The things that
She asked for
She never got

But the things that
God gave her
Was all she ever needed

I'm sleeping, dreaming, suffering sensory deprivation
Inhibited, relaxed, circadian rhythms coursing through
REM, renewing cells, awaiting the terror of the night.

I wake, here you come, slowly, announcing your presence
Until you stand over me
I cannot move, immobile

I cannot scream, mute
I cannot fight, struggle or defend
I feel you, looming above me

Thrashing will only alert you to my knowing of you
I calm my breathing, relax my posture, think of the coming sun
Advertising my lie that I know you are here.

You lean forward I smell your foul, fecund hot breath
Your infertile want of me by you, but I want him
You are not him

Slowly, you pull the sheet down
I remain still,knowing that you do not exist
A memory of long ago, of my helplessness

He, is asleep beside me unaware of you
Of your torment night after night
I want him to turn in his sleep

To face me, take me into a lover's knot
Show you my tormentor that you failed
Failed when I was 18, and will fail now I'm 39

But, he sleeps the sleep of the innocent
You keep trying, night after long night
And, I will keep eluding you.

like a fish out of water
walking backwards upstream
grand illusion of compliance
buying nothing sight unseen

respecting their essence
detached from their path
connected in spirit
repelled by all wrath

norms without ethics
morality sans love
passion ever searching
a need to rise above

heart sinking hatred
mind numbing neglect
mountain moving greed
rarely circumspect

not infrequently i ponder
how my being was unfurled
wondering deeply in my soul
if i belong to another world

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I just can't seem to do anything right
Why can't I look like her?
Why can't I get a guy or girl like him or her?
Why can't I be interesting?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be normal?
Whatever that is
Will I ever be happy?

I want someone around, but I want to be alone at the same time
I want to cuddle up with someone, but I don't want to be touched

Why do I hate being touched?

It's weird
Touching someone
It feels weird
Especially when they touch me
I get aggravated when someone does that
      even angry sometimes

But then I think: who would love a girl who hates herself? How can anyone love a girl who hates herself?
Who would want a girl when she doesn't even want herself? How could they?

They can't

I don't know how to to love myself when all I've done was hate myself
I don't know how to accept myself when all I've been doing was trying to reject it

*How do you change yourself to look beautiful in your own eyes?

I wanna fire you in my veins;
have you ruin my life
I want you to be the cancer, baby
I have to cut out with a knife