All along.
Bring you flowers and a kiss on the cheek,
Wash your dishes and steal your coats on the walk home alone,
Talk to you for hours and hours and hours in your kitchen
I doubted because,
I'm terrified of drowning you,
The bricks of my arms around your neck
Too heavy to stay afloat in all this ocean,
What if you told me to go home
without hugging me goodbye?

But i was allowed this much love
and than a little bit more and another,
and another and another
Because you loved me like this,
All along.

This journal,
Like a home,
Four years
in the womb.
I despise
What you hold
But I'm glad
You took it
from my hands.

I am the bravery of someone desperate enough to love,
I am its strongest, most willing soldier.
I will grab the mountains and skies,
I will paint you and write you and cherish you.
And them, too.
Can you take all of me?
Can you survive without me.

that is what you are
with your hands on fire
and my back burned to a crisp
and the soft breaths you let out
like a warning
that you are hungry for more
i know it, glutton,
you and the teeth of your fingers
i feel their want,
and still i fake sleeping.
I'm afraid, sweet one,
I'm afraid.

we are friends,
and I'm so afraid of getting into your bed again.

maybe I should've read more about love,
to understand its meaning.
maybe I should've told you from the start,
maybe I should've heard your part.

I see your body and its changes, the way your skin had to stretch, bend a little,
There's roundness in places I didnt want to touch so bad before and
I think the beauty it holds makes my hands grow hearts too.

I find you so beautiful that the words slip out in cornerstores, in goodbye hugs,
In fingers lingering for a little too many times in the
Crooks of your elbows where your skin is softer,
In the plumpness of your sides,
In your own very pretty hands.

I wanna ask if I can keep you in my arms a little tighter, a little longer.
But the world's still a witness and I get shy under its gaze,
Forgive me for now.

In the grand scheme of things, I just want to be touched
In a way that is meaningful,

I fear being witness to the ghosts who lie in the hands of others,
When they are so close to mine but not close enough yet,

In the moments where I imagine
What I could be doing
Instead of doing it.

In the small schemes of things, I just want to be taken care of in a lovely way,
Craddle me, precious,
Wash my hair,
Caress my arms and
Let us not be afraid.

veins and bones and flesh and stones and
breathing ******* the sidewalks when my lungs've decided to give out
how long have i been hiding
choking this part of me
its growing out, out
flesh and veins and bones turnin stones
cant be like other kids my body's broke

like cutin off my limbs
feel one but live as two,
cant let you win this one,
i'll be me before you
magic in my hands,

i'll let it shine through.

there were a few citizens resting high on my shoulders,
wishing me sweet nights and mellow days,
i learnt to juggle so they could stay perched safely over my body.
my back yells sometimes, at me but never them, about how their houses are made of bricks and their bricks are made of pain,
i dont listen, i keep on going,
the little people need me to protect their houses
and if my shoulders can be tough enough
to make them warm and happy,
shouldn't they, then?

today i went in your room
time stopped counting itself since you've been gone
but the dust collects and the
pink shorts on your bed
are still pink, i admit
i picked them up just to see if things
changed as fast as me,
they don't really.

i put them on just like i promised I'd do a month or so ago
it's not as fun, this color,
without you.

so i let them back on your bed,
but i changed the placement, changed the movement,
you were there once and now you're gone
and we're both the witness of it all.

fall, get back up, fall again,
get backer up,
made of stone at this point
this tough little guy, the pretty fellow
God who the **** allowed you to
let him trip like this,
the dumb little thing,
the stupid dust speck,
watch him stumble again and again,
won't he just get tired of
the ground kissing both his cheeks,
won't you leave him breathe

could you please be nice to me?
do i have to beg for your kindness,
i take up space actually, just like everyone else,
should i speak louder maybe,
yell it in every room i enter
"a person is entering! that person is me"
look into my eyes, look, closer look,
that person is me!

puzzle pieces, isn't that interesting
the ultimate dream of them all, to fit in perfectly with
someone else, be as one, form something bigger,

what if i am no puzzle, or no piece,
what if i am the whole puzzle, ate all the pieces.
wouldn't i choke,
would the other piece suffocate me or
would i be the one breaking your windpipe with just how heavy my love can be,

i have been many many things and yet just one and i want to eat peaches with my mother in the summer heat when the wood of our outdoor table starts to burn and the wind picks up but it's too warm, so warm,
and i'll get sweaty but i'll be happy,
what if she was my puzzle piece,
created the whole game then let me paint it however i wanted,
i don't understand belonging. maybe i want to belong.
maybe it scares me,
maybe the peach can eat my fears instead.

the wonders of your palms and their beating hearts,
all the glory they held, all the lines they made come alive.
i was so blinded by you,
nobody else compared, it's true.

i won't ever love again like you,
I'll be better at it instead, make a home out of myself and be the first one to step in, my hands,
wonderful hands,
will create the world if they have to.

birds chirp and chirping, spilling all the forests' secrets
the roots have dried up you see,
the branches ****** em dry,
the rains kept on falling last summer, tear tracks all over the house,
tonight the fox will come out, but only if the moon shines enough to make him feel warm,
and the wind kept yelling and yelling and yelling so hard
that every single leaf fell down their tree.
birds stop meddling, keep to the sky where your feathers belong and
let your beak rest for the night, tired as it gets,
because i want to learn all the secrets myself.

i was ready to eat the whole word if i had to

I've made a home inside for you,
left you the key, the lock and presents too,
know you already have your own heart to care about,
yet remember that mine can beat for you
if you allow it to.

the rice was good i wanna die in my bed
tired of being sad and lonely
wish i were a little bun in an old oven
gettin crisp crisp crispy

oo yea

little bun
wish i were a little bun
warm me up
eat me, find me good,
i can die now
in my little bun bed
crisp

it's not quite summer and i feel like a fridge
holding on to every fruit and tomato lying around,
protecting them from the harsh rays of the sun
keeping them fresh away from the annoying flies lazing around the kitchen

store all your greasy little remnants of food in my belly,
give me all your forgotten leftovers,
no gift is a waste to me, pretty fridge that i am, I'll cherish them all like cold little treasures.

and when i get *****, when the glass stops being shiny,
the stains like flower fields on every single one of my walls,
the colors or the fruits not so sweet anymore,
i know that i won't be pampered, won't be held precious like an infant,
the plates will still be stacked, the paint will still peel off,
i feel like that summer fridge, yes,
unable to help myself.

in the cities at night,
only few wander,
we took a risk then, right ?
a one time wonder,

so close to your hand,
but i didn't dare touch it,
said i'd loved you and
wasn't quite the right fit.

looking at the ground,
you admitted the secret,
took a while to be found,
shooed under your carpet

you'd loved me just the same,
and hadn't really stopped since,
couldn't stay quite so tame,
made me feel like a prince.

in this city that night,
we were the few to wander,
didn't take the risk then, right ?
but no longer we wonder.

i was too exhausted to ask you for comfort,
just wanted to sleep in my bed and
forget that the day was beautiful and
still i felt unhappy,
still slumber just wouldn't take me.

yet my chest thanked you in the night when it soared and i
could feel your arms
like a feeble protection over me,
your body pressed to mine
to guard me,

i was glad to be loved by you
in this tender lonely night,
just happy to be a we.

sometimes it just feels wrong, being me,
what am i again ?
my own one million dollar question
after all these roads and broken ankles,
trying to fit in, then out, then
getting stuck.

ended up sitting on the curb,
for months, waiting
maybe time will chose for me,
cause my wishes will be ripped from my hands,
any way.

i sit, and my bones are crooked
from all the stress
and its agony,
i sit, and
i wonder
tomorrow, can i even just 𝘣𝘦 ?

how long has it been since you've been feeling lonely
probably a few days
probably since you were born
lonely or lonesome, i read once, both are very different,
i think i can't accept to be more than one, i create
the **** curve
not where it starts, that is the hand of God or maybe simply
the hands of others
but i make it end.

i need to leave before
you touch too close to home, before you see the cracks
in the ceiling - there's many, but the paint is fresh always
i am happy, i am so happy,
i feel so crushed,
they both overlap,
i need to be hidden away in a cave like a
dead something, maybe a rabbit, he got lost on the way
and the winter took him for himself,
i am the rabbit and the winter and the cave and
i am lonesome, as all three.

my body and my hands and my body again and my hands again
and the mess above them who tells them how to act and to feel,
they come back and hunt me always
in texts and dreams
i want my body to be
loved
i crave it so bad and it will never go
away, the craving, but
i'm so afraid of it
this body
why is it so weird
to be a body ?
if you touch me, if you
rub my back when it gets sore, if your hands are a bit
too kind to my skin,
i will crumble to pieces. one piece then
just pieces, now,
not like i am broken, i amn't
yet you could unmake me,
like a dream that's been alive for too long,
and suddenly the pieces of it disappear
why do they
disappear ?
because the dream was too slow ! it was too long to settle
like this body exactly
so long in the making, in the accepting too, in the lovin'
the dream furniture
becomes lands, becomes earth, the dream people's faces
change,
my body will also
morph
but can i.. can i like this dream
can i accept the dream body, the real piece of work body,
the me inside it,
to be loved ?
i don't really get it the loving part,

i'm good at it, the loving part.
i've been in love all my life
with things and words and dreams and the changes in people's
faces that i know by heart,
the way his smile gets pointy,
the way he runs to your room when he's happy, like
a child on christmas,
like,
a boy i'm in love with.
i want a body with you
isn't that so ******* scary ?
i want the ****
showers together, i want the kind hands, i want
the laughter in my neck,
all the ****** attention
i want it

i'm so lonesome
i would take it from anybody but i won't ! i won't
i dont want to feel like a liar, taking from
others who love
but i don't, i don't love you the same,
i don't understand your feelings so i assume and i say
"they're not the same, they're not"
and i leave ! i leave before i understand
because understanding is knowing,
knowing is acting
acting is so ******* tiring
i need you to
deattach your hands so they can be sewed right on mine,
i need you to
read every **** poem i made about you,
i need me to breathe, a lot

a whole storm
breathed.
i need air. i need to be alone, not lonesome ! not lonely !
alone
i need to
let you have all my love, and let you have all my loving,
and then i'll create one all for me
a good, tough, sweet love, a nice cocktail, sparkly
and young
all for me !
drank by my own **** body, even
held by
my own **** hands, even !
wants and needs and all this work i haven't done, and all
this amour propre
i'm forgetting.

i don't love myself.
someday,
i will.

the words come easy
when they are about love
they float around me,
and my mouth speaks
before i can regret letting out
all that i hold inside of me
the light and the beauty
spilling out
im shy.

we lay down in your bed,
but this time
my teeth pull the words back
my throat is on fire
so much of it
burning
why aren't they floating
i want to
tell you
show you
the love choking me up
im scared.

until my lips
stop trembling
until my hands
are brave enough to
hold us in their warmth
will you wait for me
I'll come back
with every
word and every
phrase
and every
tiny bit of longing
i swallowed back
for us,
i won't let all of it
disappear inside me,
not this time,
i love you.

maybe i was just hiding behind pride and shiny things,
maybe the shame i hold inside myself was too big to be left unseen,
bright colors and silky clothes, dozens of rings and necklaces, and the swish swish of oversized chains on oversized pants on oversized everything,

all meant to hide the ugly swirls of my hands,
the highest notes of my voice,
the round parts of a body i cant stand to see from your eyes.

or then again
it could just be called surviving.

heartbreak cannot be pinned down to one single moment in time,
it goes on and on even though one might expect it,
the thrill of the ride ending quite too soon, again,
but the road was so beautiful that
we kept on making the same mistake,
because showing love is too powerful to be scared of the shatter
because pride forbids from learning, and shouldn't we be proud of loving quite so much?
so keep the heart breaking, as long as we can bear it,
maybe it'll come back stronger.

i will never quite fit into my body
it won't ever be a temple,
oozing perfection and glory,
bathed in all that i wish it was born as.

my body will never quite fit me,
but it might become a home,
reflecting love and pride,
built by years of hardships just to thrive.

feels like the most relieving thing that could happen to me,
not the act of it,
but the thought of leaving and being remembered for a while
as a bunch of stories and words of wisdom and weird connections,
and maybe the color i wore the most will remind a few about me,
or maybe the clothes i left behind will find another holder,
but then at some point,
i wil be forgotten, and isn't that peaceful.
to have lived, and seen, and talked, learnt for so many years, and your existence will have mattered for some and been invisible for others, until eventually
you die,
and the world goes on without you,
and you will have been a small part of it.

I'd rather you tell me no,
not right now,
not tonight,
then yes,
as in pity,
as in obligation,
as in "I don't want to, but I'll make an effort just to please you".
I am not as fragile
as you think,
I don't want to be an effort,
I want to be a conscious
choice.

fog, all around, murk and then
beautiful trees, fruit awaiting to be bit into,
everyday the same ***** waters but delicious offerings.

my body healthy but hidden away under clothes too big and chains and accessories and other pretty things,
my heart open but shying away from prying hands who want to help and pulling back when love gets tougher,
my mind free but bound to a chair and a desk and no will to make anything come alive for long,
my hands ready but only when it comes to fleeing their own work.

happiness on some fruity corners and then the rest of the room has to be ignored, it has to
or else how am i going to move on.

almost fell asleep, a few moments ago,
thinking about asking if i could kiss them,
an everlasting question of desire and want and curiosity,
so could i please
know what it is like to kiss you,
i ask politely,
to the friends i hold close like lovers.

almost started dreaming, a little bit after that,
imagined you not even asking, but getting
close
and closer,
and taking the kiss from me,
and me giving it to you willingly,
because with you it's something else,
i want you to want me.
we wouldn't even have to be polite about it,
you, the lover
i hold close like a friend.

we are in a car
she's driving and you sit in the front
we were two on this road, now we're three
she offered to drive us home and it was sweet
we said yes, laughing, happy to skip the bus part
we are in her car,
it's dark outside but the city's alight
and i feel my body shimmering too, happy,
relaxed
music and whispers and laughters a bit too loud for the night,
maybe i didn't quite know how it felt to be loved before you.

put your body next to mine, if you dare
and let my hands play with your skin,
they'll be soft i promise,
like two little curious things
playing notes on your stomach,
touching your fingers shyly in reverence and
nesting in your hair when they get tired.
they love you,
let them rest right there
in your arms.

i saved a picture of you in my phone a while back
saw it and got angry
how can you be so pretty? i wondered
thought it was jealousy, for your beauty and your strong shoulders, and the shimmers over your eyes,
now i realize i was probably just gone all along.
a match of attraction and
bitterness, admiration,
and love,
and being too ****** queer about it all.

tell me to walk right ahead,
and say you'll be right there to take care of me
through all the messy parts of changing and
maybe for a while,
we could grow a little bit older together
unfit lovers that we are,
until my body gets weirder and bolder and
more beautiful than I could've predicted.
and you could fall for me then,
be a little selfish too,
ask me to wait while you're the one walking,
or to follow when the change is in you,
and i would,
i would.

you could put your arm right over my arm,
lock your eyes into my eyes,
and i'd ask you to go wherever i go,
or let me stay wherever you stay.

it pours out of me like fire and i let it
it feels so good being in love, but mostly
it's loving you that
makes it all worth it

be happy be joyful be brave
i love you, i hope it makes you stronger
just like it made me.

do you hate when i love other people, not
a jealousy about possession,
but one about wishing for things you just don't allow
yourself to have,
and then seeing them everywhere around you like
it cost nothing.

do you want me to get
even closer,
but are just too afraid to voice it yet,
do you want me to tell you just how much
i long for you even when you're here,

i see you but
what do your eyes hold inside
that i just can never reach.

he is the lover,
he asks me to come to him and he wraps me up in warmth and he
feeds me like i deserve it, loves me like we would die without it,
he whispers that he missed me, these few hours we were apart,
asks me if i am willing to give more and i always am,
then keeps giving and giving and ringing out the
tenderness in his hands,

he is the lover
and it scares me
how happy one person can make us.

sometimes i dont know why you keep me around,
i feel like all my words bring you is bitterness,
as if by telling you about how much love i receive from friends who don't bring you quite as much
i will only leave you thirsty for water you were given once but
was taken back too harshly for your
delicate hands.

i love you, and i hope you see it,
that you feel it every single time i breathe but
what good am i if i only bring you sorrow.
please, tell me,
how many times have i hurt you,
and why won't you let me go then.

what's the difference between you and them
they'll ask, and so will you,
what made it so special, created the sparks?

maybe it's the width of your shoulders,
how they will never yield even when they get too tired to move,
or it could've been the way you smile,
how it makes a room brighter, halfway between a child and a boy and someone with way too many wonders inside,
or it was how strongly you feel,
how brave you try to be when you reach out, when you talk,
or it's just how kind you are,
how soft you make me,
maybe it doesn't have to be explained in facts and souvenirs,
and instead it can just be.

i love you, and it's stupid how easy it is to love you,
so don't be mad at me or you or God when i tell you,
please be glad for my feelings,
because i am proud of them,
and i don't feel like hiding any part of me.

realized i loved you while i brushed my teeth,
maybe i should tell you
the next time i do.

my mouth will be clean of all the dirt i swallowed
thinking i was guilty of a sin,
for loving you.

life is funny like that, because this time the sin
is only lying, and not
being born as me.

a *** and a ****.
sitting in a tree
brushing their teeth.
i fell in love first,
life is so funny to me.

used to feel so alone when you were two,
felt like i was the dust on your shoes
while you kept on walking.
i'd settle on the pavement and ask
why am i here, with you,
but barely breathing.

nowadays i'm the one pushing you
to be two again,
because you love and love them
and i love you both too.
running all three together,
that's what i reached for all along,
the rest is up to you.