
uhhh please, you broke
talkin' bout the red cross town limo (OCTran)
'po lika baby momma didn't even know
save me yuh (87 baseline yuh)

808 boom bap clap snap (sound here)
never joke bout straps (round here)
ace in my cap (down here)
never pretend to trap, white as **** (blind seer)

pass the puck without the ruckus
down the range with the shiv stuck us
gotta strong poker face tryna bluff yuss
knock wig back gut stuffin if you rushin us
boy i dust the rust off my metal alloy pen

if i could list every bar i'd ever been to
ev'ry sloppy loving drunken kiss we shared
it would fill a thousand books
written lilting lines little Kerouacs
sweet red port and
yer nestled snoring head
breast on chest
soft legs entwined with mine
remember it now
long gone days when intimacy
still came naturally
not clumsy shameful downtrodden
broken dreidel me
now too wounded to connect
or look in eyes truly

Laughing drunk high be
Like dirt dog on mtv
Taking the camera crew to cash his welfare
Like ******* pay me

Things are ok
Not dead and currently that’s a good thing
Optimism abound,
Climbing mountains only to jump off the other side
Hoping to find some understanding or meaning
Or even a median in space, or time
Precariously traversing the rock face
Walking down a fine white line
Seeing the whole world unfolding before you
Only you’re too focused on climbing
To appreciate the view (Tunnel Vision living)

Faltering now, nascent feelings of inadequacy cloud your mind
Who are you kidding?
Latent feelings of inadequacy? (Yes)
Cliché existential crises? (God Yes)
Denial? (Don’t stop!)

Atoms for Peace on repeat (Before your very eyes)
Sinking into it like a warm bath
A glass of absinthe and a head full of dreams
Though you aren't asleep
Sinking into that hole, it feels like dying
The room spins
Senses rapidly disintegrate, one by one
A nothingness deeper and more profound than anything
Timothy Leary knew
As your head dips below the surface
A ******* child, D.M. Turner minced with Kerouac
Or a laudanum laced Thomas De Quincey
You saw god that night,
The layers peeled away
It was pure chaos and caustic fear
Brimming with breathtakingly beautiful apathy and acceptance
Quantum clairvoyance springs forth

You see how the cards will fall
God reminds you, “Everyone dies alone”
And you know the truth, he doesn't have to tell you:
God isn't there when you die
Smiling peacefully as your Sisyphean plight dissolves into the night

I'll sleep through this life
Like you did the past
Lost last lover's loquacious longing
And your lazy laconic lies
Just little faux pas kisses
On shallow sallow empty lips

40 hours in
           a warm mu agonist blanket
       reminding you
                      the sunnyside sea serene
                     .. ...that everything everyone
      will be ok

like the last time it felt right
        to let someone

life goes on
even if you're
standing still

Walk on the rocks with me
And I'll tell you
Secret inadequacies
By the lake shore
It's spring and crimson
Vermilion tendrils

how to move in
yuppie world not my own
yuppie circles all fake owned phony skills

shyster lies honed like blade on fool's gold
stone(d) as i am laughing sinking thinking
who really tells the truth


no straight n narrow
no translucent niveous lies (cheater)
what say you

shady backroom deals
pool game with two 8 *****
a better fit for liar like me
what say you
perfidy i tire of these games

Saturday night passing out on floor
Sleeping on the dog
She's my brood mother
Crumpled cans
Crumble

Cut a swath thru
Tinder *******
Drunk on the floor
With the dog

I’m a member of so many 21st counter cultures

Of which there are so many we are rendered meaningless

Wait, that’s not right, let me try again

“I choose to ignore this. Cabin in the Woods” He says, The Ostrich Method, head in the sand

And we’re running out of beer, I’m sobering up,

Or rather it was a sobering moment

Just more ammo for these moralists

“Ohh, you’re a drain on society” – buzzkillers the lot of ‘em

Probably religiouses with their ‘God’ and whatnot

“Thou shalt not get *******” or whatever, I dunno I’ve never read that thing

Meanwhile cook talk is running through my head “I’m pretty sure I’m dying” I tell him

Passive aggressive. ******. Isolated, negative worldview

Defeatism exemplified, the most educated generation ******* in the snow

Ya, I know. We’re entitled but they sold us a false reality

We can’t be anything we want, Jack, that’s a fallacy

“But He’s alright” he tells her. I guess they’d been ******* on men

I wanted no part of it – washed my hands of the whole affair

Focusing instead on scotch and rapidly disappearing ice

all chumps and chimpanzees gathered
round the fire roasting rotten meat
we are our ancestors no new species
evolutionary hubris we still drag
clubbed mongoloid feet
bashing out sabre tooth wisdom
on rocks in our pathetic
primordial little caves
hidden in these layers of abstraction
the alpha males still ****** the world
but now with bombs and jet planes
banks and bankers and atms and credit
thinking why bother but to get ******
i take tiger over sniveling banker or
manager who wont hire for
i lick not his bootheels
nor crawl up his
gaping ***
wound

ready to give up
go to rehab
for trauma and *****
tell the truth

cant handle
normal things
like bills, loud noises
push people away
they just want to use me

just wanted pain to stop
cant even get that right
day late and dollar short

take me away
numb me with
antipsychotics and lithium
different pills
same dependency
ready to give up

mother mother Mary
this ain't be my first last sin

this ain't my debut spin crash win
show you who a liar really is
tella true soul diss
like

i see right through you
transparent yet clouded
like the holy ghost
tame you as my host

This truly is day of days or at least some oncoming phase wherein lies are sound
and disillusioned soldiers sing sad soul songs about forgetting and how to belong when you can hear the man listening at the other end like paranoid little androids peck pecking at our crossed wires

Can't trust anyone anymore each tryst a fatal trip to that ghetto part of Montreal
Crotch told me about matter of fact
i was reading the rcmp's most wanted list
and ******* if there wasn't some dude named grizzley on there from Montreal with a wicked cool afro who is wanted for second degree ******

So you can go ahead and press in closer but my wheel spinning wheel caught in dirt brain will probably just send us both off the tracks off the wagon really though all still beautiful like old soul song or hopeless dying live you can't save tho you hope you feel you've tried