Strange things did happen here,
No stranger would it be:

Do you hear
The caw of the crow?
As ash falls
Like the never-coming snow.

Hush the little angels,
With a mockingbird that sings.
Promise them companionship,
And red-studded rings.

Listen as the raven-bird
Mocks you, nevermore, nevermore.
Bring forth the sunlight,
And stay forevermore, forevermore.

Strange things did happen here,
So no stranger would it be:
If we met below the harvest moon,
And read a spell in three's.

Sleep is for the weak,
And I'm too strong.
Up late thinking
Can't stop everything
From piling on.
And I'm just not tired,
I guess I'm excited,
But it's odd
How I just want you around
And it's strange
How easily I've fallen into this,
With you.

We don't need to be adults,
Even if we are.
And I love you,
And my insomnia's getting the better of me.
I'm thinking of your colors,
And listening to a playlist I made on your ipod.

Everything is disjointed,
And it's two fourteen am,
And it's pouring rain,
And I want to dance in the rain with you.
I want to be yours
From now until eternity ends.

Maybe I'm rambling,
Maybe I'm finally tired.
I love you,
And I'm terrified to go into
That town I hate tomorrow.
Maybe that's why I'm up,
Though I wish it was because
I'm on your mind.

Judging the millennials
For not wanting to have ***
With everything that moves.

Don't you understand,
It's not because of technology
Or a lack of human contact
Or emotional behavior?

It's because we're working ourselves to bone,
And we're reading books in order to succeed,
And we're studying everything and anything
We can get our hands on.
And we want something meaningful,
Something real,
Something honest.

Don't get me wrong,
I'm sure it'll be something that's worth it,
When the time comes for us all,
But isn't it better that we build relationships
Based upon foundations of friendship and loyalty
And committed hopes and dreams,
Investing our lives and ourselves into the other person,
Than doing it like rabbits do?

I'd rather love someone
For who they are
And how they make me feel,
Than be infatuated
With their organs.

We have taken a lesson from our parents generation--
Relationships built upon *** and nothing else end in failure, shame, and disgust.

So please,
Take a lesson out of our book.

*** is probably better
When holding the persons hand
Excites you just as much
As holding an existential conversation with them.

Please remember,
Lust holds no power over love.

"Hush,"
Whispers the wind,
"Quiet,"
Whispers the rain.

"You're panicking
For the sake of panic."

The music floats around me
And I realize maybe they're right.

It's easier to talk myself into
Being worthless
Than talk myself out of
Being scared.

But I need to
Take a deep breath
And understand
Not everyone is the same.

You're different,
And that's the reason I've always loved you.

I'm afraid and I lash out,
Push you away
And sabotage what we have
Because I'm scared of getting hurt
Getting burned.

I should be scared of fire,
Yet the more I see the nearer I draw.

But it's time to move on from
What I've known.
I need to be better.

"What is the opposite of two?"
"A lonely me, a lonely you."

But I can't let this storm
Overcast my progress,
Nor can I let
My guilt
Destroy who I am.

There's only so much
A person can do
And there's only so much
I can accept.

And I miss you
And I'm sorry
And I can't
I can't
I can't.

Remind me of a reason
Why
I choose to live this way,
And remind me of why
I choose to be honest instead of lie?

It would be easier to pretend
That I never knew--
But the guilt is eating away at me,
So I know I know I know.

Don't take my silence
As a way to say
I don't care,
Take it as
I have too much to say,
And you're not here to hear it
And that's my fault,
I know.

You'd be proud of who I am now,
I think you'd like this me better.
I can't pretend I haven't changed,
But I've changed for the better.

I can't go back there,
But at least I can try
To remember.

I'd like to think the storm
Is here
Because someone's trying to say something.
I don't know.

My eyes are buzzing
And colors flood my senses
And I'm suddenly blinded
By the the calming disassociation
That being livid sometimes gives me.

I don't take klonipon
Anymore,
Though my doctor still insists
On writing prescriptions for it.

And don't shove down my throat
How bad she thinks she had it,
Because she doesn't know
The half of it
And she doesn't even know
How this world works.

So I'll get myself
A glass of water,
Swallow down my anxiety and tears
Along with two Motrin and a couple Benadryl.

Wait for the colored noises
To calm down.
Rub at my eyes and ears,
Waiting for the ringing from my internal screaming
To stop.

And I see in blurs
And I hear in colors.

And so I will listen to Modern Baseball's album "Sports"
For the umpteenth time
To calm me down.

My wrists are wet from the ice
I would press to my veins,
And my skin is crawling
So I'll try not to touch anything
Besides my fingers to the keyboard.

I gave you the option
To love me or leave me.

And you chose the former,
So I somehow figure
That's the final decision.

And despite all efforts
Against us,
I know for a fact that we'll make it.

I feel too deeply.
I love too much.
I am much too fond
Of people
Who I can lose.

And I shy away from animals I can't have
As my friends
Because I'll get too attached
Too quickly
And then when I can't have them,
It will be very disheartening.

It's hard
Not having your colors to balance me back out.
It's difficult
Not being able to touch you
Feel you
Hear some part of your mind
Consistently,
Whether it be reading a text
Hearing your voice
Or seeing your colors.

I don't know
What to do
With myself.

I love each and every part of you,
Piece by piece,
Atom by atom.

I fall deeper into this darkness,
And as it tries to consume my every thought,
I feel your nails digging into my wrist,
Your fingers only tightening your grip.

I'm coming undone,
All the progress I've made,
Slipping through the cracks
In my surface.

Most people can't feel anything
When they get this way.

But I feel everything.

And even though I feel
Burdensome
And
Unwanted,

I also feel
An intense love for you,
Even still.

I just want you to hold me closer,
To hold my hand even when it's over.

These medications let me sleep through the night,
But they also make me want to sleep through the day.
I'm sorry I can't be better
In any way.

But I know you only hold on tighter,
And I know you just want me to get better,
But I'll never be 100%.
I'll never be entirely okay or normal,
Just as close as modern medicine
Can get.

But maybe if I let myself trust you,
Maybe if I open back up,
I can still be the me
That you fell in love with.

Or maybe I'll just fall apart,
Piece by piece,
Atom by atom.

I can feel the nausea and distaste
Pooling like blood from a wound in my mouth.

Spit and flush,
Brush my teeth,
Ignore the flashback creeping in the corner of my mind,
Because girls weren't people to you,
They were triumphs,
Beasts to have wrestled with and overcome.

And it makes me feel
The exact opposite of clean
Knowing you fooled me.

And as I'm scrubbing dishes in my mother's kitchen,
I make sure to scrub my hands with the rougher side of the sponge too.

When the hot water shuts off,
The cold of this virus
Hits me like a ton of bricks
And I see all these dark parts of myself,
And it twists like a knife in my stomach,
When I realize how much I hate you.

Bouncing between indifference and hatred,
The whiplash makes me nauseous.
I want to light your favorite shirt on fire,
Since you left it with me.
And I'm going to send the necklace back to your mom,
And the ring back to your brother,
Because neither thing was yours.

I don't deserve
To be reminded
That you were a part of my life,
And that part of my life was a lie.

I'm trying to pull through
An anxiety attack
So I type away
And hope to God it doesn't get much worse
Than a few labored breaths.

I can feel this virus
In the back of my throat,
Wrapping around my windpipe.

And with a few forced breaths
And dry eyes,
I push the sickening feelings
Back down my throat,
And this takes a turn now,
Because I just texted my Bluebird,
And all of a sudden I'm explaining almost-anxiety attacks
And we're talking about Pokemon Crystal,
Which he's playing on his phone.

And I ask him to promise,
And so he promises me
That he's not going anywhere.
And I'm crying because for the first time
In my entire life,
I believe someone when they make that promise.

And it hits me
Like a ton of bricks,
I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Panic floods my senses,
I can feel the tremors
In my hands
Starting up.

I am shivering
Though I am not cold.

Senseless triggers,
Unlike usual.
Being treated
Like a burden
Having my
Intelligence
Questioned,
Being anything less
Than what I aspire to be.

Shaky text messages,
Shaky typing
Lots of typos
Going back
Editing to make it look like
I'm a-okay.

I want to see
You.
I want to talk
To you.
Hear your voice.
Hold your hand.

At the very least
I want to hear your voice
I love you.
You love me.
I know you do.

Don't make me say I need you,
Though we all know it's true.

I am tearful and apologetic words,
Like a broken record,
The tear drops play on repeat.

I'd stop it if I could,
But I cannot.

My voice reverberates visions of the past
And apologies bouncing off of walls.

Empathy and guilt envelop me
And I am found wrapped in a cocoon
Of forethought and hindsight.

Impulsively,
I asked hypothetical questions
And fear nearly constricted my vocal chords,
But the fire in your eyes
Warmed me to the point that the fear of rejection freezing my voice and myself
Melted into my blood stream.

And I feel as though,
You might have known
If I hadn't been so afraid,
And you hadn't been so wary.

But waking up in your arms,
And feeling the beat of your heart
And seeing the vibrant expanse of your sunset reds/oranges and sea foam blues/greens,
Makes up for any embarrassing moment
Or awkward fear and anxious hesitation
I might have committed.

I am thankful
That you somehow look past
All the tears that stream down my face,
And my cold front of apathy when I'm not necessarily pleasant,
And somehow see a heart
Worth keeping around.

I used to love crows and blackbirds,
But since loving you,
I'd rather hear a bluebird sing
Than a raven caw.

I am slowly getting better.

I am slowly becoming more sure and more certain that I am safe with you.

logically I know I am, it's convincing myself of it.

I feel like a kitten
with my belly exposed.
you could choose to rake your claws over my stomach, puncturing through to the inside,
or you could carefully lift me up beside you,
with warm pets and hushed cooing.

but with every crashing noise
and sounds that are much too familiar,
I can feel myself flinching away
and towards a feral mindset.

you have to understand,
I'm used to being attacked,
to always being on the defensive.

the fact that you're willing
to calm my storm of a soul
is astounding.
the fact that you want to,
astounds me more.

I'm used to being controlled,
made to feel bad for feeling and wanting.
I am still adjusting
to being understood.

I hope you can understand,
this is all very new to me,
being treated with kindness
and respect.

Lying through my teeth was a lot easier
When I could sit back and pray.
But I don't have anyone, or anything
To pray to anymore.
I'm afraid that you taught me that.
I wish and I long and I yearn
But I surely don't pray any longer.
Because no one answered me
Long ago.
When I was more innocent
When I needed it most.
And I need it now,
But just because you need it
Doesn't mean you'll get it.

There are worse things than
Feeling.
There are worse things than
Wanting to feel.
And what's worse is that you tell me
That you still care
And all I hear are the chorus of angels/demons/monsters inside my head
Telling me that you're a liar just like me.
And I cry because **** it,
I swear that I'm honest.
And I cried because **** it,
Honesty never got me anywhere but farther down this hole.

But there is a light
At the end of this forsaken tunnel!

There is light,
In this dark, cold world.
You choose to ignore it. You choose to be unhappy. And I'm sick of letting you run my state of mind.
You had all you wanted right under your thumb, and you squashed it.
Because you want this state of perpetual sad.
But people are out there dying for us,
People are out there wanting what we have.
And they don't get it,
Because selfish, foolish children like you,
Take it for granted.

But ******* it if I don't leave this world happy.
******* it if I don't change my ways.

My legs are
Criss-crossed,
Sitting with my shoulders slouched
Trying to make waves
With words.

My eyelids are heavy,
The mania makes it so I don't sleep.
I've been manic
For a week.

Tired during the day,
Up to the moon at night.
But I take my pills on time,
So I can keep up the good fight.

I'm trying to be sane
When I'm not.
Trying so hard to be perfect,
Trying not to get caught

B
   R
      E
         A
            K
                I
                  N
                      G

So I'm mixed up but I'm

M
    A
        K
            I
              N
                  G

My way back
To the start.

I just have to find my way
Back to the start.

As a child I'd stare fondly at the barn owl
That would coo outside my older brother's
Window.

My mother would go on and on
About how the owl was a demon.

I was four years old
When I befriended a garden snake in the yard.
I'd run out to the garden,
After ladybugs or in search of caterpillars,
And the little black snake would peer out from under a bush,
Awaiting a piece of frozen chicken I'd bring him from the freezer in the garage.

He'd slither over my bare feet,
And I'd ask him questions
That I never received
Any answers to,
But I was still satisfied
With his presence.

And one day,
I was five,
And excitedly came home from my first day
At a kindergarten I never went back to after September was over.
I raided the freezer,
And brought out half a chicken breast
But Luce wasn't by the hydrangea's.

Finally I heard the smash
Of metal on pavement,
And he had been beheaded
By a neighbors dad,
Using a gardening trowel.

I was not fond
Of the irony.

And in the days to come
I'd make friends with the crows in the yard.

And in the months to come,
I'd recognize a love for creatures other than my own.

And in years following,
I'd much rather converse
With things that would not respond nor listen,
Than beings who think they know better.

And as being repeatedly rejected
And ostracized
Commonly does to a person,
I had resolved that only bad things
Happen to people I care for,
And whether it is true or not,
It is not fair to attempt to protect them
At the cost of their feelings
And my sanity.

So if I'm just bad news,
Let me borrow a line from Taking Back Sunday:
"If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar."

I will never be the rising sun
On a rainy day,
But allow me to be the rain
For the roots of a dying plant.
Allow me to be warmth
On an especially cold winter's day.

Allow me to be the relief
To your pain,
Somehow.
Whether it be the ice that runs through my veins,
Or the fire within my chest.

You have shown me
That flying is more than possible
For the likes of me.
You've very much
Been a beacon of light
On a day that clouds were overwhelming my vision.

I wanted to hold your hand,
But if given the chance,
I'd like to hold your heart.

I can't blame you,
Really.
You're bound by blood and guilt,
Guilt and blood.
You'd be better off
Without the xanax though.
You'd be better off
If you didn't smell like a decaying skunk.
But you wouldn't know right from wrong
The way you know right from left
When it comes to the haze you fall into
When all that high
And all that guilt
And all that blood
Comes into play.

And as for blue-tipped skinks,
Who like to pretend they're dragons,
Well, you might be garden variety
But the advice you gave unto me
To help a mangled capricorn
Ended up helping me
And now I'm so much better
Than I was.

I couldn't thank you enough,
The way you asked me how I was
Less than two months after
Everything imploded.
You only did what you thought was best,
And I will always understand that,
Even if it never landed in my, at the time, favor.

And as for weasels
Who have the tongues of snakes,
You did what you did for your own amusement
And you did what you did to stir up trouble
Because you thrive on chaos.
But your chaos forced me away
Forced me out
And into the arms
Of someone I've known and loved
For much longer than I've even flightily cared for you.

And I'm grateful.
Though it hurt,
So does all growth.
You were a growing pain,
And I have grown
Far beyond
My need for you.

I grateful to bats
And skinks
and even snake tongued weasels.

And I always will be.

I say "Fight me," too much,
For someone who flinches at loud noises
Or motions that are too quick
Or too close to my face.

I'm much too confident in my abilities
To withstand things,
For someone who breaks into tears
At truths that are too true.

I'm much too whole
For a person made of scars.

And sometimes I'm astonished,
That not all of them show through my skin
All the time.

I was once told that
It's the journey you have to depart to arrive.

I never really quite understood.

But it's that you have to let go of the past
In order to be fully present.

I still struggle with that,
But I'm getting there.

There are scars beneath my skin
That hurt when it's too cold
Or when it rains.
They sent me into shivers,
With shaking hands and a shaking voice.

You are
The ire
That burns the ice
In my gaze

The bones
My wolf dog grinds down
With his fangs

You are the dust
Left in my mortar and pestle

You are the ash
Left by the lightning
From my storm.

I call it
I call it
I call it to thee
I call it
I call it
I call it to thee.

I am the quaking, I am the end.
I am the shaking, I am the bend.
I am the wind, the thunder,
The rumble
That breaks your bones,
You scream,
You beg
But fire will not relent,
And you will not forget.

You have crossed
The wrong Storm Siren.

Knuckles white,
Bared teeth that clack together with every barked out, growled out insult.

Black eyes that show nothing but cold ferocity,
And your tears reflected in the churning, opaque surface.

Red lips, curled over teeth that are too light,
And a tongue that's too sharp.

The silver tongued flattery is gone, any sense of mercy or humanity within her words is gone.

She's throwing insults,
And they're pointed but not full of curse words.
Things like,
"Your useless daddy issues and ability to use people to give you a sense of self worth makes you even more pathetic than I previously had thought,"
Or
"How emotionally unstable and black heart'd do you have to be to lie through your teeth and attempt at wounding people worlds smarter than you are, you sick freak?"

Something else about crying wolf and worthless worms.

She analyzes people to dehumanize them.

You're sickened by her words and ability to be so cruel,
And the hot rage boiling inside her makes you feel queasy,
So you slam the door and lock it,
Locking her away.

She wasn't talking about you,
But she is you,
And that scares you more
Than you're sickened by the people she was talking about.

You took my heart right out of my chest
Like a knee to the stomach I often received
But will never forget.

You stomped on it and crushed it
Until all that was left was blood and shrapnel,
All because you lied and couldn't commit.

And then you came along and forced your way in,
It was easy and thoughtless and ******,
And according to all your friends, I had it coming.

Gas lighting and manipulating
Pushing me over the edge over and over and over
Throwing hissy fits when you left me and I started dating.

You use people like they're toys
And treat them like they're trash.
All I can remember is the low of your voice,
It's my most disdained noise.

It's hard to bring myself out of it,
Out of the screaming matches
And the cruelty and my lips being split.

But I know he'll never hurt me
Like either of you did.
Because he's not so beastly,
And I'm, for some reason, worthy
Of kindness and being treated gently.
And his love is setting me free
Of the shackles you both have placed on me.

My heart is easily wounded,
The skin is raw and easily torn open,
Like scar tissue, it can't callous,
It can't harden.

My heart is warm and feverish,
A fire burning constantly,
In hopes to warm whomever touches it.

And it is a beautiful burden,
To feel so greatly,
To love so deeply.

And I will bear this burden
For forever
If it means loving you
So deeply
For all of time.

I was thirteen
When I swore I'd never fall in love.

Boy, was I wrong.

And I'm sitting here in your sweatshirt,
And I'm thinking
"I might maybe be more than you need right now."
With all these scars,
And pessimistic point of views for only me.

And then I realize,
I'm the type of person that hates storms,
And you're the type of person that I'd dance in the rain for.

And I don't wanna be the one
To ruin someone
Beautiful like you.

But then maybe
I should just let it be okay.

And let things take their course.

And maybe it's crazy,
Because the feeling of when you take my hand in yours,
Or that look right after you kiss me.
Or the smile you have when I make you laugh,
All of it,
It's the reason I finally focus.

I'm out of focus,
Usually.
In another world,
Another place.

But when you're around
Suddenly I'm okay with this place too.

Maybe it's crazy,
But I'm crazy.
And maybe it's unbelievable
But the vibrant blue of your eyes
And the spiral of your colors
And the way you care so deeply,
And you don't even say a word,
But there's a fire in your eyes,
Your voice and tone
And mannerisms.

I don't think you understand,
This is more than I bargained for,
And it's okay,
Because maybe this is crazy--
Okay yeah, it might be crazy,
But the light of yours
In the dismal dark that is
The fog of my mind
Has become a
Clarity I never knew I could have.

And yeah maybe it's crazy to say,
But at thirteen I swore I'd never fall in love.

And maybe I'm crazy. (Kay, yeah, I am)
But I'm in love with you.

Thanks for being a reason
To hold onto hope,
And to break a vow.

It's easy to hate people
For things you don't understand.
I know.
I've been on both ends.

And the funny thing
About people hating other people,
Is that we're really not that different.

I mean, according to recent studies,
Race doesn't even biologically exist.

And most religions look and act the same,
In some way, shape, or form.

Almost every one has started some type of war,
Though it was truly based upon greed and power.

Humans have a strange thirst for power,
I've never really understood it.

I've hated my fair share
Of humans.
Granted, most of them were violent ******.

Granted, so am I.

Though I am violent in the vindictive, spiteful sense.
No better, really.
A false sense of righteousness
Because I believe I can cast judgment upon those who have sinned,
While ignoring my sins.

You have no reason to judge another,
For you are not clean of sin.

Now,
I'd get off my high horse,
If the ground wasn't so *****
And full of hate.
It makes my stomach weak,
Too much dark.
Not enough light.

Of course,
If all were well,
I'd think there were too much light,
Not enough dark.

There needs to be a balance,
But the balance is too dark.

I wonder how you can't see it,
How you can force yourself into denial
And live in your little fantasy world
Where all is good, and all is this, and all is that.

I'd like to think it's because you haven't seen what I've seen,
But you have.

But you do know.

And that scares me.

So keep hating this,
But not that.
Keep hating that,
But not this.

You can't make excuses,
When you hate all around the board.

Be careful who you hate,
It might be someone you love.

Every night
I dream about losing you
And when I wake
The tears don't stop.
Some nights you die,
Other nights you walk away,
And I can only think:
What have I become to you,
What have I done to you?

I know sooner or later,
You'll be going away for a little while.
But if we can get through that,
When you return,
We'll both be stronger.

But I love you,
And I need you,
And my heart hurts
So bad without you.

I told myself I'd never need anyone
Not anymore
Not again.
But just look what I've done.
Look at what I've become.

But I wouldn't have it
Any other way.
You're mine.
All of you.
I don't want you to change who you are
If it isn't from your own
Volition.

I am what the world was
Before you grasped it between your
Too-warm hands and crushed it into
Nothing more than shrapnel.

You left me there,
With my heart spilling out of my mouth,
With your words tangled up in my throat,
And you told them I was just
"Collateral Damage."

But when I shoved my insides
Back inside
And stitched myself up
With shards of broken glass for a needle
And thread made from nerve endings,
I saw your eyes widen in shock.

You didn't think I had it in me.
You didn't think I'd make it.
You didn't think I would really fight with everything I have.
You didn't think that even if I did, that I'd have enough to win.

You were wrong.

I am the color of your eyes
Before you turned your back and said
"Goodbye."
What I mean is,
I am a shade of something
That is so beautiful,
But could turn so ugly, so quickly,
With a single sneer.

I am the old dog
That reminds you of the dog you grew up with.
I have the same knowing eyes,
The same playful grin.
You look at me,
Eyes filled with anger,
Hands shoving me away from you,
Because you remember doing everything together
With that dog.
You ate together,
Played together,
But one day when you both fell asleep for an afternoon nap,
Only one of you woke up.

I still don't think you've forgiven yourself for that.

And it all began
with a childish glance
a type of mattering
a sense of silly faces
and caring
and playing
and able to find a balance
between the properness of age
and the fun of not acting like it.

and then it begins again
with wide open conversations
and sorting out feelings
and nervous but giddy meetings
and realizations upon handshakes and hugs,
and falling into you
the way I fell for you,
consciously, consensually, and close to immediately.

to begin the beginning
happens slowly,
and then all at once.

like the process of becoming real,
or falling in love.

and maybe that's because that's exactly what it is.

to begin again
is to become real
and to fall in love
all together.

And I am bent
And I am broken,
But I have been mended
Into a shape
Much better than before.

And I like to close my eyes,
And drift away
To a memory
Of your eyes
Grazing my features,
And that smile
I love so much
Playing on your lips.

I want to remember
Forever
Everything about you.
And I'm so at peace
Over the fact that this could really be forever,
I want so bad for this
To be forever.

But I'm so astonished
That we fit so well,
And that we click so well--
Isn't that what we called it?
"Clicking"?

And I can't wait
To show you
Just how much
You mean to me.

Thank you for letting me fly with you,
But let me help you too,
Let me love you too.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the warmth of you holding me,
And I love the way you smile
And the way you laugh
And the way you make funny faces at me
To cheer me up.

I love the face you make when you're focused,
And I love catching you off guard enough
To make you laugh.

But I hate the part of me that desires comfort,
And I hate the part of me that can't stand to watch
Anyone hurting,
And watching videos about children under the age of five
Makes me choke up
And the feeling of loss suffocates me.

But you bring me hope and comfort,
And a sense of peace I've never had.

I can't wait
For you to come home,
And I can't wait to plague you with kisses
And hugs
And all the cuddling
You can stand.

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think this has become terminal.

I can't just erase my scars with ointment,
Get a shot,
And pop some pills daily,
And be entirely cured.

The pills keep it at bay,
Farther than it would be.

But I'm a ticking time bomb.
Without the pills,
I would have already gone off.

With them,
It only pushes off the inevitable.

I will be better,
Better than before.
Better than this.
Better, in a respect.

But I will never actually
Get better,
Will I?

I don't know how to break the news to you,
But I think I've become terminal.

Will a significant other
Make your life better?

No.

Will a man who tells you beautiful things
Make your world brighter?

No.

But can your best friend
Love you like no one else?

Yes.

Can he light up the world
Like nothing else has ever had light before?

Yes.

Will loving yourself and him selflessly make your life better?

Yes. Yes it will.

Do not try to tell me
That humans
Do not need
Other humans.

We are pack animals
By nature.
Love is love is love.

And I love you.

The sky opens up,
And rain pours from the sky,
Thunder cracks in the distance,
And for the first time in forever,
As my skull is relieved of pressure,
I think "Finally."

And I'm not afraid of the rain,
Any longer,
Because the man I love
Likes the rain,
And so maybe I should too.

My Bluebird, if I can fly with you,
Then I'm sure I could dance in the rain too.

But of course, not today.
I'll wait for you.

Close your eyes.

It doesn't hurt at all, I promise.

If you get scared, you can squeeze my hand. I don't mind.

I know it looks bad, but it's okay. It's all okay.

You don't need to be afraid.

I promise.

But when I open my eyes,
I find rather quickly
That there's no one else here.
I was talking to myself.
Reassuring myself.

The room is blank.
Grey.
The light that comes from
The only window
Is dull and grey.
Overcast.

It's the only thing that's comforting here.

It's too quiet. Too empty.
Too hollow.

The silence is deafening.
My chest feels heavy.

If I close my eyes,
For a second,
I can remember another place.
A place with color.
A place with you.

For a second,
I can imagine it.
I can pretend I'm there.

I can almost feel you there,
For a second.

But it doesn't last nearly long enough,
And then you're gone.

The problem is,
This room doesn't exist.
It's a metaphor.

Because the moments in time that I feel (almost) normal,
Where I am (almost) passing for neurotypical,
That's when I see you.
I'm there.
I can almost reach you,
Touch you.
I can almost be like you.
I can almost...
Almost.

I can only ever almost.
And almost has never been enough.

And I can tap my hands against yours,
Or rub my scars,
Or hold my doll closer to me,
Or bounce up and down,
But all the stimming in the world
Won't keep me calm forever
And it won't make me better.

And I just want to be better.
I don't want to be sick.
I'm so sick of being sick.

I've tried accepting it all as part of me.
As it being me.

But I can't.

Because I see the way you look at me.
It's the same way everyone looks at me
When they think I don't notice.
I know that look.
It's the same look that teachers gice their students when they just can't help them with their problem.
The only good thing as that you don't
Use the voice that everyone else does.
I know that voice, too.
It's the same voice people use when talking to a scared animal that might become hostile.

I am not an animal.

I am not a lost cause!

But I see the way you look at me.
I know that look.
Everyone gives me that look,
Once they figure it out.

I am not an animal,
I am not a lost cause.
At least,
That's what I keep trying to tell myself.

But I don't even believe it anymore.

I want to be better.
I want to be better,
But I don't think I can be the better
You want me to be.

I'm done
with being hopeless.

I am done
with feeling defeated.

it is easy
to wallow in pity

but it is right
to stand back up.

I might never
belong
but my heart
will always
belong to you.

you help me be strong
when my knees feel weak,
you show me light
when I can only focus on the shadows.

you are my soft song
above the deafening silence.

you are my sunlight
my summer breeze
my giddy hope for life
and my Bluebird of Peace.

amid all the chaos
you ground me again,
and keep me from drifting off
into oblivion.

you've shown me
that I am better
as me.
and through out small actions,
and little bits of subconscious love,
you've shown me that
I can be a better me
if only I trust in you.

and trust in you I will continue to do.

He left me on my best friend's front porch step
Six months and thirty two days ago.
And looking back,
I couldn't be happier.

And they say that breaking up is kind of like a competition,
Who can lose more weight, be in a better mindset, accomplish more,
Within the span of time that they are single and if it continues through not being single.

And being with him,
I lost twenty pounds from not eating
Because I felt afraid to leave the room
Or the house
And I felt afraid
Of him.

I went to the hospital weighing
110 lbs.

I am now at a healthy weight again,
But my dresses still don't fit right,
They're a little too loose in the waist,
But I'm still full in my hips
And full in my chest.

It was like a divorce,
And he got custody of all our friends
And my toaster.
But they weren't real friends
If they chose him and him alone.

Blind as bats, and just as crazy.

I was a mess when he left, I'm being honest.
And before that, I was a mess too.

But I'm better now.

I'm better and I'm stronger and I can stand on my own two feet
And not let a vapid, controlling, womanizer
Get me down.

I am better than I ever was
Before I met him,
And I am better, a thousand times more
Than I was when he left me.

And I am so thankful,
So grateful,
That he left the way he did
And that he left at all.

I was a shell of a human,
But I am better now.
Small accomplishments and pride in my work and myself.

He's dating the poor thing he cheated on me with.

And I couldn't be happier for them.

I have love in my heart I had held onto for so long,
And I can finally give it to you, because I know you deserve it,
And I can stand with you against the world
As a united front against whatever may come.

Because I am strong, resilient, and ethereal.

Because I am braver now, stronger now, better now.

I do things better when I'm drunk.
I think fuzzily,
But I feel much more profoundly.

I do lots of things better
When I don't think too much,
Though.

When I giggle
When I laugh
When I'm all smiles
And nothing fazes me.

But I shouldn't have more than two drinks
When I'm with you,
Especially when you're drinking.

I barely have enough patience for your drunk-self
When I'm sober,
But when I feel this much,
For both you and I,
I can't do it.

Frankly,
You make an *** of yourself.

I'd point out why,
But I'm too buzzed for that.

I'm sure I'll forget
Come morning.

My scars keep me up at night,
And what was done has left me
Afraid of visions of the past,
Implementing them now,
Into things they don't belong in.
And I know you're not that way,
You won't just walk out,
You won't leave me
So broken
So beaten
So desolated--
For you won't leave me at all.

But I have been left and used,
Left scarred and bruised,
And I'm so very scared.
But it's all for nothing--
It doesn't mean a thing.

You're here to stay,
And I know that's true.
I just hope I'm not broken to you,
And that I'm not beyond repair.

You clipped my wings
For years.
Subduing me through medications
That now I take to help me.

You clipped my wings,
And for what?
To watch a downward spiral
Of regret and turmoil,
And you'll never be proud of me
Unless I turn out just like you.

You clipped my wings,
But I've grown brand new feathers:
I'm flying and I'm soaring.
This life I have just proves
That your judgment and scorn is boring.

You used to clip my wings,
But you don't have a hold on me anymore,
And I know it's driving you absolutely mad
Watching me soar.

You used to clip my wings,
And I'm so glad that you're not in charge,
Because this is my life,
And I know that drives you crazy.

You used to
And still are trying to
Clip my wings.
But you can't,
I won't let you.
I'm just who I have to be.

You can't clip my wings anymore.

It's time to let birds of a feather
Flock together.

I'm waiting for your voice,
And I'm waiting for you.
I could wait forever,
But I'm sure I won't have to.

I wish I could ease your worries,
I wish I could calm your mind.
I wish I could love you properly,
But that will come in due time.

I am waiting
For your arms around my waist,
I am waiting
For a closing of this space.

I am getting better.
I am stronger than before.
I know it will take lots of time,
But every day this better grows a little more.

I want to make you proud,
I want to make you smile.
I want to be what makes your heart flutter,
As you've been mine for awhile.

My birthday
Is Sunday
And i'm terrified
Something always
Goes wrong
And all i want
Is for it to go right.

My thoughts are split.

Part of me wants a normal birthday.
Flowers, dinner, a present or two.

The other part of me wants to hide under my blanket the entire day.

But what if i go the route
Of a normal day.
I'm selfish
For wanting flowers
And i'm
A glutton
For wanting dinner
And greedy
For presents.

And if i go the other way
I'm melodramatic
For thinking the day
Will be terrible,
And i am making it so
By being scared.

I lose
Either way.

I haven't thought of you in months.
I haven't said your name in years.

I hold no ire for you,
or the apologies I sent to you desperately
that you'd never accept.

and I'll always ******* care,
but I can't bring myself to care about anyone
that's walked out of my life
and slammed the door
anymore.

I'd love to rehash a friendship,
I'd love to apologize till my mouth bleeds,
I'd love to figure out
the sins I've committed
and all that went wrong.

but that's not my life
anymore.

I'm in love
with someone I cared for,
before I ever loved you.

I'd love to make amends
but there's no way
I can fix what I did
anymore.

so thanks for the memories,
and thanks for being who you are,
who you were,
and who you will be.

I will always care.
I just can't care as much as I'd like to
anymore.

Keep your eyes closed
bite back tears.
you don't need the attention,
you don't need the affection.
get over it.

be kind
and respectful
keep your head down
try not to flinch
when things get too loud.

don't tear up
and don't cry
don't make it obvious
if you do.

you're worried and you're scared
but there's no need to fret.

cook, clean, who cares for praise
or acknowledgment?

be nice and respectful and small.

you have no voice to be used, yet.

choose to be obedient and submissive because your fire starts too many confrontations.

bite back tears, anger, words.
bite back your defiant voice.

no need to start up, yet.

I'm not cure,
If anything
I'm the epitome of
Nicotine.

I'm deadly and addictive,
Filled with venomous scorn
And a flaring volatile temper
When my insecurities get the best of me.

I'm too smart for my own good,
And quick-witted.
My moral compass almost always
Points north,
But being Chaotic Good,
I rely on my moral compass,
Rather than moral and orderly rights and wrongs.

Kiss me and breathe me in,
I'll blacken your lungs.
Kiss me and breathe me in,
My words will blacken your heart.

I am dangerous,
I am deadly,
How you chose me,
I'll never know.

But you've healed these
Blackened lungs,
And you've cleared up,
This blackened heart,
Just by the
Gentle care within
Your voice
And your touch.

And I can't imagine
A life without you,
So I won't
Even bother
Trying.

All I want
Is to be held
In your arms.

Their voices
Their arguments
And their cruelty
Pierces my ear drums,
And it hurts
And I can't breathe,
Why can't they just be adults?

Why am I the adult?
You don't need to fight every battle
That comes your way.

You don't need to pick a fight
With everyone.

I don't understand,
I'm an adult.
But not quite as old as you two are,
But you're acting like children,
And not in the fun way.

It's not that difficult to get along
With each other,
I don't understand.

In the scheme of things,
Your offenses are not so bad,
There have been many
That are much, much worse.

But you fight like cats and dogs,
Nothing is your fault,
Has to be the others.
I don't want to be you,
I don't want to be this,
I don't want to become
Unforgiving and cold,
With pent up frustration
That festers and turns to rage.

I don't want to be
Cruel with my words,
Taking every chance to jump down
The throat of someone I claimed to love.

I refuse to be like that.

And I refuse to talk back.

Bruises and scars
May wound my flesh,
But words destroy me.

And maybe it's not words,
But the lacking of them,
And the lacking of inflection
Or enthusiasm.

It's funny how
Words and injuries hurt,
But the things that destroy you most
Aren't even there.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

I have iron overshadowing my scent
and gore coating my skin.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

it's pooling at my feet,
and dripping down my stomach.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

it's spurts from my heart
and begins to film at my ribcage.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

the blood from my veins is seeping through my pours,
and streaming from my tear ducts.

I'm bleeding,
can't you tell?

I'm wounded,
I'm hurt,
I'm so broken and damaged and--

I'm bleeding--

wait.

no, I'm not.

I'm slowly healing, and the wound is scabbing over.

I'm gonna be okay.

Sip from your glass,
So high and mighty.
I'd like to make you
Swallow your teeth.

The current is calm,
The waves are slowing,
This is a calm before a storm,
A pause before I get going.

And darling, I'm yearning
To watch your soul burning,
As I'm sure it is.
There's fire on the surface
Burning through
Leaving nothing left.

The memories you left me with,
Keep me up at night,
Make me sick,
And I'm so sick of being sick,
This is why I told you not trust me
With a weapon in hand.

And
I'd come after you
If I really cared,
But I'm not that bitter,
Mostly just offended by your
Childish nature.

Leave me out of it,
Out of your life
Away from you.
I'm nothing to you,
As you're nothing to me.

There's blood in your water,
The oldest omen in the book.

Toxic VS. Toxic,
Hey ***, it's kettle.

Blood in your water,
Poisoning your lungs
Your veins
Leaving your black heart
Oozing black lifeless
Emotionless goo,
As you don't have a hope
Nor a heart
Nor a kind little lie,
Left in your dull head.

My skin is stained
with ink.
my jeans are stained
with blood.
the lace of my shirt
still yellow and bright.

I'm holding onto your sweatshirt
but I can't tell
if I'm okay.

my throat hurts
and my head is spinning.

and I don't know
if I can take
the complete and total lack
of empathy
and amount of social apathy
in this world.

but we're all here for a reason
and everything happens for a reason
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I
can
live
with that.

everything happens for a reason,
and we're all here for a reason,
and if my reason
just so happens to be
being yours

I think
I can
happily live
with that.

we're all here to do a little good
and to be a little brighter
than our pasts
and I'd like to be your light
if you should
allow.

I wear the blue bloodstone you gave me
Around my neck,
Locked away in a spiral cage.

But your eyes shimmer
And shine
In the darkness.
And you have galaxies in your eyes,
So I guess it's fitting
That what I give you in turn,
Has galaxies trapped inside it.

I know
I am terribly difficult to love.
And I know
I am terribly easy to leave.

But you're it.
You're all I need.

And I hold the cold
Dyed agate you gave me in my hand
Until the stone gets warm
From what little body heat
I have to give.

I can only pray
That you'll come home
Safe and sound
With lots of love for me,
Because I know when you come home
I'll have lots of love
To give you.

I keep cutting out
Pieces of myself
To give
Everyone else,
Expecting to receive the love
I so desperately try to give.

Hoping someone
Somewhere
Will finally stay.

But Frost said
Nothing gold can stay.
And maybe I was wrong.
And maybe he was actually right.

I fall easily for knowledge,
For interesting facts,
And peculiar information.
Things that most people
Don't know,
Which leads me to not knowing
Things that most people
Do know.

I had a little cousin
Who used to think I made it rain
When I was sad or angry.
And she used to be absolutely livid with me
When it rained.

There were points in time,
Where I was such a mess,
And the rain was so unrelenting,
That some small, childish part of me
Partially believed her.
But maybe that was my
Ability to take guilt from anything.

People used to say
That I have a chip on my shoulder,
That I have rain clouds
trailing behind me.

It used to be,
That if you wanted to find me,
I could be found on the front porch
Of my foster parents home,
Sitting in one of the rocking chairs
That used to out there,
Listening to the rain,
Watching the storms,
Reading T.S. Eliot or Edgar Allen Poe,
Or something.

That was before.

Now hearing the rain makes me flinch
And I can't watch it,
And I can't let myself focus on it,
But if it's the only thing to focus on
That's all I hear and I'm stuck in the past.

Now if you want to find me,
I don't know where to point you to.
I'm relearning myself.
Damage and all.

I could flip through a million pages,
In a thousand books,
And still not find
The right phrasing
The right combination
Of 26 letters
And 1,025,109.8 words,
To describe
The love in my heart for you.

I cannot find the right mixture
Of sentences
And paragraphs
To articulate
The amazement
And fantastical
Wonder
That is the entirety
Of you.

But I cannot just let
"I love you"
Suffice.

Because I do not give up,
And I do not give in,
And I will not let
A language keep me
From reiterating
How much you mean to me.

And maybe it's sappy,
And this is cliche,
But all I know right now
Is that your hand in mine,
And me in your arms,
Is the ending I so desire
For this story.

I could travel
To distant lands,
Dangerous oceans,
And unknown places,
And still find not one thing good enough
To describe all that you are to me.

I find comfort in books,
And warmth in pages,
But it is not the same comfort
Nor the same warmth
I find in your smile
Or within your arms.